UPJOKE

So Bad Jokes

"Siri, why am I so bad at relationships with women?"

"This is Alexa."

Inflation in the US is so bad right now that…

- My friend received a predeclined credit card in the mail.
- CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
- Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
- McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
- Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
- Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned ...

Why are women so bad at parking?

Because they've been lied to about what 8 inches look like their whole lives.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This is my absolute favorite "so bad it's good" joke

A man went to the doctor with a horrible itch in his ass. After an examination, the doctor gave him his diagnosis:

\- You have an enormous tapeworm in there. This is not a matter of normal treatment, so my advice to you is to insert a boiled egg in your anus followed by a gummy bear. Call me ...

My jokes are so bad

Amy Schumer bought them for her new routine.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I remember when bandwidth was so bad, your porn was limited to downloading compressed folders of images over modems.

Sigh... * unzips *


Note: if this joke hasn't been made before, y'all are slacking. ;)

EA's microtransaction policy is so bad that...

[This punchline is locked. Please pay 20,000 credits to unlock]

If smoking is so bad

Why does it cure salmon?

I asked my phone "Siri, why am I so bad with women?"

She said "I'm Alexa you moron."

Inflation has got so bad..

that pi is now best approximated to 5.2

Why are Americans so bad at League of Legends?

because they can't protect their towers

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sometimes the forwards from Grandma aren't so bad.

It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was g...

Why does Piglet smell so bad?

Because he plays with Pooh

Why are women so bad at backing up their vehicles?

Because we're constantly lied to about how long 6 inches is.

Why are bacteria so bad at maths?

Because they multiply by dividing.

Why was Cinderella so bad at soccer?…

She kept running away from the ball!…

(This has probably already been posted on here, but I don’t really know, so I’m just going to post it…)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why are blind people so bad at masturbating?

Cause they never see it coming

My ADHD is so bad

When the doctor ordered a blood test I failed it.

Recession has got so bad , I have a friend who used to live in a spare tyre ….

Then he got a puncture, now he lives in a flat

I'm so bad at sledding...

I'm not even entirely sure where I go wrong. I walk up to the top, I get on my sled, and it all goes downhill from there.

Why is Kim Jong-un so bad?

He has no Seoul

Why was Cinderella so bad at Soccer?

She kept running away from the ball.

Why Are Pigs So Bad at Cookin?

...because they're better at bacon!

Why are prisoners so bad at socializing?

Because they're in cells.

Why do French ghosts smell so bad?

Zay are, ow you say, "covered in sheet".

My handwriting is so bad

That google uses it for captcha.

Donald Trump's Thesaurus is so bad...

it's also bad.

Arthur is 75 years old. He’s played golf every day since his retirement 15 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. “That’s it,” he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldn’t see where it went.”

His wife sympathises and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try.”

“That’s no good,” sighs Arthur, “your brother is 85. He can’t help.”

“He may be 85,” says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.”

So th...

Why do billionaires want to go to space so badly?

Because guillotines require gravity to operate.

Your father in law is so bad at chess...

he traded a queen for a horse.

Why does /r/fencing suck so bad?

Half of it is ripostes

“It’s no good, it’s over” said Julie. “You are so bad in bed.”

“Oh come on,” said the man affronted, “how can you tell
after 15 seconds?”

Why are the men in Finland so bad in bed?

Because they’re always finnish first

Inflation is so bad right now ..

That a picture is now worth 2000 words.

Lawyers are so bad at what they do

That their career is literally called practicing law.

Why are orphans so bad at poker?

They don't understand the term "full house".

My Wife's cooking is so bad

If you left Dental Floss in the kitchen



The Roaches would hang themselves!

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Why are discount cards so bad at scraping ice off a car?

Because you only get 10% off

Why are crabs so bad at sharing?

Because they're all shellfish.

Why is the internet so bad in outer space?

It’s 0 g

Why are dad jokes so bad?

Because the punchline is always apparent

Why was Cinderella so bad at sports?

Because she had a pumpkin for a coach.

I finally figured out why I look so bad in pictures.

It's my face.

Things have gotten so bad lately, I broke down crying to “only god knows why”

I’ve officially hit Kid Rock Bottom

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Things have gotten so bad in The US that during the last parade they surrounded Donald Trump with bullet proof glass.

Just because he's a White guy with mental health issues doesn't mean he's gonna start shooting up the crowd

The allergies from pollen are so bad this year...

drug addicts are converting their meth back into Sudafed.

Why was the horse comedian so bad at stand-up?

He kept forgetting his bit!

Everybody picks on me because apparently my “memory is so bad”

But I cannot remember the last time I forgot something.

Cryptocurrency is crashing so bad . . .

that I heard ransomware gangs are demanding payment in rubles!

People are so bad at basic math

I heard that over 4526% of people don’t even understand percentages.

Why are women so bad at carpentry?

*Holds hand in the air with fingers about 4 inches apart.*

Because men keep telling them this is eight inches.

Russian leadership has gotten so bad that even mystics are mocking it

They razz Putin.

Why do farts smell so bad?

So deaf people can appreciate them too

His Married Life Was So Bad...

...on his deathbed he said that he wished he'd spent more time at the office.

“Why was the pizza man so bad at telling jokes?

Because he always messed up the delivery.

Yo momma cooks so bad...

The flys all chipped in and fixed the screen door.
>we're here all night, don't forget to tip your waiter!!

Why are women so bad at parking?

Because they are constantly told nonsense about what 20 cm\* is like.

\* about 8 inch.

The economy is so bad

The economy is so bad, if the bank returns your check marked "insufficient funds" you call & ask if they meant you or them.....

2022 is going to be so bad

Betty White didn't even want to try it.

Why are calendar puns so bad?

Because they are always so week and dated

Little Johny failed fourth grade so badly that the school put him in third grade

He failed third grade even worse that they had to put him in second grade.

Upon hearing the news that he failed second grade even more spectacularly and had to be demoted to first grade, his dad whispered to Johny's mom:

Tighten your underwear, he is coming back !!

Why are DJs so bad at fishing?

They always drop the bass

Why was the bird so bad at picking up chicks?

Because he had a small pecker

Why is Microsoft so bad at writing music?

Because they can only use OneNote!

Yo mama's teeth are so bad

That when she smiled to the cashier at walmart, the barcode scanner picked it up as a set of saucepans

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Adolf Hitler wasn't so bad...

I mean he did kill Hitler.

the vacuum cleaner in my dorm is so bad..

i would say it sucks but it can’t even do that

American healthcare is so bad...

that after a doctor's visit the insurance company has to send you an *explanation of benefits*.

Why are Americans so bad at chess?

They already lost two towers.

The economy is so bad

ExxonMobil just laid off 25 Congressmen.

Why is Jesus so bad at hockey?

Why is Jesus so bad at hockey?

He always gets nailed to the boards!

He’s a good goalie though, because JESUS SAVES!

Why was smoking weed so bad in 500 A.D.?

Because you’d get stoned.

Why was the cheetah so bad at hide and seek ?

No matter where she hid, she was always spotted.

Why are Democrat robots so bad at dancing?

They were built with bad Al-Gore-rhythms.

I once knew a guy with teeth so bad

His calculus had advanced to trigonometry.

Why are Dubstep musicians so bad at making pizza?

Because they always drop the base!

Why are Karen's so bad robbers?

Because they don't wear a mask

My healthcare is so bad...

...I can't even afford Dr. Pepper

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You're so bad in bed that...

Your sex tape would be a vine.

Why ghosts are so bad at lying

Because you can see right through them

Asians are so bad at driving

That I think Pearl harbour was an accident.

Why are dogs so bad at dancing?

Because they have 2 left feet.

The last Airbender was so bad that

Aang had a permanent downvote drawn on his head.

I watched an episode of America's Most Wanted last night that scared me so bad I'm afraid to even go outside now.

I'm afraid someone is going to recognize me.

People are making depression so bad

Back then it used to be Great

Why is Mexico so bad in the olympics?

Because anyone who can run, jump, or swim is already in the USA.

My financial situation is so bad....

...... I'm being sponsored by a child in Africa

Things are so bad in the U.S...

...that I bet the EU could protect the rights of U.S. citizens better than the U.S. government can.

What's so bad about stalking?

How else do we get corn?

Why are orphans so bad at baseball?

Cause they can never find home

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and a woman were dating. She, being of a religious nature, had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so badly. In fact, he had never even seen her naked.

One day, as they slowly drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits. "I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit [60 MPH] you drive, I'll remove one piece of clothing."

He enthusiastically agreed and sped...

I took golf lessons from a pro, because my swing was so bad

He asked me to hit a few shots with my driver, a 5 wood, the 3, 5, and 7 irons

He said, “I see your problem. You are standing too close to the ball, after you’ve hit it.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The recession is getting so bad...

wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.

God help me if this is a recent repost, but it's so bad it's good.

A boy named Carol had a particularly rough childhood because of his uncommon name. He always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school. Eventually, he overcame his hang-up and married his high-school sweetheart.

When their first child was born, he let his wife name her.

She named the ba...

Why is coronavirus so bad in India?

Because there are Sikh people.

If the world war was so bad

... why was there a sequel?
Check mate athiests

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My luck is so bad that..

If it was raining pussy I’d get hit by a dick.

Why is Chubby Checker so bad at telling jokes?

Because when there's a twist it doesn't surprise anybody.

Honestly getting a concussion wasn’t so bad.

It hurt when it happened but I barely remember it now.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is china so bad at cricket?

They eat all the fucking bats

Hell cant be so bad.

Enough people are dying to get there.

My English is so bad

... I once fell down a good.

The international recognition of Jewish sovereignty is so bad...

...that they have to name their country "It's real" to remind everyone that it exists.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My sex life is so bad...

Last night I tried to masturbate and I got friendzoned.

I feel so bad for homeless LGBTQ people

They have no closet to come out of

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My sex life is so bad,

even my wife calls it my wank life.

Some what not so bad joke...

Do you know why you should never fight a dinosaur?

Because you'll get JURASSKICKED!

Do you know why you should never fight a giraffe?

Because you'll get GIRAFFEKICKED!

Do you know why you should never fight a dog?

Because you're... probably gonna get bit...

If we want to flatten the curve so bad

Then why don't yo mama sit on it

This girl have me the Clap so bad..

...my doctor called it an applause.

(Original corny joke) Why are Israelis so bad at poker?

Because they have so many Tels!

Why are snakes so bad at playing hide-and-seek?

Because of their inability to count.

Why are Christmas trees so bad at sewing?

They keep dropping their needles!

Our soccer team is so bad that our opponents hit the bar three times in the first half of today’s match.

They could have at least waited till the end to celebrate.

Why is Cinderella so bad at football?

A. Because she's got a pumpkin for a coach

B. Because she keeps running away from the ball

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