UPJOKE

Sometimes I hide my girlfriend's inhaler

So the neighbors think I'm a stud when they hear her panting, "Give it to me!"

Sometimes I just wish I was black.

That way I wouldn't have to deal with all the dad jokes

Sometimes I hide my wife's inhaler....

The neighbours think I am a stud when they hear her panting heavily "give it to me!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sometimes I want to have sex when my girlfriend is on her period…

So I will lay a towel on the bed, and then lay her on the towel. And then I will go have sex with one of her friends.

-Dan Mintz from his album The Stranger

Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.

That’s how I roll.

Sometimes I use big words I don't understand

I think it makes me sound a bit more photosynthesis

Sometimes I miss my ex.

So I drop it into reverse and try again.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Y'know, sometimes I just really wanna talk shit about reddit mods.

[removed]

Because of my dyslexia, sometimes I get lost when I use public transportation.

Oops sorry. Wrong bus.

Sometimes I feel like my girlfriend and I don’t speak the same language

I say we have a “long distance relationship.”

She says I have a “restraining order.”

Sometimes I talk to myself

Me too

Sometimes i rub sand into my pubes

Just so I can make my crabs feel at home.

Sometimes I wonder about my ex girlfriends who I haven't seen in years,

you know, like has she become all fat and bloated, or has she become disgustingly skinny; or maybe someone has already found the body.

Sometimes I feel like a seal is just a neutral sea lion

Neutral

As in

Without an ion

Sometimes I have this dream about an ocean made from orange soda

It's a Fanta sea

Sometimes I read text and think, what a psycho.

Then I press send.

Sometimes I like to put the punchline first

A lot of people asked me why the line for drinks is before the line for food, so I explained

Sometimes I wake up grumpy.

Sometimes I let her sleep.

sometimes I go to a bread museum

it gets stale after going for a while

Sometimes I think I have a superiority complex...

But then I realize I’m better than that.

Sometimes I wonder how vegans survive off of what little they eat

Then I remebered vegans feed off of attention.

Sometimes I randomly shout out Bruno Mars lyrics

Don’t believe me? Just watch!

Sometimes I just absolutely need a drink before dinner.

It's an imperitif.

Sometimes I confuse Canadians and Americans

by using big words

Sometimes I say "nope" by accident.

Nope unintended.

Sometimes I Think

Sometimes I think my sister contracted Covid before it was a thing, because she has no taste in men.

"Sometimes I miss NYC so much. ..

... I'll fill my humidifier with urine." - Emo Philips

Sometimes I feel like America's infrastructure

Excessively damaged due to bad choices made decades ago and a lack of routine maintenance.

Sometimes I go out and commit crimes

Just to feel wanted

Sometimes I wonder if I'm too arrogant.

Then I think to myself “There’s no way. I’m too good for that.”

Sometimes I wish storm troopers were chasing me.

Then someone would miss me

Sometimes i just sit & run my fingers thru my wife’s hair.

It's a nice way to tell her i love her.

And also that we're outta napkins.

Sometimes I find myself just marveling at shovels.

What a groundbreaking invention.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sometimes I wind up forcing an orgasm but honestly...

I prefer to let things come naturally.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sometimes I stop suddenly when I have sex with my girlfriend.

She asks, "Why did you stop?"

I reply, "Oh, it's something I learned in porn. It's called buffering."

I told my doctor I wasn’t sleeping well. I told him that sometimes I dream that I am a wigwam, and sometimes I dream that I am a teepee.

He said, “Well there’s your problem, you’re too tense.”

I’m not always mean, sometimes I’m median. Really depends on my mode.

Statistically my range of jokes are never appreciated.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sometimes I like to look at the world and think...

...how the fuck did I end up in space?!

When I’m in Hawaii, sometimes I get sad.

It must be tropical depression.

Sometimes i wish i were a calendar

That way, I’ll have so many dates

Sometimes I wonder

Then I get lost in the park

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sometimes I ask my blind friend what something in braille says.

So I started handing him legos, and apparently all lego pieces mean "fuck you" in braille

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sometimes I like to stroke my cock.

I think he must like it too, since everytime I stop, he starts flapping his wings.


(AFAIK this is my original joke. If you've heard it before it's a coincidence)

Sometimes I wish I was a nicer person.

But then I laugh and continue my day.

Sometimes I wonder how many Egyptians...

Sometimes I wonder how many Egyptians you could fit in a pyramid...

It's probably a pharaoh mount!

sometimes i feel like the smartest person in the room

but usually there aren't people around to witness it

sometimes i think im schizophrenic

but the voices in my head tell me im wrong

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sometimes I think I was actually born on April 1st

Because my life is a fucking joke

Sometimes I forget how beautiful the mountains are.

I really take them for granite.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My boyfriend asked me if girls ever pee in the shower. I said "yeah, they do. Sometimes I do by accident."

"what do you mean, by accident?"


"relax. Sometimes it happens when you're having a shit."

Sometimes I have such a hard time remembering my favorite Celine Dion song

..but it's all coming back to me now.

Sometimes I just want to die...

It sounds like pair o' dice.

Sometimes I wish was a lawyer.

Then I wish that I was defending a Penguin.

This way I could one day stand in front of a judge and mutter the words "Clearly, your Honor, my client is not a flight risk!"

Sometimes I wish I was a Tree

So I could make a living from all the exposure I get from an unpaid internship.

Stacy: You know Tracy, sometimes I dont understand life.

Tracy: What do you mean?

Stacy: When we were a younger, we learnt to talk and to walk. At school, we always have to sit down and shut up...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sometimes I think wanking left handed is hard.

But on the other hand,

Sometimes I forget which way the sun comes up

Then it dawns on me

Sometimes I feel like Stephen Hawking in the morning

Because I can't get out of bed.

Sometimes I lay awake In bed and stare up at the sky then think

Where the hell did my roof go?

Sometimes I wanna play games with my dad

But he beats me everytime

Sometimes I over think things...

Do I?

Sometimes I wonder about suicide bombers...

What makes them *tick*?

Sometimes I wish that I was a physics Professor named Albert

Sometimes I wish that I was a physics Professor named Albert and that occasional situations would arise where somebody would come fetch me for consultation. I would burst into the room wearing a terry aerobics headband and exclaim, "did somebody say let's get physics Al?

Sometimes I wonder if the entire world is full of defensive, conceited douchebags who can't laugh at themselves...

Then I read some Reddit comments and I'm almost certain of it.

As a Canadian, sometimes I worry my country will get taken over by the US

If it did, I'd be in a sorry state.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sometimes I put toilet paper...

Sometimes I put toilet paper over my penis, and pretend that it's a ghost.

Sometimes I drink water,

Just to surprise my liver.

Sometimes I just drink milk straight from the container

It tastes better and the cow seems to enjoy it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sometimes I tell people something and.they already knew what I was talking about so tell me “if I had a dime every time I heard that “

Dude that would be a weird fucking way to make some money.

Sometimes I feel like people on the West coast are living in the past

Ba-dum tss

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