UPJOKE

The Covid Jokes

After the COVID-19 pandemic winds down, we should honor truck drivers with a national holiday on October 4th.

A big 10-4, if you will.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Stuck in their apartment with their kid during the COVID quarantine, the Smith’s are desperate to fuck...

So they send little Johnny out on the balcony with a popsicle and a notebook with the directions to log what all the neighbors are up to during the quarantine.

After they finished with their twenty minute *alone time,* Mr. Smith lets Johnny back in from the balcony. ”So, Johnny, what did you...

Flat earthers are very worried about the COVID-19 pandemic.

They are afraid that social distancing measures may push people over the edge.

Why were the ants unaffected by the covid virus?

They have lil anty bodies.

Recent political joke circulating in China

Three men who don’t know each other sits in a prison cell. Each explains why he was arrested.

The first man said: “I opposed covid testing.”

The second man said: “I supported covid testing.”

The third man said: “I administered the covid tests.”

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It was revealing when Americans bought toilet paper at the start of the COVID-19 Crisis

It goes to show in the midst of a worldwide pandemic, The Average American only cares about his own ass.

Chuck Norris got the COVID vaccine

The vaccine is now immune to everything

My girlfriend got the COVID vaccine and it seems like the main side effect is...

...that she can't stop talking about getting the COVID vaccine.

an extrovert, an alcoholic and a karen were reluctant to take the covid vaccine

an extrovert, an alcoholic and a karen were reluctant to take the covid vaccine. the doctor tries to persuade them

the extrovert denies

" you won't be able to go to public gatherings anymore"

the extrovert agrees to take it



the alcoholic denies

"you will ha...

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My sex life is like the Covid vaccine

Less than 20 seconds long and the next shot is after 6 weeks

I tried to apply for a medical exemption for the COVID vaccine.

Apparently being a republican isn’t an acceptable medical condition.

God will protect me from COVID-19.

A good Christian man walked into Walmart and was offered a mask by the store greeter. The man politely declined saying God would protect him from Covid. Later the man went to his doctor for a routine check up. The doctor told him everything is fine and they also have all three different types of the...

R. Kelly in the news again--tested positive for the COVID-15 virus

...apparently COVID-19 was a little too old for him.

Naming the COVID-19 variants, the WHO skipped the greek letter 'xi'.

They did that in order to not insult the leader of West Taiwan.

Experts say Donald Trump been setting an outstanding example during the Covid-19 outbreak

28 consecutive press briefings spent washing his hands

Why I won’t take the Covid Vaccine

The first smallpox vaccine came out in 1796 and 100% of the recipients are dead.

Constipation ia a side effect of the covid vaccine

After u take the first dose u will have to wait a few weeks for no. 2

I was kicked out of the COVID ward...

because I told them to stay positive.

The COVID-19

The 19 in COVID-19 must stand for how many pounds we will gain while in quarantine. I feel bad for all the college freshmen out there.

I have absolute proof the Covid vaccine isn’t Bill Gates’ way to control us.

My husband had the vaccination yesterday and he still hates Microsoft Teams.

It's the Covid variant after Omicron I'm really worried about...

it may go on forever

My girlfriend is getting the covid vaccine

She was worried about bill gates tracking us. I said don't worry, he's been watching us for years anyway through the windows.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The nation's top medical experts were asked today if it was time to ease the COVID restrictions.

Allergists were in favour of scratching it.

Dermatologists advised not to make any rash decisions.

Gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it.

Neurologists thought the government had a lot of nerve.

Obstetricians thought the government was labouring under a misconcept...

Today should be a holiday honoring all the truckers who have kept America going during the Covid epidemic.

A big 10-4, if you will.

How do we know that the COVID virus wasn't made in China?

Because it has been 3 years and it's still working

The Norwegian and the Covid-denier

One day an Norwegian and a covid-denier were fishing on opposite sides of the same river, but the Norwegian guy was catching all of the fish.

Eventually, the covid-denier asks the Norwegian, "How do you get to the other side?"

The Norwegian guy responds, "I'll turn on my flashlight and...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sex workers in Vancouver, Canada are being given early access to the Covid vaccine. NSFW

Now, who's dick do I have to suck to get vaccinated?

Why is Mom's Spaghetti better than the covid vaccine?

cuz you only get one shot

How many shots do you need to get the covid vaccine?

Dose!

Scooby Doo is the worst cartoon to watch during the COVID-19 pandemic

Because the Mystery Inc gang doesn’t seem to like people who wear masks

I got the COVID vaccine but I noticed a weird side effect

Every time I sneeze I hear the Microsoft error sound

It was early in the COVID-19 pandemic, and

Father Michael was walking through St. Patrick's Cathedral. He noticed an altar boy furiously scrubbing the crucifix. He asked the boy what he was doing, and the boy said "I'm trying to prevent cross contamination. "

I got my first dose of the Covid-19 vaccine today…

For the next few weeks I’ll be doing things half-vaxxed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So Pfizer announced the Covid-19 vaccine

Having also created Viagra, we can fully rely on a company that was able to raise the dead, to cure the living.

My fitness has been great these past years despite the COVID lockdowns.

I even maxed out the weight on the assisted pull-up machine.

Why did Dolly Parton help fund the COVID-19 vaccine?

So that we'd all get back to working 9 to 5.

Batman is the Covid Vigilante

Given:
a) He covers his entire body except his mouth and nostrils
b) He’s a bat

Therefore:
He may be a superspreader.

I've had enough of all the COVID-19 jokes

They are all tasteless

The COVID-19 virus in the US is unprecedented

Edit: un-presidented

The good news is that they've started shipping the COVID vaccines.

The bad news is that they are shipping them on the 737 MAX.

The good news is that the Covid vaccines are coming.

The bad news is that Pfizer’s vaccine is repforted to have multipfle side effects in some pfatients, including pfermanent loss of spfelling.

How will the youth of the future mock the COVID-19 generation?

OK Zoomer!

I met the most beautiful girl at the Covid testing location the other day

She left me breathless

Everyone who gets the COVID vaccine has to get two shots, except Eminem.

He only gets one shot.

My sister in law got the covid vaccine yesterday.

Her 5g reception has never been better

What did the Eggs Benedict say during the Covid 19 pandemic?

We’re Hollandaise together.

what do the elderly least want to hear at the covid vaccination clinic ?

“Dr shipman will see you now”

I understand and support the Women's National Republican Club's concerns about getting the Covid-19 Shot....

To many of us it seams like a simple task, you go in, they jab you with a little needle and 1 second later its out and your done.

But think of it from a Republican Woman's point of view. That little needle is twice the size of anything that has ever poked her before and is going to be in her ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Me: "Doctor doctor, the Covid pandemic has made my dick go orange..."

Doctor: "That's strange, can you tell me about your daily routine?"

Me: "Well we've been stuck in the house so I've been pretty much just watching porn and eating Cheetos"

They should first test the Covid vaccine on Trump....

If he's safe, the vaccine is good.

But, if he dies, the country is safe.

What did the gamer say when he took the COVID-19 vaccine?

ns

Since the Covid outbreak began, I own the quietest bar in the USA...

Bar none.

Heard that the people who invented the COVID vaccine also invented a vaccine for stupidity.

Not going to take either cause

1) COVID isn't serious.

2) Why would anyone take a vaccine that makes you stupid?

What's the difference between garbage and a home gym's weights during the COVID quarantine?

The garbage gets picked up once a week.

Who was the most popular movie director during the Covid-19 scare?

Quentin Quarantino

One of the most profound things the Covid epidemic has taught me was...

how my breath smells after a cup of coffee... I apologise everyone that I spoke to after I had my morning cup.

A brief rise in the suicide is related to the Covid pandemic

Murderers are working from home.

Did you hear about the COVID-19 spreading like crazy in Italy?

Looks like it's being pasta around.

What is the difference between me and Covid?

A. My dad didn't beat the covid.

Why did Rand Paul delay the vote on the COVID-19 response?

He wasn't sure how to vote and wanted to wait until he was positive.

The COVID-19 event has made me significantly more likely to get laid

Off

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is common between a porn actress and the covid virus

They love to be covered in protein.

Ironically the covid-19 virus has managed to unite the people of the world

By making us stay as far away from each other as possible

Why don't burglars have a problem with the COVID-19 lockdowns?

They are used to work from home.

The COVID-19 lock down has gone on for FAR too long...

It has lasted for one Tool song.

The Covid 19 Toilet Paper craze was a lot like the Stock Market Crash of 1929

But this time, instead of everyone dumping their stocks, they're stocking for dumps

Many people underestimate the benefits of wearing face masks. Besides preventing the transmission of the Covid virus,

we don't have to see your ugly face anymore.

Don't know why everyone freaked when I tried to hug them at the covid center

I was just trying to spread some positivity.

With all the Covid-19 numbers increasing in FL, GA, TX, and AL...

I think I'm finally beginning to understand what they mean by "The South will rise again".

I've been reading a lot about the covid vaccine vs convalescent plasma. I'm 100% convinced

that the covid vaccine is easier to spell.

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