UPJOKE

Store To Buy Jokes

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Two young boys walk into a pharmacy store to buy tampons

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.


The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?'


'Eight', the boy replied.


The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used ...

A man walks into a brain store to buy a new brain

He goes to the clerk and says

"Hello, I'd like to purchase a new brain".

The clerk replies with "Sure, here are some of our brains we have on sale"
"Here's the brain of a physicist, 5 dollars."

"Here's our second deal for today. The brain of an anti-vaxxer, 10,000 dollar...

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.

The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out, and...

I went to the store to buy some condoms

Cashier asked me if I needed a bag, I said " nah, ill just turn off the lights"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man’s wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes, so he walks down to the store only to find it closed.

So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her.

They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.

After they’ve had their fun, he realizes its 3 a.m. and says, “Oh no, it...

A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks.

He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.

"Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the salesgirl.

"No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"Well, ...

Mother and daughter go to a store to buy clothes...

**The mother tries on a dress and asks her teenage daughter:**

**Mother: Does this dress look good on me?**

**Daughter: Mom, you promise that no matter what I say you won't be mad?**

**Mother: I promise.**

**Daughter: I'm pregnant.**

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man went to the store to buy some raisins...

When he got there, he asked a cashier, "What aisle are the..."

"...raisins in?" she asked.

"How... how did you know?"

"I am a psychic. I can read minds."

"Really? Well then, what am I..."

"Thinking now? You're thinking about what I might look like naked."

"Y...

A man walks into a store to buy deodorant

The clerk asks: "Would you like the ball deodorant?"

"No thanks, it's for my armpits."

A woman goes into a hardware store to buy a hinge for a door.

She puts the hinge on the counter, and the guy says, "Excuse me lady, do you wanna screw for that hinge?"

And she says, "No, but I'll blow you for that lawn mower."

A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. "How much is that Barbie in the window?" he asks the shop assistant.

In a manner, she responds, "Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95 and Divorced Barbie for $395.00."

The guy asks, "Why is Divorced ...

I went to the store to buy camouflage pants...

but I didn't see any.

A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a shotgun.

"It's for my husband," she tells the clerk

"Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk.

"Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn't even know that I'm going to shoot him!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes into the store to buy condoms...

He grabs the condoms and as he's paying, he puts his card into the chip reader and the card gets declined. The old lady in line behind him says:

Old lady: You just got cock blocked by VISA!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wife sent me to the store to buy tampons.

As I'm standing there confused, a worker approached me and asked, "Is there anything I can help you with?"

"Yeah. What are these tampons made out? They are so expensive."


"Well basically just cotton, string, and cardboard." replies the employee.

After thinking for a minute...

Guy walks into a store to buy condoms.

Grabs a pack and asks the clerk "How much are these?"



Clerk says, "$4.50 plus tax."



Guy says, "Tacks? Don't they stay on by themselves?"

Went to the store to buy 6 cans of Sprite...

Got back to the office and realized I had picked 7 up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to the store to buy some beef Jerky...

The clerk at the counter asks "is that everything sir?"

The man licks his lips and says "yep. Just the jerky"

The clerk responds "OK, but please don't lick my lips ever again."

A man walks into a store to buy condoms

He notices that there are Olympic condoms on sale. He returns home and tells his wife, "Honey I bought Olympic condoms for us tonight!"

Wife: What's so special about them.

Husband: Well, there's a gold one, a silver one and a bronze one.

Wife: Which one are you gonna wear toni...

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A woman goes to a pet store to buy a companion.

The assistant in the pet store however guides her to the aquarium and says "these frogs are on special.'
"Why would I want a frog" says the woman.
The shop keeper looks around sheepishly then says "this frog gives the best oral sex in the world, MIND BLOWING!!"
The woman immediately buys ...

I went to the store to buy 50 condoms.

As I said to the cashier "I would like to buy 50 condoms" two girls behind me started to laugh. So I turned around, looked them straight in the eyes and said "you know what... Make that 52 condoms."

A man walks into the store to buy condoms

Cashier: This is your third time buying condoms this week! What's your secret?

Man: what can I say, the ladies love me. In fact , Ive probably slept with every girl in this county except my sister and my mother.

Cashier: Huh. Well between the two of us we've got 'em all then!

A woman goes to the store to buy a parrot as a family pet.

As she walks into the pet shop, she asks the owner, “How much are your parrots?” The owner replies, “The orange one is $150, the yellow one is $150 and the red one is $30.” The woman asks, “Why is the red one so cheap?” The owner replies, “He used to work at a strip club.”


The woman decid...

I went to a pet store to buy 12 bees..

They gave me 13..

The extra one was a freebie.

An office worker went to a store to buy a new shirt,

the salesman asked the worker: can I offer you this Large shirt?

the office worker told him: no, I only wear excel.

I went to a pet store to buy a bird

The employee asked me, “Are you sure you want a bird? It’s a big responsibility”.

“Yes I’m quite sure” I responded.

The employee sighed and said, “Alright, but if you change your mind, you’ll have to live with that egret for the rest of your life”

I went to the Pet store to buy some exotic breeding birds

The Assistant said "have you got a Store card?"

I said no but I think I've just excited a Pelican

I went to the store to buy a ruler

then I bought another one for good measure

A woman goes to the pet store to buy a parrot

(Long)

She walks in and the merchant shows her the only parrot they have available. "I must warn you" the merchant said, "this parrot was owned previously buy a sailor and has very foul language". Well the woman, like most of us, thought she could change the parrot so she takes the parrot hom...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to the store to buy a Vacuum. (Long)

One day, I went to the store to buy a Vacuum. There really wasn't any available except for one sitting in the corner. I bought it and the cashier told me that this vacuum was special. Not only can it do stuff like a normal vacuum could, it was so powerful that I could suck in animals whole.
I ...

Went to the store to buy a Kinder Surprise, but they'd sold out...

No bueno

A guy goes into a grocery store to buy some cat food.

The woman at the counter say, “You have a cat?”

He says, “Yeah”

She says, “Where’s the cat?”

He says, “I left him at home.”

She says, “You can’t buy the cat food. Put it back.”

Next day, he walks up to the counter and wants to buy some dog food.

“You have a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This man walks to the pet store to buy a parrot.

The guy at the store says, "I only have one parrot, and he talks and all, but he has no legs."

"No legs!" says the man. "How does he hold up on the perch?"

"It's actually quite ingenious: he hooks his dick around the base of it."

The man is quite impressed and he takes the legle...

I went into a pet store to buy some goldfish.

The owner said "do you want an aquarium?"
I said " I don't care what star sign they are!"

I went to the prosthetic limb store to buy some new hands

"Two of each hand please." I say to the man at the counter.
"We're all out of left hands sir." He responds.
"All right then."

A guy goes to the store to buy condoms...

... He walks up to the lady at the register and says: "Give me a pack of condoms, please." The lady says: "Sure, do you need a grocery bag with that?" The guy looks at her and says: "No thank you, this time she isn't that ugly."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes to a convenience store to buy a pack of condoms.

The woman behind the counter asks him what size he needs.

"Gee, I guess I'm not sure." Replies the guy.

The woman tells him, "Go out around the corner and you'll find a fence with three holes in it. Stick your penis in to each one and tell me which size fits best. "

The guy walk...

A bear went to the store to buy groceries on its way home from work.

Unfortunately, because it was a bear, it was not allowed in.

The Ninja Turtles went to a store to buy new weapons. Everyone got what they needed except for Raphael

They didn't have his sai's.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young lady walks into a pet store to buy a parrot

The guy behind the counter says that he only has one and that it's a real smart-ass, with a vulgar vocabulary and a rude temperament.

The woman says that's OK I know how to handle assholes like that, I want the parrot anyway.

So the woman gets the bird home, puts it in her room, and st...

I came up with a dad joke while going to the store to buy cigarettes!

It never came back to me :(

A guy goes into a drug store to buy condoms for the first time.

The price is 25 cents per condom, so he buys 4. When he checks out, the pharmacist says, "That will be $1.08."

In confusion the guy says, "Wait, they're 25 cents each so it should be a dollar, so why the additional 8 cents?"

The pharmacist says, "Well, it’s a dollar for the condom...

I went to the grocery store to buy the grocery divider

But every time it reaches the end the lady puts it back.

My girlfriend and i were contemplating going to the store to buy some cookies

My girlfriend and i were contemplating going to the store to buy some cookies to have with our coffee and get infected with corona, or to just have coffee by itself.



In the end we decided to go to the store, because you know... you have to risk it for the biscuit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Fred and Ray go to the liquor store to buy a cheap bottle of booze

Once n the store, they discover that they only have $1.50 between the two of them.

Ray says, 'I've got an idea', and goes next door to the butcher shop and comes back with a polish sausage. 'here Fred, stick this in your pants, I know how we can drink all night for free'.

"What the hel...

A little girl was in a store to buy a Barbie doll for her birthday.

The shop owner said to her as a special treat you can choose another doll as well, Little girl says, can I have a GI Joe, shop owner says I thought Barbie came with Ken?, Little girl says no she comes with GI Joe, she fakes it with Ken.

A man went to a pet store to buy a bird cage.

Man: Is this birdcage made of nickel?

Pet Store Employee: It's aluminum, I think.

Man: So there's no nickel in this cage?

Pet Store Employee: Not that I'm aware of.

Man: So this is nickeless cage? Cool!

A man goes to the store to buy some condoms

So he goes up to the register and quietly puts a pack of them on the counter.
The cashier looks at them and says "You know, we have a special on ribbed condoms if you're interested."
The guy says "They work the same?"
"I hear they work better"
"Well alright, what the hell" and he buys ...

A man goes to a tool store to buy a chainsaw. The server sells him the top-of-the-line model, saying that it will cut through over 100 trees in one day.

The man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees but after working for hours he only cuts down two trees.

“How can I cut for hours and hours and only finish two trees?” he asks himself.

Next day the man brings the chainsaw back to the store and says it doesn’t work prope...

A psychic walks into a dress store to buy a new dress

She tries on a new dress but it just wont fit.









Saleslady: Ma'am, this size just doesn't fit you. May I suggest trying on a large?







Psychic: What do you mean try on a large? I'm a medium!

The sword swallower went to a sewing store to buy pins and needles

He was on a diet

A Programmer goes to the store to buy groceries...

.... and while he's there, his wife calls and says: "While you're out, get some eggs."

He never returns.

LPT Request: My 2 year old son drew in permanent marker all over the walls

So I took a shower earlier today and left my 2 year old son in the living room with the TV on thinking he would be ok. I come out 20 minutes later and he covered the entire living room in green permanent marker that he somehow got a hold of. As you can imagine, I flipped out and immediately ran to...

A woman goes into a store to buy a fishing rod and reel.

She doesn’t know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register.

There is a store employee standing there with dark shades on.

She says, "Excuse me sir... can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says , "Ma’am I’m blind but if you drop it on ...

I went to the store to buy a french loaf and the clerk asked me, "how do you want this to be put away?"

I told him "baguette"

A kid goes to a store to buy his mother a present

So the little boy goes to a store to buy his mother a present. So he goes to the counter and asks if they have any cookies jars? So the clerk grabs down six and hands them to the boy. He inspects the first one, lifts off the lid and looks inside. He says "nope", surprised, the clerk hands him a seco...

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms for the first time.

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms for the first time. He brings a box up to the counter and the clerk says, "That will be five dollars plus 15 cents for tax."

The young man screams "Tacks, I thought they stayed on by themselves!"

A lady goes to the store to buy a hook

..to mount on a wall to hang her coat. She walks up to the counter with it but doesn't have a screw to mount it to the wall. The checkout guy says "do you want a screw for the hook? She answers ""No but I'll blow you for that toaster."

(A version of an old Andrew Dice Clay joke)

A cow walked to the store to buy some milk...

but cows don't have hands so they can't use grocery stores or grab milk in a container. It was an udder failure.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two elderly ladies are smoking outside...

It stared raining and one of the ladies pulls out a condom, cuts the end off and puts it over her cigarette so it won't get wet. The other lady thinks this is a great idea so she decides to head to the store to buy some condoms.
When she gets there she goes to the counter and asks the cashier fo...

A boy goes to the drug store to buy some condoms

A boy goes to the drug store to buy some condoms.

'Do you want a bag?', the cashier asks him

'No', the boy says, 'she isn't *that* ugly'

A paladin and a warrior go into a mage's electronics store to buy computers.

The paladin asks for a Dell computer. The mage directs him to aisle five. The warrior asks for a Hewlett-Packard. The mage says "I'm all out of HP." The mage dies.

A blonde goes into a store to buy a TV

She immediately sees one that, when turned on, has great sound and visuals. She tells the manager, "I'd like to purchase this TV please. "

The manager replies, "Sorry, but I don't sell to blondes."

The blonde is insulted, but decides that the TV is worth it. So she dyes her hair red an...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman goes to a pet store to buy a parrot, and notices the price is only $5. She asks the shopkeeper why its so cheap

"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $5.

When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.

When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too.

When the dad gets home the parro...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The night before Christmas, a man steps into a pet store to buy his daughter a Christmas present.

An employee spots him walking around and asks if he can help.

"I want to buy my daughter a present for Christmas, but I have no idea what to get her. Do you have any pets that do tricks?"

"Follow me, " the employee says. They walk to one section with several birds, and stop in front of...

Halloween Costume.

I went to the store to buy a Dracula costume for Halloween.

The shop assistant brought out a Manchester United football shirt.

I said "You must of misheard me, I said I want to look like a Count."

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