Spews Jokes - 13 Hilarious Spews Jokes

What is big, long, red, spews a liquid from an opening, generates a lot of excitement among people, adults get to have a big one and children get to have a smaller one, makes people wet and is usually associated with "hot", and is related to/contains words that begin with F and end with U,C,K?

A firetruck :D

Did you hear about the charismatic politician who spews a lot of hot air when he talks about his ideas?

You could say that he expresses himself with convection.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two drunk friends are sitting at a bar when one suddenly spews all down his shirt...

"Oh No" he cries, wiping his mouth. "My wifsh gonna fucking kill me!"
"Nah, Nah. Don't sweat it." pipes up drunk 2. "Jush put $20 in your shirt pocket and tell her some sick bastard spewed all over you but gave you money to cover the cleaning."
"Thatsh fuggin brilliant. I'll do that" and stagg...

A doctor offers $100 if he can't cure your illness, otherwise you'll pay him $50.

A guy sees the sign and enters the clinic hoping to fool the doctor and easily make a hundred dollars.

"Doctor, I don't have my sense of taste!" says the guy.

"Here drink this." as the doctor hands him a tiny vial filled with unknown liquid.

The guy drinks from it and immediatel...

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Three men took part in a turd-eating competition.

The competition is simple: The first guy to eat 100 pieces of turd without throwing up wins.

The first man starts eating. 1, 3, 5, 10... He pukes at 30 pieces and gets eliminated.

The second man starts off strong and eats 2 by 2, but eventually he vomits at around 60 pieces.

Th...

Two humans are walking along the street

Two humans are walking along the street. They see a sign that says "Human? Turn yourself into a giant mechanical spider that spews caustic acid for just $10!"

One human turns to the other and says, "Human, we need to do that!" The other human says "But I only have $5!" So the first human says...

Joke about a Pole in a swearing competition

A contest was set up. By who? Nobody knows.

But, the general gist was this - whoever can maintain the longest flow of cursewords wins... something.

And so, a Britton, a Frenchman, a Russian and a Pole get into the finals. Each have their own booths to psyche up and prepare for ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar and sees his friend sitting beside a 12-inch pianist.

He says to his friend, "That's amazing. Where did he come from?"
The friend pulls out an old lamp and tells him the genie inside will grant him one wish. The man rubs the bottle, and to his amazement, a puff of purple smoke spews out and slowly collects in the form of a genie. In a booming voice ...

Two men are eating chili together.

One finishes his bowl and claims it's the best chili he's ever eaten. He looks at the second man who's bowl is completely full.

First man: are you gonna eat that?
Second man: nah I'm not feeling too good.
First man: wouldn't want it to go to waste then.

The first man eats the se...

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The Pagan

A Pagan died and went to Heaven. St. Peter met him at the gate. "You can't come in here," St. Peter said.

The Pagan asked why...

"You're Pagan ... I'm sorry", St. Peter replied. "But Hell isn't so bad. Your friends are there, and they say it's good."

The Pagan was depressed, ...

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So a woman is getting on a bus

And her skirt is too tight for her to lift her knee high enough to make the first step.

She decides, hey, better not keep these people behind me waiting for long, im going to unzip the back of my skirt just a bit and see if that way i can lift my knee high enough.

Having thought so, sh...

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A starving man walks into a busy diner...

He sees one empty seat near the counter and quickly sits down. The man next to him is passed out and looks sickly, but there is a steaming bowl of oatmeal sitting next to him, untouched.

After 10 minutes no one has even brought the man water, let alone taken his order, so he sneakily slides t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old bum stumbles into a bar...

An old bum stumbles into a bar and saddles up at the bar. He slaps the bar top and yells to the bartender “Keep! Get me a shot o’ 20 year-old scotch!”. The bartender is busy wiping down glasses and casually reaches underneath the bar, grabs the first bottle his hand gets to, pours a shot and sets...

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