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Thankyou Jokes

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My mate said he can tighten up nuts and bolts with his butt.

Personally I think he torques out of his arse

Edit: Silver, Gold, Platinum, and got to the front page.

Thankyou everyone!

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Nsfw An aussie man calls emergency services while camping with his wife

Operator: "Emergency services how can we help you mate"

Man: "Please help! me sheila got bitten in her minge by a mozzie and its all swollen and now we can't have sex!"

Operator: "Oh bummer mate..."

Man: "Oh thanks mate never thought of that!"
*Hangs up

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Had sex for an hour and 30 seconds today

Thankyou daylight savings

Officer: Sir your wife fell out of your car about a mile back!

Man: Thankyou for telling me officer! I thought I had gone deaf!

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A man's yatch capsizes and he is about to drown in the middle of the ocean

Loudly he proclaimes "Nothing to fear! My lord will save me!"

A tug boat comes by and the sailor spots the man

"It's your lucky day mate, jump in and I'll take you to shore"

The man replies, "thankyou for the kind offer but I have no fear, my lord will save me!"

"Suit you...

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A cow walks up to a man

"Hey man" the cow says "What the fuck?!" says the man "A talking cow?!' The cow laughs and says "bet you've never seen a talking cow before have you!" The man is shocked and says "well what else can you do?" the cow says "lots of things, here I will show you" the cow walks over to a phone box, pulls...

Three wishes

Three friends are stuck on an island. One day, one of the them found a bottle floating near land. It so happen to be a genie bottle! "Thankyou for freeing me! You may have three wishes!", the genie explains. The first person wished to go back home, and just like that, they vanished and went home! Ex...

A bunch of sausages are smoking around a poker table

A bunch of sausages are smoking around a poker table. Suddenly the door slams open and a salami walks in.


"You look parched my friend, would you like a drink?" Asks one of the sausages.


"No thankyou" says the salami "I don't drink".


"Join us for a smoke then" replies...

A teacher asks his students to make a sentence with the word "contagious"...

...Sally answers, "Viruses are contagious."

"Very good Sally. Anybody else?", the teacher says.

Ben puts up his hand, "When I hear someone laugh, I like to laugh as well, because laughter is contagious".

"Thankyou Ben, that was a good example", replies the teacher.

Then T...

Drill Sergeant: "I didn't see you at camouflage training today recruit!"

Recruit: "Thankyou sir!"

Kcpd got me with a dad joke

I deliver gas(context). The officers were standing out front of the gas station. I was walking back to my truck.
Me: "Yall have a goodnight and be safe"
Officer:"Thankyou you too. Good luck with
Your gas problem"
Made my night and I laugh about it at work alot.

Did you hear it's 'National Pretzel Day' in America today?

Just making sure everyone knows it's knot bread... (thankyou Simpsons)

A man has some time off...

A man is told by his psychiatrist to have some time off so he decided to go off to Basque to spend some time with a family there to get away from it all. He spends a good few years there with a family with 10 children and enjoys himself tremendously. Feeling thoroughly relaxed and ready to go back t...

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Three Nuns Die

In a car crash and go to heaven, Sister Margeret, Sister Patricia, and Sister Mary. They meet Peter at the gates of heaven.

Peter : " Before any of you get in, you need to wash the part of your body in the fountain of holy water that has been lustfully used to sin"

Sister Margeret wal...

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A man with an apple-sized head walks into a bar...

A man with a head the size of an apple walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender is understandably taken aback by the size of the man's head and says to him:

"Mate, I know you probably get asked this all the time but why is your head so small? There's a free beer in it for you if you ...

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