UPJOKE

Test Results Jokes

I got my covid test results and I'm so confused.. it was just the number 83...

On the plus side my IQ test came back positive

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Wife got her test results back. We thought she had Tourette’s syndrome. Tests were negative.

Turns out I am a cunt & she does want me to fuck off

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results

The lab tech says to him, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, that's either bad or terrible."...

A man goes to the doctor to get his test results...

The doctor says, I'm sorry but I have bad news. You have cancer.

The man says, oh no, that's terrible!

The doctor says, I'm very sorry, but I have even more bad news. You've also got Alzheimer's.

The man says, oh my God, that's awful! But hey, at least I don't have cancer!

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A man sits in his doctor’s office waiting for some test results…

The doctor enters;

“So doc, what’s the prognosis?”

“Well, I’m afraid you’re going to have to stop masturbating”

“Oh no, why?”

“Because I’m trying to speak to you about your results”

The doctor gives test results back to a man

“I’m afraid you have Chlamydia, gonorrhea, and Onomatopoeia,” said the Doctor

The man asks, “What’s Onomatopoeia?”

The Doctor replies, “It’s exactly what it sounds like”

A man goes to discuss his test results with his doctor.

The doctor enters and tells the man, "I have good news and bad news."

The man asks to hear the good news first.

"You're going to have a disease named after you."

Son: "Dad, did you get your DNA test results back?"

Dad: "Call me George."

After reviewing my blood test results, my doctor told me to stop smoking moving forward.

Now I smoke walking sideways.

A woman gives birth to her first child and is laying in bed waiting for some test results to come back.

Eventually after a lengthy wait the doctor arrives and says:

“Ma’am, I have good news and bad news, which would you like first?”

Startled, she exclaims to get the bad news out of the way first.

“Well ma’am, the bad news is that your child is a ginger.”

Relieved that this ...

The colorblind test results came in,

turns out I'm indeed color blind, that totally came out of the purple.

These COVID test results are ridiculously priced

I keep paying through the nose for them

A man goes to the doctor to get his test results.

"I have good news and bad news," the doctor says.

"Give me the bad news first and be done with it."

So the doctor tells him that whatever they have found is terminal and incurable. To go say his goodbyes and write up a will.

"That is pretty terrible news," says the man, "what's...

A man gets his test results back from his doctor

Doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news, as we initially feared I regret to tell you that it’s terminal.

Man: Oh no, how long do I have left to live?

Doctor: Five.

Man: Five what!? Five years? Five months!? Five weeks!?

Doctor: Four.

After 3 years, the wife starts to think...

...that their child looks different, so she decides to do a DNA test.

She finds out that the child is actually from completely different parents.

Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you

Husband: What’s up?

Wife: According to DNA test results, this is not o...

Patient: "Doctor, have you got my test results?"

Doctor: "Yes, I have. Unfortunately, I you haven't got much time left."

Patient: "How long have I got left?"

Doctor: "10..."

Patient: "10 what? Months? Weeks?"

Doctor: "9,8,7,6,5....".

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A man is in the hospital wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth.

"Nurse" he mumbles. "Are my testicles black?"

The nurse lifts up his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other...she takes a close look and says "There's nothing wrong with them, sir."

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly "Thanks ...

Am I adopted?

Fred came home from University in tears.

"Mum, am I adopted?"

"No of course not", replied his mother. Why would you think such a thing?

Fred showed her his genealogy DNA test results. No match for any of his relatives, and strong matches for a family who lived the other side o...

Test results

Doctor: I'm afraid to say your test results look bad.

Patient: How bad?

Doctor: It depends. How old are you?

Patient: I'll be 24 in a couple of weeks.

Doctor: No you won't.

"Your wife's test results indicate she has either Alzheimer's or aids, however..."

"Your insurance only authorized the one test, so we really can't narrow it down more."
"What should I do Doc?"
"Leave her here and drive home alone. If she shows up do not sleep with her!"

A woman gets her husband's test results

"Well", the doctor says, "your husband could get very old, but you have to keep an eye on him. He must not get agitated, for the least worry could worsen his heart condition. He needs to have a strict diet that you'll have to prepare for him, and you have to make sure he exercises. Keep anything awa...

Woman gets test results for her husband from the doctor

Doctor: Well, ma'am, your husband can live a long and healthy life, but we have to observe a strict regimen for him, or he won't. First, no agitation. His heart doesn't take that well, so you have to speak quietly and softly to him, don't require him to make any hasty moves, don't wake him rudely an...

A man takes his wife to get tested for Coronavirus.

2 days later he gets a call from the lab.

Doctor: I'm sorry to inform you sir that your wife's test results have been mixed up with another patient's. We're not sure if she has COVID-19 or Alzheimer's disease.

Man: So what am I supposed to do now?!

Doctor: I'd recommend taking h...

A guy goes to the doctor to get his test results.

"So what's the prognosis, Doctor? Just tell me, I can take it."

"Ten," says the doctor.

"Ten years. Well, it could be worse."

The doctor shakes his head slowly.

"You mean - months? No? Weeks? Please, not just 10 days!"

"Nine," says the doctor.

Doctor: “the test results came back...”

“...and you’ve tested positive for opiates...”

Patient: “I ate a bagel this morning.”

Doctor: “...and meth, cocaine, marijuana, oh and you’re pregnant.”

Patient: “it was an everything bagel.”

I got my test results back. Turns out I was dangerously low on magnesium and potassium.

0MG 0K.

Doc: I have bad news about your test results

Doc: I have bad news about your test results

Me: oh man did I fail

Doc: not that kind of test

Me: so I passed?

Doc: no but you will in a week

Asked my eye doctor if he had my test results. He said there’s good news & bad news.

He said, “The good news is we’ve discovered why you’ve been so lethargic & slovenly lately…The bad news is we’ve discovered your lazy eye has spread to the rest of your body.”

A man goes to a doctor for a test result

The doctor comes back with the coronavirus test results and asks the patient whether they want to hear the good or bad news first.

The patient says: "First the bad, please."
The doctor says, "You have the coronavirus." "And what's the good news?" asks the patient.

Doctor: "I go...

The blood test results said I have type A blood

But apparently it was a type O

A guy goes to his doctor to ask for his Medical Test Results.

\-Are my result in, doctor? The wait is killing me.

\-Well... it's not the only thing killing you

A doctor is reading out tests results to an elderly patient.

- Sir, the two test results are in and I’m afraid I have bad news. First of all, you have phase 8 terminal metastasized cancer.
- Oh no.. damned, this is not good.. what else?
- You also have quite a severe case of Alzheimer.
- oh thank god for that! I thought you were going to tell me I h...

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A guy goes to the doctor for his test results...

The doc pulls out the patient’s file and says “I’ve got good news and bad news.”

The guy sighs and says, “Well, what’s the bad news?”

“You’ve been eating so much salami, pepperoni, corned beef, bacon, chorizo and prosciutto that you’ve developed a very rare fatal disease.”

“Wha...

My doctor called with my test results

"Just as you suspected, Mr. Johnson, you have hypochondria."

So the test results are in.

It's bad news guys, the doctor says I'm colour blind.



Ill be honest with you, that diagnosis came totally out of the pink.

What is the worst thing to say to a worrying friend who is waiting for Covid test results?

Be positive!

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A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

A pretty, young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

'Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask. 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'

He struggles to ask again,...

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Darth Vader takes a trip to the clinic after having unprotected sex. What did his test results come back positive for?

Sithilis

Man visits doctor to get test results. [Irish Humour]

Paddy is having a chat with his doctor about some recent tests that Paddy had.

The doctor turns to Paddy and says 'I've got good news and bad news.'

'Go on', said Paddy.

'The good news is you have 24 hours to live', the doctor said.

The doctor is now visibly sweating wh...

Harry went to his doctor on Thursday to review his test results. The Doctor told him that he has both good news and bad news.

"Good news is you have 48 hours to live," he said to Harry.

"Bad news is I should have told you on Tuesday.

A patient is in hospital and the doctor tells him 'we've had your test results back and I've bad news and very bad news' the patient replies 'Oh no, best tell me please?'

'The bad news is you have about 24 hours to live' says the Doctor 'The very bad news is I was supposed to tell you yesterday'

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A man calls his wife’s doctor trying to get her test results.

A man calls his wife’s doctor trying to get test results after her health started to decline.

Husband: “So doctor, what are the results?”

Doctor: “well, I got some paperwork mixed up. She’s either positive for AIDS, or she’s positive for Alzheimer’s”

The man is now very worrie...

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There was an American man who lived in Thailand and when he was there he had a lot of sex and never used a condom the entire time.

Then he returned to America and one morning he woke up and noticed bright green and purple dots on his penis

Freaked out, he went to the doctor. The doctor said "I have never seen anything like this before. We will need to run some tests." So they ran some tests and he said come back in 3 day...

I don't understand it. My company told all employees to get tested for COVID-19, and to stay home until they get the test results. I got tested and called my boss to tell him I'm coming back to work on Monday. He asked me if I'm sure my test came back negative.

I told him I was positive. He told me to stay home.

An old man goes to the doctor for his annual head-to-toe checkup.

The doctor comes in with a folder full of test results and says, “I’ve got two major concerns.” The old man says, “Ok doc, let’s hear it.” Doctor says, “Well, as you know we ran a full body MRI, and we discovered that most of your major organs are riddled with cancer.” “Oh no!” the old man exclaims....

So a GMO scientist, after a successful series of test results, turns to his lab mates to congratulate them and say

"You're the team of the crop"

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An old woman took her husband to the doctor. The doctor checked the husband's pulse, then told the woman, "I'm sorry, your husband is dead."

The woman was shocked. "I don't believe it. Are you sure? I want to be absolutely sure, are there any other tests you can do?"

The doctor responded, "I'm quite sure, but if you'd like we do have some alternative tests that we can perform."

"YES! I have to be absolutely certain."
...

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A man is talking to the doctor about his wifes test results....

The doc says "I'm afraid there has been a little mixup in the lab". "What do you mean?" the man says. "Well your wifes results were mixed up with another patients. But I'm afraid it's not good either way. Your wife either has Alzheimer's or AIDS". "Oh my god Doc, that is horrible, tell me what do I ...

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A nurse at the ICU noticed a patient trying to say something through his oxygen mask.

Nurse: Sorry, what was that again?

Patient: Are my testicles black?

Nurse : Excuse me?

Patient : Are my testicles black?

The nurse was quite young and beautiful,and was used to getting hit on by patients. But seeing the state the poor man was in, she decided to check ...

A new test was conducted to study how fat Americans are getting; the test results are as follows:

60% are deemed overweight

30% are deemed morbidly obese

10% ate the test

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A man calls his wife's doctor desperately seeking an update on her tests. "Doc, this is Mr. Alberston. Did you get the test results back on my wife?"

The doctor replies "Yes, we did. But we're a little unclear... she either has AIDS or Alzheimer's".

Mr. Alberston asks frantically "W..What do I do?"

Take her out for a drive. Drop her a few miles from the house. If she comes home, don't fuck her"

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Joke #3481 A man receives the bad news that he's going to die in the morning

Through an unfortunate miracle of medical science, a man receives the worst news possible from his doctor.

"I'm sorry, but tomorrow morning at precisely 7:23, you're going to have a brain clot that will kill you."

The man is stunned. "But I don't even feel sick!"

The doctor exp...

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An older gentleman goes with his wife to the doctor.

The doctor asks to see the man alone in the hallway.

Once they're alone the doctor says to the man, "There's been a mix-up in your wife's test results. It might take a few days to a week to clear up. What we do know, though, is that she either has AIDS or Alzheimer's."

The man cries ou...

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Having had seriously bad breath for most of his adult life, Larry finally goes to see a Doctor about it.

The Doctor examines Larry, takes samples of his saliva, tooth plaque and does a tongue swab. He asks Larry to return Tuesday for the test results.

Tuesday, Larry is sitting in the Doctor's office, hopeful for a cure.

"Larry", says the Doc, "Your breath could knock a buzzard off a shit...

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Black Testicles

An older man is in the hospital. A nurse walks in and he asks, "Are my testicles black?" The nurse, taken by surprise replies, "I'm sorry?" So he asks again "Are my testicles black?" Nurse shakes her head but decides to check for him, after all she is a nurse. She lifts his robe, takes his testicl...

Warning: Dark Humor Ahead "A cure?"

A man is sitting in his doctors office waiting for his test results:

Doc: Well, Jim. I'm sorry but your tests say that you have a rare disease and it's 100% fatal.

Jim: Isn't there ANYTHING we can do to stop it?

Doc: Uh, there is this spa down the road that has these special...

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Good News/ Bad News

A man walks into his doctor's office. The doc says "Have a seat." The man sits down and the doctor says " Well, I have good news and bad news. Which one would you like first?"
The man thinks for a second and says "I guess ill take the bad news first. Let's just get it over with."
The doctor re...

Husband eats dog food

A married lady goes to her doctor for her annual checkup and everything is good. In her conversation at the end of all the tests and examination with the doctor she expressed a concern about her husband.

"As you know I raise champion golden retrievers and one evening I was making thier foo...

An anti-vaxxer got a call from the Doctor.

The doctor said "Your test results are in and I'm afraid it's not good news."

"Nonsense," replied the anti-vaxxer. "I don't trust your pharmaceutical industry. My entire life I relied on homeopathic remedies instead of medication, and the only diagnosis I accept is based on my horoscope."
...

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The doctor says, "I have this great new machine that's coming in tomorrow. You give me a urine sample and the machine will diagnose exactly what's wrong with you. Bring me a sample tomorrow and we'll run it through."

Ron thinks this is a load of crap so he decides to play a trick on the doctor. He collects urine samples from his wife, his teenage daughter, his young son, and his dog, and finally, jerks off into the vial. He takes it to the doctor and can hardly contain his smirk when the doctor pours it in the m...

Doctor Joke

A fellow had been not feeling well for some time and finally his friends and family convinced him to go to his doctor. His doctor examined him and told him he wanted to run some tests to determine just what his problem was. After exhaustive testing the doctor told him that he would call him with the...

Your lab results are back. It's not good news.

Doctor: I have your test results.

Mr. Smith: Don't sugarcoat it, doc.

Doctor: You have alzheimer's disease and terminal cancer.

Mr. Smith: Well at least I don't have cancer.

They say there’s power in positivity...

...my grandmother’s covid test results say otherwise

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A man is laying in a hospital bed...

He has just taken a few tests, to find out what is wrong with him. He is feeling pretty awful, so he has an IV, and oxygen mask, etc. So the nurse walks in to see if the man needs anything.

“Would you like anything?” She says.

The man says, “Yes, are my testicles black?”

The n...

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