UPJOKE

Ten Commandment Jokes

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Why Moses was the one who received the Ten Commandments

God went to the Arabs and said,
'I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.'

The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?'

And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.'

'Can you give us an example?'

'Thou shall not kill.'

'Not kill?  We're not i...

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse:

You cannot post "Thou shalt not steal," "Thou shalt not commit adultery," and "Thou shalt not lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

The preacher's sermon was about the ten commandments.



When he got to "thou shalt not steal", he noticed that Scott was looking all around him, but when he got to "thou shalt not commit adultery", Scott started smiling.

After the service the preacher asked Scott what he was thinking during the sermon. Scott said, "When you talked about s...

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Ten Commandments

God sends his angel to Earth to deliver his Commandments to the people. First the angel visited the Germans: "God has sent me to deliver his commandments", says the angel. "Give us an example", say the Germans "Thou shall not covet your neighbours land" "Begone!!!", say the Germans
Next the angel...

Someone told my that I break the Ten Commandments every single day. I proved them wrong!

You can only break the 4th Commandment once a week.

Moses is walking down the mountain with the ten commandments...

... as he looks over them he thinks this is just too much to ask a society to do all at once. He has a plan! Just go around the world and give out one commandment at a time.

So he travels to France. "Hello people of France, I want to give you a commandment from God." The French say "Okay we'r...

I disobeyed each of the ten commandments.

Except 'You shalt not lie.'

Said Moses after smashing the Ten Commandments:

“It’s okay, I have a backup in the cloud.”

A man who lost his hat decided the easiest way to replace it was to steal it.

So he goes to the local church in search of a hat. A sermon about the ten commandments was going on as he made his way to the cloakroom. He stopped, thought for a moment, and changed his mind.

Upon seeing the pastor, the man walks up to him and says, "Father, I must say, your sermon saved me ...

Earliest-known Ten Commandments tablet sells at auction for $850000

Bumping Apple off the top spot for most expensive mobile device without a headphone jack.

Indiana Jones: "I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments."

Rick from Pawn Stars: "Best I can do is 25 bucks."

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It's 1956 and iconic film director Cecil B. DeMille isgetting ready to shoot the most expensive scene ever filmed: the parting of the Red Sea in his movie "The Ten Commandments."

The scene required 2200 extras and 800 animals and could be shot only once. So DeMille arranged for one not, not two, not even three cameras but four camera/cameraman set-ups surrounding the scene.

Everything's in place. DeMille shouts, "Cameras! Action!" and the scene unfolds. The moment it...

Forgetful preacher...

A Baptist preacher and a Methodist preacher lived in a small town.

Being quite young ministers, they rode their bicycles to the town’s only service station every Sunday morning to eat breakfast and discuss their sermons before riding off to preach to their respective congregations.

On...

If you hear a supernatural voice in your head telling you to destroy statues of the Ten Commandments, you might be mentally ill.

But if the voice tells you to create them instead, you might be Moses.

Important Lesson

A Sunday School teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honor thy Father and thy Mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat, one lit...

A pastor discovered his bicycle had been stolen

He decided to use it as inspiration for that week’s sermon, and began writing on the Ten Commandments, especially “thou shalt not steal”


Then he got to “thou shalt not commit adultery” and remembered where he left his bike.

*The Hat*

A man loses his hat, so he goes to church to steal one off of the hat rack. When he gets there, the priest was giving his sermon on the Ten Commandments.

Something in the sermon gives the man a flash of insight and, after mass, the man goes to confession to tell the priest what he was going t...

An Irish joke from Murphy (Best read drunk)

Kelly showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell over with joy. Kelly hadn’t been to church in years.

Enthused with Kelly’s presence, Father delivered an impassioned sermon on the Ten Commandments.
After Mass, skirts flying, Father caught up with Kelly at the church door. “Ke...

The priest's missing bicycle

A smalltown priest went to the mayor, complaining:

\- Someone stole my bicycle!

The wise mayor responded:

\- Fear not! There is an easy way to find it. All you need to do is to read the ten commandment in front of the whole congregation next Sunday. When you reach "Thou shalt no...

A small village's pastor's bicycle was stolen

And he was discussing what to do with the choir master.

"I know, I'll do a sermon on the ten commandments, and when I get to 'thou shalt not steal', I'll pause and look everybody in the eye to see who looks guilty".

After church, the choir master asked the vicar if he'd worked out who ...

The bicycle [long]

Two priests were talking, when one of them tells the other that his brand new bicycle has been stolen. He says that it must have been a member of his congregation, as he last saw it at the church.

The other priest says, "This Sunday, during Service, have your congregation recite the Ten Comma...

I lost my favorite hat and I decided to go to church to snag my buddy’s who has the exact same one

I figured he’d never suspect me…

The priest came over after the service and asked how I liked his sermon..

I said I have to be honest…

I just came today specifically to take my buddy’s hat…

So the priest said, you must have heard me talk about the Ten Commandments, espec...

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Two Catholic Priests...

Two Catholic Priests live on the opposite sides of town, and pass each other on their bikes on the way to Sunday Mass. One day, one of the priests was walking. So the other priest stopped.
"Father, where is your bike at?" "Well, I think it was stolen, and I don't know what to do."
The one prie...

A young priest was dismayed to find his bicycle was stolen....

He told the pastor about the theft, and asked what he could do to get the bicycle back.

The pastor said, "Your sermon on Sunday is about the Ten Commandments. What you should do is emphasize 'Thou Shalt Not Steal.' Really bring the point home. Perhaps the thief will have an attack of consc...

Farmer lost his hat

A farmer wakes up Sunday morning and can't find his hat. It had been brutally hot lately, so he knew he couldn't work his fields without one. It was also a holiday weekend, so the hat shop in town wouldn't open until Tuesday morning.

Not wanting to lose those days of work, the farmer decided ...

“Where’s your bicycle, Father?"

... I asked the parish priest. It was the first time I had seen him walking in years!

“Don’t know, I think it might have been stolen, but I'll know for sure on Sunday” he replied. “At my next sermon I will go through the Ten Commandments. When I get to ‘thou shalt not steal’ I'll be watching...

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A priest is nervous about conducting his first church service...

...he gives it his best effort and does horribly. Feeling dejected he returns to his quarters where he finds an anonymous note, it reads: "Next Sunday, take some of the port and sip it whilst carrying out the service, it will calm your nerves."

The priest thinks this is great advice and sets ...

the case for the lost bicycle

A Methodist preacher and a Baptist preacher live in a small southern town. Every day, they pass each other on their bycycles as they ride to their respective churches. One day, the Methodist notices the Baptist walking.

He says "Brother, where is your bicycle?"

"My heart is heavy, for ...

I Lost My Hat

One Sunday before a church service, a priest notices a man sitting in a pew who he has not seen in years.

The priest approaches and says, "Wow! I can't remember the last time I saw you here! What brings you here today?"

The man replies, "Good morning, father! Well you see, ten years ag...

A man walks into a church....

before the service is due to start and says to the priest "Father, I wonder if you can help? I left my umbrella here last week and now I can't find it."

"Are you sure you left it here? I haven't seen any umbrellas left in the pews."

"Yes I'm certain Father."

"Well I don't want t...

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The New Priest

The new priest, at his first mass, was so afraid he could hardly speak. Before his next service, he asked the Monsignor how he could relax. "Next week", said the Monsignor, "it may help if you add some gin to the water pitcher. After a few sips everything should go smoothly."

That Sunday the ...

Jesus said 'Love they neighbour'...

but one of the ten commandments is 'thou shalt not sleep with thy neighbour's wife', so this puts me in a bit of a predicament.

I don't understand...

...how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and yet my wife can have 152 just for our house.

The preacher arrived at church...

...muttering angrily under his breath.

"Goodness, what's wrong?" asked his secretary when he came into the office.

"It's raining like crazy out there," said the preacher, "and I can't find my umbrella! I had it here at the church last week, and I think one of the congregation must hav...

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(Long) An Irish priest is in a bar the night before mass....

with his buddy, Patrick. The priest tells Patrick, "Me bicycle got stolen today, and bein this is such a small town, I don't wanna call the police and get someone in all kinds a trouble, but I need me bike back."

Patrick tells the priest that tomorrow during mass, since the entire town would ...

the cure for stealing

There is a pastor in a small town who is displeased to discover that someone has stolen his bicycle. It is a small town so he does not own a car and uses his bike to get everywhere. But more upsetting is the fact that he knows everyone in town, since they are all members of his congregation, and he ...

A rabbi woke up one morning and couldn't find his bike.

After looking everywhere for it, he concluded that one of his parishioners stole it. He goes to the priest and explains his problem.
The priest says, "Why don't you gather all your men at your synagogue and read The Ten Commandments aloud. As soon as you get to "Thou shalt not steal" look everyb...

Two vicars are talking on the street

"my bicycle was stolen from outside the church"

"have you thought about the police?

"I don't think the police would do a thing like that.. I'm joking, it was probably one of the churchgoers"

"I have an idea. In your next sermon, read out the ten commandments. when you get to, 't...

Every Monday afternoon, a Catholic priest and an Anglican vicar meet up at the local pub for a drink and a chat.

One day, the vicar doesn't show up, but he DOES show up the next week. The priest asks him why he stood him up.

"You won't believe this, but someone stole my bicycle! I had to borrow a friend's."
"You might be able to find your old one, but how?" the priest wondered. After a minute of t...

Old Redd Foxx Joke

There were these two preachers in a town who would ride their bikes to church on Sunday and would pass each other on the way. One Sunday, one of the preachers was on foot. The other preacher asked him what happened to his bicycle.

"I'm so mad!" he said. "Someone in my congregation stole my bi...

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A priest was assigned to a new church

He was really stressed out during his first mass; he could barely speak to the people. Before his second mass, he visited his superior and asked him how to suppress his nervousness. His superior told him to add some vodka into his water and after a few sips, he'd immediatly feel more relaxed.
...

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An elderly religious woman receives an 80 year old parrot as a gift but it has the worst language.

It goes through every possible cuss word every day and night. She talks to a friend that tells her about a bird whisperer. She meets with him and he tells her to leave the parrot with him for one week.
When he brings the bird back she notices a string tied to each leg and asks about them. The ma...

The priest was walking down the street looking sad.

“What happened?” asked a parishioner.
“I am afraid someone from the parish stole my umbrella.”
“Here’s what you do. Next sermon talk about the Ten Commandments and look around when you quote ‘Thou shall not steal’ and see who bows his head in shame.”

Next week the priest walks happi...

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The Bicycle: "A teaching moment"

A Priest was about to finish his ten-year tour of missionary duty and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives about the Bible and Christian values, in their own language, when he realizes that the one thing he never really taught them was how to speak Engl...

An upset man goes to see his Rabbi

"Rabbi, last week someone stole my bike from synagogue!" he says. The Rabbi is deeply upset by this, but offers a solution: "Next week, come to services, sit in the front row, and when we recite the Ten Commandments, turn around and look at the people behind you. And when we get to 'Thou shalt not s...

Little Johnny is at Sunday school

and his teacher asks him "If I went to Church every week, and tried to live my life following the ten commandments, would I get into heaven?"

"No!" answers little Johnny

"If I sold my house, my car, and all of my other possessions, and gave all the money to the church, would I get into...

Truth Assessing Robot

A father gave his son a robot. "The robot is always able to tell if you're speaking the truth. If you lie, the robot will slap you."

One night the son comes home really late. The dad asks, "Where were you?"

"At the library." Bam! The son gets slapped.

"Where were you really?"...

A man was walking home one Sunday morning.

A man was walking home one Sunday morning. He had forgotten his hat, so when it started to rain, he ducked into a church. There were many hats and coats in the entryway and he was about to steal one of the hats when part of the sermon caught his attention and he decided not to.

The sermon end...

Rabbi in a restaurant...

There once was a rabbi who had been a rabbi for many years and, all his life, he'd tried to be a good Jew. He obeyed the ten commandments, he read the Torah frequently and he kept kosher– but, secretly, he'd always wanted to try pork.


Everybody made so much fuss about pork and bacon and h...

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