UPJOKE
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Soooo Jokes

Soooo my 4 year old nephew just told me this. He's a little nerd but it made me chuckle. Knock knock...

Who's there?

Cows go.

Cows go who?

No idiot... Cows go moo!

Yo Mamma soooo stupid ...

Her offspring doesn't even know how to finish a sen

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Girlfriend asks me " Soooo, what sounds good to you?"

Me: A blowjob

Gf:

Me:

Gf:

Waitress: I'll give you two a couple more minutes.

Yo mama soooo fat

When she jumped into the pool, nasa found water on Mars.

Your momma is soooo fat.....

she violates the social distance recommendations all by herself!

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Two guys wanna go out and get real hammered, but they only have $1

So, they go to a 7-11, buy a sausage and decide to have some fun. They go into the first bar and order a pint each. Just before they're done the pints and haven't paid yet (on a tab I guess), the one guy takes the sausage puts it between his legs, and the other guy bends down and begins to suck on i...

My chemistry teacher keeps talking about this guy "Kelvin" like he's soooo cool,

but in my opinion he is absolutely 0K.

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Pathology professor told this joke after class today. A little long but soooo worth it.

There once was five year old boy who enjoyed playing with his train set. One afternoon, his mother happened to be standing by the door listening to the boy play. She was shocked when she heard him saying,

"All right, all of you son of a bitches who want to get on the train, get on train. And ...

Some people think it’s soooo fine, that a Sweden - Denmark soccermatch gets abbreviated as SWEDEN

But the abbrevition for Finland - Estonia is FINEST!

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A priest and a nun were hiking to a monastery...

... high up a mountain. Halfway to their destination, a snowstorm slowly started. They discovered an old wooden cabin and decided to take shelter.

Inside there was only one bunk, but also a sleeping bag. So, as a man, the priest decided to let the nun have the bunk while sleeping in the sleep...

A monkey is sitting on a tree, smoking weed...

The lizard walks by, gazes at him in amazement, then asks:

“Hey monkey, what are you doing up there?”

“I’m smoking bud. Come up here bro, sharing is caring.”

So the lizard climbs up the tree and the two smoke a few joints. The lizard isn’t really used to the effects, so he gets ...

I was bullying and kicking this pregnant lady for quite some time

It was soooo awkward when she birthed me lol

Two goldfish are sitting in a tank....

One fish turns to the other and says, ‘soooo, how do you drive this thing?’

My son says this is my best dad joke ever.

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Whats the differance between a roast beef sandwich and a blow job?

You don't know?

soooo...you wanna do lunch tomorrow?

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My mom told me "It's what you love that makes you who you are"

Soooo... I guess that makes me large breasts.

A Muslim Couple decided to spend their day at the zoo.

They stopped at the Gorilla enclosure.

The Girlfriend then said, "The baby gorilla is soooo cute, I want to kiss it"

The Boyfriend then said. "No! That is Haram bae!!"

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Bar Experiment

One night a guy and some of his friends went to a bar. The guy saw a very sexy woman all by herself. His friends told him to go talk to her. What's the worst that could happen? As he approached the woman he said, "Hi my name is Jeff" with a big smile. Out of nowhere, the woman yelled out, "NO I WON'...

I listened to Winter by Vivaldi the other day...

Ugh, that piece is soooo *last season*

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Dad's gonna make a man outta you!

An old retired Major is tired of people making fun of his son for not growing up and getting a job to support himself so he makes him join the Airborne Rangers. The son is incredibly afraid of heights and certainly does not look forward to parachuting out of a plane. The son calls his dad after th...

I tried to explain what a double-entendre is

But it’s soooo hard

A teenager is feeling insecure about his looks.

His mom tries to convince him that he's a beautiful boy, but he keeps answering that she can't say anything objective because she's his mom. At some point, the mom has enough and tells him :

- You know what? I wanted to go see my old friend Sabrina who didn't see you in like 10 years with you...

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Johnny does the alphabet

Little johnny is in class and the teacher is going through the alphabet a letter at a time. She starts with the letter “A” and all the students eagerly put their hands up to say a word that begins with the letter A. Including Johnny. The teacher knows better, she knows if she picks johnnyhe is gon...

This has been seen before, but this is my favorite version.

I rear- ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Well, i couldnt believe it... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked...

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Typical blonde

Death: It's your time. give me your hand


Blonde: No! i know that if i dont touch you then I'll never die!

Death: Holy shit! You figured out the key to living forever! You're soooo smart! High five!


Blonde: *high fives*

Death: Typical blonde... Dumbass...

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God-damn eggs

It's early in the morning, and Johnny, who's ten years old, is telling his younger brother Freddie that he's going to use a Bad Word that day. Freddie thinks this is most daring thing *ever*, and asks,

"Really??? That's soooo cool! What word you gonna use? Huh?"

Johnny whispers "I'm go...

My 98 year old grandmother told us this one, in french

A man and his wife go into an antique store and start looking around. They walk by the shop owner's parrot who looks at the man and says, "Hey!" The man looked at the parrot and the parrot says to him, "YOU'RE WIFE IS SOOOO UGLY!"

Suddenly the shop owner storms over to the parrot and starts ...

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Gingerbread house (long)

Me and my good friend John went camping one time, but after we left our campsite for a walk we got lost. After two weeks of walking around the forest, trying to find our way out, or at least something to eat, we stumble onto a little meadow with a gingerbread house in the middle.

As you can i...

Two Nuns went out of their convent to do some grocery shopping

They went around the town on their bicycles and had a ball of a time, since they don't usually get to roam about and the convent was soooo boring. So of course they lose track of time wandering around and exploring the town.


>"Oh my! We've only ten minutes to get back!" said the first ...

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A Man Has Promised His Wife He Wouldn't Get Drunk Anymore

But his best friend is getting married and he decides to have just one drink at the bachelor party during the toast.

Well, one drink leads to another and the man falls off the wagon ... HARD! He's singing and dancing and stumbling his way around the party without a care in the world (or his h...

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3 friends want to work in the local mine...

They are totally inexperienced, but the money offered is good and they figure they can bluff their way in.

All 3 of them show up on the day of the interview and the first one is called into the boss' office.

Boss: So, do you have any mine working experience?

Friend 1: Sure, yeah...

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And then the fight started . . .

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'
  
And then the fight started...

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My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do yo...

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NSFW So, there's this fly.....

Stay with me here:

So, there's this fly floating above a lake at the bottom of a hill, and there's a fish watching the fly. The fish thinks to itself, "If that fly drops six inches, I'm gonna jump up and I'm gonna get that fly!"

And there's a bear watching the fish. The bear thinks to ...

And Then Fight Started.. :D

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What’s on TV?"I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started…My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."I bou...

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A lady had to walk to work one day...

....which meant she had to walk past a new pet store.

As she passed it a huge parrot on display in the front window squawked out to her

"HEY LADY! You are SURE AS UGLY!"

The woman was offended and mortified but continued her way.

At the end of the day she passed it again...

The parrot and the lady

The local pet store had a very talkative and observant parrot. Everyday the pet store owner would put the parrot outside to get some fresh air and greet the customers and the people passing by.

One day a very ugly lady walks past on her way to work. The parrot says "Hey lady! You are sooo ugl...

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A middle-aged woman saves money...

...for a plastic surgery. She wants to have a facelift. Finally, the big day arrives on her 47th birthday. It costs 5,000 dollars, but she feels like it was worth it. Her face is extremely beautiful and young again.

She wants to test it, though, so she goes for a walk in the city centre. She ...

A Conductor on a train...

There once was this guy who worked for the Railroad as a conductor. Let's say his name was Joe. Well, Joe was walking through the train, en route, collecting tickets from the passengers. He comes to car 12, booth 3. In it was a man.

So, he asked him for his ticket: "Excuse me sir, do have you...

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