UPJOKE

Smarter Than Jokes

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd grade class. The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Principal: 6+6.

Boy: 12.

The boy got all the questions right. The principal told the Madam to send ...

The stomach is smarter than the brain.

Because the stomach warns you when it is empty, the brain does not.

I am smarter than George Jetson

Because unlike him, I wasn't born yesterday

I read that machines will be smarter than humans.

Hell, I already have screw drivers that are smarter than some humans.

Why are Chernobyl residents smarter than the average person?

Because 2 heads are better than one.

Doctors are not smarter than engineers...

An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic: "A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail."

A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.

Doctor: "...

How do you know if you’re smarter than a Buzzfeed reader?

Click here to find out!

I don't think girls can get smarter than this...

There were two twin sisters, one of them was known for her Mathematical skills (SM), and the other one for her Logical skills (SL). On their way home from a late night party, it is getting dark and they are still far away from home.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for th...

Marie Curie was a brilliant physicist but Einstein was exponentially smarter than her.

E = M.C.²

I'm smarter than Einstein, Hawking, Da Vinci and Aristotle combined...

cuz ther al ded

There are two types of people in this world: Those who are smarter than the dumbest person alive...

and you

A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud toward him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?" The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefu...

My dog is smarter than your dog

A couple of dog owners are arguing about whose pet is smarter.
“My dog is so smart,” says the first owner, “that every morning he waits for the paperboy to come around. He tips the kid and then brings the newspaper to me, along with my morning coffee.”
“I know,” says the second dog owner.
“...

When I was younger I thought wearing glasses meant you were smarter than everyone else...

...now I realize those are the people who would get killed in the wild.

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What starts with “f” and ends with “k”?

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her more precocious students. The teacher asked, “Harry, what exactly is your problem?”
Harry answered, “I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she! I think I should be in the 3rd gra...

My little brother just said my IQ is 0 and that he is 300,000 times smarter than me

300,000×0 = 0

What do you call a friend who's smarter than you?

Bud-Wiser!!


What do you call a friend who's dumber than you?
Four Loko !!

I hate people who are smarter than me.

That's why I hate everyone.

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish Garda.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer, from London, and is certain that he has a better education than any paddy cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Garda's expense..!!

Irish Garda says," License and registration, please."

London...

True story

So my friend and I were at his place and for some reason argued about who was smarter than the other, so we decided to do an online IQ test.

He went first, as he was sitting at the computer, while I looked on. He scored an impressive 120. Then it was my turn: 121.

There was a moment of...

What do you call a blonde smarter than your average blonde ?

A bottle blonde .

What's smarter than a talking bird?

A spelling bee

Why was the thermometer smarter than the graduated cylinder?

Because he had more degrees.

One salad: $3, three salads: $10!

At the market place, a seller advertises "1 salad for $3, 3 salads for $10".

A customer passing by stops and speaks with the seller:

-That's not right!

-What do you mean?

-Well, that's not an offer: 3 salads cost $9.

-No, sir, it says here that 3 salads cost $10.<...

What's smarter than a dog, but dumber than a cat?

Their owner.

Why are men typically smarter than women?

They come across more things.

A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.

Canadian person was smarter

Kids are smarter than adults

I believe that kids are much smarter than adults.
Why?
Because I don't know one kid who has a wife and a family.

Cavemen were smarter than we think.

Do you know why cavemen dragged their women around by the hair?
It was so they wouldn't fill up with rocks.

FOX is adapting a mash-up of Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire and Are you smarter than a 5th grader for Bangladesh.

They're calling it, Who Wants to Marry a 5th Grader

A boy has a question about God

Sorry if this has been posted before. I just heard it and I’ve never seen it on here before.

There was a boy that had a question about God. He goes to his local priest to see if he has an answer. The boy presents the question and the priest is completely at a loss of words. The question is s...

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A London lawyer runs a stop sign..

And gets pulled over by an Irish cop. This hotshot sure knows he's better educated and definitely smarter than some random Irish cop. He decides to prove to himself how smart he is while having some fun at the cop.

Irish cop:"License and registration, please."

"What for?", lawyer asks....

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A blonde girl in second grade comes home one day really excited with a large grin on her face,

Running to her mother she says, "Mom!! mom! Today the teacher asked what letter comes after S, and i was the first in class to say T! Is it because I'm smarter?" Her mom sighs, "Yes honey."

The very next day she runs home from school and with a large proud smile on her face she tells her moth...

Two Blonde Revenge Jokes

\#1

3 blondes are walking on the beach and find a bottle with a genie in it. Genie says he can only grant 3 wishes, so they each get one. First blonde wishes to be 50% smarter than she is right now, genie turns her hair light brown. Second blonde wishes to be 75% smarter than she is right no...

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Girlfriend didn't want to give me any.

Last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. As our passion began to heat up she said, "I don't feel like it. I just want you to hold me." I said, "WHAT?! What was that?!" She said, "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as ...

My kindergarten daughter asked me a question,

so I answered her back In confidence with the correct answer. She asked me “how I knew that”, so I answered her that “I knew everything.” This infuriated my daughter and she told me there were people out there that knew more than me. I was shocked and told her “I didn’t know anyone smarter than m...

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A Tale From The Old West . . .

"An old woman walked up and tied her old mule to the hitching post.

As she stood there, brushing some of the dust from her face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

He looked at the woman and laughed, "H...

A billionaire throws a party for the whole town....

A billionaire throws a party for the whole town. He has everything a billionaire could possibly have including: tennis courts, go cart track, mini-golf, private airplane, and a huge mansion. The main attraction however is the biggest swimming pool you've ever seen, and inside that pool, the worlds ...

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prize winning pig [long]

The Johnson brothers have had longstanding rivalry with fellow farmers the Taft brothers for a decade. The Taft brothers constantly show them up, and Billy (the oldest) decides he's finally had enough, and this year they are going to win the prize for biggest pig at the county fair. He comes up with...

3 blondes trying to cross a river

3 blondes are trying to cross a river.

The first blonde prays to god and asks to be more intelligent so she can cross the river. God agrees and makes her a brunette so she swims across the river.

The second blonde prays to god and asks to be even smarter than the last so she can cross ...

A Russian joke

An American, a Serbian, a Russian and a Greek are stuck in a falling airplane. There are only three parachutes there.

The American says “I am from the most important country. Let me jump, I am important.” The Serbian gives him a parachute and the American jumps.

Then the Greek says “I ...

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A teacher in 1st grade at school is angry with a student that always swears and pays no attention to the lesson

"what's your problem?" Teacher asks

"Miss, I think I shouldn't be in the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm far smarter than her. I should be at least in the 3rd grade" he replies.

She goes with him to the principal, with whom agree to do some knowledge tests.

-wha...

3 blonde girls is at the side of a river

And they're trying to get to the village on the other side

1 blond girl ask god to make her smart,so god turn her into a brunette and she swims across the river

the other girl ask god to make her smarter than the girl that just swam,so god make her into a redhead and she built a raft a...

Back in time

Stop me if you heard this joke:

Jimmy magically traveled back in time hundreds and hundreds of years.

He walked around the village feeling very superior to these uneducated and backward people. Saw them practicing with bows and arrows, riding horses, etc.

He walked up to the me...

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I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup ...

And shit out a statement smarter than the one you just made.

Three blondes are trying to enter a police academy.

In order to do so, they have to pass an entrance exam.

The examiner takes the first blonde into a secure room and shows her a picture for ten seconds, and then asks: “If this was your suspect, how would you remember him?”

“Easy,” the first blonde responds. “He only has one eye!”
...

The human race could never stand against the robot revolution when it happened.

They kept coming back stronger.

The first wave was weak, so they were killable.

The second edition of the robots was strong but still somewhat bearable.

The third mark was slow, so they could be outran.

The fourth grade was dumb, so they were outsmartable.

But nob...

Not my joke but my 5 year old sister's

Mom is cooking up some mac and cheese for my little sis and says," Come get your macaroni and cheese."
To which my sister replies," I said I want mac and cheese, NO Caroni!"

My 5yr old sis is smarter than me

There are 3 blondes stranded on an island.

3 blondes are stranded on an island, they rub a magic lamp and a genie pops out to grant each one wish

The first blonde says "I wish I was smart enough to make my way off this island." She turns into a red head and swims off the island

The second one says "I wish I was smarter than her...

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Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks.

Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:

Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blended Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the buttocks.<...

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An incredibly wealthy genius loves riddles.

Bored with being smarter than anyone he meets the man decides to offer his fortune to anyone who is able to stump him with a question or riddle. Thousands of people come to try and trick the man and without effort he answers every riddle and piece of trivia he is challenged with.
Finally an old...

I finally understand why parents don’t want their kids to get vaccinated. It all comes down to fear. Fear that their child is

going to definitely end up smarter than them.

The zipper long

A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down.
A lady cashier walked up to him and said, 'Your barracks door is open.'

Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled.
When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said,
'Your fly is open..' He...

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Some tidbits for your pleasure

I'm wearing the boxers with the little hearts all over them tonight....
It's probably not a good night to go to jail.

Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.

Probably should not have driven home from the bar last night.. especially considering I walked...

A mother went to visit her son

Mothers are smarter than you think they are ..... 

  
A Mom went to visit her son, Jack, for dinner and found that he had a girl by the name of Tammy for a roomate ... 
  
During the course of dinner, Jack's mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Jack's housemate was and the moth...

Detective Interviewing for a Future Disciple

Before you read: When I say "profile picture" I mean a picture of someone facing the left or the right rather than directly at the camera.

A Detective needs someone to work under him, so he decided to do tryouts and it came down to 3 people. The Detective interviewed each of the future discip...

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There's a new helper on a construction site.

As he has very little experience, he is given to a mean old fitter. All day long the old fitter is, pick up the crap, bring me my wrench, and the kid gets fed up and said "what makes you so special, why you have to tell me what to do all the time?" The fitter says, "because I am smarter than you", "...

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Goldfish, man, you made me so happy, I'll do anything for you...

This is long, so bear with me.
So I was fishing at this pond close to home, see. And all day I was fishing, with nothing biting. Just as the sun was setting, something was finally tugging and wouldn't you know, the most brightly coloured gold FISH(!) was at the end of my fishing string. And w...

The imgur community is essentially the reddit community's younger sister

She likes to think that she's edgier and smarter than you are, but she's really just obnoxious, pretentious, rude, and offensive

Abracadabra

A blonde, brunette, and a red are frolicking on the beach when the blonde suddenly trips over a bottle in the shape of a phallus.

Blonde: What is this? What do we do with it?

Red head: We're supposed to rub it silly!

So they huddle around the bottle and using both hands they all...

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Pay your dues on time...

Legend says that one of the Mogul King Akbar’s wives, Mariam, was a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Raja Todermal was obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Raja Todermal revea...

Dumbass Miner

There were two miners were working in a mine. On top there is an office.

Miner A asks Miner B: Why do we have to work in these dirty mines while those guys up there sit in an fully air-conditioned office in their fancy chairs and expensive computers.
Miner B: Because they are smarter than ...

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Couple of men are digging a ditch

When one of them finally gripes to the other and says "Why we have to dig this ditch when the Billy over there does nothing all day." The second man says "yeah, that's bullshit, I'm gonna go talk to Billy.". So he goes to Billy and says "Why do we have to dig this ditch all day while you stand aro...

Three blondes are lost after a shipwreck...

After the shipwreck, they wake up at a deserted island. They don't know what to do, tired and hungry, when one of them find a shining object lying on the beach. It is a golden lamp.

After a couple of hours, one of the blondes has the idea to rub the lamp. Surprisingly, a genie appears. "You h...

It keeps the hot things hot, and the cold things cold

One morning, Boudreaux pulled up to Thibodeaux's house to give him a ride to work. As Thibodeaux got in the rusted, beat up truck he noticed Boudreaux's Thermos on the seat between them.

*"What's dat?"*, he asked, pointing at the Thermos.

*"Oh, dat der's a 'termos I gots at da Walmarts...

three men were on a road trip when their car broke down

they walked a mile and found a farm and decided to ask the old farmer if they could crash. the farmer was a kind man and decided to let the men stay, as long as they didn't touch the three hot daughters. later that night none of the men could help themselves and decided to go for it, thinking that t...

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