UPJOKE

The Deaf Jokes

The deaf wife problem.

Fred feared his wife Rhonda wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give t...

Did you hear the one about the deaf guy?

Neither did he.

What did the deaf person think when he won the auction?

I’ve won, but at what cost?

Did you hear about the deaf accountant?

Her payments were in arrears.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A deaf accountant works for the mafia.

One day, the king pin mafioso is checking out the books and notices there's a million dollars missing. He calls a meeting with the deaf accountant and a sign language translator.

"Ok, there's a million dollars missing, where is it?" asks the king pin. Translator says, "There's a million dolla...

What do you tell the deaf gynecologist?

Read my lips.

Tesla held a charity convention for the deaf last week

the entire day was just sign, sign everywhere a sign

A woman has two admirers.

One of them is a doctor, and the other is a deaf guy.
Every day, the doctor gives the woman a rose.
And every day, the deaf guy gives her an apple.
One day, the woman says to the the deaf guy: "Hey, that doctor gives me a rose every day, and I get the symbolism of that. But why do you give...

Did you know about the deaf shepherd who gathered his flock and herd?

What about the blind carpenter who picked up his hammer and saw?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The deaf computer scientist

A young, attractive woman goes to a bar. She notices a man at the other side of the bar making eye contact with her, and before long the bartender hands her a note saying, "That gentlemen over there told me to give this to you."

> Come join me for a drink?

She approaches the man an...

HEY! I've got a joke. Have you heard the one about the deaf guy?

Neither did he.

Two men are in love with a woman

One of the men is a doctor, and the other a deaf man

Every day, the doctor brings the woman a flower as a sign of his affection.

Every day, the deaf man brings the woman an apple.

She asks him, “Why do you bring me an apple? A flower I understand, but what is the purpose of th...

Did you hear about the deaf man that lost in court?

Sadly, that’s not the only hearing he lost.

The deaf wife

A senior gentleman confesses to his doctor that he believes his wife is getting deaf but she won't admit it. He's asking for advice. The doctor says:
Well to confront her, I suggest when you get home tonight, ask gently from the door step "darling, what's for dinner tonight?", then if she does no...

Say what you want about the deaf...

Credit Jimmy Carr

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the deaf prostitute say to her customer?

Cum again?

did yall hear what happened to the deaf kid?

nope, neither did he

Why did the deaf airplane passenger panic?

They saw the flight attendant yawn.

How did you know the deaf man was dead via video call?

When I asked if he was okay, he showed no sign of life.

Why did the UPS driver give the package to the deaf person?

Because they signed for it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Englishman ,a Scotsman and an Irishman are all going to give speeches to the Deaf Society and are keen to make an impression on their audience…

The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin.

When he finishes, the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.

"Well…" he explained, "By rubbing my chest, I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing m...

How did the deaf gynecologist make it to the top of his profession?

He's a great lip reader.

What did the lawyer say to the deaf man?

Listen buddy, I really feel like you are signing your life away.

How did the deaf teacher give his deaf students their homework instructions?

He assigned it

Did you hear about the deaf lady that got corona virus?

Neither did she.

I feel so bad for the deaf people who need to read lips to communicate, because of all of the face masks right now.

Let's give them all a moment of silence.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

10 Catholic priest all die in a bus accident

When they arrive at the pearly gates, St Peter Acknowledges them. He sees that they're all priests and immediately says "If any of you a pedophiles, there's no point waiting here. You might as well fuck off straight to hell right now!".

9 of the priests turn around and begin to walk away.
...

A deaf woman and a blind man are sitting on the subway

The deaf woman says to the guy: *sign language*

And the blind man says:

Mary the deaf

An old man goes to see the family doctor, and explains:

> Doc, my wife Mary is getting deaf but she refuses to admit it and have any treatment. What can I do?

> Well, it's difficult to know the cause if she won't come, but we can try something: try to call her name from a certain...

What did the deaf, dumb, blind, amputee kid get for Christmas?

Cancer.

You know what the problem with the school for the deaf is

Nobody listens.

What did the deaf hooker get for her birthday?

Hearing aids

What do you call the deaf woman that your wife invited for a three sum?

A signing bonus

Dad: Hey son, have you heard that joke with the deaf guy and a dumbass?

Son: No, what is it?

Dad: I'm sorry, what?

Son: What's the joke?

Dad: I can't hear you.

Son: I hate you.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two deaf guys stop off in a pub one night on the way home from their lip reading class.

Communicating by using their new lip reading skills one offers to buy the drinks and gives the money to the other who goes to the bar to get them.

At the bar he asks for two pints of lager which the barman puts on the bar and then says “that’ll be £15 please.”

The deaf guy looks shocke...

Why did the deaf man put a watch on his ear?

Because he wanted to hear all the time.

I'm going to read braille to the deaf...

For the ASL competition.

What happened when students for the deaf and blind went to the Catholic Church?

Mass confusion

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A deaf-mute walks up to a foursome on the first hole at St. Andrews

He hands one of the players a card that says, “I am a deaf-mute, playing as a single, may I play through?”   
  
The player, a total jerk, shakes his head no and points the deaf-mute to go back and wait his turn.
  
A few holes later, the jerk gets hit in the head by a golf ball while ...

Did you hear about the deaf man who escaped a murderous gang of mute mime artists?

Yeah, he saw them coming.

Did you hear about the deaf guy who could sing?

Ya, well he didn't

Twin sisters in a Newfoundland nursing home were turning 100 years old. The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take pictures of the 100 year old twins.

One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well.

Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa.

The deaf sister said to her twin "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!" said the other.

"Now get a little closer to...

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