UPJOKE

The Germans Jokes

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A British soldier returns from war after 4 years against the Germans.

His faithful wife, longing for sex all these years, dresses up in her sheerest lingerie, hoping to entice her returning husband. She waits by the door as her husband enters and her lingerie gently slips off her body and she stands there naked. “Darling, look what the wind blew away”, she says seduct...

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How the Germans bailed out Greece

It is a slow day in a little Greek Village. The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted.



Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.



On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the village, stops at the local hotel...

A World War II Spitfire pilot is speaking in a church and reminiscing about his war experiences. "In 1942, the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember, one day, I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these fokkers appeared!"

There are a few gasps from the parishioners, and several of the children began to giggle.

"I looked up, and realized that two of the fokkers were directly above me. I aimed at the first one and shot him down. By then, though, the other fokker was right on my tail."

At this point, sever...

In Heaven, the Germans are the engineers, the French are the cooks and the English are the policemen.

In Hell, the Germans are the policemen, the French are the engineers, and the English are the cooks.

It's the First World War, and a French Battalion and a German Battalion face each other in the trenches.

It's a rather slow day, and the Krauts sit bored in their trenches. Then, a young corporal speaks: "We really need to kill more frenchies! What can we do to lure them out?"
A young recruit asks, "What is a typical french name?"
Another answers, "Pierre."
The young recruit gets up, puts his ...

An old Jewish man is lying in his deathbed with his tearful wife by his side.

An old Jewish man is lying in his deathbed with his tearful wife by his side.

"Moira, beautiful Moira. You were with me many years ago when the Germans took our home and so many of us suffered" to which his wife simply nodded.

"And years later, you were with me when my business failed...

I can't tell you what the Germans contributed after WW2 but....

*Jerry can*

So the Germans were having a hard time against the entrenches Italians in WW1

Lt Rommel has an idea: "Hey, a lot of Italians are named Luigi. I say we try calling out 'hey, Luigi', and when they stick their head out to answer, we shoot them." It was decided that it was worth a try so early the next morning the Germans launch their new "offensive".

A German soldier call...

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What did the Germans call Hitler’s dog?

Mein Fluffer

The Germans and Americans were reaching a stalemate in WWI.

In World War I there was trench warfare, and neither the Americans nor the Germans could get the upper hand. They were reaching a stalemate. One day, an American came up with a plan that would win them the war. This private explained his plan to his trench mates, and they figured, "Why not? It's not...

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The Germans say American beer is like having sex in a canoe.

F**king close to water.

During World War 2, the Germans on the front line put up a sign "Gott Mit Uns"

The English replied with a sign of their own "We got mittens too"

Real story.

Why are the English, better lovers than the Germans?

Because it's only the English that can stay on top for 45 minutes and still come second.

It is WWI. The Germans and the Italians are fighting in trenches.

The Germans have a plan. Since almost all Italians are named Mario, a German would yell, "Hey, Mario!" An unfortunate Mario would pop his head up with "si?" and a German sniper would put a bullet into his forehead. Every day, a few Italians died with "Hey Mario!" "Si?" Boom!

One day, the Ital...

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Why does the Germans make the filthiest porn?

Because they stopped making soap years ago.

An American soldier was captured by the Germans during WWII...

An American soldier was captured by the Germans during WWII. He was placed into a detention cell and soon a neatly uniformed SS officer comes to interrogate him.

“Vhere is your unit based?” asks the officer in accented English. But the soldier looks him dead in the eyes and says only “Tick t...

Did you hear about the Germans who got food poisoning?

It was the wurst.

The Germans are getting worried about coronavirus.

They have started putting their towels on Hospital beds.

German tourists are travelling to USSR for the first time

They decide to go by train to see the scenery. After few hours the train stops. The train just stands there for 4 hours without any sign of moving. Eventually one of the Germans approaches the conductor and asks, what is happening:

''The driver is exchanging the locomotive''

''For 4 ho...

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In WW2, what did the Germans have that the Japanese didn't?

Ace pilots.

Why didn't the Germans have any cakes at Christmas

Because they were all stollen

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People are praising the Germans right now for having an aid package for artists during quarantine..

But they’re definitely doing it because the last pissed off artist started World War 2.

I've decided to delete all the Germans from my phone.

I want to make it Hans-free!

The Germans are so innovative when it comes to diets.

Especially the gluten free diets. They’ve started a new initiative with their food. If something has gluten in it, they give it a guten tag.

The Germans have developed a talking bread, but it only uses informal greetings such as "tag" or "morgen".

It's guten-free bread.

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So these Americans are in Budapest and they notice all the Germans looking for prostitutes

So these two americans are in budapest and they notice how it's all germans looking to hire prostitutes
And one of the americans says "these germans are into some weird stuff, that guy over there probably paid some poor hungarian girl 30 euros to take a shit on her chest"
And the german t...

An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Pole were captured by the Germans and thrown into prison.

However, the guard was rather kind towards them, and said, "I am going to lock you away for five years, but I'll let you have anything you want now before I lock you away."

The Englishman says, "I'll have five years' supply of beer!" His wish is granted, and they lock him away with his beer....

TIL in 1937 the Germans sank their own U-boat instead of the American USS Anders.

"Sorry, wrong sub"

Macron said the rebuild of Notre Dame will take 2 Years and he will get the Germans to do it

Because they finished a thousand year Reich in just twelve years.

In heaven, the English are the Police, the Germans are the organizers, the French are the cooks, the Italians are the lovers and the Swiss are the engineers.

In hell, the English are the cooks, the Germans are the Police, the French are the engineers, the Italians are the organizers, and the Swiss are the lovers.

(I love you all, my european brethren! ;) )

Why were the Germans called Jerrys?

Because World War 2 was a big game of cat and mouse

The germans really need to tighten-up on their cake security

at this time of year a heck of a lot of it is stollen.

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Why did the Germans lose World War 2?

They could nazi the errors of their ways.

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Why did the the Germans attack France by invading through Belgium?

Because they knew the French would Nazi that coming.

The Germans really do have a word for everything.

It's *alles* by the way.

During WW2 a British pilot is captured by the Germans and sent to a POW camp.

While there he developes an infection in his leg and the camp doctor tells him that they have to amputate.

"I have a request," says the pilot, "could you please cremate the limb and sprinkle the ashes over my beloved home land the next time your boys do a flyover?"

"We can do that." sa...

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I like the Germans, but instead of Hitler, now they are all obsessed with this new guy named Morgan

Instead of saying “Heil Hitler”, they now come up to me and say “Good Morgan”.

How did the British prevent war with the Germans in 1938?

They wrote them a Czech.

Did you hear the Germans now have breakfast delivery drones?

They call them the LuftWaffles

Why don't the Germans care about the word, 'nichts'?

It means nothing to them.

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What did the French call the Germans during WW1?

Somme of bitches.

How did the Germans take over Poland so quickly?

They marched in backwards, so the Poles thought they were leaving.

My grandfather was treated very badly by the Germans in WW2.

Passed over for promotion time and time again.

Why did we use guns in world war 2 against the Germans?

We could've used Frebreze, it kills 99.99% of germs anyways.

There's this British RAF pilot in WW2, and he's been captured by the Germans....

the Krauts have him tied up and they're interrogating him.

"Tell us about your seekret plans, or vee vill cut off your leg!"

The Pilot, dashing and resolute, refuses, but before they cut off his leg, he asks them to please drop it over England on their next bombing raid, so it can rest...

What website are the germans least likely to laugh at?

Neingag.

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