UPJOKE

Someone Has Jokes

As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.

The plot thickens.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Trump looks out on the snow covered White House Lawn, and notices that someone has pissed “Trump Sucks” in the fresh snow.

Furious, he demands the Secret Service investigate. A few days later, the head of the SS says “Mr President, I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is we’ve done a dna test on the urine, and found the culprit. It turns out it’s Mike Pence’s.” “That traitor”, shouts Trump. “I’ll have him hang...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you tell if someone has an std?

Oh shit wrong sub-reddit.

Apparently someone has been shot with a starter pistol at the athletics track

Police think it may be race related

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife has been complaining that someone has been sexually harassing her at work, but I think it's her fault

Honestly, what does she expect working from home

WANTED: Someone has stolen the wheels to the police cars

The police is working tirelessly to find the suspect

How do you tell if someone has kids?

Don’t worry, they’ll tell you.

If someone has a foot fetish...

...and they cheat, does that mean they got off on the wrong foot?

Wanna know the price of an item someone has?

Break it.

What’s it called when someone has too much foreskin?

fiveskin.

During Stalin's speech, someone has sneezed

During Stalin's speech, someone has sneezed.
-Who sneezed? Stalin asks.

Nobody has answered.

-Shoot the first row!

So it happened. After the applause has ceased, Stalin continues to ask:

-Who sneezed?

Nobody confessed.

-Shoot the second row!

Applau...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When someone has dyxlesia

They have sexdaily

Someone has left a pile of plasticine on my desk

I don't know what to make of it?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I don't normally make fun of somebody's race, but someone has to say it.

FUCK the 100 meter dash. It's just a weaker version of every other race.

When someone has two queens in chess...

You know there's been cheating.


I wonder how many times this joke will go over people's heads.

Someone has spray painted a swastika on Donald Trump's star on The Hollywood Walk of Fame.

The police are still trying to figure out if it was a supporter or an opponent.

Someone has a card pin code of 7541

and now that person is feeling uncomfortable

How can you tell if someone has short term memory loss ?

How can you tell if someone has short term memory loss ?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If someone has the Last Name "Smith" then that means that one of their ancestors was likely a Blacksmith.

Which kinda puts John Dickinson in an awkward position.

How can you tell if someone has the Coronaviruses?

They have a lime stuck in their ear.

Someone has my Microsoft Office and they're gonna pay!

You have my word...

Someone has stolen my mood ring.

I dont know how i feel about it

What do you call the conniption someone has after they lose bigly?

A trumper tantrum.

Someone has stolen the toilets from the police station

Police say they have nothing to go on.

If someone has a bee in their hand, what's in their eye?

Beauty, because beauty is in the eye of the bee holder.

If someone has already submitted a joke about defensive swordsmanship...

...sorry for the riposte.

Someone has been asked

"have you ever been to Crimea?"

"Yes, but I was really small"

"How small were you?"

"So small that I went there in my Dad and got home in my Mom"

Edited: wording

Every morning after waking up, I find that someone has left a bunch of LEGO blocks on my front porch.

I don’t know what to make of it.

Ive noticed recently that I can guess what style of facial hair someone has behind their mask.

I think I might be hairvoyant

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At last, someone has written a book about herb erotica...

It's about fucking thyme

A man came home and discovered that someone has stolen all his lamps.

He was delighted.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So someone has anonymously complained that I've given inappropriate nicknames to my female co-workers

I'm not sure who it is but I've strong suspicion it might be Bitchface Bigtits....

How to tell if someone has Rhotacism?

Ask them to pronounce it.

If you find out someone has 10,000 bees, marry them

That’s how you know they’re a keeper

According to a recent article, someone has been kicking dirt on Mark Twain's burial site.

*The plot thickens.*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call it when someone has to masturbate to survive?

Self pleasure-vation

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How can you tell if someone has never seen Game of Thrones?

They'll fucking tell you.

What do you do when someone has a seizure in the bathtub?

Throw in your laundry!

Holmes, someone has put miracle grow on this freshly dug grave.

The plot thickens, my dear Watson.

As I suspected, someone has been secretly adding layers of soil to my garden during the night.

This comment has been overwritten and deleted forevermore by the user in response to the API changes June 2023.

Idk if someone has already posted this joke but... How does Spider-Man come up with such witty comebacks?

With great power comes great response-ability

What Do You Call It When Someone Has a Bad Experience With Weed?

Blunt trauma.

Someone has most likely made this dad joke before but I'm still proud/ashamed to have come up with it myself.

Man 1: Did you hear about my neighbor who jumped off a cliff?
Man 2: Yeah, it's really unfortunate, he seemed like such a down to earth guy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call it when someone has sex in exchange for spaghetti?

Pastatution

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How can you tell if someone has priority boarding on a budget airline?

Don't worry, they'll fucking tell you

I had a rough day, and I got home to find that someone has torn the front and back pages of my dictionary.

It just went from Bad to Worse.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cowboy comes out of a cafe and sees that someone has painted his horse's balls red.

A cowboy just won first place in a rodeo in a small western town. So proud of his horse was he that he rode him to the neighborhood saloon. After tying the horse to a post, he went inside for a couple of brews.

When he came out of the bar a few hours later, he noticed that someone had painte...

What do you call an old joke which someone has put on r/jokes ?

A historepost.

Someone has left a note under my my wipers to let me know that I've positioned my car correctly.

It says "Parking Fine", So that was nice of them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A store opens which sells husbands (long)

A few women think this is cool and decide to try it out. When they enter in the building, an employee tells them the rules: on each floor there is a door with a list of qualities the men on that floor possess. The women must choose whether to go into that floor to shop or move up to the next floor. ...

Someone has been spraying graffiti of what appears to be corporate ledgers all around my neighborhood.

And the words of the profits are written on the subway walls, and tenement halls.

If Arnold Schwarzenegger's tombstone doesn't say "I'll be back..."

Someone has made a grave mistake.

What kind of doctor is always on call?

An oncologist!


...


I made this one up last night but I'm sure someone has thought of it before.

A man dies and goes to hell

There he finds that there is a different hell for each country.

He goes to the German hell and asks,

"What do they do there?"

He told, "First they put you in an electric chair♨ for an hour.

Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour.

Then the German devil...

Do you ever get a shooting pain through your body like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they are stabbing it?

No?


How about now?


Now?

NSFW On a baking hot day, the Pope steps into the shower to cool down.

He is overcome by the urge to bang one out, and just as he releases the holy seed he sees a flash of reflected sunlight across the street through the open window and realises someone has been taking photos.
Furious, he gets on his shower intercom and demands the Swiss Guard find the photographer ...

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