UPJOKE

The Australian Jokes

Deep in the Australian bush…

A lizard and a koala are sitting in a large gum smoking a joint. They’re having a blast.
Eventually the lizard says, “Dude, my mouth is so dry. I’m going to get a drink at the river.” So he climbs down the tree, makes his way through the bush and when he arrives at the river he leans in to drin...

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A Frenchman, an Englishman and an Australian go exploring in the jungle.

Afer some time, they come across a beautiful lake and all decide to go swimming.

Afterwards as they leave the crystal-clear water they are captured by a local tribe and are brought before the chief.

The chief looks at them and says "All three of you were caught swimming in our sacred w...

An Australian guy is going around asking people trivia questions on the street...

The Australian guy approaches a random man and says, "You there! If you can name one Scandanavian country right now, I'll give you $100."

The man says, "Norway!"

The Australian says, "Yes way! Any one of them."

An Australian, and Irishman and a Brit were sitting in a bar. There was only one other person in the bar. The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar. They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before when suddenly the Irishman cried out:

My God! I know who that man is - it's Jesus!" The others looked again, and sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.


The Irishman calls out across the lounge: "Hey! Hey you! Are you Jesus"? Jesus looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. "Yes, I am J...

An Australian joins the UN Peacekeeping Corps

On his second day, his American Drill Instructor is going down the line, grilling the recruits.

He gets to the Australian, and screams "Did you come here to die?!"

To which the Australian replies "Nah mate, I came here yesterday."

What did the Australian optician say to his patient with 20/20 vision?

Good eye, mate.

What do you call a large, amphibious invasion by the Australian military?

G-Day

What does the Australian Chess Grandmaster call his opponent from Prague?

Czech mate

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THE AUSTRALIAN APPROACH'

A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.

The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience ?'

The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo.'

The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.

His first day on t...

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God is creating the world, and he talks to the canadians

He says to them “You will have the best land ever. It is beautiful, in the summer it is warm and in the winter it snows beautiful snow flakes. It is called Canada. You will have prosperity and food for all your days.”

He then gets the Australians, and says to them “I give to you Australia. Yo...

I really hate the fact that after the Queen’s death the Australian coins are being updated..

But then again, I don’t like change.

Why is Novak Djokovic out of the Australian Open?

Serb's no good.

An Australian is aboard the wrong airplane

The flight attendant approaches them and says “I’m so sorry. I’m not sure how this mix-up happened but this plane is arriving in an entirely different country than your intended destination.”

The Australian says “No way.”

The flight attendant replies “Sweden, actually.”

This joke is not sponsored by the AUstralian open





**Q:** Can tennis players cook?

**A:** No, they can only serve and return.

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A Frenchman, an American and an Australian are in a pub...

And the Frenchman says, "When I make love to my wife she’s in such ecstasy her body rises centimetres off the bed."

The American, not to be outdone, replies, "When I have sex with my wife she’s having so much fun she rises inches off the bed."

They both then look at the Australian and ...

How did the Australian pay for his new chess set?

Cheque, mate.

Novak Djokovic choked and was knocked out of the Australian Open.

He missed two easy shots.

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An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Australian, are hiking through the South American jungle

When all of sudden, they see a crystal clear pool at the foot of a mountain. They're all hot and tired, so naturally, they strip off and jump in, and to their surprise, that are captured by natives. They are brought in front of the chief and told that the pool is sacred. He tells them that they are ...

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An Australian walks into a US bar...

...with a crocodile under his arm. The bartender takes one look and says, "Hey! You can't bring that dangerous animal in here!"

"Dangerous? That ridiculous!" the Aussie proclaims. "Watch this!"

He places the croc on a table and grabs a nearby newspaper, rolling it up. He hits t...

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How does the Australian get his ass so clean after going to the toilet?

Bidet, mate!

What did the australian say to the undercooked turkey?

Are you all raw?

The Australian Armed Forces recently declassified documents detailing their rationale for choosing the Steyr AUG as the Army’s assault rifle.

“Buy local.”

Melissa Caddick tried out for the Australian Olympic Javelin team.

She made a good effort on the day of her trial, but her final effort fell a foot short.

The Australian accent

To die is the die, I toip ennen Australian axe ent

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The aussies will understand

Three men are hiking in the Australian outback. One man is an Englishman, another is a Frenchman, and the other is an Aussie man. The men come across a beautiful lake and decide to take a swim. Once they get out they’re greeted by indigenous tribesmen. The leader of the tribe says to the men “you ha...

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The Australian Bride

A very nice, innocent Australian woman wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never had sex with another woman. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad.

She ends up corresponding with Scotty Greer, who is an ave...

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The Australian figured out the button on the toilet did, it was not going to be a g'day

In fact, it was the start of a bidet

What was the last thing the Australian suicide bomber was overheard saying?

Tadie’s tha die ta die.

Where did the Australian go To die?

Not sure, but I know where they went yesterdai

What did the Australian say when his grandfather left a message to call back?

"Boomerang."

I applied to fight the Australian forest fires...

They said I was overkoalafied. (If you enjoyed this, please donate to Australia. Thank you)

Why didn't the yam go to the Australian Open?

Because he wasn't a commontator

What did the trees say to the Australians pruning them?

Eucalyptus

What does the Australian say when he wants to pay the bill?

Checkmate

What's the difference between the Australian Brushfires and the Great Fire of Rome?

Nero actually didn't play the lyre as Rome burnt.

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The Australian turns to the cat and asked him, “do you have trouble with poo sticking to your fur?”

The cat said no. So the Australian picked up the cat and wiped his bum with him.

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Three construction workers, an Australian, a Finn and a Swede, are sitting on a beam on the tenth floor about to have their lunch.

The Australian opens his lunch box and says "Bloody hell - meat pies again! Every day it's bloody meat pies! If I get meat pies again tomorrow, I'm going to jump!"

The Finn opens up his lunch next. "Saatana! Makkara (sausage) again! Always sausages! If I get sausage tomorrow, I'm gonna jump t...

Awful pun I came up with whilst drunk last night.

Who is the Australian Frankesntein's favourite singer?

Rihanna, mate.

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What’s my plan for karma? Piss off the Australians.

Their downvotes turn into upvotes here. The ultimate switch-a-roo

What did the Australian teacher say to his talkative literature class

Excuse me everyone please stop Tolkien

Why did the Australian fisherman get kicked out of the toy store.

Because he was throwing shrimp on the barbie.

An Australian Man Joins the U.S. Army

As they present themselves at boot camp, the drill sergeant walks up and down the line, looking for signs of weakness.

He stops and gets in the Australian's face and asks "Did you come here to die soldier?"

The Australian calmly responds, "No sir, I came here yester-die."

I was surprised when the audience of the Australian cooking show applauded for the merangè

I thought Australians would boo merangè

What's the difference between Cinderella and the Australian Cricket team?

Cinderella knew when to leave the ball.

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NSFW: There's a crew of builders working on a high rise building in Australia. They are working on the top; which is over 70 stories high.

Bruce the builder, climbs on a beam hanging from the crane and says to his friend Joe "Hey Joe, stand on the other end of the beam, as a counter weight, I need to take a whizz over the side. Joe stands with his back to him and says "Sure thing, mate." Bruce undoes his fly and starts peeing. The lunc...

An ancient aquatic system older than the pyramids has been revealed by the Australian bushfires

Australian scientists are thinking about naming them 'rivers.'

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A tourist is driving through the Australian outback

He turns a corner to see a guy having sex with a sheep on the roadside

Disgusted and shocked he sees a pub up the road and calls in.

As he enters he sees a one legged Australian masturbating against the bar.

"Dear God" he says to the barman.."This country is disgusting"
...

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A Chinese man, French man, Muslim and an Australian stand on the edge of a cliff

\[long\]



The Chinese man approaches the edge and says "My country is rich with money - so I will give some to the gods, for luck!"

And the throws several rolls of $100 notes off the cliff.



The French man, not wanting to be out done, steps forward. "In my country...

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An Australian was taking his girlfriend out for a night of passion under the stars.....

....when she was stung between the legs by a giant hornet. In a panic he wasn’t sure what to do so he rang the Australian Emergency Medical Helpline.... “Hello, I’m takin’ me Shiela out for a romantic night of camping and she’s just been stung by a hornet on her privates...and it’s all swollen and ...

Why didn’t the Australian get smashed at the party ?

Because he din-go

The Australian government recently unveiled their plans for a 1 dollar coin.

While some critics questioned the economic viability, the kangaroonie will start circulation next year, according to a government spokesperson.

The Australian government wishes to band grated cheese

They want to make Australia grate again

A plane crashes in the Australian desert, and an American tourist is the only survivor...

He survives in the desert for days with severe injuries before being discovered by locals and brought to a small community hospital. Relieved at his good fortune, he passes out until the next day.

When he wakes up, he sees that his wounds have become infected, he is connected to multiple mach...

Two men were hiking in the Australian Outback.

Two men were hiking in the Australian Outback when an emu walked up to them.

One of the men was thrilled to see an emu so close up. The other man was more hesitant, for he read that emus can be very aggressive and hostile.

The man started to yell at the emu, "Go away, you big, fat, st...

What was the last thing the Australian terrorist said.

KoALLAH AKBAR.

In the Australian Outback, they're called 'bush doctors'.

But I'm pretty sure everyone else just calls them gynaecologists.

Why couldn't the Australian general win the war on bread?

Because it was stale, mate.

How much did it cost the Australian cowboy to purchase his gang of marsupials?

A buck a 'roo.

What did the Australian say to the two people fighting over bread?

It's stalemate

An Australian,A Frenchman and An indian are talking about the driving conditions in their respective countries.

The Australian says: We're such good drivers, that we can go 10 feet within a cliff and not fall off!

The Frenchman, looking to appear better than his British Texan counterpart says:Oh yea? We're such good drivers that we can go within 5 feet within a cliff and not fall off!

The Indian...

How did the Australian make the Olympics?

He koala-fied!!!!!

Buh-duh-tss

It had to be Australia

A gecko lizard is walking through the Australian bush, heading toward the river for a drink.

On his walk he comes across a koala sitting in a gum tree, smoking a joint and stops for a chat.

"Gidday, mate. What are you doing?"

The koala replies, "Smoking a joint, come up and join...

What does the Australian army soldier say when the American army leader says, “did you come here to die!”

He said, “Nah mate, came ere yesterdie”

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An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Australian are hiking in the mountains

They find some hot springs and decide to take a bath. Some native tribals come along and say "you have trespassed our sacred lands. For this, you will be killed and your skin will be made into canoes. But, you each have one wish before you die." The Englishman asks for a knife and slits his throat. ...

What method does the Australian god use to part the Red Sea?

Oz Moses.

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That is what we sell to Australia

An Australian man was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.

The Australian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation.

The American snapped his gum and said,

\- "...

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An Australian guy walks into a bar with a crocodile under his arm.

He asks the bartender if he will give him free drinks if he shows he can put his penis inside the crocs mouth for 15 seconds without it getting bit off. The bartender agrees. The guy opens the crocs mouth and puts his penis inside it; the croc gently closes his mouth and after 15 seconds the Austr...

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An Australian, and Englishman, and a Japanese guy are shipwrecked...

An Australian, and Englishman, and a Japanese guy are shipwrecked after their cruiseship sank.

After they compose themselves, the Englishman takes charge of the situation.

He turns to the Australian: "alright chap, I think I shall go down the beach to search for food, shelter, supplie...

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