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Surg Jokes

I predict a surge in the popularity of small citrus fruit later in the year.

Kumquat May.

Her body tensed and quivered as wave after wave of pure energy surged through it…

I probably should’ve told her about the new electric fence…

There was once a man who loved to play golf.

He played every day, rain or shine, and was obsessed with getting better. One day, he heard about a mystical golf course deep in the forest that was said to be enchanted. Legend had it that if you played a round there, you would magically improve your golf game by ten strokes.

The man was ske...

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A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown.

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.

...

The ‘surge’ in Texas

You don’t want to end up hospitalized with COVID in Texas relying on a ventilator.

You never know when the power might go out.

What will they call the inevitable surge of babies from quarantine in 9 months time?

Coronitas.

A dangerous surge of electricity walks into a bar.

The barman says "why the long phase?"

What do naughty kids and surge protectors have in common?

You'd be shocked if they weren't grounded.

Sales Surge

Wire hangers break the glass ceiling in sales today at ALABAMA Kmarts.

Did you hear about the guy who bought a surge protector for his balls?

He wanted to protect the family Joules

Crossing

The traffic light wasn't working on the corner of Broadway and 72nd Street, so the blonde stood with a large crowd of people waiting to cross, while a cop directed traffic.

Finally, the cop blew his whistle, motioned to the crowd, and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians!" The throng surged across B...

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With the surge in popularity of Country Music artists that have included rap in their songs, like Jason Aldean and Sam Hunt, this years CMA's will include a new category. As it is a hybrid style of genres, Rap and Country, the producers have settled on a fitting name for the award.

CRAP.

A woman decides to surprise her husband with a brand new luxury wardrobe...

While he's at work she goes to IKEA and finds a beautiful wardrobe, buys it, and returns home. Reading the instructions, she easily assembles the marvelous piece of furniture

Then, as she stood satisfied about her work, a bus passed by the window and the whole wardrobe fell apart. Stunned, ...

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There's been a surge in public sex lately.

These people are fucking everywhere.

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An Arab has a rendezvous with a British soldier, and they plan to trek across the desert to a secret military base.

"Come on my friend," says the Arab, "We must trek across the desert. The food here is the poorest in the world, so we must make haste. Would you like one of my camels?"

"No I don't want a camel." says the Brit. He starts walking.

Confused, the Arab knows it's a long trip to where they ...

An accordion player is getting sleepy at the wheel of his '93 Geo Metro hatchback, on his way home from playing at a bar mitzvah. His accordion lays on the passenger seat next to him...

... The accordion player decides to pull over at a small pub with a sign reading "$1 Beer Night." He takes some change out of his car's cup holder -- enough for a couple $1 beers.

Inside, he stacks his change on the bar (mostly nickels and pennies) and pretends not to notice the bartender's e...

Fitting joke for Hurricane Harvey

This is a Joke my Dad (who is Catholic) once told me when I was young. With Hurricane Harvey currently outside my window, I was reminded of it. Maybe it will give some humor to those currently in worse off areas than I.


A woman lives on the Texas coastline. Her town orders her to evacua...

Announcing the new Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge device, otherwise known as the BOOK.

It's a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It's so easy to use even a child can operate it. Just lift its cover. Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere -- even sitting in an armchair by the fire -- yet...

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The wrestling match was about to begin...

...and the Contender's coach was once again lecturing the Contender.

"If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times-don't let the Champion get you in The Pretzel! No one has ever been able to get out of The Pretzel!"

The Contender nodded his head, getting ready for the match. ...

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Hospital inspection

A major donor (think having a wing named after him) came to a hospital of which he was a benefactor to see where his money was going. It was up to a Charge Nurse to give him a tour of the med/surg floor.

They are walking down a hallway when the donor looks in and sees a patient in bed furious...

A devout Christian man living in New Orleans refuses to leave his home after hearing news of an imminent hurricane and flood.

A richly devout Christian man lives alone in New Orleans. He keeps to himself mostly, isolating himself in prayer and self-reflection with little care for the outside world.


One day, the man notices it growing dark outside earlier than normal. He steps outside and feels the wind has pick...

Corona Virus defeated

Breaking news from China :” No death cases of corona virus reported in China for 3 days and only 5 new infections, all communist part officials”

In totally unrelated news ;” a surge in suicides in China reported , all victims killed them self withe 2 bullets to the back of the head and hav...

Everyone is panicking about the stock markets....

But the 31 foot mexican ladder company I invested in is surging.

What was Zeus" specialty in medical school?

Surge-ery

The Wrestler.

There's an up-and-coming wrestler, and I mean a real wrestler not that glitzy camp showman stuff. Sweat and muscle. And he's good; with the able assistance of his manager, he's rising steadily in the ranks.

In fact he's so good, that he decides he can do it - he asks his manager to set up a t...

Apple Stock

Apple's stock surges on announcement of two-child policy change in China

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Fancy Chicago lawyer goes duck hunting in LA (Lower Alabama) (very long)

This lawyer had heard about the exceptional duck hunting in lower Alabama so he made plans to go one year. He left his hotel early and found a good spot by sun-up. He had the most expensive equipment money could buy.

He missed a few ducks, but then shot one. It flapped a couple times and lan...

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A little girl named Susie....

...was playing outside in the backyard and saw a butterfly flying about. She was entertained by this butterfly, but has an innate sense to destroy and proceeded to smush that poor poor butterfly. Her dad saw this and exclaimed, “SUSIE!!! Why did you kill that butterfly!? No butter for a month!”
<...

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Rancher Abe and his mating bull

Abe the rancher was having issues with his stock because his prized bull would not mate. Abe's friends told him to try a vaginal smear technique.
They told Abe to get a cow and rub the vaginal juices and then rub it onto and under the bulls nose

Sure enough, Abe's prized bull when crazy a...

Erotica and then some

As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.

He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.
<...

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What do mutiny and an orgasm have in common?

A sudden surge of seamen.

Are Computers Male or Female?

As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as being female (e.g., "Steady as she goes" or "She's listing to starboard, Captain!")

Recently, a group of computer scientists (all males) announced that computers should also be referred to as being female. Their reasons for drawing this...

A rope walked into a bar

After a long, hard day of work, a piece of rope walked into a bar looking to relax and have a drink. As he walked in, he noticed several of the patrons eyeing him. He made his way to the bar, sat down, and motioned to the bartender. The bartender walked down to where the rope was sitting and lowered...

Enrique Peña Nieto, Malala Yousafzai, and Donald Trump are walking along a beach

It's a bit of an oldie, and I think the last time I heard it, it came off as pretty racist. But I think the current political climate allows me to rehash it better.

Enrique Peña Nieto, who is the Mexican President, is walking along the beach one day with the US President, Donald Trump, and p...

Bored in the nursing home

Three women living in a nursing home are bored one day and talking. The first woman says "Alright I'm bored."
The second woman says "Well what can we do?"
The third woman says "Let's go streaking!"
Feeling that surge of excitement, the women all agree.

Not long after, they run naked ...

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