UPJOKE

Some Old Jokes

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Jesus, Moses & some old guy are playing golf...

Jesus, Moses & some old guy are playing golf.

Jesus hits his ball out into the lake, walks out on the water then chips the ball back on to the green.

Moses wasn't going to be outdone so he hits his ball way the hell out into the middle of the lake; then he parts the water, walks ou...

An elderly woman is going through some old boxes of clothes.

She picks out an item, turns to her husband of forty years and says “Look dear, I wore this when we first started dating and i can’t believe it still fits.”

The husband replies “Yes honey, you’ve always liked that scarf.”

I found some old newspaper with clippings.

Toenails, I think.

It's my cake day and I don't know any new jokes so. Here are some old jokes I use to love as a kid

1. What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back?
Answer = A stick.

2. What does a cloud wear under his raincoat?
Answer = Thunderwear.

3. Two pickles fell out of a jar onto the floor. What did one say to the other?
Answer = Dill with it.

4. What time is it when the...

Some old men can still think fast.

An elderly man in Louisiana owned a large farm for several years.  
He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe  courts, and some apple and peach trees. 
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, to...

Anyone need some old copies of Chiropractor Monthly?

I have lots of back issues.

Two nuns are riding their bikes through some old Roman streets.

“I’ve never come this way before," the younger nun says.

The older one replies, "It's the cobblestones."

I was digging in my yard and I found some old coins

I got so excited i ran inside to tell the hooker then, I remembered what the hole was for.

Some old friends were gathered at a table outside the local pub

They were all drinking and laughing, but when a funeral procession came passing by, one of them got up on his feet and stood in solemn sentry until the procession had passed.

“I never knew you had so much respect for the dead?” one of his friends commented as he sat back down.

“Usu...

Overheard this one from some old guys getting changed at my local gym.

"So I go to the pharmacy and ask the guy if they have any Viagara. The guy there says yes, so I ask if they work and he replies 'you bet'. So next I ask "can I get it over the counter" to which he replies 'if you take two' "

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I was throwing some old stuff away

So I called my local waste removal company and asked: Can I have a skip outside my house tomorrow? And the cheeky bastard said: you can cartwheel round the block any time for all I care.

I saw 4 guys robbing some old lady and I intervened

It was not worth it, she only had $20

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Some old lady at the bank asked me if I could help her check her balance.

Turns out pushing the old bitch to the ground was a bad idea.

I was in my attic yesterday looking for some old photos...

...when I came across the present that I was going to give to my daughter for her 3rd birthday last year.

It was a bit of a shame. She would have loved that kitten.

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Hey, I just found some old 1980's copies of the TV Guide!

Or as they are now known - the sex offenders registry

Today I played chess with some old men in the park.

It was hard to round up 32 of them.

Some old college friends asked if I still binge drink

I said I couldn't even remember the last time I blacked out

A young boy was looking through some old family fotos...

...and asked his mother, "Who is the guy on the beach with you with all the muscles and curly hair?"

"That's your father."

"Then who's that man who lives with us now?"

I donated some old board games to my local daycare.

Hope those kids like Ouija Boards...

I repaired my watch with some old parts.

It's got a second-hand second hand.

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Some old folk are sitting around complaining about their ailments.

One afternoon a few older folk are sitting around outside complaining about various ailments that come with old age.

One says, "My eyesight keeps getting worse and worse as the days go by. The other day, I washed the cat, and didn't realize it was possum until it bit me several times"

...

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According to some old myths, Birth marks show where you got killed in your last life

I didn't know getting stabbed in the ass was a way to kill someone

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A guy goes up to the Yukon and wants to hear some old Gold Rush stories....

so he goes into a bar and asks the bartender if he knows any old stories. Bartender says "you best ask old Ned." and indicates towards a man sitting in the corner in a wheelchair.

Old Ned is wizened with a long scraggly beard. He has a comforter across his knees as he nurses his beer.
...

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A man in Melbourne walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of cabbage. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter...

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage."

As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, "...and this gentleman kindly o...

I'm black, and I really hate it when my white friend doesn't answer my calls. I guess some old habits never die...

White man always leavin' me hanging

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