I was digging in my yard and I found some old coins

I got so excited i ran inside to tell the hooker then, I remembered what the hole was for.

So this British geologist is going over some old land surveys ...

and he sees an abandoned gold deposit. He compares it to a modern map, and sees that it's under a mall. He decides to break in and find the gold. Turns out that the store closest to the gold is an American clothing store. So late at night, he broke in and mined The Gap.

I tried carpentry once. I started by trying to nailing some old, reclaimed wood together. I wasn't successful so instead I just though...

Screw it.

I saw 4 guys robbing some old lady and I intervened

It was not worth it, she only had $20

Two nuns are riding their bikes through some old Roman streets.

“I’ve never come this way before," the younger nun says.

The older one replies, "It's the cobblestones."

Anyone need some old copies of Chiropractor Monthly?

I have lots of back issues.

I talked with some old hippies at an organic farm the other day

They were just standing in the middle of their field, watching the tiny shoots of the newly growing vegetables emerge from the earth. And I asked them what they were watching. They replied: “This is the dawning of the age of asparagus, age of asparagus”

Some old men can still think fast.

An elderly man in Louisiana owned a large farm for several years.  
He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe  courts, and some apple and peach trees. 
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, to...

A guy was trying to sell me some old Egyptian monuments

It was a pyramid scheme

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Hey, I just found some old 1980's copies of the TV Guide!

Or as they are now known - the sex offenders registry

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Jesus, Moses & some old guy are playing golf...

Jesus, Moses & some old guy are playing golf.

Jesus hits his ball out into the lake, walks out on the water then chips the ball back on to the green.

Moses wasn't going to be outdone so he hits his ball way the hell out into the middle of the lake; then he parts the water, walks ou...

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Some old lady at the bank asked me if I could help her check her balance.

Turns out pushing the old bitch to the ground was a bad idea.

Overheard this one from some old guys getting changed at my local gym.

"So I go to the pharmacy and ask the guy if they have any Viagara. The guy there says yes, so I ask if they work and he replies 'you bet'. So next I ask "can I get it over the counter" to which he replies 'if you take two' "

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According to some old myths, Birth marks show where you got killed in your last life

I didn't know getting stabbed in the ass was a way to kill someone

I'm black, and I really hate it when my white friend doesn't answer my calls. I guess some old habits never die...

White man always leavin' me hanging

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I was throwing some old stuff away

So I called my local waste removal company and asked: Can I have a skip outside my house tomorrow? And the cheeky bastard said: you can cartwheel round the block any time for all I care.

Some old college friends asked if I still binge drink

I said I couldn't even remember the last time I blacked out

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A guy goes up to the Yukon and wants to hear some old Gold Rush stories....

so he goes into a bar and asks the bartender if he knows any old stories. Bartender says "you best ask old Ned." and indicates towards a man sitting in the corner in a wheelchair.

Old Ned is wizened with a long scraggly beard. He has a comforter across his knees as he nurses his beer.
...

I was in my attic yesterday looking for some old photos...

...when I came across the present that I was going to give to my daughter for her 3rd birthday last year.

It was a bit of a shame. She would have loved that kitten.

I donated some old board games to my local daycare.

Hope those kids like Ouija Boards...

Today I played chess with some old men in the park.

It was hard to round up 32 of them.

A young boy was looking through some old family fotos...

...and asked his mother, "Who is the guy on the beach with you with all the muscles and curly hair?"

"That's your father."

"Then who's that man who lives with us now?"

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Some old folk are sitting around complaining about their ailments.

One afternoon a few older folk are sitting around outside complaining about various ailments that come with old age.

One says, "My eyesight keeps getting worse and worse as the days go by. The other day, I washed the cat, and didn't realize it was possum until it bit me several times"

...

I repaired my watch with some old parts.

It's got a second-hand second hand.

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How about some old phone pranks?

When I was a kid we used to call people in the phone book with funny names. One unfortunate person was named Lipschitz.

We'd call and ask, "Is this Lipschitz?"

When he/she said "Yes," we would reply, "Well, if your lip shits, my ass whistles!"

Any other good ones from days of ...

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A famer was in need of shit for his fields

Shit really helped his crops grow. He put the word out and soon the three neighboring farmers arrived to help.

But this farmer was brought up right, and knew you never took something for nothing.

The first guy offered a nice truckload of shit. The farmer offered him some plank boards...

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A Midwestern Dog in Africa

A guy from the Midwest went to work in Africa and took his dog with him. There was a whole lot of new smells to sniff and the dog went away in the jungle driven by the fancy smells.

In the jungle the dog suddenly noticed that a leopard is planning to have him as a lunch. The dog thought for a...

One man goes to India and visits a Buddhist Monastery

He saw some old monks meditating around the garden but was perplexed not to see any young monks around. "Is Buddhism dying?", he thought. Right after that, he sees a young monk entering a building with some bags of flour and sugar and decides to follow him.

What he found was stunning. On one...

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Two old men are walking in the garden of their retirement home...

All the sudden, some old woman jumps out of the bushes right in front of them, swings her bathrobe wide open and exposing her naked body beneath shouts "SUPERPUSSY!!!"

One man turns to the other, taps his hearing aid and says loudly:
"WHAT DID SHE SAY, LARRY?"

"She said SUPERPUSSY, ...

A lonely man lives a lonely life

^title

He lives alone, works alone, and plays his video games alone.

Now, he has tried to make friends but whatever he does...

-he always finds a person with a corrupt heart who uses him

-a person who is outright selfish and mean knowing he has no other friends

-or...

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a pornstar entering a barber shop, sitting next to a nun

the nun is currently getting her hair done.. meanwhile the pornstar is talking dirty shit about how he would like to have sex with the nun

the nun tries to ignore those words, when her hair is finished, she says she cant do such unspeakable things as a nun, an leaves

the barber then te...

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Inner peace during these uncertain times

I heard a doctor on TV say to have inner peace during these uncertain times that we should always finish things we start and we all could use more calm in our lives. I looked through my house for things I'd started and hadn't finished, so I finished off a bottle of Scotch, a bottle of Tequila, a...

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A man in Melbourne walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of cabbage. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter...

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage."

As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, "...and this gentleman kindly o...

A man walks into a bookshop

He walks around and sees a particular notebook behind a counter that’s locked in a glass box

He asks the cashier what book that is and the cashier says he does not know and needs to get confirmation from the manager. The man asks him to do so.

Moments later, a tall, slender man with pa...

What do u call a blonde that dyed their hair?

Artificial Intelligence

(Some old guy at chipotle told me this lmao)

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When I was 12, I lived with my abusive uncle and auntie

We lived on an old farm, no animals just fields.

My uncle goes off to a market and comes back with this filthy ass horse.

Says it's bred from some old bloke's prize stallion.

Auntie loves it for some reason, coz it's all muddy she calls it "Dirty". She was a bit weird l...

I saw a post saying "Free China".

Turns out it was some old lady giving away her dishes.

Three Kids

So there's three kids, and they all are playing Hide N' Seek. The kids' names are Trouble, Manners, and Shutup. Trouble is the seeker, Manners hid in the trash, and Shutup hid in the police station. A police officer comes up to Shutup and says, "Hey, what's your name?" He says, "Shutup." The police ...

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A junior journalist is given his first article

For this, she was asked to make the best-possible artivle abut a little town near the city where the newspaper is located.

She went to the town decided to make her best with this, and even create a great article, but no one is on the streets.

She kept walking on and on, and finally mee...

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