UPJOKE

Someone Once Told Me Jokes

Someone once told me that taking money out of your savings account is stealing from your future self.

Well luckily for me my future self won't be able to afford a lawyer to press charges against me.

Someone once told me to walk a mile in their shoes.

I don't what I'm supposed to now that I'm a mile away and I've got their shoes.

Someone once told me, “GO FOR BROKE!”

I’m unhappy to report that I succeeded.

Someone once told me that nothing rhymes with orange ...

I said, "no it doesn't...."

Someone once told me, "You have a tendency to twist people's meanings to suit yourself."

I replied, "I'll take that as a compliment."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Someone once told me that male cows can't poop...

I thought about it for a second before I realized; that's just bullshit

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Someone once told me masturbating would make you go blind.

I had to contain my laughter as he was facing the wall saying it.

[Request] Someone once told me a joke about Macho Man Randy Savage, but I can't remember the punchline...

Ooooh yeaaaaaaa!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Someone once told me that wearing crocs is like getting a BJ from a guy

Might feel good an all, but once you look down you realize...... You're gay

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Someone once told me that he uses a poop knife.

I told him to cut the crap.

Someone once told me Trump was the president of Canada also...

I don't think that's Trudeau

Someone once told me to get off my high horse.

A blunt and lots of lube later, I was able to do just that.

Someone once told me that I'm passive aggressive all the time

I told him to please move on in life.

Someone once told me it's okay to change your mind in light of new facts.

I used to think that.

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Someone once told me my best features were my smile and personality

If I don't have a mouth I'm fucked

Someone once told me to drink bleach to quickly clean me out for a drug test. What an idiot...

The emergency room nurse said I still had drugs in my system when I woke up...

Someone once told me that a good joke draws on an experience that everyone has in common but the subject should be kind of unpleasant.

That's why I made the punchline about banging your Mum.

Someone once told me: In English, a double negative forms a positive. In some languages like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language does a double positive form a negative.

Yeah, right.

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Someone once told me "What is right is not always popular and what is popular is not always right, think about how crazy people thought Noah was."

So I set aside my reservations and had sex with my daughters

Funny

Someone once told me I'd never make it a deaf comedian, haven't heard from him since

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How you treat the wait staff on a first date

Someone once told me that the way someone treats the wait staff on a first date is how they'll treat their significant other in six months.

So now when I'm on a first date, I have sex with the waitress.

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