UPJOKE

The Face Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I used to go out with a girl who punched me in the face when she orgasmed.

I didn't mind too much until I found out she was faking them

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

We were having sex the other night and to my surprise my wife started punching me in the face.

I have no idea who let her into my office.

A Tibetan monk sees the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine.

He raises his eyes to the heavens and exclaims "I can't believe it's not Buddha!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Jewish guy and a Chinese guy or sitting in the bar when all of a sudden the Jewish guy walks over and punches the Chinese guy in the face.

"What the hell, man?"
"That was for Pearl harbor, asshole."
"That was the Japanese. I'm Chinese!"
"Japanese, Chinese, same thing."
The Jewish guy shrugged his shoulders and sat back down to his beer.

A few minutes ago by, when the Chinese guy walks over and punches the Jewish guy ...

Me: *slapping my older brother in the face with his own hand*

Me: stop hitting yourself haha, why do you keep hitting yourself

Sister-in-law: ~crying~ is this why you wanted an open casket

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I punched a white man in the face and was arrested for assault..

The next day when I got out, I punched a black man in the face and was arrested for impersonating a police officer.

If you see someone drinking a Sierra Mist, punch them straight in the face...

...that's the first rule of Sprite Club.

I opened a tub of soft margarine and it looked just like the face of Jesus!

I showed my Indian friend and he said "I can't believe it's not Buddha".

Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight, when one draws a line in the dirt and slurs, “If you cross this, I’ll hit you in the face.”

That was the punchline...

I answered my front door this morning and got punched in the face by a 5 foot tall beetle!

Obviously, there's a nasty bug going around…

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I pissed off some people and they started taking turns to punch me in the face...

That's it. That's the punch line.

“Hey, do you care if I punch myself in the face?” “No, not at all…

…knock yourself out.”

A guy punches a kid in the face.

This resulted in a "minor" injury.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the downside to cumming on the face of the girl you like?

Having to clean the monitor.

Imagine this, you’re in a queue to be hit in the face

That’s the punch line

My boyfriend just punched my doctor in the face

‘You’re a disgusting pervert , I’ll be reporting you to your boss for what you just told my girlfriend!’

‘Babe calm down - he said acute angina!’

My moms response time for a slap in the face used to be 1ms

and it hertz alot.

Reporter to the old guy sitting next to his wife: "what's your secret for 80 years of happy and successful marriage?"

The old man replied "i'm gonna tell you a story, 75 years ago we were on a trip, we were horseback riding just ive two of us, out of nowhere her horse went crazy and throw her off on the ground, she calmly got up, cleared herself of dust and facing ive horse said "that's one" then got back on the ho...

I have invented microscopic robots that can form the face of Robin Williams.

I call them "nanu-nanubots."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once made the mistake of making fun of a Florida man's wife; he walked up, slapped me in the face, and said...

KEEP MY COUSIN'S NAME OUT YO FUCKIN MOUTH!

A priest, a drunkard and an engineer are sentenced to death by guillotine. The executioner as the priest if he wants to be face up or down when he meets he fate. The priest says he’d like to die face up looking towards heaven...

... The blade comes down and stops just before the priest’s neck. This is seen as a sign from God and the priest is set free. The drunkard is asked the same question and responds with face up hoping he’ll be saved like the priest. The blade again stops inches from the neck and the drunkard is f...

If someone hates you for no reason, punch them in the face.

Now they will hate you for a reason.

Why do women wear panties with flowers on them?

In loving memory of all the faces that have been buried there.

Smile on the face, pain in the heart

If it ain't a heart attack, it will go away with a fart

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I followed Dwayne Johnson for an hour and when he wasn't looking I slapped his arse. He turned around and punched me in the face.

That's what happens when you hit rock bottom.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Bobby was running through the woods

Little Bobby was running through the woods behind his house when the urge to go #2 struck. Bobby did his business behind a tree and carried on his way. The next day, Bobby was out behind his house again when he saw a swarm of flies circling yesterday's droppings. Intrigued, Bobby dropped his pants a...

If a donkey bucks you in the face...

...is it still considered an "ass-kicking"?

A music critic told me I wouldn’t know music if it hit me in the face.

I knew a friend that had that experience

He’s in the hospital because he was listening to hard rock

I punched the mall Santa Clause in the face

He called my daughter a 'ho'. 3 times!

I punched my boss in the face

Not only did he fired me, i got home and he kicked me out.

Three nuns passed away and went up to Heaven. They were pleasantly surprised when Saint Peter informed them that in exchange for their many years of servitude and chastity, God Himself was going to bestow upon them each one wish...

The first nun said with a blush, "This is slightly embarrassing, but I have to admit, while I did love serving the Lord, the vow of chastity was really tough on me. May I return to Earth for a weekend of unbridled lust, with the face and body of Angelina Jolie?"

Saint Peter said, "Your wish i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was having sex the other day, when all of a sudden my wife punched me right in the face.

Imagine my surprise, I didn’t even hear her come home!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A redneck is on his honeymoon about to make love, when his wife says...

"Wait, honey, there's somethin' I need you to know. I'm a virgirn"
"WHAT THE FUCK?" The man shouts, and he punches her in the face, knocks her out. He wraps her in the bedsheets, drags her down the stairs and out the door, throws her into the back of his pickup truck, and drives on over to her da...

Just saw a guy punch a cow in the face

How dairy

People say I have the face of a 17 yo.

I keep telling them its 18 and they shouldn't be snooping in my freezer anyway.

Why is your nose in the middle of the face?

Because it's the scenter.

"Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please?"

Waitress: (slaps me across the face) The men I please are none of your damn business

After bombing on stage, the comedian saw audience members waiting for a turn to sock him in the face.

Finally, he had a real punchline.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Becoming White

A 5 year old African American wanted to see what it was like to be white so he covered himself in sugar. He went up to his mother and said “look mama I’m a white boy now!” and she punches him in the face and he then goes to his father and says “look pops I’m a white boy now!” and he takes off his be...

A guy walks into a bar and there's a whole row of people waiting to hit him in the face.

(that was the punch line)

What’s the difference between putting a microchip in a snail and punching a grasshopper in the face?

One is bugging a slug.
The other is slugging a bug

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A rapist and con artist get caught by the sheriff in a small town.

The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the townspeople punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can. The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “ju...

My gf has the face of a saint

It’s a pity it’s St Bernard

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

an Italian guy goes to a bar where he spots a beautiful long legged blonde

He picks her up and brings her home where he makes love to her, after ten minutes of fucking he asks her "are you finish?" To which she replies "no"

Determined not to leave his lady companion unsatisfied; he gets on top of her and and fucks her until she moans loudly, he goes for another ten ...

What is it called when Captain America punches The Hulk in the face?

A "Star-spangled Banner"

I feel so bad for the deaf people who need to read lips to communicate, because of all of the face masks right now.

Let's give them all a moment of silence.

I had to get kicked in the face today.

I was too late and I missed the punch line.

I went to a hedge fund manager's work to punch him in the face

And order a McDouble

How do you describe the pain of getting slapped in the face 100 times in two seconds?

50 Hertz

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A joke to tell your friends in-person

So, like the title says, this joke only works if you're telling it to your friend in real life! Make sure it's someone you're somewhat close with, though.

So a guy walks into a three-story building. That's very important to the story, so you gotta remember it. How many stories does it have?...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The chaos of hoarding toilet paper from others in the face of imminent danger

Is the definition of saving your own ass.

My Tinder bio says that I have a corner office with views of the entire city, drive a $500,000 vehicle, and that I'm paid to travel

You should see the faces my dates make when I tell them I'm a bus driver

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. 'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?', St. Peter asked.

'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.

'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and ...

The face of a child can say it all.

Especially the mouth part of the face.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got a wonderful comment today! Someone told me I had the face of a Greek god.

Not too familiar with Greek gods, but apparently I look like Testicles.

A man came walking up to me with two peg legs, so I punched him in the face.

I’m lack toes intolerant.

People need to cool with the FaceApp age filter...

It's getting old.

I accidentally stabbed my teacher in the face with a pencil.

I thought I would be in big trouble, but she turned a blind eye.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.