UPJOKE

So Sweet Jokes

He: "I took a day off on Feb 14th". She: "Oh ! That's so sweet darling, I love you".

He: "Do you think you can help me sell 2.000 flowers in one day ?"

My girlfriend is so sweet and loving, plus she plays in goal for the local football team

She's a keeper

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My mom washed and combed my hair every day when I was a kid. I used to think it was so sweet and now I am horrified by it...

All those years, she was grooming me
Sick bitch...

My wife was so sweet yesterday, she opened the car door for me...

Unfortunately we were doing 70

My wife is so sweet

Every time she goes to a bar alone she gives me her wedding ring so I can think about her all night long.

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"Your penis is so sweet!"

Ah, it's nuttin' honey.

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My friend was smiling so sweetly at me the other day that I asked him if he was gay.

I didn't get a straight answer.

A man takes his seat at the World Cup final. He looks over and notices there's an extra seat in between himself and the next guy..

The man says, "Who would ever miss the World Cup final?”

The guy replies, "Well that was my wife’s seat. We have been to the last five World Cup finals together, but sadly she passed away.”

That's terrible but that's so sweet of you to still reserve a seat for her. The man says back, "...

In the early 1400's, a little town in France was down on its luck...

Unemployment was high, and everyone who needed money pretty much lived their lives in front of the job board in the middle of the town.

Well, one fine morning, the city priest walked to the center of town and posted a page that read, 'Help Wanted: Bell Ringer.' The groans that pervaded the cr...

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Oh, how nice (A joke from my 96 year old great-grandmother-in-law)

Two women are in the hospital. Their labor has started, but not progressed enough for delivery, so they are in a room waiting together.

"Is this your first child?" says the older woman.

"No," says the younger woman. "I have another."

"I have three." Continues the older woman. "A...

Wife asks her husband will he remarry if she dies.

Husband: No how can I think of remarrying.

Wife: Why not? You would need a partner for your bad times. Please remarry if I die.

Husband: You are so sweet... Even after death, you are worried about me.

Wife: Will you let her use my car?

Husband: Of course not

Wife: ...

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A guy changing at the gym...

A guy changing at the gym answers the phone, as he’s getting dressed, naturally he just puts it on speaker, the female voice is heard
“Hey Honey, I’ve just found this beautiful designer coat and it’s on sale for £2,000 do you mind if I get it”
The guy says “well if you love it so much then yea...

"I looked up into the sky and matched each star with a reason why I love you."

"That's so sweet."

"Not particularly. It was a cloudy day."

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Will you ever love another girl?

A girl asks her boyfriend, "do you promise to always love me and never another girl?"

The guy responds, "sorry, but I can't do that."

Girl: "W-what? So you're thinking about someone else! Who this fuck is this other woman?!"

Guy: "She looks exactly like you, but younger"

...

3 men are talking about the nicknames they give their wives.

The first guy says: "I call my wife sugar because she's so sweet"

The second guy says: "I call my wife flower because she's so pretty"

The third guy says: "I call my wife boomerang because no matter what i do she always comes back"

How Old

His wife had just bought a new line of expensive cosmetics absolutely guaranteed to make her looks years longer. She sat in front of the mirror for what had to be hours applying the "miracle" products.

Finally, when she was done, she turned to her husband and said, "Honey, honestly now, what...

Dad on his death bed: Son, I have to tell you something

Son under his breath: I bet I’m adopted

Dad: You were ado...

Dad dies

Son: Knew it

Dad wakes up: You were adorable as a baby

Dad dies

Son: Awww, thats so sweet

Dad wakes up: That’s why we adopted you

I love diabetics

They're so sweet

"I work with animals," the guy says to his date.

"That's so sweet," she replies.

"I love a man who cares about animals.

Where do you work?"

"I'm a butcher," he says.

What did one blackberry say to the other blackberry?

If you weren't so sweet, we wouldn't be in this jam!

Karen: Wait for me honey, I’m just finishing my make-up.

Tucker: You don’t need make-up, Karen.

Karen: Oh, Tucker…. really? That is so sweet of you!

Tucker: You need plastic surgery.

[My wife translated his joke for me from arabic]

A woman's husband had to go to a hospital in Sweden for his advanced sickness and the woman goes to her friend for comfort. She says to her friend, "I know he is sick, but he has been so sweet...he's been asking for pictures of me everyday". The friend then says, "that's surprising because I heard ...

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So there's this duck...

...and one day he's walkin down the street when he gets a huge craving for some donuts. So he goes to the bakery and walks in and says to the baker "hey man can i get a dozen donuts, half glazed and half boston creme?" And the baker's like "No, you can't. We don't serve ducks here." And the duck's a...

A husband comes home one day and tells his wife he found Aladdin's lamp...

Wife: Oh my god, you're SO LUCKY! What did you wish for darling?

Husband: I asked him to increase your brain ten times.

Wife: Awww, you're so sweet baby! And did it work?

Husband: He laughed and said multiplication doesn't apply on zero.

A young private and an elderly officer on a train...

A young private and his commanding officer are on a train and they're sharing a compartment with a beautiful young lady and her father. The private and the young lady exchange glances much to the chagrin of her father.

A voice from the hall announces that they are approaching a tunnel. The yo...

Three Southern Ladies Are Chatting In A Hair Salon

First lady says "I call my man Sugar"

The others a ask "Why?"

"Because he' so sweet"

Second lady says "I call my man Tree"

The others a ask "Why?"

"Because he' so big and firm"

The third lady says "I call my man Courvoisier"

The others a ask "Courvois...

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An elderly couple was having dinner at the diner where they had their first date.

The husband said, "it's so nice to be back here after all these years."

"Yes," agreed the wife, "do you remember our first date here 50 years ago?"

"How could I forget?" Answered the husband, "you took me behind that building there across the street and let me put you up against the fe...

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A man is selling berries from a stand on the street.

One day, a woman walks up to the stand and asks the vendor, "Do you have tomatoes?"

"I'm sorry miss, but I only carry berries. I have these delisious blueberries picked fresh from the bush just this morning. Would you like to try some?" The vendor asked.

"Oh, no thanks" the woman repl...

Lisa: Mom don't do the dishes! It's your birthday!

Mom: That's so sweet of you to say Lisa!

Lisa: You can do them tomorrow

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My name is Juan

Juan was the custodian at a local grade school. Everyone loved Juan. He was so sweet and compassionate with the kids and did a wonderful job. One day the principal came up to Juan and said:

“You know Juan, you care about this school so much, maybe you should run for the board of education”...

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An attractive woman walks up to the bar to order a drink.

As she's waiting on her drinks, there's a lone man sitting at the bar who's obviously had a few.

He looks at the woman and says, "Ma'am, you have the finest ass I've ever seen, and I would take a bite out of it, if given the chance."

"You better watch yourself," she replies, "because ...

Oops.... I said that!!!

On the bedside, a couple is having a hypothetical discussion :

Wife: What would you do if i died? Would you get married again?


Husband: No...how can I think of marrying?


Wife: Why not? You would need company, you would have many years to live, so you should get married....

Two young lady friends hadn't seen each other in a long time and decided to meet for lunch. Their conversation got around to their respective love lives.

Marcy confessed there really wasn't anyone in her life at the moment. Heather started smiling like crazy when talking about her new beau. "He's perfect. He's so sweet. Then last night he said those four little words I've been waiting to hear."

"What? He asked you to marry him?" Marcy asked.<...

Teacher, Why are you sleeping in the class

Teacher: Why are you sleeping in the class ??

Student: Your Voice is so sweet Mam that's why
I am getting sleep.

Teacher: Then why other people are not sleeping?

Student: They are not Listening to you Mam.

The Argument

A woman has had a huge argument with her husband and is on the phone having a long chat with her friend when she sees her husband returning home with a huge bouquet of flowers.

"Oh no," says the woman. "My husband's home and he's brought a huge bunch of flowers for me."

Her friend is a...

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Accident

A young woman's face is badly injured during a car crash. Before surgery the surgeon removes a large part of skin from her husbands buttocks so he can transplant it to her face. The operation is a success and the woman looks almost the same as she did before. Gratefully, the woman thanks her husband...

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Doggone it.

Little Jamie asked her dad, “Daddy? Can I please, please take our doggie for a walk around the block?”

Dad thought for a moment. Their dog was “in heat” and he really didn’t want to let her out of the yard. Any male dog would pick up the scent. But Jamie was being so sweet.

“Um...o...

To the Girl I Kissed Last

Here's to the girl that I kissed last…

She didn't kiss slowly nor did she kiss fast…

But she kissed so long and...

She kissed so sweet…

She made things stand that had no feet!

It's all binary

Wife: "Honey, do you still find me attractive after all these years?"
Husband: "You are a 10 in my book babe."
Wife: "You are so sweet."
Husband: "Not a thing dear, it's all binary to me."

A doctor is talk g with a little girl

The doctor says,
"You're like a honey bee!"
The little girl says,
"Why? Because I'm so sweet?"
The doctor replies,
" No, because you're dying at an alarming rate."

An Omegle conversation

Me: My dad died on this day in 2001, he called me to say 2 words before dying.
Stranger: Ohh, that's so sweet! What were his words?
Me: Allahu Akbar

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A married couple are celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary...

In the very hotel room that they honeymooned. The wife looks at her husband, drops her robe and asks him lovingly...
"Honey, do you remember our wedding night? When i stood before you as naked as i am now...what was going through your mind when you saw me these 25 years ago?"
He looked at her...

A middle aged man talked to his dad.

Middle aged man: Wow, you're so sweet to mom, you have been married for 55 years, and still manage to call your her 'sweetheart', what is your secret to your relationship, dad?

Dad: Ah, its simple, it is because I have forgotten her name.

Alphabet soup

A wife asked her husband to describe her. He said, 'You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K'. She said, 'What does that mean?' He said Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot, Intelligent'. She said, 'Oh that's so sweet! What about J, K?'


He said -- 'Just Kidd...

A guy calls his girlfriend on the phone..

- Boyfriend: Sweetie, do you know how much I love you?
- Girlfriend: How much baby?
- Boyfriend: I would go thru fire, swim in the ocean full of sharks, climb all the mountains, survive in the desert like Bear Grylls, fight with bears and lions, even fight with Chuck Norris and all of the expe...

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