UPJOKE

The Buddha Jokes

The Buddha

The Buddha was sitting under the bodhi tree, then some other guys asked him to get up and leave.
Buddha says, "namaste".

Why did the Buddha quit gmail?

Because of the attachments.

Three people die and appear before Buddha

Stunned by the divine presence before them, they lower their heads.

-Raise your heads. You were humble in life and your deeds were praiseworthy. You have earned the right to a reincarnation of your choice. You have much to accomplish yet though.

One of the people takes a step forward a...

The Buddha walks up to a hot dog stand

He says, “Make me one with everything.”

Why does the Buddha float in water?

Because he’s enlightened

Why can’t the Buddha vacuum under the couch?

Because he doesn’t have any attachments.

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Wisdom of the Buddha

So a man is looking for enlightenment and he reads and studies and learns all he can but he hits a wall. He just can't seem to learn any more so he decides to go to tibet to speak to one of the masters there. He climbs a mighty mountain and sees the master meditating on top, like you see in movies a...

What did The Buddha say when they tried to evict him?

“Namaste.”

A Dolphin meets the Buddha...

The Buddha says you may ask me any question young dolphin and I shall answer for you.
The Dolphin thinks about what he should ask and after several minutes of soul searching he ask the Buddha "What is my Porpoise in life?"

Someone sent the Buddha a gift box tied with a ribbon.

Buddha opened it to find it empty. “Aha!”, he said, “Just what I wanted. Nothing!”

What's the difference between your father and the Buddha?

One abandoned his family to "get a pack of cigarettes", the other left to "get enlightened".

The Buddha walks into a pizza joint and says, "Make me one with everything."

The cashier says "That'll be $12.50."

The Buddha gives him a twenty and holds out his hand for the change.

The cashier shakes his head, smiles and says, "Change must come from within."

Well away from the muffins...

My aunt Sara is someone who has an excellent sense of humor. In a nutshell, my aunt is a lady in her sixties who uses the fact that she loves cakes and is overweight... to make fun of herself. One of the most delightful conversations i had with her was when i met her at the bus stop one day and she ...

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So this guy bought a car

And being a practicing Catholic, decided to ask his priest to bless it. So the priest prayed and sprinkled some holy water over it. Then he gave him a rosary and a statue of the Holy Virgin to place in the car.

A Buddhist bought a car and asked a monk to bless it. The monk burned some incens...

Gods office

An every day man died, and floated up to heaven. And at the pearly gates St Peter was there to greet him.

And he said “before we can let you Into heaven we need to check your lie clock first”

‘My lie clock said the man?’ What’s that?

St Peter told him it’s a big clock that ke...

Muhammad walks up to the Buddha and says "Guess what a mosque and 9 year old have in common."

I've been in both.

A man is taking a stroll through Central Park…

… when he finds a lamp on the ground. Curious, the man picks it up and rubs it - and a genie appears! The genie, however, apologizes - after millennia of wear and tear, he can only grant one wish, and what’s worse is that it can only be one of three options.

The first is to be the most attrac...

A Buddhist finds a Genie in a lamp

The genie says "I can grant you one wish." The Buddha says with tears in his eyes "I've always wanted to be Hispanic, and I have also lived this life of poverty. What I would really like is for you to make me Juan, with everything."

A store for wisdom

Dr. Who was traveling through time and space, when he came upon a cache of the universe's best wise sayings. He loaded them into the Tardis and decided to set up a shop on a nice little corner just outside of reality to sell the sayings to the great thinkers and writers of all time. He advertised hi...

A Frog Walks Into A Bank

and approaches the teller who's name is John Paddywack.

"I would like to take out a loan for $100,000" the frog declares.

Mr. Paddywack looks at the frog and says "Since you don't have any credit with this bank you'll need a cosigner."

"No Problem" says the frog "My father is ...

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There was a young couple very much in love...

There was a young couple very much in love. On the night before they were to be married, both were killed in an accident. They found themselves at the pearly gates of heaven being escorted in by St. Peter.
After a couple of weeks in heaven, the prospective groom took St. Peter aside and said, "S...

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