UPJOKE

I called the bicycle factory and asked to speak to whoever was in charge of wheels. The person who answered said they weren’t there, so I asked, “Okay, who are you?” She responded...

“I'm his spokes person."

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Asks to speak to the manager...

A sexy woman walks up to the counter and motions the bartender over.

She starts to run her fingers through his hair and asks to speak to the manager.
The Bartender replies, “Sorry, the manager is out. Can I help you?”
By this time the woman has run her fingers over his face and in h...

I want to speak to President Trump

One sunny day in late January 2021 an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench.  He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Trump." The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir,...

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client.

"Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news."

The art collector replied, "You know, I've had an awful day, Jack, so
let's hear the good news first."

The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed
me that she has invested only $5,000 in two very n...

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I've realised that I can speak to the dead

A shame really, since they can't hear me for shit

When future autonomous cars are connected on a network and speak to eachother, they won't need turn signals anymore.

... So BMW owners will have to figure out some other safety system to just not use.

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Guys with big dicks can talk to women. Guys with small dicks will speak to each other. What about guys with medium dicks?

They can talk to ghosts.

I asked a linguist, "I'd like to speak to my cat. Can you teach me how?"

"For starters," she said, "the h is silent."

I told my pregnant wife that her not letting me speak to the baby is a mean thing

she told me to stop doing it while I'm going down on her

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The more I speak to my therapist

the more I realise that he might not actually be real.

An FBI agent was called in to speak to the manager of a bank that had been robbed three times in a row by the same guy.

He asked what kind of distinguishing things can you describe about this man? Height, weight, distinguishing tattoos, clothes?

The manager said, "what I noticed was that he seemed to be better dressed each time."

People keep telling me to speak to someone about my mental issues

I do! I talk to myself all the time!

My wife didn't speak to me for 3 days last week and I haven't got a clue what I did to cause it.

Which is a shame because I'd like to do it again next week.

I need to speak to your manager,

because I don't be Karen what you have to say.

Why does nobody wants to speak to the manager anymore?

... they're all in karentaine.

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This really hot chick walks up to the bartender and says in a sexy seductive voice, "May I please speak to your manager?"

He says, "Not right now, is there anything I can help you with?" She replies, "I don't know if your the man to talk to...its kind of personal..." Thinking he might get lucky, he goes, "I'm pretty sure I can handle your problem, miss". She leans in and starts running her fingers through his beard and...

Have you ever wondered if zits are just God trying to speak to you in Braille?

Mine say, "Nobody will ever love you."

Caller: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wun?

Operator: Yes, you can speak to me.

Caller :No, I want speak to Annie Wun!

Operator: Yes I understand you want to speak to anyone. You can speak to me.Who is this?

Caller : I'm Sam Wun. And I need to talk to Annie Wun! It's urgent.

Operator: I know you are someon...

Why couldn't the apple speak to the orange ?

because he didn't know Mandarin

When people speak to God it's called praying...

And when God speaks to you it's called schizophrenia.

The best thing about being able to speak to 2 languages and having kids who can only speak one is that I can swear at them in one language but express love in another...

If only they spoke the 2nd language, they'd know how much I love them.

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Bill, a small business owner is at work one day and hears God speak to him.

"Bill, this is God," says a booming voice, "You need to sell your business and go to Las Vegas with all of your proceeds."

Bill is understandably shocked and when he asks God why he should do that, the instructions are repeated, only louder. So Bill, having been raised a God- fearing person, ...

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When I was in elementary school, we had this old crusty WWII fighter pilot vet come speak to my school…

He was telling us about a dog fight he was in. “So there I was in my Mustang, I had three f***ers to my right, two f***ers to my left, and one f***er right in front of me.” My teacher got red with embarrassment and jutted in, “Boys and girls, the Fokker was a kind of plane used by Germany in World W...

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A guy in a taxi wanted to speak to the driver...

so he leaned forward and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, jumped up in the air and yanked the wheel over. The car mounted the curb, demolished a lamppost and came to a stop inches from a shop window.

The startled passenger said “I didn’t mean to frighten you, I just wanted to ...

If dogs had the ability to speak to humans

We still would have no idea what Scottish Terriers would be trying to tell us.

I wish I could speak to dogs...

but it's okay because all I would get is a ruff translation

i went to a fancy dress party dressed as a globe and didnt speak to anyone all night.

I was in a world of my own

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A man burst into the Elder's tent, saying that his son had spotted a werewolf and it wished to speak to him.

The Elder had the boy lead them all to where he saw it and when they all get there, all they see is a regular wolf, standing patiently at the line of stones that marked the border of the village.

The Elder approached it carefully, eyeing the wolf. "You." He spoke, "Wished to speak to me?"
...

A man went to the police station and asked to speak to the burglar who broke into his house the previous night.

"You'll get your chance in court," the desk seargeant told him.

"I have to know how he got into the house without waking my wife," pleaded the man. "I've been trying to do that for years!"

A man who thinks he is invisible decides to get help. He walks into a psychiatrists office and tells the receptionist he would like to speak to a doctor, but has no insurance.

The receptionist looks up at him and says, "I'm sorry, the doctor can't see you right now."

An elderly man was on the operating table, about to be operated on by his son, a famous surgeon. Just before they put him under, he asked to speak to his son:

"Don’t be nervous, boy, just do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me… your mother is going to come and live with you and your family."

With the PSN down I've had a chance to speak to my children...

They seem nice

A man gifted his wife a diamond necklace for their anniversary and then his wife didn't speak to him for 6 months.

Was the neclace fake?

No. That was deal!

A Jewish man goes to speak to his Rabbi...

He says, "Rabbi, you'll never guess what happened to me! My son converted to Christianity."

The Rabbi responds, "*You'll* never guess what happened to *me*! My son converted to Christianity too. Let's pray to God, maybe He'll have an answer for us."

After some prayers, God responds to ...

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Why wouldn't the two tampons speak to each other?

Because they were both stuck-up cunts.

My wife isn't speaking to me.

A man walks into a bar,looking all bummed out, and orders a drink. After a few minutes he orders another. About thirty minutes later he orders a few more drinks.
The bartenders asks," Dude you look really depressed. Is everything okay?"
The man explains," My wife and I got into big fight. Sh...

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WWII fighter pilot speaks to the class...

When I was in sixth grade, on Veterans’ Day, they had an old RAF fighter pilot from WWII come in to speak to the class. He was a sweet little old man with white hair and it was hard to imagine him flying a fighter plane and shooting down enemy aircraft. But when he started to tell his stories his ey...

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A rude man walks into the bank and tells the teller: "I want to open a fucking checking account." [NSFW]

A rude man walks into the bank and tells the teller: "I want to open a fucking checking account."

The teller, upset, says "We don't tolerate language like that here."

The man asks "What's the fucking problem? It's not like anyone really gives a shit!"

The teller then leaves with...

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Finally, a blonde joke I haven’t heard before…

A blonde gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16-year-olds.

She notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun kicking a ball.

She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

‘You ok?’ she says.

‘Ye...

A guy was boarding a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting!" thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself!

Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his carry on bag and began penciling in the answers.

"This is fantastic!" the gentleman mused. "I'm really good at crosswords!"

It crossed his mind that if ...

Ricardo was a young Italian man.

He lived in Milan. On his 16th birthday his father Antonio, in a rite of passage, gave him a hunting rifle that was a family heirloom. The rifle had been handmade by Antonio’s father who founded the Rolle Carabiner Company after World War II.

Ricardo cherished the rifle and he practiced with...

A beautiful woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.

The woman seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, runni...

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An Englishman goes up to a Welsh farmer

Englishman: "That your dog?"

Welshman: "Aye"

Englishman: "Mind if I speak to him?'

Welshman: "Dog don't talk.”

Englishman: Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doing all right."

Welshman: (look of shock)

Englishman: Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the We...

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A Joke Walks into a Bar. [OC]

A Joke walks into a bar and the Bartender says "Wait... this isn't right."

The Joke says "Listen, quickly! I have little time to explain! You and I are but characters living in a hypothetical reality, being puppeteered by some inconceivable monster telling a joke! It's not even a good joke ei...

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A husband notices that his wife’s hearing is deteriorating, and decides to visit her doctor for advice.

“I can’t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age” he says to the doc.



“There’s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing” explains the doctor. “Simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn’t hear you, move slightly closer and a...

A Jewish man decides his son isn't religious enough, so pays for him to go visit Israel.

When the son comes back, however, he says he's a Christian now.

The father goes to his friend exasperated to explain the situation, and his friend says "that's funny, I sent my son to Israel last year, and when he came back he also said he was Christian."

The two men decide they should...

Aliens finally visit Earth.

They come in peace and surprisingly , they speak English.

Obviously, all of the heads of government and religious leaders want to speak to the aliens so they set up a meeting with our new visitors. When it's the Pope's turn, he asks: "Do you know about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?"
...

A man goes to the white house and asks to talk to president Trump.

A guard tells him that Trump is no longer president. The man then leaves.

The man comes back the next day and again asks to speak to president Trump. The guard says "like I already told you he is no longer president".

This then repeats a third day and at that point the guard asks "why ...

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A man walks by a 5 star restaurant and sees a sign on the window that says "piano player wanted"

He asks to speak to the manager, who he then tells he'd like to apply for the job. The manager brings him over to the piano to see what he's got. The man plays the most beautiful piece the manager has ever heard. He pulls out his handkerchief to wipe away a few tears.

Deeply moved, the manag...

A young Taiwanese boy asks his father a question:

(some things don't translate super well, I'll try my best)

He asks: "Dad, I heard some strange words at school today, and I don't know what they mean."

His dad responds, "Hmm... Tell me what they are. I'll try to explain them as best I can."

The boy asks the following: "What's '...

The Lone Ranger’s Last Request

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.

The Indian Chief proclaims,

"So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger" ..

"In honor of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days."

"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests"

"...

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License and registration

A couple gets pulled over on their way home. The police officer asks for license and registration. The husband apologizes "I'm sorry officer, I can't seem to find my wallet..."

His wife immediately speaks up "Who are you kidding, your license expired 2 weeks ago. I told you you have to renew ...

A woman marries a narcissist

There was a woman who married a man who never thought of anyone other than himself. His favorite thing to do was to complain about his wife to anyone who would hear. One day he went out with a mule and started complaining about his wife to the mule. The mule was so annoyed by his complaining that it...

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Someone butt dialed me again yesterday.

It seems that only assholes want to speak to me.

My wife and I were arguing last night....

.... She was so mad, she said "one more word from you and I'm not going to speak to you for a week".

"Promise?"

A man dies and is waiting to be transported to heaven

He asks Death about what happens next. Death replies "YOU WERE A GOOD MAN ON EARTH , YOU WILL GO TO HEAVEN , WHERE YOU WILL ENJOY ETERNAL YOUTH , YOU CAN DO BASICALLY ANYTHING YOU WANT , ANYTHING YOUR HEART DESIRES ". The man thinks to himself, "that's wonderful", and settles down for the journey....

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An older couple is having trouble with their sex life, and the husband is too embarrassed to speak with a doctor.

The wife decides that she will see if her doctor can help them out, so she makes an appointment.

"What's going on?" the doctor inquires. "I just saw you a few weeks ago and you were in great shape!"

"Oh it's not for me," she tells him. "It's my husband, he's been having trouble becomin...

Killing Time.

Lads if you are bored! Phone up women's rights groups...

And ask to speak to the man in charge.

A couple of hikers were tramping through the countryside and had lost their way…..

so by the time they arrived at the "George and Dragon", the village pub where they'd arranged to stay the night, the doors were locked and the owners had gone to bed. They knocked timidly on the front door.
A head appeared …at an upstairs window and shouted, "Go away. Don't you know what time it ...

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Pope in a limousine

The Pope was visiting L.A. and found himself not only late for an important meeting but stuck in L.A. freeway traffic. From the rear seat of the limo the Pope said to the driver, “If you don’t mind, I would like to drive.” They switched seats and the Pope steered the limo to the shoulder of the free...

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A man goes for a walk in New Zealand…

Along the way he comes across a Kiwi farmer. He stops and greets the farmer with a hearty ‘hello’ and the farmer returns his greeting.

The man looks down at the farmers dog and asks the farmer if he can have a chat to the dog.
Perplexed, the farmer responds: ‘ Sure, but the dog doesn’t ta...

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