UPJOKE

So Tough Jokes

My French teacher is so tough,

She eats pain for breakfast.

My hometown is so tough

that, when I used Google Earth so show my girlfriend where I used to live, we got mugged.

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I'm the toughest.

Three mice are drinking at a bar talking about which one is the toughest. The first mouse takes a shot and says "I'm so tough the people living in my house put rat poison out, and I simply grab it, break it up, and put it in my morning coffee!"

The second mouse takes a shot and says "That's n...

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3 days remaining - Not Nut November has been so tough for me

Every time I crave for almond, I control the urge by masturbating.

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"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. "You always feel like you have to pee.

"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet all day waiting for the arrival and nothin...

Why is it so tough to please girls?

They take classes on mass debating.

Chuck Norris's password is the last 9 digits of pi.

Chuck Norris can divide by 0.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity twice

Chuck Norris can cross a vector with a scalar

Chuck Norris is so tough he can draw a circle with exactly 100 degrees.

Chuck Norris is so badass he can find value of a variable in an expansion without fac...

Why is the rear end of a boat so tough?

It's made of stern stuff.

What is your favorite Chuck Norris joke?

**Chuck Norris is so tough he counted to infinity. Twice.**

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Military Joke

An Army Ranger, a Recon Marine, a Navy SEAL, and a member of Delta Force are sitting around a camp fire. The Army Ranger, bragging about his exploits says "You guys aren't so tough, I once parachuted down, marched fifty miles, and killed everyone in sight." The Recon Marine is unimpressed, and says,...

A drunk guy is walking down the street...

He sees this nun, runs up, and knocks her over.

He says, "You don't feel so tough now, do you, Batman!?"

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The prizefighter and the texan

A prizefighter was driving across West Texas with his wife. He said, "Honey, I've been thinking. I've always heard how tough Texans are. Here I am with a 20-0 record in the ring. I feel like I'm tough but I've never fought a Texan. It's got me to wondering."

The wife said, "Oh Honey, that doe...

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Don't mess with that mouse

3 mice are sitting together when one starts bragging about how tough he is. He says, "I'm so tough, I go around collecting all the rat poison I can find, then I put it in my coffee and drink it down!". The 2nd mouse laughs and says, "That's nothing! I'm so tough, I go to mouse traps, snatch up the ...

A grey piece of tarmac rolls into a bar

He says "I'm the biggest and toughest piece of tarmac around, and I'll fight anybody in here."

The barman says "if you're so tough, go fight that red piece of tarmac over there."

The grey piece of tarmac looks over at the red piece of tarmac and says "I'm not fighting that guy, he's ...

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A man walks into a pet shop

He asks the employee: "Show me a pet like nobody else has!". The employee thinks for am moment and goes: "Well, I do have this parrot." "Forget it,", says the man, "anyone can have parrot." "But not this one, this one is special!". The man takes a look at the parrot, sitting in his cage and the parr...

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A fresh batch of military recruits come in and meets the drill sergeant

The sergeant looks at the men and says "I'll your all a bunch of yellow bellied pansies! Are ya!"

They all respond "Sir, no sir!"

"Really?" He responds and points to the end of the table they're standing next to.

At the end of the table, a giant alligator sits in a cage hissing ...

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Three cowboys

Three cowboys sit around a campfire.
One starts to brag about himself.
"I'm so tough, one time one of my bulls got crazy but I quickly realized that I was out of ammo so I fought him with my bare hands!"

The cowboy next to him laughs.
"That's nothing! This one time I fought a pack...

So this nun is driving along...

... when suddenly a drunk staggers out into the road in front of her. She skids to a stop, gets out, and scolds him severely, making several derogatory remarks, and angrily lecturing him on how dangerous he was being. The drunk looks at her for a minute, then punches her in the face, knocking her ...

A minister had fallen on tough financial times...

So tough, that he was unsure of how he would pay next months bills, or continue to provide food for his family.

One day, in a moment of doubt, he prayed: "Heavenly Father, I am worried and uncertain, but know that you always provide for your children. Please, give me some words from your book...

A drunk stumbles out of the bar at 7am....

As he walks home, he sees a nun walking towards him. He stares her down the entire time as they get closer and closer. Right as they are about to pass, he punches her right in the face, knocking her out cold, then stands over her body and yells, "Not so tough today, are ya, Batman?".

A man has been in a bar throwing them back all night.

Since he is a regular and never causes any trouble, the bartender lets him stay well past closing time.

The bartender has washed all the glasses, swept the floors, wiped the bar and tables down, and has closed down for the night. The bartender finally kicks him out just as the sun is coming ...

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A logger and fisherman are sitting in a bar.

A logger and fisherman are sitting in a bar at the airport when the logger says, "I fall timber, the most dangerous job in the world. I'm a faller, I'm a bucker, I'm a mean motherfucker." Then the fisherman says, "I'm an Alaska king crabber which is the second most dangerous job in the world. We'r...

Two pieces of tarmac walk into a bar...

They are both arguing about who is the toughest piece of tarmac

One says ‘Oh I’m the toughest piece of tarmac I’m from the M1, the post popular toad in Britain!’

The other says ‘I’m from the M5! my road sees the most accidents in Britain!’

They continue arguing until a green pie...

An Irishman leaves the pub one night...

He drunkenly stumbles down the sidewalk, yelling obscenities. A Nun happens to pass by the Irishman and gives him a smile. The drunken fool suddenly begins to punch the Nun repeatedly. He slams her against a brick wall and kicks her while she's down. At this point a crowd of horrified on-lookers ha...

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A man and his wife are driving through Texas

As the man drive on further he starts to get pissed off because of the heat and boring desert scenery. As he goes on he gets more and more pissed off and finally he says to his wife, "I hate this damn state I swear if I see a Texan I'm going to fight him". After driving a while longer he comes acros...

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One evening a Navy Seal, a Marine Recon, and a Ranger were camping...

The Seal started boasting, "I'm so tough, I can kill a man 30 different ways with my hand."

The Recon says, "Hell that's nothing. I'm such a badass I can kill a man 50 different ways with my thumb!"

The Ranger says nothing.

Just smiles and nods and stirs the fire with his dick...

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