UPJOKE

The Greatest Jokes

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A boob, vagina and asshole are debating who is the greatest of the three.

Boob: I produce milk for babies and I am attractive to the opposite sex.

Vagina: That's nothing, I give birth to babies and can accommodate the opposite sex.

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Pierre the French fighter pilot was the greatest fighter pilot the world had ever seen.

His skill in a plane was rivaled only by his skill in bed and he had many a fair young thing aching for his love.

On a bright summer day he was picnicking with a young lady in the shade of a willow tree near a lake. They had talked for a while but the woman could wait no longer and she leane...

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Who was the greatest prostitute in history?

Ms. Pacman. For 25 cents she swallowed balls until she died.

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Do you know why Ms. Pac-man is considered the greatest prostitute of all time?

Because for 25 cents she'll eat balls until she dies!

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The Hindenburg is the greatest feat of aeronautical engineering in all of human history

Edit: Holy shit this blew up

If I’m being subjective, the greatest sci-fi show of all time is Dr. Who.

If I’m being objective, it’s Dr. Whom.
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What is the greatest word in the English language?

The obvious answer is greatest.

But the true answer is Fuck.

The greatest Schrodinger punchline...

or maybe not.
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If I'm being subjective, I'd say that the greatest hero in Sci Fi is Doctor Who. But if I'm being completely objective...

I'd say it's Doctor Whom.

^*Edit: ^As ^a ^few ^have ^astutely ^pointed ^out, ^the ^character's ^name ^is ^just ^"The ^Doctor"; ^I ^should ^have ^said ^"the ^greatest ^sci ^fi ^show ^is ^Doctor ^Who" ^instead ^of ^"greatest ^hero ^in ^sci ^fi". ^Thankfully ^the ^dumb ^joke ^still ^works ^in ^t...
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Possibly the greatest dad joke of my dad’s whole career

Preface: I’ve been sick in bed for 10 days with infectious mononucleosis or ‘mono’


So, Mom brought home some pie and she gave me a slice. I only had like half of it because it was making me nauseous so she decided to save it for me. But I guess Dad didn’t know that so he ate the rest of ...
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What was the greatest achievement of the Spanish royal family?

They managed to turn their family tree into a circle
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The greatest magic trick

A world famous Hispanic magician walked on stage to thunderous applause from a large crowd. He announced to the audience that he would disappear before their very eyes before the count of three. He begins the count “Uno, Dos..” POOF! He disappeared without a Tres.
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What is the greatest lie of all time?

"I have read and accepted the terms and conditions."
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Hands down, Pele was the greatest football player of all time.

Hands up, he'd be thrown out of the game as that's against the rules.
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The greatest wishes

Genie: You have three wishes.

Man: Make every word four letters.

Gnie: Okay?

Mann: Make evry word strt aand endd with "b".

Bnib: Bkab?

Banb: Bakb bheb bwob bdlb btrb bofb bvrb borb "o".

Boob: Boob.

Who's the greatest boxer of all time?

Jim Jones, he knocked out 900 people with one punch.
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Who Is The Greatest Chicken-Killer In Shakespeare?

Macbeth, because he did murder most fowl.
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How do you call the greatest milk ever produced?

Legendairy
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Last bullshit of the year. Have you ever heard of the greatest chinese cowboy

His name was Yee Ha

People in North Korea are so brainwashed by the government and the state controlled national news thinking their country is great. Outsiders know better.

That is why I am glad to live in the greatest country in the world, The United States of America.
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The greatest swordsman in the world is giving a demonstration of his skill to a crowd.

As he draws his sword, his assistant releases a single housefly. The swordsman watches the fly buzz around, waits for his moment, and strikes! ...And then the fly buzzes away again. As the crowd groans, the swordsman holds up his hand. "Look again, my friends. The fly lives, yes, but he will never b...
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I told my teachers I’ll be the greatest comic ever.

They all laughed at me.
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this is not the greatest river in the world ...

No... this is just a tributary
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The greatest ever song about tortoises was recorded 40 years ago this year...

... "Turtle Eclipse of the Heart".
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Volodymyr Zelenskyy is the greatest comedian of all time.

He even turned Vladimir Putin into a joke.
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Looking at my ceiling and ya know, I'm not saying it's the greatest ceiling in the world...

But it's up there.
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I met a person claiming to be the greatest lumberjack.

I asked "How do you know, you are the greatest"

Well, have you ever heard of the sahara forest ?

I replied you mean the Sahara desert ?

Well I guess they call it that now.
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The world's greatest swordsman

A young man climbs a mountain to a ledge, where there sits an old man with a sword in his lap. The young man says, "I seek the greatest swordsman in the world."

Without a word, the old man draws his sword and flicks it in the air at a passing fly. The fly falls to the ground in two pieces....
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The greatest day of my life was

When I found my dad's porn in the back of the attic.

The worst day of my life was when I found my mom's porn in the back of that video rental store.

I have ranked the greatest musicians of all time in order:

Nelly

Erika Badu

Vanilla Ice

Eminem

Rhianna




Green Day

Oasis

Nirvana

Nine inch Nails

Aerosmith



George Strait

Ilene Woods

Vince Gill

Enya



Yoko ono

Otis Redding

U...
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Five friends were sitting around, debating which Pixar movie is the greatest

After a few hours of debate, no one was willing to concede, and it was decided that a vote must be held. Unfortunately, with so few friends present, it was clear that they would need to bring the vote to the greater public. The group decided that each friend would make a plea to the subreddit of the...

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The Greatest hunter [long]

There once was a hunter who had some guest over to his house and was giving them a tour of his trophy room. At the entrance of the room there was a great giant white Gorilla, they asked him about it, he said: -"I spent three days and three nights with no sleep or food waiting for him to appear, he f...

Who was the greatest financier from the Bible?

Noah, of course!
He was floating all his stock, while everyone else was in liquidation!
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What does Gen Z have in common with the Greatest Generation?

They consider it a great achievement if they survive childhood without getting shot.
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Yo mama is the greatest comedian in the world!

Because she delivered the greatest joke ever.
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The Sistine Chapel ceiling may not be the greatest work of art ever, but

it's definitely up there.
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Imagine the greatest blues saxophonist and the best jazz guitarist go for dinner, who pays?

Neither. You don't have to pay at the soup kitchen.
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4 million of these people enter our country every year. They are uneducated, unskilled, and contribute nothing. They are a burden to honest, hardworking Americans and our government is doing nothing to stop them, not to mention they're dirty and they smell bad. THEY DON'T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH!!

Man, I hate babies.
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Today hasn't been the greatest.

I got the chance to go horse back riding, something I haven't done in a while. Big mistake. I got on the horse and started out slowly, but I got cocky. So we started going a little faster and before I knew it, we were going as fast as the horse could go. And when I tried to stop the horse, I couldn'...

Greatest truck driver in the world

Frank was the greatest truck driver in the world. He could take that truck to places that shouldn't be possible.


One night Frank, who had been driving for a solid shift, found himself on an unfamiliar stretch of road. It had been a wet day and the fog was rolling in, making it impossi...
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The greatest treasure wins

Once, there were two tribes - the Ubangis and the Wallawallas. They worshiped the same gods, and their religion told them that whoever possessed the greatest worldly treasure had the gods's favor.

For many years, the favor of the gods lay with the Ubangis, whose chief had made a throne of ...
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The vagina is the greatest engine ever developed.

It accepts any size piston, it is self-lubricating, and it does it's own fluid change once a month. It's just a shame that the management system can be so temperamental.

What's the greatest example of arrogance?

A mouse with a hardon is floating down a river and sees a bridge. He starts shouting "Raise the bridge! Raise the bloody bridge!! "
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What is the greatest dad-joke?

The grandpa-joke!
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What's the greatest benefit of a male-male relationship?

Double the income
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Underwear isn't the greatest thing in the world

It is really close to it though.
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The Greatest Sex Culture . . .

A Greek and an Italian were talking one day, discussing who had the superior culture.

Over coffee, the Greek says, "Well, we built the Parthenon."

The Italian replies, "We built the Coliseum.

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to mathematics."

The Italian, nodding, ...

You know who's the greatest person ever?

*the first word of this joke*
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Aliens visit Earth. They come in peace and surprisingly , they speak English.

Obviously, all of the heads of government and religious leaders want to speak to the aliens so they set up a meeting with our new visitors. When it's the Pope's turn, he asks: "Do you know about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?"

"You mean JC?", responds the alien. "Yeah, we know him! He's th...
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The greatest devastation from the Cold War ...

is that most Americans believe it was an actual war.
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People are currently shooting fireworks off in my neighborhood. I'm usually all for shooting fireworks to celebrate the founding of the greatest nation on Earth, but come on...

Canada Day was yesterday!
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The Royal Navy had the greatest public image, back in the day...

And why wouldn't they? After all, they impressed every sailor they ever met, and kept 'em in shipshape.
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Why do Chinese people love IPhones and Apple products?

Because the greatest gifts are the ones your children made.

(inspired by u/lorenzomofo 's comment on a
r/nextfuckinglevel post)

Since 1782, at the age of 12, Beethoven was composing some of the greatest music ever,

of course since 1827 all he has been doing is decomposing.
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You know the greatest thing about Persona’s music?

I could listen to any track and think it’s Akechi song
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What's the greatest problem with political jokes?

They get elected.
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"You're the greatest lover I've ever had."

"Well I practice a lot when I'm alone."
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Gravity, the greatest jokester

Always trying to pull down your pants
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Dad joke from the greatest Dad ever

My dad was intermed yesterday at Arlington National cemetery, so to salute the great man who served in WWII, here's one of his favorite jokes:

If you're Russian to go to the bathroom, and walk out Finnish, what are you while inside?

European!
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The greatest merger of all time

It was announced today that YouTube, Facebook and Twitter will all be merging.

The new name will be YouTwitFace
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What would the greatest hockey player in history be called if he would have chosen not to play hockey?

Wayne Regretzky
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The greatest jokes I have ever done

My life choices.
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What's the fastest way to become the greatest Dictator in the world?

Fail art school.
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The Greatest Pig...

A man was visiting his worldly uncle on his farm, when a pig in a wheeled cart trotted past him, missing its two hind legs. He leaned over to his uncle and asked "Uncle, what happened to that pig in the wheelchair?"

The uncle takes a deep draw of his pipe and points to the pig. "I owe that pi...
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Hitler eventually proved his art school Teachers wrong , and DID become one of the greatest painters of all time...

It's just the he painted an underground bunker with his brains.

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an American

She shares the joys of being a part of the greatest country in the world, and asks her students to raise their hands if they are or want to be American too. Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks.

There is, however,...
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Do you know who was the greatest casualty of Covid-19?

Anti Vaxxers

I bet they are praying non stop for a cure
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What's the greatest thing about Switzerland?

Not sure, but the flag's a big plus.
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The wife was crying after the greatest mind blowing sex ever.

I guess I shouldn't have called and told her about it.

The greatest heist in the world

happened last week and we even enjoyed watching two people fight with their share.
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Who is the greatest singer of Christmas songs?

A-wreathe-a Franklin
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Actual conversation today. My wife: "i'm tired of anaesthesiology. What other area of medicine should I try?"

Me: I don't know. Emerg?
Wife: Nah, I want something lower stress. Hey, what about sleep medicine?
Me: Sleep medicine?
Wife: Like, helping people with sleep disorders and such. I wonder what sort of education i'd need?
Me: Probably night school.
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Why are all the greatest historians named Victor?

Because history is written by the Victors
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There has always been dispute over the greatest redditor

but we all know it's u/jokesrepostfinderBOT
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I have the greatest dad ever

Every year he got so mad when Santa didn't bring me presents
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Who is the greatest Herbologist in all of the star wars universe?

Yoda, two green thumbs he has.
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Scarecrow from The Wizard of Oz is by far the greatest character of all time.

No one could hold a candle to him.
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What is the funniest way you could end the greatest joke in United States history?

Impeachment
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The president of Russia is the greatest of them all!

There's no disPutin it
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I had the greatest sense of a fulfilled purpose back in that marine corps.

*wait...stupid autocorrect...*

*scents *porpoise *corpse
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Who pulled off the greatest hat trick in history?

Joseph Smith
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What's the greatest trick the Austrians ever pulled off?

It was to convince the world that Mozart was Austrian and that Hitler in fact was German.

America is truly the greatest country. It has freedom...

for cops and politicians from prosecution
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My dad is the greatest magician of all time

He did a vanishing trick over 16 years ago and still hasn't been found
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The greatest truck driver in the world was driving along a country lane late one night when

his truck broke down. All he could see was a faint light in the distance. So he headed towards it. He came to an old farmhouse and knocked on the door.

"*Hello,*" he says, "*I'm the greatest truck driver in the world and my truck is broken down. I wonder could I have a bed for the night?*" <...

The Galaxy is the greatest rapper alive.

It rhymes in universes. :)
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Me: Hey girl, want to have the greatest night of your life?

Her: Yes!

Me: Oh... well, never mind then.
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Bill Cosby was one of the greatest boxers...

He got 20 ko's and didn't even fight!
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Guy says to a girl on tinder “You can call me the GOAT” “Why? Cause you’re the greatest of all time?”

“No, cause I’m gonna eat your bush”
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Probably the greatest 'a guy walks into a bar' joke ever!

http://youtu.be/7UBCdzJuB34
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