UPJOKE
realmenglandjutesfortcerdicisle of wightmerciachristianityst bedepaganismritchiescoobyactivisionminnyscotty

I stuffed a bunch of blunts into the holes of a foam shoe and brought it to the party.

Sure I was popular, but I wish someone would have explained to me what a crockpot was before I came.

It bothers me that Double Stuf Oreos is spelled with one 'F'...

Why they don't give two 'Fs' is beyond me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman was rushed to the hospital after stuffing 30 toy horses up her ass...

Her condition is stable.

I’m not usually good at carnival games, but I won a stuffed knight at the county fair.

It was a Sir Prize

The world's richest man is dying...

The world's richest man is dying. He has made peace with that.

But what is bothering him so much is that no one in the afterlife will even know that he has amassed such a colossal personal fortune. On Earth, everyone knows he's a self-made man who built this huge fortune from scratch, but he...

So I just watched the music video for Radioactive, and if you think fighting stuffed animals are weird…

Imagine Dragons.

Fibonacci’s day at the fair

One day Fibonacci goes to the fair with his friends: Ms.One, Mr.Five, and Dr.Twenty.


While Fibonacci perused the fairgrounds, his friends decided to enjoy a variety of different competitions and games.


Ms.One thought to try her hand at the ring toss and ball throwing games. S...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One Easter Sunday, a man goes to church and returns home with two black eyes.

His wife inquires as to how he got the black eyes.

The man goes on to say, “a lady stood up in front of me during mass, I saw her dress was stuck in the butt crack, so I reached out and tugged it out. She whirled around, became furious, and punched me in the eye.”

“That explains one bl...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada. After a hard day on the slopes, he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain. After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall...

He asks the bartender, "What the fuck is that?"

The bartender replies, "It's a moose."

The Scottish chap shouts back, "Fuck me! How big are the cats?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Stingy old lawyer

A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the old saying, “You can’t take it with you.” After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died.

He in...

Chillin’

While you are reading jokes on reddit, I am sitting here in a chair that costs $2,000, hugging a stuffed animal that costs $150 and watching the Ant Man Quantumania movie on a 100" full HD 8k TV that costs $8,000 and nothing bothers me, not even the look of the furniture store employees who apparent...

Adam gave Sally 3 flowers and 1 stuffed animal. Kristen gave Sally 5 flowers and 2 stuffed animals. What does Sally have?

cancer.

Why did the farmer stop stuffing goats into his truck?

There was no more ruminant.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman's birthday was in just a few days...

Her husband asked her if she could have anything she wanted on her birthday, no matter how impossible, what would it be?

The wife told him "It's kind of silly, but I'd really like to be six again."

That gave the husband a great idea for a big surprise. On the morning of her birthday, h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today my roommate woke me up by stuffing her hand in my butt, up to the elbow

Next time, I'm going to check my spelling when I request anal arm

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A child is sitting on a park bench, stuffing his face with candy. A middle-aged man walks by, and says to the boy with disgust...

..."Boy, you'll rot your teeth and your mind eating sweets like that."



The boy replies "well, my grandfather lived to 109."


"By eating candy like that?" asks the man.


"No," says the boy. "By minding his own fucking business."

Rookie cop pulls over an old biker…

A rookie police officer pulls an old biker over for speeding:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Biker: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Biker: It's not my bike. I stole it.

Off...

Why was 6 upset with 7 after 7 won her a stuffed elephant at the fair?

Because 711432.

Grandpa’s 100th birthday party was not a huge success.

The family wheeled him in his chair out onto the lawn for a picnic. When he slowly started to lean to the right, his daughter stuffed a pillow on his right side to prop him up. A bit later, he started leaning to the left. His son straightened him up and stuffed a pillow on his left side. Soon he sta...

I created a poll to see if people preferred pillows stuffed with bird feathers or pillows stuffed with synthetic material.

Synthetic material didn't win. Too many down votes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was running late after playing a round of golf, so I left my clubs with my friend, stuffed a bunch of the balls in my pants pockets and got on a bus...

I sat down next to a beautiful blonde and she kept looking at me and my bulging pockets.

Finally, after many puzzled glances from her, I said, "It's golf balls."

The blonde continued to look at me for a very long time, thinking deeply about what I had said.

Finally, unable to co...

My kid has a stuffed alpaca toy...

I call it her Dolly Llama!!!

What’s a taxidermist do for fun?

Stuff

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was in the pub the other night. (long)

and my friend Denzel comes rushing in he says "I need a favour". I said "what?"

he said "i got a young woman in the back of my van that I met in here, well she wants me to shag her, but me wife's just called and she's got me tea ready I have to go home"

"what you want me to do about i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man get pulled over with his young son in the back seat.

The cop comes to the window.

"Sorry officer, I was rushing tog et home. My wife is throwing a dinner party for very important guests."

The cop writes him a ticket anyway, wishes him a good day and walks back to his patrol car. As he walks away, the dad mutters "Bastard."

The lit...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three shelves of stuffed animals

A man and a woman meet at a singles' bar, and they quickly hit it off and decide to go back to her place. They immediately head for the bedroom.

Once in the bedroom, the man notices something peculiar: on the wall are three shelves full of stuffed animals: huge ones on the top shelf, regular-...

Paddy took two stuffed dogs to the Antiques Roadshow

"Ooh!" said thew presenter, "This is a rare breed, do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"

"Sticks." replied Paddy.

Heard about the Egyptian tomb stuffed full of wafer, nuts & chocolate?

Archaeologists think it was Pharaoh Rocher.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Redneck vasectomy

After the birth of their 9th child, a redneck couple decided they'd had enough because they couldn’t afford a larger bed. The husband went to the veterinarian and asked to be snipped. "Me'n my cousin don't want no more kids"

The vet told him he could get a vasectomy, but it was expensive. "Th...

Corrupt Warden Stuffed At Middle Eastern Restaurant

Awful lawful all full off falafel.

A man meets his Tinder date at a carnival.

"There's so many games!" he said, "What do you wanna do?"

"I wanna get weighed." she says, shyly looking at the ground.

They go to the GUESS-Your-WEIGHT booth and she wins a stuffed animal.

"What next?" he asks.

"I wanna get weighed." she says, confidently looking at him....

Recently bought my friend a stuffed elephant for her bedroom.

When I bought it for her, she was super happy and said thanks.

I said, “don’t mention it.”

Getting stuffed

The direction on a box of Stovetop stuffing say to fluff it before serving. I wasn't sure what that meant so I Googled "Fluffing".

I've been making stuffing wrong.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Woody Allen's Moose hunting joke

I shot a moose once. I was hunting upstate New York, and I shot a moose. And I strapped him onto the fender of my car. And I'm driving home along the West Side Highway, but what I didn't realize was that the bullet did not penetrate the moose. It just creased the scalp knocking him unconscious. And ...

I'm considering stuffing my clothes with candy bars.

That way, I'll always have Twix up my sleeve.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was in love with his duck, and he took it to a movie with him one night.

The cashier said, ‘You can’t bring that duck in here’, so the man went around the corner and stuffed the duck down the front of his trousers, bought a ticket and went inside.
The duck started getting restless; so the man opened up his fly and let the duck’s head out. Well, next to the man was ...

When I was a kid I pretended I was doing surgery on a stuffed animal inside a blanket fort

I guess you could say they were undercover operations

What do you call a fish stuffed with candy?

A fiñata.


^I’m ^sorry

Two robins stuffed themselves with worms until they were too fat to fly.

Since the birds couldn’t go anywhere, they decided to just sit and soak up the sun.

Along came a cat, and it ate them.

Licking its paws, the cat said, “I just love baskin’ robins!”
(Apparently yesterday's joke was no good, but I like this one)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw a premature newborn playing with a stuffed donkey.

ICU baby, shaking that ass.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

what do you call a sex doll stuffed with duck feathers?

down to fuck

After years of stuffing her face, my wife finally took it too far and fell into a deep diabetic coma.

After two weeks of no improvement, her doctor took me to one side..

"I'm sorry, but all our tests are indicating no sign of her ever recovering." He told me, sombrely.

"It may be time to take away her life support."

Suddenly, my wife's eyes sprung open and she sat bolt uprigh...

One time I had a doughnut stuffed with icing

It was filling!

Using recycled material, I've made the kids a stuffed dog for Christmas.

It used to be their real dog.

For Christmas my wife wanted a stuffed Reynard, but I forgot. So...

Zero fox given.

Why couldn’t the teddy bear finish his birthday cake?

He was stuffed.

My buddy stuffed socks down his pants to impress women, but it didn’t work.

I need to tell him to move it to the front of the pants the next time around.

A little old lady would feed two squirrels in her backyard everyday. One morning the old lady goes out to feed them and finds them dead. She decides she can't live without them and takes them to a taxidermist. She asks to have them stuffed. The taxidermist asked if she wanted them mounted...

"No!" She said. "Holding hands will be just fine."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes for a prostate exam.

The doctor is checking him out when he finds a roll of $100 bills stuffed up his ass. He pulls out the money and counts it.

“You’re not gonna believe this, but I just found $1900 shoved up your ass!”

The man says, “Well that makes sense. That’s why I haven’t been feeling too grand.”

I bought my daughter some stuffed animals for her birthday.

In hindsight, getting them at the taxidermist was probably a bad idea.

I’ve got a great recipe for popcorn stuffed duck.

It’s called Quacker Jacks

A pasta chef was caught stuffing the ballot boxes at a big Broadway awards show.

Apparently, he was trying to rig a Tony.

A bloke took a couple of stuffed Jack Russell terriers into an antique dealer for appraisal. "What would you expect them to fetch if they were in good condition?", the dealer asked him.

"I don't know... Sticks?"

What do you call a stuffed animal version of Mount Rushmore?

Mount Plushmore

Little Johnny’s neighbour

Little Johnny's neighbour just had a baby. Sadly, the baby was born without any ears. When the mum and baby came back home from the hospital, Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a chat with him and explained how the baby had no ...

I like to put grilled chicken in my egg and cheese stuffed breakfast burrito...

Nothing warms my heart and stomach more than reuniting a mother and child.

I just heard stuffed wildebeests are now the new trend.

Turned out to be a bunch of fake gnus

I was at a voodoo store looking to buy an Afrikan juju doll. I couldn't decide which one I wanted, so I stuffed them down my pants, one by one until I got to one that aroused me. It was at this point I knew...

That's my fetish.

Growing up, my kid always had lots of stuffed animals....

...but he never appreciated them. Everytime we went to the taxidermist he’d start crying.

I like to keep my Thanksgiving dinner simple: turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, and veggies

Everything else is just gravy

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy goes into an old Chinese Curiosity Shop in New York. Looking at all the strange, and unique items, he spots a large stuffed rat...

... It being very large and strange, the gentleman decides that it would be a great conversation starter for his office.

He approaches the old Chinese man behind the counter and pays for the large stuffed rat, but as he is leaving he swears he can hear the old Chinese man cackling behind...

It's my cake day, so better post a joke about cakes... Why couldn't the Teddy bear finish his birthday cake?

Because he was already stuffed...

Sorry, I'll do better next year - definitely Muffin that I will repeat again!

A man rushes home late from work, slams the door open and plops himself down on the sofa. He turns on the tv and looks at his wife “quick” he says “get me a beer and some food before it starts!”

The wife gets up slowly looking startled but slightly excited. She wanders into the kitchen and comes back quickly with a beer and some food for her husband.

The man gulps down the beer and looks back to his wife “quick!” He says “get me another beer before it starts!” The man goes back to fl...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What can you say during sex and at a family dinner?

That was great! I'm stuffed!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Scotsman went skiing in Canada for the first time.

At the end of a great day on the slopes, he retired to the local tavern. After getting six whiskeys in him he stood up and turned around to discover a large, stuffed animal head with giant antlers hanging from the wall.

"Barkeep," he said, "what the hell is that?"

The bartender said, "...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar, and sees a huge jar sitting on the counter.

The jar is stuffed with $10 bills. There has to be at least twenty grand in there. Curious, he approaches the bartender.

He asks, "What's the deal with the jar?"

The bartender replies, "You put ten bucks in, and if you complete three challenges, you win the entire jar."

"What ar...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a guy and a girl are on a blind date.

The girl says to the guy, “So, Gerry, what do you do for a living?”

Gerry immediately bends down to pick something up from under the table. He pulls out a stuffed gopher, and shows it to the girl. “Oh, yeah,” he says, “I’m a taxidermist.”

The girl replies with “Oh, that’s cool.”
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

RIP Mr. Schwartz

A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest penis he had ever seen!
'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impress...

From my 5 year old last night. I thought it was funny....but i'm easy. Why didn't the Teddybear finish his dinner?

Because he was stuffed!

Why do cuddly toys never eat?

Because they are stuffed

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Farm Inspection

A DEA officer stopped at our farm yesterday "I need to inspect your farm for illegal growing drugs."

I said, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there.....,"

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!" Reaching into his...

A Frenchman, an Italian and a Jewish man die and go to heaven....

An angel ushers the Frenchman into a room filled with every French delicacy imaginable and instructs him - you can eat whatever you want, but if you eat anything from this table, at 5:00 a boiling pot of French onion soup will be wheeled in and you're going in it.

The Frenchman thinks for a ...

It works...

A tourist in Paris notices a man stuffing bananas in his ears. stops him and asks: "Why are you stuffing bananas into your ears?"

The man replies: "It's keeping the crocodiles away!"

"But good sir, there are no crocodiles in Paris!"

"See, it works..." replies the man.

What happened when the teddy bear got punched?

He got the stuffing knocked out of him.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and a woman are getting married

Coming from very conservative families, they had been completely chaste, never having even seen each other naked.

The day before their wedding, the woman comes up to her fiancé and says "Honey, I've got something to tell you. I've been stuffing my bra, I'm actually very flat chested" and the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Farmer

A farmer decided he wanted to go to town and see a movie. As he approached, the ticket agent asked, “Sir, what’s that on your shoulder?”

The old farmer said, “That’s my pet rooster Chuck. Wherever I go, Chuck goes.”

“I’m sorry, sir,” said the ticket agent. “We can’t allow animals in th...

A kindergarten student was having trouble putting on his boots, and asked his teacher for help.

Even with her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on. Finally they got both boots on. She grimaced when the little boy said, "They're on the wrong feet."
Sure enough, they were. The teacher kept her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on - this time on the co...

A man went to see his doctor . . .

"Doctor," he said, "my head's stuffed up, I'm sneezing, I'm coughing, I've got the chills. I think I have a cold. What should I do?"

The doctor says, "First, you should soak in a tub of ice water for about a half hour. Then, you should stand in front of a fan that is going full blast. The...

The Old Macaw

A man goes to a pet store looking for a fun pet for his family. There are the typical candidates, kittens, puppies, fish, hamsters, but off in the corner is an old macaw. He asks the owner what the deal is, and the owner replies that the macaw has actually been adopted several times, but he always g...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A joke for the older generations

So there once was this women by the name of Marge, who could never seem to snag a man to stay by her side for more than a year! She had many husband and would bear many kids with each husband. By the end of her fertility period she had given birth to a 100 kids! In order to remember all their names ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three young men were by a small secluded pool at a resort...

...when one of the young men put his hand in the water to test its temperature. Suddenly appeared a Genie who said: "I am the Genie of the pool, go to the diving board, say something you want and dive into the pool, it'll then turn into what you said".

The first young man went on the diving b...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Pub Game

A guy walks into a pub in the middle of the countryside and orders a pint. While the barman is pouring his drink he notices a jar behind the bar that's stuffed with cash, must be close to £5000 in there. Curious, he asks the barman, "what's this about?"

"Ah, it's a little game we got 'ere" sa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A door-to-door salesman rings the doorbell

A little ten year-old boy answers and opens the door, but he is standing there wearing a bra stuffed with socks, wearing a pair of panties and has cigar hang from his lips.

The salesman looking a bit befuddled asks, "Is mommy or daddy home?"

The little boy answers, "What the fuck do yo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Prince Harry had his Bachelor Party last night in London and here is his "Quote of the Day" from that memorable event:

"It's really weird stuffing money into a stripper's G string when every bill has a photo of your grandmother printed on it."

A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his house.

In the den, there was a stuffed lion.

The visiting hunter asked the host, "When did you bag him?"

The host proudly replied, "Three years ago, when I went hunting with my ex wife."

The visitor then asked, "What is he stuffed with?"

To which the host replies, "My ex wife."

A fisherman took his boat far out to sea. He hooked a huge fish, and fought it for hours.

Unfortunately, as he wasn’t strapped into his seat, he was yanked overboard, and began to drown. Suddenly, he was rescued and brought back to his boat by a pair of dolphins. Without thinking, the fisherman thanked them.
They replied, “You’re welcome!” Aghast, the fisherman said, “You can talk! Th...

People ask me if I’m a breast or leg man

I tell them I’m not fussy as long as there’s a good stuffing involved

A man is dragged in front of Putin by a soldier

Putin asks the solider "What did he do?"

The soldier answered that the man went into Moscow square and shouted that he didn't like the stupid halfwit leader who caused war to break out, let his army get defeated with expensive military equipment being captured by a bunch of peasants, destroye...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Medical Problem

A man was admitted to hospital today with twenty-five toy horses stuffed up his rectum. doctors have listed his condition as 'stable'.

I met a woman while walking my dog in the park.

After a few minutes and feeling a little chemistry I asked her to go out for dinner with me.

She agreed and the following evening we met at a decent restaurant. After a nice dinner, a few drinks, and great conversation I invited her back to my place.

We started making out and my hand...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"12 Days Of Christmas - Bayou Style"

Day 1 Dear Boudreaux, Thanks for de bird in de Pear tree. I fix it
las' night with dirty rice. I doan tink de pear tree will grow
in the swamp, so I swap it for a Satsuma.


Day 2 Dear Boudreaux, You letter say you sent two turtle doves, but
all I got was two scrawny pigeon...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.