UPJOKE

So Tight Jokes

Covid restrictions on the NFL are so tight

Even the Chiefs didn’t show up

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A guy is constantly suffering from terrible headaches...

A guy is constantly suffering from terrible headaches. He goes to a bunch of doctors, runs any test imaginable, and no one can figure out why. One day a doctor tells him- “I think we figured out a solution, but you’re not going to like it. If we cut off your balls, the constant headache will stop”. ...

One day at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skin-tight miniskirt.

When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight that she couldn’t get her foot high enough to reach the step.

Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the ...

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Royal Union 2

Once upon a time, the royals of two neighbouring kingdoms decided to cement their friendship and their boundaries by marrying one's princess to the other's prince.

The youngsters were introduced to each other and, as luck would have it, they fell in love. The prince's father, however, wanted ...

The Captain of the Highland Dragoons goes into the apothecary shop

The Captain of the Highland Dragoons goes into the apothecary shop, marches up to the counter, throws a stretched, worn out condom full of holes on the counter, and demands "How much to have it repaired?"

The apothecary replies "Two shillings."

The Captain responds "How much for a new ...

A gorgeous blonde is trying to board a city bus...

but her dress is so tight, it won't allow her to lift her leg high enough to reach the first step. She reaches back and unzips the dress a few inches to allow more flexibility. She tries again, but it still isn't enough. She unzips a little more, starting to worry that she'll give the people behind ...

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A college student was driving through rural Scotland on holiday

When he came across an old stone pub that must have been several hundred years old. He thought to himself that this could be an opportunity to sample some of the local ale, so he parked and headed inside.

When he opened the door, however, the bar was empty except for one old bartender polish...

What did the 0 say to the 8?

Why is your belt so tight?

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I Screwed Your Mom

A young guy is sitting at the bar when an old drunk stumbles in, sits down next to him, and says, "I just screwed your mom." The young guy ignores him, but a few minutes later the old drunk leans over again and says, "Your mom is the best screw I've ever had." The young guy ignores him again, so the...

That's my wife

So, two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around a mall like they're in a real-life game of Mario Kart.

They collide, and the old guy turns to the young guy and says, 'Sorry about that, I'm just trying to find my wife. I'm getting up there in age, and my memory ain't what ...

3 women are sitting at a bar..

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde.

The brunette says, "I'm so tight, my husband can only fit 3 fingers in me."

The redhead says, "I'm so tight, *my* husband can only fit 1 finger in me!"

The blonde, meanwhile, slides down her stool.

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I can't get anyone to tell me anything about labiaplasty.

They're all so tight-lipped about it.

Jess loved to date musicians

One night, she has a date with a trumpeter. When she returned home, her housemate asked 'So was the trumpeter a potential keeper?'


'No' replied Jess 'His lips were so tight and dry. He was no fun to kiss'


The next night, she has a date with a tubist. Again, Jess returns hom...

I own a series of vending macines

You know, in parks and stuff, you can get a coke, ginger ale, fanta, etc.

Business was going really well, so well I had to hire a guy to help. Right after I hired him though, sales plummeted.

Trying to figure out why, I went to a few of my macines. The snacks were fine, but the drin...

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