UPJOKE

Tell A Jokes

Tell a man a joke, he will laugh for a day

Tell a Redditor a joke, he will repost it for a lifetime

Edit: Thank you kind Redditor for the Gold

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A teacher tells her student to tell a story with a moral in it.

Little Johnny says, "All right. I got one. There's a horse and chicken playing in the meadow and the horse falls into the quicksand. He says 'Hurry up! Go get the farmer! Get me out of here!' The chicken runs back to the farm, but the farmer is nowhere to be seen."

"Oh my," the teacher gasps ...

I was gonna tell a joke about time traveling

But you guys didn't like it

How can you tell a girl ghost from a boy ghost?

Boooooooobs!



You’re welcome.

Happy Halloween everybody!

How can you tell a chemist from a plumber without seeing them?

Ask them to pronounce "unionized."

You can tell a lot about a woman from her ankles.

If they are on your shoulders, she probably likes you.

Tell a woman she's beautiful a hundred times and she won't believe you.

Tell a woman she's fat once and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.

[Serious] Just a reminder to be careful when telling jokes that may be offensive.

A few days ago I was talking to some friends, and friends of those friends, at a bar.


I decided to break the ice with the new friends with a few jokes, most of which went down very well...until I decided to tell a few more offensive ones...and picked the worst possible one to start with...

How many Alzheimer’s patients does it take to tell a joke?

How many Alzheimer’s patients does it take to tell a joke?

I was going to tell a joke about fencing

But then I realised it might just be a riposte

I cannot tell a lie.

A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland. She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked: "Excuse me Father, could I ask a favour?"

"Of course my child, What can I do for you?"

"Here is the problem, I bought myself a new sophisticated hair remov...

In US Presidential History: Washington could not tell a lie, Nixon could not tell a truth...

and Trump can not tell the difference

A man buys a robot that slaps people when they tell a lie.

He decides to test it on his family at dinner that night.

The man asked his son, "Son, what did you do after school today?"

The son replied, "Oh, I just did some homework" and the robot slapped the son.

The son said, "Okay I actually watched a movie with my friends".

The ...

A teacher tells the students to each tell a true story that has a moral that they learned from one of their parents...

The teacher calls up a little girl, and she tells her story, "My dad is raises chickens for their eggs. One day he collected the eggs from his hens and put them all into a big basket. Then he put the basket into the back of his truck but as he was driving to market he hit a big bump in the road, whi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Whenever I tell a girl I’ve never been blown to orgasm, they often want to suck my dick just to prove me wrong.

Unfortunately they never succeed.

I wanted to tell a joke about Jonestown

But the punch line is too long.

How do you tell a blonde from a brunette in the dark.

Just call out "can you hear me?" and listen for the reply "no, its too dark in here!"

You'll never hear a Hindu tell a Yo Mamma joke...

They consider cows to be sacred.

Granddad could tell a tale

He used to say that as a boy he had the strongest arm in the county. He said he could throw a stick so hard that it would take his dog an hour to retrieve it.


To me that always seemed far-fetched.

How do you tell a dad joke from a bad joke?

Trust me, the difference is apparent.

I really want to tell a joke about cash machines

But I don't have one atm

How many Redditors does it take to tell a joke?

Two. One to post it and another to create a better punchline in the comments.

Is it mean to tell a knock knock joke to a

Jehovah's Witness?

I tried to tell a homeless person a knock knock joke...

Punch line unnecessary.

Why is it so hard for a communist to tell a joke?

It’s not funny until everyone gets it.

Why should you never tell a chemistry joke?

Because you won’t get a reaction.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How can you tell a mechanic just had sex?

Two of his fingers are clean.

I was gonna tell a joke about Sodium…

but I thought Na, people wouldn’t get it.

I'd tell a penguin joke but

It wouldn't fly

How does a Gen Z-er tell a joke?

Idk bc fml lmao

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