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Little Johnny says "I'm sorry I'm late, teacher, my dad got burned this morning."

The teacher says, "Very badly?" and Little Johnny says "Well, they don't fuck about at the crematorium!"

Stop saying sorry and start thanking, e.g. instead of "sorry I'm late" say "thanks for waiting"

So I said "Thank you for your loss."

Becoming a lawyer

I finally got my test results back to find out if I'm going to become a lawyer, before I could open them, my buddy asked me to meet up for some drinks to celebrate.
After following his bad directions, I finally find the place.
When I walked in, I said "sorry I'm late, but I passed the bar".

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Husband and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

“Happy anniversary Mom and Dad,” gushed son number one, a surgeon, “Sorry I'm late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and didn't have time to get you a gift.”

“Not to worry,” said the father, “the important thing is that we're all together today.”

...

I went for my interview to be a bus driver.

I said, "Sorry I'm late."

They said, "You're hired"

You are lying on your deathbed

Your family and loved ones surround you, supporting you. You feel reassured, ready to move on, as your wife pulls the plug on life support.

As the machines wind down... you dont die. Your family is ecstatic, the doctors are bewildered. They all cry, saying it is a miracle.

Two hours l...

A guy plays golf every Sunday morning with his friends...

This coming Sunday happens to be his 25th wedding anniversary. He wants to play golf as usual. His wife wants him to spend the whole day with her. They come to a compromise - he'll play 9 holes first thing in the morning and then come straight home.

The wife is expecting him home at around 10...

I'll never forget the words of my late Grandfather...

"Sorry I'm late."

I still remember the words of my late father...

"Hey, son, sorry I'm late."

A guy was lying down on a hospital bed, waiting for his doctor to arrive

After 4 hours, the doctor arrived, all sweaty and tired.

"Sorry I'm late." The doctor said, "I had to attend my son's baseball game."

The guy replied, "It's okay doc, I'm patient."

A student busts into a lecture hall right as the professor is finishing his lecture

The student says professor sorry I'm late, do you mind summarising the lecture for me in 2 minutes.

The professor says, No need son, it will all be on the exam

A Communist, Socialist and Capitalist all agree to meet at a cafe.

The Communist and the Capitalist arrive on time but the Socialist is late.

A hour later, the Socialist rushes in.

'Sorry I'm late guys' he said, 'I had to wait in line for a sausage'.

'What's a line?' asked the Capitalist.

'What's a sausage?' asked the Communist

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[NSFW] Little Jonny's dad is called into the headmasters office for his sons misbehaviour. He arrives 10 minutes late.

"Sorry I'm late Mrs Deeny, I forgot to polish some nobs at work before leaving tonight. "

Mrs Deeny, looks up from her desk in disgust

"Yeah, I almost lost my job at the door knob factory last time I did that. To be fair they weren't too happy that I was walking around with my cock out...

In 1940 Russia, a poor man with no car was late to his daughter's wedding. He hitchhiked there with an unexpected guest who drove very slowly. What did he tell his daughter?

"Sorry I'm late. My ride was Stalin."

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This is the sickest train joke I know. Be warned.

Bruce was meant to meet his friend in a bar at midday.
12:30pm, 1pm, then 1:30pm rolls around. Just as Bruce was about to give up, his friend finally strolls in with dishevelled hair and a smug grin, "Sorry I'm late mate, you won't believe what happened to me just then..."
"What?"
"Well, I...

So a group of friends plan to go camping...

They decide that they'll all just meet at the campsite at noon.

The first guy shows up and none of his friends are there, so he sets up his gear and waits.

The second guy shows up two hours late, panting, and the first says, "Hey, I've been waiting for you for two hours! What happened?...

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