UPJOKE

The Dead Jokes

Trump steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter

Donald Trump steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees “Donald Trump Sucks” written in urine across the snow.

Well, he's is pretty ticked off. He storms into his security staff’s HQ, and yells “Somebody wrote an insult i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The dead cow lecture

First-year students at the Vet School were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two impor...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was watching a show about Ancient Egypt, and they mentioned that there were Seven Sacred Oils that they used to anoint the dead with.

I thought that sounded interesting, so I decided to Google "Seven Sacred Oils of Egypt" and the entire front page of results is about where I can buy the essential oils the Egyptians used, you know mlm shit.

I cannot stress enough how this is not what I was looking for, but in hindsight I p...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family’s only cow was lying dead in the field.

The situation looked hopeless to her-how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?
In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself.
When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.
...

Why'd the dead chicken cross the road

To get back from the other side

Raising The Dead!

This elderly couple is watching one of those television preachers on TV one night.

The preacher faces the camera, and announces, "My friends, I'd like to share my healing powers with everyone watching this program. Place one hand on top of your TV and the other hand on the part of your body ...

The dead dog

A guy brought his dog into the vet. He didn't want to admit and accept the fact his dog died. The vet told the owner the dog is dead. The guy demanded a 2nd opinion. The vet gets a cat. The cat sniffs the dead dog and said "meow". The vet said the cat agrees the dog is dead. The owner demands a 3rd ...

What do you call it when a Necromancer has issues raising the dead?

Resurrectile Disfunction!

Mystery of the dead crows

The NSW Police have found a large number of dead crows on the Sturt Highway just outside Wagga Wagga early this morning, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian F...

Did you hear the one about the dead flower?

I think I should stop telling it, it just makes no scents.

How do they contact the dead in Scandinavia?

With a Norwegia-board





I'll see myself out.

What do you call a convention you nominate people for cosplaying as the dead?

Necronomicon

Knee-bone slapper I know…….

What do you call it when a redneck comes back from the dead?

Reintarnation

Skeleton reporters have risen from the dead.

They bring grave news.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bury the dead!

One day little Timmy is in his back yard digging a hole. His neighbor, seeing him there, decides to investigate. "Whatcha doin?" he asked.
Timmy replies, "My goldfish died and I'm burying him."
"That's an awful big hole for a goldfish, ain't it?" asked the neighbor.
Timmy shot back, "That's...

People come to us whenever they want to talk to the dead.

Sometimes they are startled when they see us. My sister is pretty large and I’m pretty small. But together, I tell them, we are a medium.

Why did the Ex-Amish guy not clean all the dead insects off his new car?

He was used to his transport being a little buggy.

The Dead Painter

A detective was called to investigate the death of a house painter. The case seemed pretty open-and-shut... it appeared the painter had broken his neck after falling from his ladder. But, just to be thorough, the detective asked around to see if there were any witnesses to the tragedy.

A yo...

How does Mario talk to the dead?

With a luigi board.

Made this joke up about 10 years ago while trying to think of terrible laffy taffy jokes.

A young man named Joe bought a horse from a farmer for £250.

The farmer agreed to deliver the horse within the next few days. A couple of days later, the farmer drove up to Joe’s house and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.’

Joe replied, ‘Well, then just give me my money back.’

The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I’ve spen...

How do people in Italy contact the dead?

With a Louija board.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've realised that I can speak to the dead

A shame really, since they can't hear me for shit

The Lady with the dead body in the trunk

One night Charlotte was speeding down the highway as a police pulls her over.

The cop comes up and asks her, **"what the heck was making you drive so fast??"**

Charlotte quickly tries to explain herself and tells the officer **"Sir, I have a dead body in the trunk of my car"**

A...

My friend took his grandmother to one of those health spas where tiny fish eat all the dead skin...

It cost him $300, but it was a lot cheaper than a funeral...

Why are all the dead sinners bald?

Because they have hell toupee.

I remember staring down at the dead patient, and realising that I had failed my job as a doctor.

I was so scarred by that day that I've never examined a man's prostate since.

Why did the Necrophiliac Necromancer raise the dead?

So he could get a res-erection

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The dead duck.

A not-so-bright farmer brings his dead duck to a vet, asking for treatment. The vet takes one look and says, "I'm sorry, but that duck is dead." The farmer asks if they can do some tests to make sure. The vet agrees and whistles, summoning a black lab. the dog puts its front paws on the table and sn...

What do the living and the dead have in common right now?

6 feet of social distance

What if that kim jong un rises from the dead??

Can we name him Kim jong undo?

What do you call a Bee thats returned from the dead?

A zombee

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The parrot is dead

At dawn the telephone rings, "Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead".

"My parrot? Dead? The one that ...

Jesus is in heaven, telling everyone about the time he rose from the dead

“That’s nothing” said Buddha. “When I died, I stayed dead!”

Did you hear about the dead atheist?

He was all dressed up with no where to go.

What's the difference between someone who raises the dead and a vampire who loves what they bite?

One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer

Why are there no sea cucumbers in the dead sea?

Because they're sea pickles!

What did the Roman's do, when they heard that Jesus came back from the dead?

REPOST

What was the difference between the dead lawyer and the dead cat on the side of the road?

The cat had tire marks before it.

Crows hold grudges. They're also fond of eating the dead. Now...

they've been found to copulate with corpses.

NeCROWphilia.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Dead Rabbit

A while back I was driving across the countryside on my home. I saw a sudden flash of brown from the side of the road and felt something hit the car. I pulled over and saw I had hit rabbit. It's little whiskers were twitching, and I could tell he wasn't going to make it. I was trying to think how to...

What do you call a tropical island in the dead of winter?

Brrrmuda!

Respect the dead

A young man went to a funeral. While being there he noticed that the church had a wireless network.

Hey, what is the wifi password?

A sad relative said:

Respect the dead!

And the boy asked:

All in lowercase?

A man and his wife and his mother in law went on vacation to the Holy Land...

While they were there, the mother in law passed away.

The undertaker told them you can have her shipped home for $5000 or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.00.

The man thought about it, told him he'd just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked why would you spend $50...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between the clitoris and the dead hooker in my backyard?

The clitoris doesn't exist.

What happened to the dead KGB agent?

Nothing. He just fell off the balcony.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the cowboy say about the dead prostitute?

Hoedown

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 brothers own a cow, which suddenly dies.

The cow being almost a part of their family and a major income source for the family, the 3 brothers become very heartbroken and decide to commit suicide in the river. So they approach the river and are almost about to jump in when a fairy comes out of the river.

Fairy: "If anyone of you is ...

2020 is like living in the Stephen King novels The Stand and The Dead Zone at the same time.

If clowns show up next, that’s IT I’m outta here!

You can only speak ill of the dead at a graveyard

They're beneath you

The dead construction worker

A bunch of construction workers are wording on a building site, when one of them falls from the top floor and dies on the spot.
The other workers draw straws to find out who has to tell his wife. Jack loses and heads off.

One hour later, he returns with a big smile and a case of beer.
T...

After the resurrection from the dead, Jesus appeared to his disciples.

Jesus said: *"Peace be with you",*

and the disciples rejoiced. Simon stepped forward, troubled expression on his face and said: *"Jesus, was it me who betrayed you?"*

Jesus smiled and answered: *"No Simon, you did not betray me."*

Then John stepped forward and asked the same que...

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch your...

My boss said we need to remove the dead weight from our work.

Which is going to be tough, considering our job is in a morgue.

How does Mario talk with the dead?

With a Luigi board

It's easy to talk to the dead.

The hard part is getting them to answer.

What do you call a wizard that specializes in raising horses from the dead?

A Neighcromancer

What do people who raise the dead have in common with people who have throat fetishes?

They’re both neck romancers.

Charron, the ferryman of the dead, has a tough job

I admire him though. He really Styx with it

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.