UPJOKE

So Excited Jokes

Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in reading!

Dad: That’s a D, moron.

I was so excited to show my teacher my Reddit joke, but sadly she wasn't in today, so...

...the subreddit.

Why was Melania so excited when Donald Trump became president

Because she can call herself the first lady instead of the third wife

I'm so excited to finally get a dad bod

It's the first time I've ever had a father figure

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Why are Jeff Bezos, Elon Musk and Richard Branson so excited for space?

They’ve fucked almost everyone on our planet and want one last shot at Uranus.

When I heard about Russell's Paradox, I got so excited...

I didn't know if I could contain myself!

Billy was excited about his first day at school. So excited in fact, that only a few minutes after class started, he realized that he desperately needed to go to the bathroom.

So Billy raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused. Of course the teacher said yes, but asked Billy to be quick. Five minutes later Billy returned, looking more desperate and embarrassed. "I can’t find it," he admitted.
The teacher sat Billy down and drew him a little diagram to wher...

Promised my wife a flashy car and she was so excited.

You should have seen her face light up when she saw I’d strapped a strobe light to her Toyota.

Why was the skinny scientist so excited?

>!He just won the no belly prize!<

My wife is actually mad at me for being so excited to see her mother tonight....

The viewing is at 7pm.

I was so excited about how well my psychiatry appointment went

But when I got home, I couldn’t find any of my roommates to tell them

I was so excited when my wife told me she was pregnant..

It was a week later when my girlfriend told me she was pregnant where I began to stress

Sarah was so excited to be travelling without her parents for the first time

As soon as she entered the bus, she told the conductor to remind her when they reached Entebbe and soon they were on their way.

After a while, she asked the conductor, "Have we reached Entebbe?" "No," the conductor answered.

She asked again after some time but the answer was still the ...

Why was He so excited?

Because they finally dropped his charges.

All the Karen's of the world are so excited about the new vaccine laws...

They're excited to finally get a man date.

I bought Pfizer years ago and was so excited to earn millions when they announced their COVID vaccine...

Oops.... Turns out I bought Pfizer Total Landscaping instead. Oh well. Maybe I could rent the place out for a news conference?

I just bought my first oakwood theme laptop and I'm so excited.

I'm having trouble logging in though.

My boy Ron gets so excited when he sees a French car that he jumps out of his seat.

I just tell him "Sit, Ron".

Ever since my buddy downloaded Grindr he's been so excited about it

He can barely sit down.

I’m so excited right now!

I asked out my crush and she said yes!

I was so excited when my son left for college to become a clockmaker...

...Until he dropped out after a semester. Turns out, he thought studying Horology was something completely different.

So I threw a surprise bukkake-party for my wife…

She was so excited everyone came! You should’ve seen her face!

Why is Humpty Dumpty so excited for winter?

Cause Humpty Dumpty had a great fall

I’m so excited for the new Toy Story action figures!

I’m getting a woody.....

Why was the electrician so excited to go shopping with his wife?

She said they were going to the outlet mall.

I don’t understand why everyone is getting so excited about Trump’s impeachment

It’s not like it’s unpresidented

I'm so excited, big meeting at the bank today...

If it goes well, I'm debt free and can retire early. I'm so excited I almost forgot my Ski mask!

Why are meth heads so excited for Christmas?

It's only three sleeps away

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My wife was so excited that she pulled something out of her closet from 10 years ago that still fits..

"Can you believe it? After 10 years and it still fits!"

"Babe, it's a fucking scarf!"

[Possibly OC] How excited was Wendy to go to Neverland?

She was so excited that she nearly Peter Pans.

Why do dogs get so excited when there's a knock at the door?

It's almost never for them

My boyfriend looked so excited when I told him I was going to get him an escort for his birthday!

I couldn't understand why he looked so disappointed when I handed him the keys to his new Ford

I was digging a hole in my backyard when I found a box filled with gold.

I was so excited that I ran inside to tell my wife. Then I remembered why I was digging the hole in the first place.

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I asked my girlfriend if she was ready for 12 inches of dick and she said yes.

I'm so excited for 12 rounds of sex tonight!

I was so excited to be at my girlfriend's parent's house for dinner.

So I decided to make a good first impression by complimenting my girlfriend in front of her parents:

"Let me just start off this dinner by saying that I am delighted to be here with my beautiful girlfriend and her parents. Your daughter is an incredible person. She is kind, witty and, most im...

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A man is walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows. “Twenty bucks,” she says...

He’s never been with a prostitute before, so excitedly he says, what the hell

They are going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them—it’s a policeman.

“What’s going on here, people?” asks the officer.

“I’m making love to my wife,” the man answers indign...

So excited! Months after we formally parted ways, my ex-wife and I are getting back together!

Our divorce didn't work out.

I recently got so excited shopping online...

I accidentally shipped my pants.

I just found a canyon full of precious metals. I got so excited, I accidentally came in my pants.

It was quite an ore chasm.

Why are Asian women so excited about Tuesday?

It's Erection Day.

Last Christmas morning, I was so excited I ran downstairs and ripped open my Christmas present.

Sad thing is, it was a kitten.

the stranded woman and the kind indian

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes...

I was so excited when all my teachers called my work outstanding

I haven't even handed it in yet!

Why was Jimmy so excited to go to Clown College?

He got a fool scholarship.

My dog is always so excited when I wake up each morning...

It means it is her turn to use my pillow.

Why are people who suffers from insomnia so excited at the moment?

They only have to sleep 3 more times until Christmas

Blonde girl got all exited after she finally completed a jigsaw puzzle after 3 years, I said why are you so excited?

She said it says 5 to 8 years on the box...

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No Sex Tonight!

I've never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much.

And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing or why men think with their head and women with their heart.

For example… One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed.

We...

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A lucky husband

A lucky guy married a girl who ended up being a virgin. He was so excited, he went to his father in law and told him, "thank you for raising such an amazing girl for me to marry."

The wife's father replied with, "Don't thank me, thank her mother."

So, he goes to his mother in law and...

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Xmas morning finally came, and little timmy was so excited...

... We he opened his present and found the train set he had wanted. After the gifts were finished, he set it up while his mother went to cook dinner.

From the kitchen she hears him start up the train, then all of a sudden it comes to a stop, she hear her son say "alright, all you bitches and ...

I knew a scientist who was obsessed with figuring out to clone a person. One day he figured it out. He was so excited.

He was beside himself.

Me and girlfriend don't usually do anything for valentines day, thought I'd surprise her so I booked a table for us, she was so excited when I told her

Never realised she liked snooker so much.

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An elderly woman winds up in court for murder...

Defence barrister: 'Will you please state your full name.'

Agatha: 'Agatha Louise Hewson.'

Defence barrister: 'Will you please state your age'

Agatha: 'I am 94 years old.'

Defence barrister: 'Will you tell us in your own words what happened on the night in question.'
<...

Apparently I have a foot fetish. Feet make me so excited, but I'm always ashamed. I really want to deny it, but after a year of lying to myself...

I accept defeat

I was so excited. My wife said she wanted to live the life of “50 Shades of Grey”...

Then she stopped dyeing her hair.

Tom was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of the company he worked for that he kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks on end.

Finally she couldn’t take it any longer, and told him, “Listen, it means nothing, they even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store!”

“Really?” he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Tom decided to call the grocery store.

A clerk answers and Tom says, “Can I please talk ...

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As he inserted the rectal thermometer, I got a painfully hard and obvious erection.

"Maybe you should wait outside whilst I examine your dog," said the vet.





Edit: HOLY SHIT FRONT PAGE!!!! I'm so excited i almost cum in my pants! but i came in my dog instead :)

My grandfather died and I inherited some of his clothes.

He was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens.

For this occasion, my grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens o...

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An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day.

"I got you a job. It's a one-liner."

"That's okay!" replies the actor, "I've been out of work for so long I'll take anything. What's the line?"

"Hark, I hear the cannons roar," says the agent.

"I love it!" says the actor. "When's the audition?"

"Wednesday," says the agent...

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Can your dick touch your ass?

A son walks into his fathers room to find him eating a bad of potato chips. He kindly asks his father if he could have some.

His father replies “well son, can your dick touch your ass?”

The boy seems puzzled and replies with a simple “no?” and his father explains they’re his and the bo...

I was so excited when I heard that they had turned Guess Who in to a computer game, but they only released it for Macs

They couldn't make a PC version

So excited to go and watch 'the Evil Dead' next week. Anyone else going to Thatcher's funeral?

Bring 'em on! Post em all here.

A young woman was so excited to find out she was pregnant, she had to phone all her friends right away and tell them the big news....

It was close to midnight before she finally got around to calling up her very last girlfriend with the big announcement.

"I can't believe I have a person inside me right now!" she said.

"So do I," her friend replied. "Can you call me back in an hour?"

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I asked my chemo patient how she was doing as we started our visit. “Oh, I’m so excited for Saturday! I’m going with a bunch of friends to go see Justin Bieber in concert… front row!” Flabbergasted, I replied, “What?! Why would you do that? COVID is at all-time highs…

…and probably 1 in 5 people around you in that place will be transmitting with every breath they take. And all that screaming and singing!”

Cheerfully, she replied, “oh that should be no problem, right? After all, you said I have a weekend immune system!”

Starting Early

There was a little girl named Suzy and she liked to play with one of the little boys in her neighborhood named Jack after school. One day, Suzy comes home ecstatic and her mother asks, "Suzy, why are you so excited?". Suzy replies "I was playing with Jack and he said he'd give me a dollar if I climb...

Knock, knock..

\-Who’s there? Woo.

\-Woo who? Don’t get so excited, it’s just a joke.

the cursed prince

there was once a prince who had been cursed by a witch. the curse was that he could only say one word each year

well one day, by the stream, he meets a beautiful princess. he decides that he loves her, and doesn't speak for 3 years so that he can save up the words to tell her " I love you"....

A baby is born with no arms or legs and no torso. In fact he is just a head. But his parents loved and adored him and cared for him all through his childhood..

When he turned 18 his dad took him down to the local pub for his first pint of beer. He took his first sip and “whoosh” his torso appeared. He took a second sip and his arms and legs appeared.

He was so excited he stood up and ran outside into the road where he was knocked over by an...

Prom

Prom was approaching at Central High School, and Doug needed a date. He got the nerve up to ask a popular and pretty girl, Susan, to prom. To his surprise, she said "yes." He was so excited, he went to a tuxedo shop that day to secure his rental. There was a very long line, as many other boys were r...

Spring is here...

I'm so excited, I soiled my plants.

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All the sperm cells are getting ready for that moment when they would race down and be the first to impregnate the egg.

The day finally come, they felt vibration and began racing down the shaft. The cell in first place is so excited he could almost see the end. Then all of a sudden, he turns around, waves at everyone behind him and yells, "Turn around, turn around, it's a blowjob!"

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[nsfw] A girl visits the doctor with a large H shaped mark on her breasts

The doctor was surprised and asked her how it happened. She replied "My boyfriend got into Harvard and was so excited he made love to me in his sweater". The doctor gave her a cream and told her to apply for a few days and the mark will disappear.

The next day, another girl came in with a Y ...

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