UPJOKE
anythingnoveltyelsesomethingsomeoneshopbankruptcyphotoshopconsumerismsomeplacebodegasomewhereanybodyshopperdelicatessen

Something New Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked my wife wether she would want to try something new in bed tonight

Sex

I try to teach my mom something new everyday.

Because you're supposed to learn from your mistakes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Roses are red, here's something new...

Violets are violet.
Not fucking blue.

A guy sees Picasso painting something new in his studio..

The guy says "Hey that's a nice painting of a refrigerator!" Picasso furrows his eyebrows and says "Refrigerator? That's my wife!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was having sex with my girlfriend, and thought I'd try something new

so I stopped and completely froze in motion. She asked me "What the hell are you doing?" I said " a move I saw on pornhub.. it's called buffering"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife wanted to try something new in the bedroom..

I let her put Vaseline on my dick


I came 3 times in the shower trying to get it off

For our anniversary I asked my wife if she'd mind spicing things up by wearing a catsuit and trying something new.

So if anyone wants to know what it's like to be pegged by Tony the Tiger, ask away.

In medical school, you really do learn something new every day...

...for instance, today I learned that it's inappropriate to refer to infertile people as "seedless".

My wife asked me to do something new in bed

My boss asked me to come up with original ideas.

My friends asked me to play some new music.

My kids asked me to tell them new stories.

What they all dont know is that I am a member of /r/Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You are never too old to learn something new

You are never too old to learn something new...

I LOVE YOU IN 10 LANGUAGES

English

I Love You

Spanish

Te Amo

French

Je T'aime

German

Ich Liebe Dich

Japanese

Ai Shite Imasu

Italian

Ti Amo

Chinese

...

A man told his wife he wanted to try out something new in bed that he had seen on the internet.

They started making love as normal, then all of a sudden he froze and stayed perfectly still.

His wife asked him what the hell he was doing.

The man replied, "Apparently it's called buffering."

A married couple with kid gets h*rny...

on a Sunday morning and thinks about how they can have some time to "cuddle". So they tell their son to go stand on the balcony and look if he can see something new going on in the neighbourhood.

So their son stands on the balcony and they get going. After a few minutes he yells: "Dad, dad! T...

The best time to start something new was yesterday, the second best time is right now

... unless it's procrastination, that can wait until tomorrow

Anytime I bring something new in the house my dog always has to sniff and inspect what it is..

And I realized that dogs can be pretty nosy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An uneducated man decides to give college a second chance. He walks up to the Dean of his local community college and says, "I want to learn something new, I haven't learned much and I want to learn more,". "Great, which class would you like to take?" said the Dean.

"Which classes do you offer?" responded the man.

"We have all sorts of classes, from science to logic," said the Dean.

"What's logic?" asked the man.

"Well, I can use information to assume something." Said the Dean.

"How?" asked the Man.

"Take this scenario, d...

Boys have a thing and girls don't.

One November afternoon when my daughter was in kindergarten, I picked her up after school. She bobbed out to the car and crawled into the back seat.

"What did you do today?" I asked.

She couldn't wait to tell me. "We learned that boys are different from girls" she chirped.

Looki...

The gynocologist turned mechanic...

After 20 years in the industry, a gynecologist decides he wants to try something new, so he takes some classes on automotive work. After completing the final, which consisted of a written test and a practical, he asked his instructor how he did.

"Well, you earned 150 points out of 100." The I...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pothead goes to the local dealer.

He says:
- Yo, gimme something new, something strong!
- Alright man, this is the new product in the market. replies the dealer. It's called "Light-Dark".
- Light-Dark? Why? asks the pothead.
- Just buy some, try it out, and you'll see why.

Our pothead buys the stuff, arrives at h...

History is such a boring subject..

You never learn something new.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Therapist Joke.

So something happened to me recently.
You know a shenanigan gone wrong at work.

So because of that wrong doing, I was advised to seek mental guidance in the form of a person who was getting payed to listen to me.

Yes a therapist. Duh hoy.

So I met with said therapist, in whi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A newlywed farmer stops in at the tavern for the first time after his honeymoon.

He is greeted fondly and his friends buy him a few rounds. He gladly downs them and then orders a drink of his own.

A few drinks in he overhears three of the older farmers talking.

"You see this! Mary damn near bit my neck off yesterday! I was howling like a dog for an hour!" one says...

Rob Thomas

Rob Thomas's significant other complains about needing to do something new with their kitchen counters. He responds with "Let's go to Lowe's. I wanna take you for granite."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Windows

John is arrested for breaking windows, found insane, and sent to an asylum. At entry they ask him, What do you want to do?

I want to break all your windows!

After a month they i try again and get the same answer. Another 6 months and still all he will say is,

I want to break all...

The Meaning of Life

A Redditor walks into a bar and asks the bartender

“Bartender, get me something new and fresh from r/jokes.” He chirped

“Sorry mate, all we have are reposts from the last 8 years”

“How can this be!” The Redditor exclaimed “If I can’t get my fix from r/jokes, then what is the poi...

My dauther wants a pony for christmas.

Well, usually we have duck for dinner, but this will be something new!

Halloween Dinner

\[True Story\]

My wife decided to make something new this Halloween. She made a meat loaf in the shape of a small coffin. She then placed it on a plate in a bed of fresh peas.



She called the dish "Rest in Peas."

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.