UPJOKE

The Cat Jokes

A man really hated his wife’s cat. One day, he put the cat in his car and took it to the end of the block and let it go. When he got home he saw that the cat had beat him home.

Undeterred, he put the cat in the car and took it a few miles across the city and tossed it out the car again. Upon returning home, he was astonished to see that the cat had beat him home again.

Determined at this point, the man took the cat and drove him across the city, over the river, thro...
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A dog and a cat were having an argument on who is the favorite of humans

The dog says, “Humans like us more. They even named a tooth (canine) after us. Naming such an important body part after us shows that they like us more.”

The cat smiles and says, “You’re not really going to win this one you know.”
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My wife asked me if I’d seen the cat bowl….

I said I didn’t know he could.
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Danny and the cat

Five year old Danny says, "Mommy, I think the cat is dead."

His mother says, "Why do you think that?"

Danny says, "I pissed in her ear and she didn't move."

His mother says, "You did what?"

Danny says again, "I pissed in her ear and she didn't move."

His mother say...

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Lesson 6 of 6: The Bird, the Cat and the Cow dung

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While she was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on her. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, she began to realize how warm she was getting, as the ...

Curiosity killed the cat

Which means that there is life on Mars
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The ghost of a dead cat walks into a bar

The ghost of a dead cat carrying its severed tail in its mouth walks into a bar at 3 a.m. Only the bartender is there, cleaning up and shutting the place down for the night. The cat puts down the tails and begins to speak. "Pardon me sir, I don't know if you remember me, but I'm the cat that was st...
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A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park...

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

When he reached his driveway, there was the cat.

He kept taking the cat further and further but the cat would always beat h...
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A woman went on vacation, leaving her husband behind along with the CAT.

Before she left, she told him to take extra special care of her cat.
The next day she called her husband and asked if the cat was all right.

Her husband said: The cat just died.

She burst into tears and said: How could you be so blunt? Why couldn't you have broken the news gradually...
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A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution.

"Let's have sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.

"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it agai...

Jimmy was asked to feed the cat.

Jimmy asked "to what?"
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A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. I mean you haven't done a...
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A genie grants three wishes to an old lady.

She says, "I want to be young again."

\*poof\*

She's young again.

"I want my little house to be turned into a beautiful mansion."

\*poof\*

She's now living in a beautiful mansion.

"I want my cat to be turned into a handsome young man!"

\*poof\*
...
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Did you hear about the cat found guilty of murder?

He got nine life sentences
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“Correcting killed the cat,” said a stranger standing next to a man.

“No, that was curiosi…” a loud bang and flash of light silenced him quickly
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A mother asked her son to lose their cat somewhere in the jungle.

The boy obeyed. The boy returned home and reported to his mom.

Son: Mom! I led the cat far into the jungle. I even got lost!!

Mother: How were you able to come back home?

Son: I followed the cat.
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Nasa was experimenting with different animals in space.

Monkeys were an obvious choice, but they had no patience. Mice chewed all the cables, dogs were too stupid and chickens were always scared. It seemed the only animal that could cope with the intense stress of space travel was a chilled out alley cat.

After a few months of testing and training...
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Splat goes the cat

a guy was driving for hours thu desolate country when he passed a farmhouse, and before he could react, a cat ran out in front of him and splat ... he flattened the cat. Out of kindness and consideration, he stopped, turned around and drove back to the farmhouse to notify the occupants. When the hou...
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What did the cat say when he fell off the table?

"Me-ow."
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Speaking of a big fat butt!

A girl takes her big fat cat to the vet.

"My cat is very fat,” she says.

"Alright," says the vet. "I will look at him."

The vet picks up the cat and examines its teeth. Then she looks at its eyes. Then into its ears.

Finally, she turns to the girl and says, “I'm very sorr...

One day the family cat dies

The daughter is traumatised because the cat was found on the floor, on its back, with its legs in the air. She asks "Why is she like this?"

The quick-thinking father says "Umm, it's so that Jesus can come down and carry her up to heaven". The daughter seems to accept this explanation and feel...
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A woman is at her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner. This is her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.
It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the pouf....

A cat walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "what'll you have?"
The cat says, "A shot of rum."
The bartender pours the cat his drink.
The cat slowly pushes the shot off the table.
"Another."
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An octopus slinks into a dark room with a gun in each arm.

He hears a soft chuckle coming from the corner. “You’re one short, my friend,” says the cat as he steps into view.
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What was the cat arrested for?

Charges of purr-jury
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The wife told me the cat had to be chipped.

I only have a nine iron but i still got it over the shed
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Why did the cat have to go to an accountant?

They got caught up in a purramid scheme.
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Why wasn't the cat invited to the poker game?

Because it was a cheetah.
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What did the cat with a new outfit say?

“Check meowt!”
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A woman’s on vacation and calls home

She asks her husband, "How’s my cat doing?"

The husband says, "The cat’s dead."

The woman’s upset and says, "Well, you could have broken the news to me when I got home. I can’t enjoy my vacation now. You could’ve just said a little white lie, like the cat’s on the roof and you can’t ge...
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My wife asked me "Is it just me or is the cat getting fat?"

Apparently "No it's just you" wasn't the right answer.
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why did the cat press the nuclear button

it wanted Catastrophe

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So, I was just in the laundry room, scooping the cat box, when a little turd rolled under the washing machine.

I guess you could say I really lost my shit.

you know what they say about the cat on vr?

She's got meta-paws.
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Two newfies are robbing a house

Two newfies (guys from Newfoundland) are robbing a house.

One of them is upstairs, and after dropping a big lamp, he hears the home's owner get up to investigate the noise. As he gets close, the robber goes "Miiaaowwww" imitating a cat, then he hears the guy grubling "God damn it, stupid cat"...
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A German shepherd, a Doberman and a cat died.

In heaven they faced God,who wanted to know what they believed in.
The German shepherd said "i believe in discipline, loyalty and training to my master".
"Good" said God. "You may sit on my right side".
The Doberman said "I believe in love,care and protection of my master".
"Aha,you may ...
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Curiosity killed the cat

One day I was walking by a tall fence. On the other side I could hear a group of people chanting, "12! 12! 12! 12!" Confused, I tried to jump up and see over the fence, to see what's going on but the fence was too tall. A little further up, I saw a small hole in the fence. I walked up to it and pee...
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Why was the cat so small?

It was brought up on condensed milk.
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had to quit my job at the cat shelter today

They reduced meowers
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Why did the cat never finish the movie?

It kept hitting paws.
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Drunk: "Hey, Louie! The cat that's coming in the window only has one eye!"

Louie: "The cat's leaving."
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A man invites some of his fetish club over for breakfast....

They are catching up on life and swapping stories about work, their grandkids’ birthdays, their recent stock market fortunes, and so on, when the subject of what they’re most proud of comes up.


Gerald, a 35 year old dentist, proudly exclaims, “Of everyone here, I by far, have the larges...

They say curiosity killed the cat,

but what I want to know is how the cat got to Mars in the first place
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Curiosity didn't kill the cat.

That's just not how Mars Rovers work.
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How do you buy a kitten when the pet store is closed? (Joke from my 10 yr old)

You order it from the Cat-alogue
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The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight. "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit blitzed, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape...

Why did the German soldier help the cat?

Because he was a veteran Aryan
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An old woman took her husband to the doctor. The doctor checked the husband's pulse, then told the woman, "I'm sorry, your husband is dead."

The woman was shocked. "I don't believe it. Are you sure? I want to be absolutely sure, are there any other tests you can do?"

The doctor responded, "I'm quite sure, but if you'd like we do have some alternative tests that we can perform."

"YES! I have to be absolutely certain."
...

a Scottish man walks into a bar in canada

He noticed there is an animal's head hanging on the wall and asked the bartender what is it

"A moose" replied the bartender

"Jesus christ! How big are the cats here?" Said the scot
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Did you hear about the cat that got cast in Richard III?

Meow is the winter of his discontent.
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Always feed the cat

An older lady prepares steaks in the kitchen when small cat snuggles up to her leg and begs for a piece of meat by meowing. The lady pushes him off her feet. The cat snuggles up again and begs for a piece of meat.
"Get out!" she shouts at him and kicks him into a corner.
Later on her son-in-la...

A man and his wife retire after working at their respective jobs for 40+ years and settle on a nice ranch out in the country

The wife asks if she can adopt a cat since all of their kids have grown and moved on, so she was having some empty nest syndromes going on

The husband agrees and they adopt a cat from the local shelter

And this woman adored the cat, lavishing all kinds of love onto the animal

Un...
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We all know humans are just cat's slaves, right? Yes. So a human was looking for a new home, to his cats disapproval. When the human said "I am the owner, I call the shots" how did the cat respond?

You can't spell homeowner without meow.
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Why did the cat get fined?

Because he was caught littering.
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A cat walks into a bar...

A cat walks into a bar and sees an empty counter. He saunters up to the bartender and asks for a shot of whiskey.

The bartender looks at the cat and says, "Rough day, huh? Maybe you should try chasing a laser pointer. That always seems to cheer me up."

The cat glances at the bartender ...
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A rich old lady called the veterinarian to come to her apartment due to problems with her female cat.

Vet: Is your cat spayed?

ROL: No. I didn’t think that necessary. She never goes outside.

The vet inspected the cat carefully.

Vet: Well, she must have gotten out at some time. She’s pregnant.

ROL: She can’t be. Since I had her as a kitten she has never been outside thi...
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Why was the cat banned from running the race?

Because he was a cheetah.
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A man asks his buddy to check up on his cat

A man asks his buddy to check up on his cat and his mother as he is going on vacation for a month. The trip is goin well when one day he receives an e-mail from his friend that reads: "Your cat was hit by a truck and died".

He immediately calls his friend to ask what exactly had happened and ...
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This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada. After a hard day on the slopes, he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain. After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall...

He asks the bartender, "What the fuck is that?"

The bartender replies, "It's a moose."

The Scottish chap shouts back, "Fuck me! How big are the cats?"

A poor old lady was forced to sell her valuables to avoid eviction.

As she rummaged through her dusty belongings, she came across a dull copper kettle. Intrigued by it’s possible value the old woman dusted it off and BAM! A genie erupted from its neck.

The genie says “I have seen your plights, and will grant you three wishes.”

The woman, astounded, t...
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A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet.

The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.
"That sure is a nice fire truck," the firefighter said with admiration.
"Thanks," the girl replied.
The firefighter looked a little closer.
The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's co...

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A cat walks into a bar.

He’s having a bad day. He asks the bartender for a shot of whiskey. The bartender puts it on the counter and the cat slowly nudges the shot glass onto the floor breaking the shot glass. The cat looks up at the bartender and says leave the bottle. I’m not done yet.

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The Robin Barron lets the Cat ouf of the Bag

The Robin Barron raises a motion to prohibiting the riff raff hunting worms.

Now the cat is out of the bag.

Hunger drives the Pigeonlatariate to call for state regulation of the bird feeder.

The Black Birdgeosisie pontificate on the mobs of raucous Gold Pinchers fouling up the w...

What did the dog say to the cat?

Nothing, cause dogs can’t talk.
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Is Tom the cat able to pour gasoline on the ground from a container?

No, but Jerry can.
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Did you hear the cat's inappropriate joke?

[remewved]
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How my Husband and I Terrified a Taxi Driver

My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre.

Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat ...

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A guy walks into a bar, followed by an ostrich, followed by a cat.

All three sit down at the bar. The bartender looks at the man and says, “What’ll ya have?” The man says, “Gimme a beer.” The ostrich says, “I’ll have one too.” The cat says, “I want two beers, but I’m only gonna pay half price.” The bartender serves up four beers, and tells the man, “that’ll be $12....

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Little Johnny comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said Little Johnny..

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.

He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mothe...

They say that curiosity kills the cat.

My childhood memories are ruined, now that i realized that Curious George is a cat killer
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A husband and wife are going out for the evening...

Before going out they always put their cat out for the night.

An Uber arrives to pick up the couple and as they walk out of the house, the cat runs back inside.

The husband goes back into the house to chase the cat out, and the wife walks out to the Uber. She doesn’t want the driver to...
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Why did the cat need medicine?

Because it wasn't feline too good.
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I was petting a three legged cat the other day and it's owner came outside

I asked if the cat was for sale

He said he'd give me 25% off
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A cat scratches at the gate to heaven to get in

St Peter opens the door.

He looks down at the cat and snarls “Egh, what is it now, in or out?!”
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The cat

A wife went on a business trip leaving her husband in supervision of her mother and her cat.
After a few days, she called her husband and asked, “How is everything going?”
He responded with, “The cat is dead.”
She cried out and said, “Why couldn’t you have broken the news slowly? Y...
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Why was the cat laying on the globe?

He wanted to take a cat map.
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Did you hear about the cat who lied about his age?

He was just kitten.
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The cat and the chicken...

There was a cat and a chicken standing on the edge of a bridge, the cat falls in the river, and the chicken starts laughing.

Whats is the moral of the storry ?

Where is a wet pussy, there will allways be a happy cock.

The Talking Cat (Original)

Two French brothers are out fishing when one hooks something on his line. After a lot of huffing and puffing by the two of them, they pull up a small wooden chest. They open it, and inside there is a small tabby cat with a note that says "This is a magical talking cat. Please take care of him."...
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A guy walks into a bar wearing a Browns jersey and carrying a cat that also has a Browns jersey on with a little Browns helmet on his head, too.

The guy says to the bartender, "Can my cat and I watch the Browns game here?
My TV at home is broke, and my cat and I always watch the game together."

The bartender replies, "Normally, cats wouldn't be allowed in the bar, but
it's not very busy in here right now, so you and the cat can ...
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Curiosity killed the cat, only half the time

the cat only dies half the time when you look but if you dont look you dont know
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Why didn’t the cat pick up his trash?

Because kitty litter!
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Whiskas (the cat food company) are missing out on so much money

They can just start producing sex toys and they don't even have to change their slogan

"Your cat is going to love Whiskas"

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