UPJOKE

Tell The Truth Jokes

A child asked his father "Dad, do politicians ever tell the truth?"

The father answered, "Only when they call each other liars."

What do you call a blueberry that doesn't tell the truth?

A Library

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Why does the ashtray tell the truth everytime someone uses it to put out a cigar?

It likes big butts and it cannot lie

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A man is walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows. “Twenty bucks,” she says...

He’s never been with a prostitute before, so excitedly he says, what the hell

They are going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them—it’s a policeman.

“What’s going on here, people?” asks the officer.

“I’m making love to my wife,” the man answers indign...

My dad used to tell me, "son, you gotta stand up and tell the truth", but instead I sat down and told a lie.

It wasn't that I didn't want to tell the truth, I just preferred de seat.

A man is walking by a brothel..

One day a man is walking by a brothel, never having been inside, and decides to hey, why the hell not

as he enters he is met with two doors, one has a plaque that says "first time" and the other "regular"

being honest he walks through the "first time" door

there he is presented ...

Why did the lead acid battery have to tell the truth?

Because if it didn't it would be Li-ion.

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My parents told me to always tell the truth.

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was and I said "Fried Chicken."

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have ben right, because everyone else laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Friend chicken is my favorite animal. I told my Dad what happened, and he ...

Today I taught my son a valuable life lesson by eating his homework.

Tomorrow he will learn that many people will not believe you, even when you tell the truth.

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The difference between cheating on your wife and cheating on your taxes is if you tell the truth

The IRS still wants to fuck you.

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Wrong queue !

This girl was a prostitute, but her "granny" didn't know about it. One day, the police rounded up a group of pro's and the girl was caught. The cops had them lined up against a wall of the street where they were caught soliciting. Just then the grandmother walked by and saw her granddaughter.
Sh...

A politician goes on trial

Before he goes to the stand, his lawyer tells him, "remember, if you get asked a question you don't know how to answer, plead the fifth."

The bailiff asks "Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?"

The politician pauses for a moment a...

Objection

"You seem to be in some distress," said the kindly judge to the witness. "Is anything the matter?"Well, your honor," said the witness, "I swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but every time I try, some lawyer objects."

What is the difference between Washington, Nixon and Trump?

George Washington couldn’t tell a lie.

Richard Nixon couldn’t tell the truth.

Donald Trump can’t tell the difference

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And I said "One man's trash is another man's treasure"

Then I realized it was a shitty way to tell the truth to my adopted son...

What did Raggedy Ann say

to Pinnochio?

Tell the truth. Tell a lie. Tell the truth. Tell a lie. Tell the truth. Tell a lie. Tell the truth. Tell a lie. Tell the truth. Tell a lie. Tell the truth. Tell a lie.

A very elderly couple...

A very elderly couple is having their 75th wedding anniversary. The man said to his wife "Dear there is something that i must ask you. It has always bothered me that our 10th child has never looked quite like the rest. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experie...

Oldy repurposed

Trump was feeling the pressure of the office and stood before the protraits of our greatest leaders.
Looking at Washington, the Donald said:
"George, you were the first. Can you give me some advise?"
A ghostly voice replied
"Tell the truth"
Trump knew that wouldn't work, so next went ...

Long marriage

Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, That is really nice. After all these years that you have been married, you...

I was asked at my last job interview if I was a natural born citizen?

I had to tell the truth: "Nope. Cesarean!

A man was brought to the police station to describe the suspect for a police sketch but is hesitant because the perpetrator was actually him.

His conscience urges him to tell the truth. It might as well be his self-defining moment.

As the result of an accident, a man lost teeth and had to have a partial plate made.

His dentist built a standard dental plate and fitted it into his mouth and it worked just fine.

In three months, the man was back at his dentist. The dentist looked in his mouth, and the plate he had just put in was so deteriorated it was beyond repair.

The dentist was shocked that it ...

Three friends die and go to heaven...

and meet God at the gate. God tells them that he will give them cars to drive into heaven, but first they have to tell him how many times they cheated on their wives, and they shouldn't bother lying because he has a big record book of every person's actions.

God turns to the first man and ask...

Another Irish Joke

All these Irish jokes reminded me of one of my favorites:

A Catholic foreigner is walking down a street at night in Ireland when a man grabs him and holds a knife to his neck. The assailant yells,

"Are ye Protestant er Catholic?"

Terrified, the man thinks to himself, *if lie and...

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Four men got together to play golf one sunny morning.

As they were heading out to the course, one of them was detained by a phone call.

The other three were discussing their children while walking to the first tee.

"My son," said one proudly, "has made quite a name for himself in the home building industry. He began as a carpenter, but n...

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A man is interviewing for a job.

“What’s your biggest weakness?” the interviewer asks.

“Well, I have to tell the truth about everything,” the man responds.

“That doesn’t sound like a weakness at all,” the interviewer says.

“I don’t give a fuck what you think,” the man immediately responds.

The members of the newly-formed Justice League were introducing themselves to each other.

S: “I’m Superman; I can fly, move at super speed, and have super strength.”

B: “I’m Batman; I’m the world’s greatest detective, master of many martial arts, and have gadgets that can do almost anything.”

GL: “I’m Green Lantern; my emerald bling can create constructs of anything I can i...

Mr. Marcus was briefing his client, who was about to testify in his own defense.

"You must swear to tell the complete truth. Do you understand?" The client replied that he did. The lawyer then asked, "Do you know what will happen if you don't tell the truth?" The client looked back and said, "I imagine that our side will win."

The Magic Mirror

This is a rumour that a magic mirror resides in New York City. Anyone who can tell the truth in front of it is granted 3 wishes of their choosing. Anyone who tells a lie is exploded.

3 girls, a blonde, a redhead and a brunette find the mirror and try to claim their wishes.

"I think I'm...

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Two hillbillies from Alabama are sitting at a bar

There are three young, beautiful women sitting at a table near them. Suddenly, one of the woman stands up and starts choking on her food. Thinking quickly, one of the hillbillies runs over, pulls down her skirt, and gives her a lick on the right buttcheek. The woman is so shocked she coughs up the f...

A man was consulting his psychiatrist.

Among other questions, the doctor asked.

"Are you troubled by improper thoughts?"

"Why no!" answered the patient.

"To tell the truth doctor, I rather enjoy them!"

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