UPJOKE

Teenage Daughter Jokes

A redneck, his wife and teenage daughter walk into a restaurant.

The waitress asks, "Table for two?".

My teenage daughter is really acting odd..

She can’t even

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Three men were talking about their teenage daughters: The first says "I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day and found a packet of cigarettes. I didn't even know she smoked". The second says "That's nothing.

I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I came across a full bottle of Vodka.
I was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank".
Then the third speaks up.
"Both of you have got nothing to worry about.
I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day and I found a packet o...

I’m worried my teenage daughter and her friends are planning to start an escort service.

At least they chose a clever name. For the past few weeks they’ve been texting non-stop about Ho Co.

A mother takes her teenage daughter to her gynecologist appointment

The doctor performs a routine test and discovers the teen is pregnant. Her mother's face turns beet red. If smoke could escape her ears, it would fill the room.

The daughter pleads, "Mother, the doctor must be wrong, I've never even kissed a boy!!"

Upon hearing this, the doctor get up ...

Just been chatting to my neighbour's teenage daughter and it turns out she's really into UFOs and aliens.

Which is cool because tomorrow she's getting abducted.

There once was a farmer whose five quintuplet teenage daughters were going on dates at the same time.

"As soon as your dates arrive," said the farmer, "I will talk to them personally. If I don't like them, I will shoot them."

Just then, a knock was heard at the door. The farmer answered the door, shotgun in hand. "Who is this?"

"My name's Teddy," said the boy. "I'm going steady with Be...

My teenage daughter can't decide whether she wants to be a hairdresser or a short story writer...

I guess she'll have to flip a coin....

Heads or Tales.

Mother and daughter go to a store to buy clothes...

**The mother tries on a dress and asks her teenage daughter:**

**Mother: Does this dress look good on me?**

**Daughter: Mom, you promise that no matter what I say you won't be mad?**

**Mother: I promise.**

**Daughter: I'm pregnant.**

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Father is upset his teenage daughter is pregnant…

He tries to be understanding and asked when it happened.

She says to her father, “Remember when I asked if my boyfriend could go on vacation with us!”

Her father says, “Yes, I remember that talk.”

The pregnant teen replies with, “You said ‘Fuck him!’ and I did.”

A middle aged guy and his teenage daughter were riding a motor bike.

While taking a shortcut through a dark part of the park when they were stopped by a gang of muggers.

They searched them and took the guy’s wallet, his watch and even the Motorbike, but couldn’t find any jewellery from the girl.

When the muggers had gone, the father asked his daughter, ...

To teenage daughter:

“Learn from my mistakes. Use birth control.”

I finally sat down with my teenage daughter and had a chat about "The Birds and the Bees."

I learned a lot.

I put my teenage daughter's joke on Reddit for her and got 34 likes!

And that was just during her telling it to me.

What does Verizon have in common with my teenage daughter?

I go from not hearing from them at all to 5 times a day when they want money.

When the teenage daughter has been knocked up.

A teenage girl goes to her mother and tells her that she is pregnant. The mother is outraged by this news.

"Who is this scumbag who has done this to you? I demand to know who it is!"

The girl calls the father-to-be. 30 minutes later, a fancy limousine parks next to the house and a dis...

Having an undead teenage daughter is such a chore

All the time she rolls her eyes at me.

I have to keep picking them up and giving them back to her.

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A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are all friends

Naturally, their mothers are blonde, brunette, and redheaded as well, and the ladies are chatting while their teenage daughters are hanging out in the other room.

The brunette says with a devilish grin, "Hey, let's look through the girls' purses and see what they're hiding from us." She...

If bigfoot had a teenage daughter would she be classified as a...

Sass-quatch?

Morris says to his teenage daughter "There are two words I'd like you to drop from your vocabulary. One is "awesome" and the other is "gross."

"OK" she replies, "what are they?"

One day, Pete complained to his friend, “My head really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor.”

His friend said, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply tell it the problem, put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose it and tell you what you can do about the issue you’re having. It only costs $...

Why was the CEO of Subway distraught when his teenage daughter walked around with a brand new pearl necklace?

She went to Jared's

Blonde Moments: Life with a Blonde Teenage Daughter

SCENE: My teenage daughter and me in the car.

Lauren: Dad, do you know what the most commonly used letter in a girl’s name is?

Me: Hmm, is it a consonant or a vowel? (Silence.) Please tell me you know what consonants and vowels are.

Lauren: You’re no fun, Dad. Forget it.

...

My teenage daughter asked me why..

Women get uglier as they grow older, yet blokes become more handsome?
“Simple” I replied “God’s a Man”.

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Englishman Irishman and Scotsman are sitting in a cafe discussing their teenage daughters

The Englishman turns to the group and says I'm so disappointed by my daughter I went in her room the other day and noticed a pack of cigarettes I had no idea she was smoking.
The scotsman turns and says that's not as bad as mine I found a bottle of whiskey hidden in her room I cant believe she's ...

After 18 years of raising our teenage daughter as a proud Republican she has decided that she wants to become a Communist.

Well if that's the way she wants to be, then Soviet.

(Apologies if this has been posted before, I either thought of it or remembered it this morning on the toilet.)

My teenage daughter has been trying to straighten a picture on her bedroom wall for the past hour.

She literally can’t even.

I told my friend my original movie concept: An ex-Secret Service agent's teenage daughter is abducted by human traffickers while on a trip to Paris.

He said "Sorry mate, I think that idea's taken"

A father says to his blonde, teenage daughter one day "honey I thought I asked you to wash the car like 10 times today"...

She replies "I swear I was going to, but I called a hundred different places and nobody has this Elbow Grease that you told me to use !!"

A mother called the doctor about her teenage daughter. "She refuses to eat anything but yeast and car wax. Now she's lying in bed asleep and I can't wake her. What should I do?" "There's nothing to worry about." said the doctor,

"she'll rise and shine soon enough..."

A woman went to a pet shop..

..and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot..

There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said,
"Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution
an...

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The doctor says, "I have this great new machine that's coming in tomorrow. You give me a urine sample and the machine will diagnose exactly what's wrong with you. Bring me a sample tomorrow and we'll run it through."

Ron thinks this is a load of crap so he decides to play a trick on the doctor. He collects urine samples from his wife, his teenage daughter, his young son, and his dog, and finally, jerks off into the vial. He takes it to the doctor and can hardly contain his smirk when the doctor pours it in the m...

A woman was trying on her new fur coat.

Her teenage daughter walked up to her and said.

"Mother, do you realize that this coat is the result of the suffering of a poor, defenseless animal?"

The woman looked strictly at her daughter.

"Young lady, don't you dare talk about your father like that."

Anniversary

On their 25th anniversary, a husband took his wife out to dinner.

Their teenage daughters said they'd have dessert waiting for them when they returned.

After they got home, they saw that the dining room table was beautifully set with china, crystal and candles, and there was a note t...

This is probably the worst joke that I -a dad - ever told. But it still made my daughter laugh.

My wife, teenage daughter and I are sitting in a restaurant discussing Italian cuisine.

Wife: There's nothing better than fresh gnocchi.

Me: There's nothing better than getting fresh and gnocching someone up.

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- Daddy, what is the difference between potential and reality?

One day during the family lunch the youngest son Paul asks his father:
- Daddy, what is the difference between potential and reality?

Daddy turns to his wife and gives her a question:
- Would you sleep with George Clooney for 1 million $?
- Certainly, I would never waste such opport...

Greatest truck driver in the world - mild nsfw

Frank was the greatest truck driver in the world, he could take that truck places that shouldn't be possible.

One night Frank, who had been driving for a solid shift, found himself on an unfamiliar stretch of road. It had been a wet day and the fog was rolling in, making it impossible to see ...

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Cheap parrot

A woman decides she wants to buy a pet so she heads down to the local pet store. After a bit of browsing, she fixes her attention on a lovely talking parrot on sale for only $10. The clerk tells her the parrot's going cheap because it used to live in a house of ill repute so it may not be the most f...

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My son youngest grade son recently learned "Dick" is a nickname for someone named Richard...

... and was super excited about while telling the family at dinner.

Our teenage daughter casually implores, *"How do you get Dick from Richard?"*



Suffice it say, my wife wasn't too impressed when I responded, *"You ask him nicely."*

In my birthday suit

A mum comes home to find her teenage daughter naked on the couch.
"Be decent dear; go put on something to cover your nakedness", says the mum.
"I'm not naked, I'm in my birthday suit", says the daughter.
A few days later, the dad comes home to find his middle-aged wife naked on the couch.<...

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A joke from my teenage years

A mother and her teenage daughter are in the living room.

M: "Really?! After all this years raising you and this is how you ended up?! I told you so many times when he touches your boobs you say, 'Don't'. When he touches your monds you say, 'Stop'. Now, why are you pregnant?

D: "He tou...

Alabama robo-call: Please get out to vote...

...and if you have teenage daughters, leave your porch light on.

There was a middle-aged couple...

who had two stunningly beautiful blonde teenage daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and, sure enough, nine months later, delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to s...

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Prime Ministers Day

I was eating breakfast with my teenage daughter and I asked her,

"What special day is it in Canada tomorrow?" .

Without skipping a beat she said, "It's Prime Minister's Day!" .

She's smart, so I asked her "What does Prime Minister's Day mean?" .

I was waiting for somethin...

A woman walks into a pet store and sees a handsome bright red parrot.

She asks the cashier how much the parrot is. The cashier says, “I’ll sell it, but I should warn you, it was donated by a brothel, so it might have picked up some colorful language.”



The woman says, “Oh, that’s okay.” She buys the parrot and takes it home.



When she takes...

How contagious?

A middle aged father was in the bathroom one morning shaving before work, when his teenage daughter passed by the doorway, she came back a moment later and asked her father " dad I've got a very serious question for you" "ok" he replies go ahead, she then sheepishly asks, " um how contagious is herp...

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Scouser walks into the jobcentre and informs the woman behind the desk that he is looking for a job.

Woman: Perfect timing. Just had this one come in. Its the minder to a billionaires nymphomaniac teenage daughter. No experience necessary. £100k pa and a Bentley as a company car

Scouse: You've got to be fucking kidding me!

Wamn: Well you started it.

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Tennis Elbow

A guy walks into a doctor's office. When the doctor walks in, the guy says, "Doc, I threw my arm out playing tennis. I just need a shot of cortisone."

"No problem," says the doctor, "but first, I need to take a urine sample."

"Why on Earth for?"

"Well," the doctor explains, "We ...

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The Doctor is Always Right

A man wakes up feeling sick, so he goes to an urgent care center.  The doctor asks what his symptoms are, and he tells her, "I'm not sure - I'm just not right."

The doctor immediately replies, "I need a urine specimen."

The man is taken aback.  "Why do you need a urine sample?  You hav...

A winery is looking for a taster and so the vintner puts an ad out in the paper.

The next day, a man arrives at the office. He has greasy hair and a five o'clock shadow, he's wearing a filthy jacket and torn jeans, he obviously hasn't had a shower since Christ was crucified, and he smells strongly of stale tobacco smoke and cheap beer. The vintner sees the man's obviously a ho...

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