UPJOKE

Stop Crying Jokes

Your sister won't stop crying?

You've got yourself a crisis

Why couldn't the PC gamer stop crying?

He refused to be consoled.

Dear liberals, stop crying about being called a snowflake.

In 20 years, nobody will remember what snowflakes are anyway.

My computer won't stop crying and singing about break ups...

That's the last time I buy A Dell.

How do you get an astronauts baby to stop crying?

You Rocket.

Parents: our baby won’t stop crying!

Doctor: how old is he?

Parents:one

Doctor:is he vaccinated?

Parents:no, why?

Doctor:I’m afraid he’s having a midlife crisis...

I used to be a painter but I could never stop crying...

The work was just so emulsional

Our newborn couldn't stop crying while we were watching TV

That's OK, it was only a minor distraction.

I came up with an idea about how to stop crying while chopping onions

Unfortunately, I've run out of fingers to try it with.

My son wouldn't stop crying when he spilled the last Dr. Pepper on his feet.

He was soda feeted.

Small, skinny man is sitting in a pub...

There is a beer in front of him. A macho, muscular man enters the pub, taps him on the shoulder and drinks his beer! The skinny man starts crying. The big man:

\- Oh, stop crying, baby. That's just one beer...

The small man:

\- Okay, listen! Today my wife left me, my bank accoun...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walking on the beach finds a girl with no arms or legs... (NSFW)

He walks up and sees that she is crying, so he asks "hey why are you crying? Is everything okay?"
Laying there in the sand she sobbingly says "I have no arms or legs. No one has found me attractive my entire life and I've never been kissed before."
So this guy, being a nice guy decides "I'll...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink...

When a buff guy walks in staring down the entire bar. He walks up to me, grabs my drink and downs it. He slams the glass back onto the table so hard I thought it was gonna break . I looked in disbelief and he asks "What are you gonna do about it bitch?"

I start crying from being so intimidate...

What did the toilet say to the shower?

"Stop crying... *I'm* the one eating it!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Fisherman and the Wheel Chair

Along the pier the fisherman dropped his line as he did every morning for the past 20 years. Today he saw a woman sitting in a wheelchair crying hysterically. He felt bad and went over and asked her, “Dear lady, what is the problem?” She replied, “Well, being in this wheelchair and all no man has ...

A young mother was trying to breastfeed her 2 years old crying baby on a bus on her way home.

''Oh John, come on. Not now! If you
don't open your mouth ..." She glanced at an old man sitting right next to her and whispered under her breath ''I will nurse the old man!"

But the baby kept crying and whining.

''John. Stop crying. Or I'll nurse the old man! Now open your mouth!"...

So I killed an ant this morning,

but now my dad won’t stop crying about his sister’s funeral.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Long but funny joke (nsfw a tiny bit I guess?)

One day a man was walking down the road and saw a sign on a stable that read "$500 to anyone who can make my horse stop crying" so as any person would do he went to see the horse owner

The horse owned said "i don't know what's wrong with him he just won't stop crying and crying, he has been ...

Whenever my young son cries too much,

I show him his birth video in reverse and telling him that's what happens to kids who don't stop crying.

"I wasn't that drunk yesterday."

“Oh boy you took the shower head in your arms and told it to stop crying."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After a big accident, Dave was crying "O God! I have lost my left hand?"

John: Oh, Stop crying! grow a clit will ya! See that man he has lost his head, do you see him moping?

C'mon, I wasn't that drunk last night!!!

Dude, you hugged the showerhead and asked it to stop crying.

A soap bar was trying to console another soap bar

Soap1- *crying uncontrollably*

Soap2- Stop crying, I know you're acting

Soap1- it's the glycerin

Little Johnny and His Baby Sister

Little Johnny's newborn baby sister just wouldn't stop crying one day.

Annoyed, Little Johnny asked his mom where they had got her from.

"From Heaven," replied his mom.

"Well, I can see why they threw her out!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There is a woman with no arms and no legs crying on a bench at the local lake.

A man notices everyone just walking by her without stopping and starts to feel bad . He goes up to her sits down and says whats wrong ? "I have never even been hugged" she replied. So the man leans over and embraces her, yet she still crys .

What is bothering you now the man asks, "i have ne...

A worried housewife sprang to the telephone when it rang and listened with relief to the kindly voice in her ear. "How are you, darling?" she said. "What kind of a day are you having?"

"Oh, mother," said the woman on the phone, breaking into bitter tears, "I've had such a bad day. The baby won't eat and the washing machine broke down. I haven't had a chance to go shopping, and besides, I've just sprained my ankle and I have to hobble around. On top of that, the house is a mess and...

School bullying

ME: The bullies at school stole my lunch money again.

DAD: Did you tell anyone?

ME: Yes, but they just say things like "be strong", "stop crying", and "you're a useless teacher”.

It was a dark time on the street.

War had come to Sesame Street. Big Bird lay bleeding with a piece of shrapnel sticking out of his side. As he lay there. Oscar the grouch came over to speak with him.
Oscar: How are you doing general bird?
Big Bird: Never mind that now commander what is the letter and number of the day?
Osc...

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