UPJOKE
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The Irish Jokes

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The Irish Millionaire

Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 euros.

"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, "but for a million euros you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend. Everything i...

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The Irish Prostitue

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily.

'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?'

The girl, crying, ...

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The Irish Math test

*disclaimer, i didn't invent this joke and i'm not sure who did but i hope you enjoy it...

An Irishman applied for a job on a construction site, but the foreman wouldn't hire him until he passed a simple maths test.
Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, rep...

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The Irish Square testicals

An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Ireland one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.


After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is alwa...

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An English spy, a Scottish spy and an Irish spy are captured by the Nazis.

The Nazis ask if they have any last wishes

The Irishman says "I want the Irish national anthem to be played before I die"

The Scottish man says "I want the Scottish anthem to be played on bagpipes before I die"

The Englishman says "I wanna die first"

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The Irish Sinner

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with yo...

Why are the Irish so wealthy?

Because their capital is always Dublin.

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Three English men were in a bar and spotted an Irish man. One of the guys said he was going to bug him.

He walked over to the Irish man and tapped him on the shoulder. "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a real tosser.”

“Oh really, hmm, didn't know that.”

Puzzled, the English man walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a tosser and he didn't care!"

"You just don't ...

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Back in the day, Chicago was run by the Irish mob

Now, before the Italian mob took over- I'm sure you all know Al Capone, Frank Nitti, Lucky Luciano, and the like- Prohibition era Chicago was run by the Irish mob.

The Irish gangs owned Chicago outright for a solid 18 months after Prohibition went into effect, before police raids, pressure fr...

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An Irish man bursts into a bar and demands a beer. He pounds it and slams it back and demands another. The bartender asks what's wrong?

The Irish man angrily slams the second beer and says, "You know, you build 100 roads for the community. But do they call you Seamus the road builder? No!"

He orders another beer and slams it back. "You build 1000 walls for the villages. But do they call you Seamus the wall builder? No!"
...

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A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal.

Before the final match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. It ties you up in knots. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're ...

The Irish Smuggler

There was a man who would cycle across the border between Northern Ireland and the Republic of Ireland every single day without fail carrying nothing but the clothes on his back.
The border guards stopped him every day, patted him down, searched his bike, deep thorough searches and never found ...

The Irish invented whiskey and bagpipes

They forgot to tell the Scots the latter was a joke

An English man and an Irish man are driving head-on, at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast

for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Englishman goes to the boot and fe...

What did the Irish bus driver say to the man with no legs?

How ya gettin' on?

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish Garda.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer, from London, and is certain that he has a better education than any paddy cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Garda's expense..!!

Irish Garda says," License and registration, please."

London...

Why did the Irish man only put 239 beans in his soup?

If he put any more in, it'd be two farty!

The Irish and the Policeman

An Irish priest is driving home from a night at his favorite bar. An officer notices the Irishman swerving all over the road and proceeds to pursue. The Irishman pulls over and the cop makes his way to the driver. Checking the vehicle and noticing bottles over the floorboard, the Policeman asks, "Ha...

The Irish must have lost so much money last night due to betting.

They'll be asking to rejoin the United Kingdom later today.

The Irish Priest

An Irish priest was transferred to Texas.

Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring
day in his new west Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of
his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.

He then noticed there was a jack...

How did the Irish expatriate get lost in the jewelry megastore?

He was looking for the emerald aisle.

The Irish brothel

Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub window seat, watching the front door of the brothel over the road.
The local Methodist pastor appears and quickly goes inside.
"Would you look at that!" says the first Irishman, "Didn't I always say what a bunch of hypocrites they are?"
No sooner are...

The Irish farmer

While on a trip in Europe, the farmer from Texas was driving through Ireland. He came to a farm and saw a man repairing a fence by the road. The Texan stopped and asked the man if this was his farm. Oh yes answered the Irish farmer, everything you see from the river down there to the hills up there ...

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The luck of the Irish.

An apology from Belfast General Hospital......

Dear Mr. Murphy.

We are pleased to inform you that the biopsy of the redness on your penis showed it was not cancerous.

It was lipstick.

We deeply regret the amputation....

A man walks into the Irish bar

The barman says:

-I am deeply sorry sir, but the bar is closed, it will open within the hour only.

-Ok, nevermind, I'll wait - responds the man

-Sure, no problem sir. By the way, would you like a drink to make waiting not so boring?

The Irish Stevedore

A diminutive native of Ireland applied at the wharf for work as a stevedore. He was only about five feet in height, and the foreman was dubious.

“We’re loading 300-pound anvils onto that boat, and a little chap like you couldn’t handle them,” he said. “Try me, “ answered Pat.
So the fore...

The Irish have a way with words.

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy,looking like he’d just been run over by a train.His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken,his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.

''What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender. "Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

...

An Irish Man Walks Into A Bar...

...and stumbles to the bartender. “Barkeep, Oi’ll have a point”, he slurs.

The bartender looks him over critically. “A pint? Sorry sir, but I can’t serve you. You’re clearly too drunk.”

The Irish man scrunches his eyebrows, peers at the barkeep, turns around and trips out the front doo...

A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside except for a pet dog he for a long time.

The dog finally died and Muldoon went to the parish priest, saying "Father, the dog is dead. Could you possibly be saying a Mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick told the farmer "No, we can't have services for an animal in the church, but I'll tell you what, there's a new denomination down ...

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An Englishman, a Scottish man, and an Irish man all walk into a pub with their wives.

They all sit down and order a cup of tea. The Englishman looks to his wife and says “could you pass the honey, honey?” The Scottish man thinks to himself how clever that was, then turns to his wife and says “could you pass the sugar, sugar?” The Irish man - not wanting to be out witted by the other ...

My favorite Irish joke about The Olympics

An Englishman, Scotsman, and Irishman wanted to see the Olympics, but they didn't have tickets. They went round back to see if they could sneak in, but there was a guard at the rear entrance which is also where the competing athletes entered. The Englishman looks around and sees a long pole on the g...

Did you hear the one about the Irish boomerang ?

It doesn’t come back, it just sings about how much it wants to !

Racial Humor

An Irish man is sitting at a bar, then a Chinese man sits down next to him. The Chinese takes a drink, the the Irish man says to him, "do you know Kung fu?". The Chinese man says, "why because I'm Chinese? That's just racist!". The Irish man says, "No, I ask because you're drinking my beer".

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The British, the French, and the Irish

The British wanted to find out why the head of a mans penis was larger then the shaft. So, they spent about $150 million and a month to conduct their tests. They concluded that it was to give the male more pleasure during sex. The French where not satisfied with their findings, so they spent about $...

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Steve was on a walking holiday in the Irish countryside

He was about to cross an old stone bridge when a small man jumped out from behind a rock

“I’m the lucky Irish leprechaun” he said “and for finding me today I’ll grant you 3 lucky wishes”

Steve couldn’t believe his luck, so for his first wish he asked for a million pounds

“Grante...

The Irish Army received reports of Russian spies in their barracks.

To find the spy, they put a can of Guinness at each soldier's bed during the night, the second morning, the Russian who drank the canned Guinness is then arrested.

The other barracks received the same report and try to do the same, they left a bottle of vodka by the bed of every soldier, the ...

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A British spy, Irish spy and Scottish spy are captured by the Nazis

Just as the Nazis are about to open fire, the British spy shouts

"Hurricane!"

and all the Nazis run, allowing the British spy to escape

Angered, they return, and prepare to shoot the Scottish spy when he shouts

"Typhoon!"

and all the Nazis run, allowing the Scottis...

President Joe Biden announced that he would give a free bottle of Bud Light to anyone who got a vaccine.

Not to be outdone, the next day, the President Obrador of Mexico announced that he would give a bottle of Corona to anyone who got a vaccine.

The day after, the President Higgins of Ireland announced that he'd be giving out free bottles of water.

Biden and Obrador were confused and gav...

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A man enters a pub, walks up to have a seat at the bar, and then pulls out a three-inch tall leprechaun from his front shirt pocket to set it on the bar top.

The man looks at the bartender and says, "Yo, I'd like to get a beer for me and an Irish wine for my little pal here!"


The bartender returns with the drinks in short time. The man drinks his beer, the leprechaun drinks all the Irish wine from the bottle. Only for it to suddenly stop in ...

3 Irishmen and 3 Englishmen are buying train tickets

The Englishmen all buy a seperate ticket, 3 in total. The Irishmen however buy only one ticket for the three of them.

One of the Englishmen asks: "Won't you guys get thrown off the train?"

"You'll see," say the Irish.

After riding the train for half an hour, the six men see the ...

An Irishman is diagnosed with incurable cancer.

An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked O'Malley in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it can't be cured, you'd best put your affairs in order."

O'Malley was shocked and sad...

So the Irish are playing against the English in the World Cup Final, being held in Paris.

Three Irish and three English fans are waiting at the airport to get the train to the stadium.

The three English fans go up to the ticket counter and buy one ticket each. The three Irish fans go up to the counter and buy only one ticket. The English fans see this and one asks the Irish, " Ho...

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Meeting the Irish Mother

A young Irish lad takes the girl he loves to meet his family.

The matriarch of the family asks the girlfriend, "So, tell me, lass, what is your occupation?"

The girl hesitantly says, "Well, Mrs. O'Malley, I'm a prostitute."

Immediately, the lad's mother faints. After regaining c...

What news do the Irish hate the most?

***The BBC***

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The Irish Railway Company

Correspondence between a customer and the Irish Railway Company. Gentlemen, I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation sy...

Did you hear about the Irish guy who was assasinated at the antique store?

It was a knick knack paddywhack!

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An American arrives in Ireland and goes to the nearest pub…

… and walks straight up the bar. It’s busy, and he looks around at the customers. Satisfied, he bellows at the top of his lungs, “I’ve just arrived from America, and I’ve heard tell of how much the Irish drink stout. I’ve got $500 for anyone who can drink ten pints of Guinness in ten minutes or less...

An American man is drinking in a pub in Ireland...

He stands up and says "If anyone here can drink 10 pints of guiness in 10 minutes I'll give him 100 dollars!"


No one answers him and one man walks out of the pub.


The American goes back to his drink and someone taps him on the shoulder 15 minutes later. It was the Irish man who...

A Kentucky farmer visits his farmer cousin in Ireland. The Irish farmer lives alone and the Kentucky Farmer asks how he avoids loneliness. Irish farmer says "The Sheep." "I could never!" replies the Kentucky Farmer. "Sure you could." The Irish farmer retorts...

"...Just pretend it's a chicken."

Did you hear about the Irish car prices?

They're Dublin

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An English man, a Scottish man, and an Irish man all make plans to book into the same hotel but on 3 different nights

When the English man arrives at the hotel, the manager tells him that there is one room available, it already has a female guest, and there's only one double bed, the English man isn't bothered by this and walks up to his room, he opens the door and there's a woman lay on the bed...she opens her leg...

Why do the Irish and those of Irish descent never get offended by Irish jokes?

Because they are all true!

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gotta love the irish:)

A sobbing Ms Murphy approaches Fr O’Grady after mass.

He says: “So what’s bothering you?”

She replies: “Oh, Father, I’ve terrible news. My husband passed away last night.”

The priest says: “Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Did he have any last requests?”

"Certainly father," she...

The American and the Irish National

An American was driving from Dublin up to Northern Ireland. At the border a group of IRA members surrounded his car and the leader approached him.

The leader asked "Protestant or Catholic?"

Startled, the American thought quick and said "Actually I'm nondenominational!"

The IRA ...

What last name does the Irish Watchmaker have?

O'clock

An Irishman and his son went to the zoo...

A sign says, “Feed the elephant a bun to get your age”

The little boy gives the elephant a bun and it stomps it’s foot 6 times.

“Wow” says the boy, “That’s right I am 6, you have a go dad!”

The Irish chap gives the elephant a bun...

A moment later the elephant farts and ...

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An American sailor walks up to a urinal and starts peeing...

... A few seconds later, a fellow Irish sailor goes to the urinal next to him and starts peeing. The American's eyes start to wander, and he can't help but look down at the Irish man's penis and notice a "W" and "Y" tattooed down there. "I'm really sorry that I looked over," says the American, "bu...

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On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The villagers stare at the BMW as they have never seen one before !

The pump attendant who obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golf pro is.

"Good morning. Beauty of an automobile you have there” says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick ‘hello’ and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does...

What’s the difference between an Irish funeral and an Irish wedding?

One less drunk at the Irish funeral!

There was a devastating earthquake in the Irish town of Llanfair Pwllgwyngyll.

Relief workers are still at work trying to figure out what was the town's name before the catastrophe.

What did Mr.Miyagi order from the Irish pub?

Jame san!

The Irish Border

Was drawn up by a man who was being chased by a wasp.

Irishman steps up on Mastermind, the quiz show. His chosen topic: the Irish Rebellion, 1916.

- **Quizmaster**: 'Your first question: who read the *Proclamation of Independence* from the steps of the GPO?'

- **Contestant**: 'Pass'

- **Quizmaster**: 'OK. Second question: name the Irish rebel leader born in Scotland.'

- **Contestant**: 'Pass'

- **Quizmaster**: 'Ques...

hiw did the Irish potato become bilingual?

He became a French Fry

Did you hear the Irish are remaking Kill Bill?

It's called Injure Ginger.

Two plus sized woman walk into a bar

At the bar sits a drunken Irish man. As the two women approach, the Irish man sees them and exclaims: "Ah, two fine lassies from Ireland!"
Defiantly, one responds "It's Wales!"
The man corrects himself, "Ah, two fine whales from Ireland!"

Why do the Irish wear shamrocks?

Real rocks are too heavy.

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The Irish Catholics again.

The priest in a small Irish village loved the rooster and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing. He knew about cock fights in the village, so he questioned his parishioners in church....

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An English and an Irish farmer are arguing at their fence over Politics when along comes a chicken and lays an egg right on the fence boundary.

The English farmer exclaims "It's my egg, because it's my Chicken", and the Irish farmer replies with "Well, the egg is mostly on my side of the fence, so it's mine". They argue back and forth about an hour, until the Irish farmer comes up with a solution.

"To see who the strongest farmer is...

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Must have been the Irish orchestra.

For Bruce Shackett

A prominent orchestra was performing Beethoven's Ninth Symphony. At one point in the final movement of the symphony, there is a long stretch--over 20 minutes--where the bass violins don't play a note. So, rather than just sit there, the section leader suggested that they sn...

What's the difference between Mick Jagger and an Irish sheep herder?

Mick Jagger says "Hey you get off of my cloud" and the Irish sheepherder says "Hey McCloud get off of my ewe"

In the early days of mixed play, an English couple, an Irish couple and a Scottish couple are at the links ready to tee off.

The Englishman’s wife steps up to the tee first and as she bends over to place ball a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.


“Allo! Why aren’t you wearing any knickers?” her husband demanded. “Well, you don’t give me enough housekeeping money to afford to buy a...

The Irish Spy

The CIA lost track of its operative in Ireland “Murphy. ” The CIA boss says, “All I can tell you is that his name is Murphy and that he’s somewhere in Ireland. If you think you’ve located him, tell him the code words, “The weather forecast calls for mist in the morning. ” If it’s really him, he’ll a...

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Al the Irish jokes I've heard - Irish this sub a happy St. Patrick's Day!:

* What do you get when you cross a 4 leaf clover with poison ivy? A rash of good luck.
* What do you call a fake Irish stone? A shamrock.
* Why shouldn't you iron a 4-leaf clover? You'd be pressing your luck.
* What instrument did the diva musician play on St. Patrick's day? Brag-pipes....

What do the Irish have instead of Netflix & Chill?

Meet & Potatoes

Why was it the Russians that made alcohol out of potatoes instead of the Irish?

Because we'll make alcohol out of anything, except our potatoes. Our potatoes are sacred.

Did you hear about the coronavirus infection rate spiralling out of control in the Irish capital?

It's Dublin.

Did you hear about the Irish exorcism?

They called on the devil to get the priest out of the boy.

Why did the Irish call their currency the "Punt" ?

Because it rhymes with Bank Manager

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Paddy drinking at the Irish pub

Patrick staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy.   He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.   As he caught himself by grab...

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The Irish Virgin

In a tiny village on the West coast of Ireland lived an old lady, a virgin and very proud of it. Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she died, she went to the village’s only undertaker who also happened to be the local p...

Have you heard of the Irish guy who fixes garden chairs?

His name is Paddy O'Furniture

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The US, England and Ireland are presented with a question. Why is the head of the penis larger than the shaft?

The US funds a study for 6 months at $20 million, and concludes it is to give the man more pleasure during sex.

The British, not to be outdone by the Yankees, spend 3 months and half the money, and concludes it's to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

The Irish, not to be outdone ...

Why Irish pubs are the best

"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London...

Don't be racist against the irish...

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.

A customer asked,"In what aisle could I find the Irish sausages ?"
The assistant asks, "Are you Irish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you
s...

A joke for the Irish.

A man gets a job in a pub in a tiny village in the nack of nowhere in Ireland. On his first night there an old farmer comes in and asks for 3 pints of Guinness. The barman pulls the pints and watches him drink them slowly, one after the other. When he finishes he asks for another 3 pints. This goes ...

It's 1860 in the Bowery. A prim Anglo woman knocks on the door of an Irish catholic immigrant...

She says, "I'm here supporting James Mason for mayor. He wants to increase money for public schools."

"What's he want to do that for?" the Irish woman asks.

"Well, he believes in the importance of education."

The Irish woman seems confused. "That's it? His sister doesn't work...

Have you heard of the Irish exorcism that happened recently?

The demon had to pull the priest out of the little boy.

An American walks into an Irish bar.

While on vacation, an American walks into an Irish pub and orders a drink. After a minute he says out loud, "I'll bet anyone in here $1,000 if they can take 10 shots of Jameson in a row, without stopping or vomiting." The bar gets quiet except for one man who gets up and walks out. The American laug...

The Irish Spy

A Russian agent is told he is to be sent on a Top Secret mission, where he will rendezvous with Murphy, the Irish spy on the shore of County Donegal. He is told that when he meets Murphy the code phrase is 'The Sun rises
slowly over Moscow'.

The next morning the agent is delivered, at 5 ...

An Irishman is walking on a beach when he stubs his toe on an old metal box

He opens the lid
And a Genie pops out and praises him for letting him out after 500 years…

He offers him a wish… and the Irishman says… every evening after dinner when I pee, I want to pee the finest Irish Whiskey…

Done says the genie and vanishes in a flash…

That evening af...

Have you heard the Irish joke about R. Kelly?

It won’t take much time; it’s only a wee joke.

Why do the Irish make terrible lawyers?

They've never passed the bar.

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