UPJOKE

Story About Jokes

An army grunt is telling a story about finding a scorpion in his tent…

A marine, an army grunt, and an airman are having a beer and the army grunt is telling this story about how one time he found a scorpion in his tent. Marine asks “what’d you do?”, and the grunt says he crushed it with his boot and flung it out the flap. The marine laughs and says “what a sissy”. The...

Did you hear the sad story about the blond couple that died at the drive-in movie?

They'd gone to see "Closed for Winter".

A disturbing but true story about me

When I was born, my mother died and my father abandoned me. So I spent my entire childhood with my aunt and uncle.

When I was in my late teens, I stumbled upon a video that my sister had made of herself. It was then that I realized that she was really, really hot. I watched the video twice, a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A story about a pessimist, an optimist and a realist..

A pessimist sees a dark tunnel
An optimist sees light at the end of the tunnel
A realist sees a freight train.
The train driver sees 3 fucking idiots standing on the tracks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just read a story about a German scientist who invented a prosthetic penis

Nobody thought he could pull it off

A Story About My Time with a Homeless Man

Insert Rick and Morty joke here.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So this guy - who I don't know - walks into the bar I'm at, sits down next to me, and starts telling me a story about his latest conquest

This guy sits next to me and says - "Hey man - last night I hooked up with this totally hot F'n girl. I was talking to this F'n chick for about half an hour."

He continues - "I asked her from where she was from - and it was my F'n home town. She went to the same F'n high school as me. I neve...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you know the story about the salmon in the mountain lake?

Imagine. A snow topped mountain, evergreen forests, clear blue skies, a beautiful lake reflecting the light of the sun.



Well in that lake, there was a salmon. Above the salmon a fly was buzzing around.


The salmon thinks: "if that fly flies ten centimeters lower, I can catc...

My friend was telling a story about his dog to the group at work

I arrived late…


It’s ok…


I caught the tail end of the story

I just heard this story about a German man named Wolsechleglstienhausenbredergorhoff.

Since you skipped his name I'm not telling you his story now!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Grandpa once told me an old story about a shrimp who grew a penis

It was a classic prawn cock tale

5 year old son after reading a story about a king...

Son:Mom, I also want 5 wives.one will cook, one will sing, one will bathe me

Mom:And one will put you to sleep

Son:No mom, i will still sleep with you

Mom's eyes filled up with tears ... God bless you son

Mom:but who will sleep with your 5 wives?

Son:Let them slee...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A story about monarchy, sex, religion and mystery

- Someone ass fucked the queen!

- Oh my god!

- Who could it have been?

So I was hearing a story about how my local chemist met her husband. Apparently he came in asking for some extra, extra, extra, extra large condoms.

Only later did she discover he had a stutter.

Little-known story about Sublime

The band Sublime once had a roadie from England. She'd drive them to and from gigs, and around after when they were too drunk or stoned. She was great but insisted on driving on the left side of the road... and you know what?
Nobody ever told her it's the wrong way.

What do you call a story about a broken pencil?

Pointless

Have you heard the story about the guy who drowned at the cheesemaking factory?

It's whey over the top

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a pub and asks the bartender to tell him a story about penises

The bartender says 'Sorry, mate, we don't do cock tales here'

Did you hear the story about the dwarf who was caught climbing down a prison wall?

It was a little condescending.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you ever hear the story about the guy who was both sad and horny?

It's a real tearjerker.

Did you hear the tragic story about the man who sat in food coloring?

He dyes in the end.

A story about my first time

The sky was dark

The moon was high

All alone just she and I.

Her hair was soft

Her eyes were blue

I knew just what she wanted to do.

Her skin so soft

Her legs so fine

I ran my fingers down her spine.

I didn't know how

But I tried ...

Did you hear the story about the two silkworms that decided to compete in a race against each other?

They wound up in a tie.

Did you hear the story about the guy who couldn’t see, hear, smell, feel, or taste?

It made no sense.

Have I ever told you the story about the organ donor?

It's really disheartening.

I'll tell you a weird story about a pig's behind, but...

I've got to warn you; it's a twisted tale.

(tail)

The teacher was telling us a story about the time when she went camping in the forest with her family and they saw a huge snake, and she asks: do you know why the snake didn't bite? Because....

From the back of the classroom, a student shouts: Because snakes don't bite each other.

My local news station had a story about a string of killings at churches in Massachusetts.

"Mass mass mass murders." they said.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Let me tell you a story about why I don’t take hitchhikers anymore

So one time I’m driving down a country road with a friend. A hitchhiker signals us to stop, asks where we are headed and we agree to give him a ride.

Now the guy has a huge bag. I’m talking about the same size as a person kind of bag, we had trouble fitting it in the back. But at this point ...

My newspaper had a story about a sovereign citizen “going commando” in public.

They got charged for indie-cent exposure.

Long story about a story

There was a newsman Ida Gross, who worked at the New York times last century who always snuck in a pun into his reports. His editor was always on a look out for the pun, which he always excised before sending the story on to be printed.


One day, there was a gas explosion that killed ten...

Let me tell you a little story about a criminal.

So in Thailand there was a gangster named "Mr. Phoon.", and one day he was passing through a small village that was home to a man he had had "taken care of", when the man had tried to interfere with the flow of Mr. Phoon's drugs into the town.

Now it was a stormy day, and some of the famil...

Did you hear the story about the Man Eating Tree?

Well, long story short it was all bark and no bite.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My grandpa always told us the story about how he made a dozen German troops shit themselves in WWII.

He was probably the worst cook the Reich had.

Did you hear the amazing story about the blind construction worker?

He picked up a hammer and saw.

A few years ago my wife asked me if I'd seen the news story about a Moose walking into a lobby in Alaska. It sounded so much the first line of a joke that I figured I had to come up with something...

A moose walks into a hotel lobby in Alaska and starts eating the plants.

The hotel manager comes over and says, "Juneau, it's illegal to eat the foliage, don't you?"

The Moose looks at him calmly, still chewing, and says, "Nome, Nome, Nome."

Do you know the story about the guy that everyone forgot about?

Me neither

My uncle told me a story about how he survived a chase from lion for about 10 kms.

He said once he saw a lion, he started running toward the village at full speed. After around a kilometre, he looked back and lion, who was just a feet away from him, slipped all of sudden. This allowed him to gain some distance from lion. After around another kilometre, he looked back and lion, wh...

My friend just told me a long boring story about an incestuous relationship.

It was such an auntie climax.

I heard a story about a man that went insane

He bought a new boomerang and kept trying to throw the old one away

Have you heard the story about the dinosaur who found love?

It hit me right in the fuels.

Did you hear the story about the cow that appears to have 5 legs?

It's a long tail.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear the story about a woman who couldn't orgasm?

It was anticlimactic

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For All You Disney Fans, here’s a little Story about the time I rode the Monorail at Disneyland

One time while riding the monorail at Disneyland, I let out the loudest, wettest, deepest and almost foul smelling fart I have ever ripped in my life. There are no words in the English language that can describe the absolute rancidity of this fart. It was so putrid that actual green gas was visible ...

A British tabloid has just run a story about how self conscious I am.

Its really upset me, I hate seeing myself in The Mirror.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a fictional story about sex?

A fucking legend!

We all know the story about Eve eating the apple in the Garden of Eden...

But God also forbade Eve from bathing in the nearby river. One day God came down from heaven to find Eve disregarding his command, washing herself in the river.

God put his hands on his hips and shook his head. "Dammit! I'm never going to get that smell out of the fish."

story about a couple who had been happily married for years with one issue

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.

The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morni...

I just read a story about songs in history and the pitches in which they were sung.

For example, a march to battle was sung around middle D. Gregorian chants were sung from low D to middle G.

It seems that most, if not all, pirate shanties were sung on the high C’s.

Cyberpunk 2077 has created a story about corporate interests crushing people under the weight of commodification and dehumanisation, with high tech stakes about a world full of technology gone awry.

The game has similar themes.

A story about a small event at a mates house

So basically, we were at my mates house. Now, we were about to leave, and he started banging on about this fiver he lost. Now, I wanted to try and use my phone and I thought about getting it from my pockets, but I couldn't check my pockets because then he'd think I nicked his fiver.

So I go i...

My mate with a stutter was telling us a story about his nan.

By the end, we were all singing Hey Jude.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW This is a story about 4 people

named Everycunt, Someothercunt, Anycunt and Nocunt.
One day, there was a job that needed doing, and Someothercunt was asked to do it.
Everycunt was sure Someothercunt would do it, but Nocunt did it.
Everycunt got angry because it was Someothercunt's job.
Nocunt didn't realise t...

This is a short story about Kanye West

After a long day of work, Kanye West goes to his Kanye Nest to take his Kanye Rest. He wakes up feeling his Kanye Best. Then he’ll get Kanye Dressed on his Kanye Vest to go on a Kanye Quest. He goes to church and becomes Kanye Blessed, then to a hotel room to be a Kanye Guest. Then to school to take...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A male band member’s manager learns that a local tabloid is looking for something scandalous to write a story about.

Trying to get ahead of whatever is coming, they go ahead and write out a list of rules for their client to follow to try and avoid catching the press’s attention. They emailed the list to the celebrity and told them to follow the instructions very closely.

A few days later, one of the manage...

Did you hear the story about the rabbit's childhood?

It's a hare-raising tale!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A story about kinks and boobs

I started dating this girl with a really weird fetish -- she's got a very nice pair of knockers, and she loves having it smacked loudly. She really gets off from the pain and from the really loud POP sound that the slap of skin-on-skin can make. Recently, she's been getting more kinky about it, and ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear the story about the peacock?

You haven’t? Well, it’s a beautiful tale

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Let me tell you the story about the chicken that breaths throught it's asshole...

One day, it sat on a rock and died.

The end.

Did you hear the story about the old milk?

It was legend dairy

A story about a Redneck and a Game Warden.

A redneck with a bucket full of live fish, was approached recently by a game warden in Georgia as he started to leave a lake well known for it's fish.
The game warden asked the man, "May I see your fishing license please?"
"Naw, sir," replied the redneck. "I don't need none of them there pap...

If you tell a really incredible story about making money...

It's an incomparable income parable.

An Abridged Story About a Bridge

In short, two sides needed connecting.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A friend of mine told me a really sad story about a time when he was crying and masturbating at the same time.

It was a real tear-jerker.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Why are you telling me this story about a male chicken?" I asked the bartender, confused.

He just looked at me and replied, "You asked for a cock tale, sir."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Story About Joe

There was this man, let's call him Joe. Joe was a religious man, he was the CEO of a multi-million dollar company, and he had a very nice house. One day, as he was heading to work, he heard a voice boom down from the heavens.

"JOE," the voice proclaimed.

"God? Is that you?" Joe aske...

What is the oldest known story about cheese?

The one of Edam and Eve

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A story about a woman

Once upon a time, there was a woman, she got pregnant and was going to have triplets. Her ultrasound showed that she’s going to have 2 daughters and 1 son. The woman got shot 3 times in her stomach, each bullet to each child. The kids were fine, though. The kids got their birth and the woman was rea...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Remind me to tell you the crazy story about the last time I flushed a toilet.

Shit went down.

Given that it be Talk Like A Pirate Day, I be havin' a story about me parrot!

Back when I were just a young sea-dog, I found meself sailin' under the iron grip o' Captain Nobeard. A fearsome pirate, was she, known fer cuttin' down anyone who crossed her!

Well, being a new pirate, I figured I'd be needin' a parrot fer me shoulder. Picked one out, did I, in the first por...

A short story about my roommate Joseph.

A couple of years ago, one night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear the story about the guy who was caught masturbating in a theater box?

It was quite a tier jerker.

Have you heard the story about the watch, clock and sandglass?

It's about time.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear the dull story about the Japanese policeman's hatchet?

It was an anti-crime axe.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A true story about my grandad

I remember we used to think my grandad was autistic or some kind of idiot savant. He left school at 14 with no qualifications, worked for 50 years as a coal miner, never read a book in his life but whenever you asked him anything, no matter how crazy or obscure he always had the answer. Then we got ...

Story about Kenny Loggins

Was reading this story today about Top Gun, and found another story about Kenny Loggins. Apparently he was part of a recent program to clone musicians and artists, to isolate and modify the genes responsible for creativity. There was a limit of the number of clones that could be created, and at one ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I read a true story about a guy who cries every time he masturbates.

A real tear jerker.

A man was voting for his favorite movie, he wanted to say it was Pixar’s UP because he loves the story about the cranky old man and the little kid. But he also doesn’t like crying in public and the opening sequence makes him cry every single time and that makes him angry. He eventually said . . .

Take my angry Up vote

An inspiring true story about my friend's grandmother.

I'd like to tell you a little-known, but inspiring and true story that involves my friend Jake's grandmother.

Her name was Erica. She lived a typical grandmother life, knitting, spoiling her grandchildren and puttering around.

But despite having lived a full life before retiring, she w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

CNN ran a story about leaked pictures of Donald Trump's penis.

But it turned out to be fake nudes.

I was going to tell you a story about a rope

But I’ll leave you hanging

Did you hear the story about Jesus the archer?

On the third day he arrows again.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If there was a futuristic story about an alien who caught fire because he masturbated too hard

Would that be science friction?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I wrote a story about my sex life.

There was no climax

I once told story about pregnancy that nobody understood except for my twin sister

It was our little inside joke

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A story about a man who drank a lot..

So I have a story about a man who drank a lot and his wife said "If you ever come home drunk again I will leave you"

So the man goes to the pub with his mates, has a few too many and throws up all over himself. He tells his friend about his situation and his friend said "take a £20 note and p...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A short story about two old ladies at a bus stop

There are two old ladies at the bus stop. One is rich while the other one is poor. It was the Rich lady's birthday last week.

"my husband got me a diamond ring for my birthday" says the rich lady

"that's nice!" says the poor lady

"he also got me a Mercedes C class" says the rich...

My friend just told me this long and winding story about how he lost the tip of his index finger in an accident.

It was a bit pointless.

I once heard a story about Usain Bolt’s tendency to be a womanizer

They said he really gets around

I was gonna write a story about Swiss cheese

But the plot had too many holes in it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Have you guys heard the story about the butter?

You know what, never mind. I don't want to spread it around.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If the story about Trump and a porn star is true, it could be very embarrassing…

At some point, that porn star will have to face her friends and colleagues…

Just written a depressing story about surprises

It’s a tale of WOAH!

I saw a news story about teens getting high while washing in the shower...

They said it was leading to harder drug use and a real slippery soap.

A story about a man with no arms.

One day, a man with no arms was low of money and decided he needed a job. So he went to the local church and talked to the priest. He told the pastor that he wanted to be the bell ringer, despite the fact that he had no arms.

The priest pondered this, and said "if you can go ring the bell at...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This is a joke I wrote myself. It’s long, but I think it’s pretty good, personally…

This is a story about three friends who had known each other their whole lives.

They did everything together. You could not find one without the other two nearby. But, as so often happens, after graduation, they all went their separate ways. One of the friends went on to become a very success...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Man from Italy tells story about visit to America:

One day I ma gonna Detroit to bigga hotel. I go down to breakfast. I tella the waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She bring me only one piss. I tell her I wanna two pisses. She say go to the toilet. I say you no understand, I wanna two piss onna my plate. She say you better no piss onna plate, you s...

Did you hear the story about the bad egg?

He ran down the street with his yoke hanging out.

I was reading a story about dragons the other day

It just seemed to DRAG ON and on

I'd tell you this incredible story about my relationship with a bee in my room

But I'm too depressed, bee leave me.

I have a story about digging holes...

But you probably wouldn't enjoy it because it's just boring

Have you heard the news story about the kid that was arrested when they thought the clock he brought to school was a bomb?

It's blowing up

Did you hear the story about the cyber-suicide bomber?

Blew up all over the internet.

Once I heard a story about a math teacher who crashed his Prizm into a 100-year-old oak...

Geo met tree.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.