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Sitting On A Bench Jokes

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A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution.

"Let's have sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.

"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it agai...

What do you call 5 white guys sitting on a bench?

The NBA

Jesus was walking outside the gates of heaven and he sees an old man sitting on a bench..

He approaches the old man and asks.. "good sir, why have you not entered heaven yet?" The old man replies "I'm waiting for my son, he should be along soon." Jesus thinks for a second and asks "will you tell me of your son? Maybe I know of him." The old man sighs and says "Sadly, we lost touch when...

What do you call 2 crows sitting on a bench?

Attempted Murder

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly, the woman gathers courage to go ask him out. She walks over, takes a seat next to him, turns and says...

"Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure...but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were...

Two men were just sitting on a bench, feeling happy.

Then Happy got up and walked away.

What do you call 8 Italian grandmothers, sitting on a bench next to a superhero?

Nana Nana Nana Nana Nana Nana Nana Nana BATMAN!

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An old man was sitting on a bench...

When a teenage skater punk sat down next to him. The kid has tattoos and piercings and a Mohawk dyed a half a dozen different colors. He notices the old man won't stop staring at him so says to him "What, you've never done anything fun in your life old man?" To which he calmly replies "Got drunk onc...

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A man is sitting on a bench in the park reading a newspaper. Suddenly he throws the paper onto the ground and yells,

“All politicians are assholes.”

A man sitting next to him in a finely pressed suit says, “I take offense to that!”

The pissed-off guy asks him, “Why? Are you a politician?”

“No,” he replies, “I’m an asshole.”

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At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a bench.

Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculatio...

Once there were four business men. They were sitting on a bench in a hospital waiting room because their wives were having babies.

A nurse comes over and says to the first businessman, "Congratulations! Your wife had a baby."
The man says, "What a coincidence! I'm the president of And1!"
The nurse goes away.

Then the nurse comes back and says to the second businessman, "Congratulations! Your wife had twins!"
The...

Three guys sitting on a bench

So a new office worker just joined and was sitting outside for lunch and sees two guys opposite sides of the bench so he sits in the middle eating his food. The guy on the left says,” Well.” The guy on the right says,” Yeah.” The guy in the middle sits there and says,” Well Yeah.” And then later lea...

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Two women are sitting on a bench in the park.

First woman says



“have you ever been picked up by the fuzz before?”



Second woman replies



“no, but I have been swung around by my tits”

Three old ladies sitting on a bench

Three old ladies are sitting on a bench in a park just chatting the day away...as old ladies tend to do.

Suddenly, a man in a trench coat walks up to them and flashes them with all that god gave him.

Well, the first old lady had a stroke right away.

The second old lady had a str...

Two doctors are sitting on a bench at a park

They see an old man approaching with something obviously wrong on his way of walking. They take a professional interest on him:

- Look, a clear case of hip replacement gone wrong

- No, my dear colleague, that is classical sciatic neuralgia

- I have to disagree with you: that dra...

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Three vampires just casually sitting on a bench at 02.00 am.

They all get hungry and the first one leaves them to find some fresh blood.
He returns after 30 minutes with some blood dripping from his chin.

“Where have you been?” The other two vampires ask.

“Do you see that light over there?” he asks them. “Yes” the others reply.

“There...

Three old ladies are sitting on a bench.

The first says: "It's windy isn't it?"
The second shakes her head and says: "No it's Thursday."
The last nodds and replies: "Me too, let's get some tea."

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Three old men sitting on a bench (xpost from r/funny)

Theres three old men sitting on a bench, the first one says "I think I have the worst life here because I wake up at 8:00 and I can't piss!" The second one then says "I think my life is worse than yours because I wake up at 8:30 and I can't shit!" The third one finally says "Gentlemen I think my lif...

A policeman comes across three men sitting on a bench in the middle of a city park...

The one in the middle is calmy reading a newspaper, while the men on either side of him are pantomiming fishing. As the cop watches, again and again they bait invisible hooks, cast their rods, reel them back in with empty hands, and repeat the process.

After a few moments, the policeman appr...

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A man was sitting on a bench in the park when a woman walking her dog was passing him

The man asked, “Taking your bitch out for a walk?”

The woman replied, “How dare you refer to dogs that way!?”

The man replied, “I was talking to your dog.”

Two medicine students were sitting on a bench...

Two medicine students were sitting on a bench when they saw an old man walking along the road.

The man seemed to have some sort of disability because he had his legs unusually close together and when we walked he dragged one foot along the road.

The medicine students, taught to come t...

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Two old women were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus.

The buseswere running late, and a lot of time passed.
Finally, one woman turned tothe other and said, "You know, I've been sitting here so long, my buttfell asleep!'.

The other woman turned to her and said "I know! I heard it snoring!"

A man is walking through a park where he sees 2 men sitting on a bench, one of them is a young man who looks sad and the other is an old man who looks happy

he says to the young man, "Why are you so sad?"

the young man replies, "My wife left me. she said she never wanted to see me again..."


the man then talks to the old man sitting next to him and asks, "and why are YOU so happy?"

the old man replies, "I'm going through the same...

A blonde and a brunette is sitting on a bench.

Out of nowhere, the brunette says: Look! A dead bird!

The blonde gazes up into the air says where?

Three mischievous old Grannies were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home.

When an old Grandpa walked by.

And one of the old Grandmas yelled out saying, “We BET we can tell exactly how old you are.”

The old man said, “There is no way you can guess it, you old fools.”

One of the old Grandmas said, “Sure we can!

Just drop your pants and under shor...

A couple is sitting on a bench in a cold winter night.

The man is putting his hand between the womans' legs.

-What are you doing?

-It's cold so I want to warm my hand.

-Aren't your ears cold as well?

An old man was sitting on a bench in the park and crying his heart out

A passing cop stopped and asked, what happened?

Old man: I have a beautiful young wife. Every evening she cooks the most delicious meals and serves it in candle light and then we have a romantic night.

Cop: So, why are you crying?

Old man: Because, I have forgotten whe...

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Two freinds are sitting on a bench, a deaf elderly woman and a elderly man.

While they are chatting, the woman speaking and the man signing, the man would stop and laugh, making a visible laughing motion that the woman sees.

The woman eventually asks what is so funny and the man signs backing, "Oh it's nothing."

They move on and the woman eventually says that ...

A Frenchman and a Mexican are sitting on a bench.

The Frenchman will occasionally sniff his fingers and say, "Ah, Fifi. My Fifi."

One day the Mexican asks, "What is this you're doing with the 'Fifi'?"

The Frenchman responds, "Every morning I finger my wife, Fifi, so I can smell her and think of her fondly. "

The next morning t...

2 people are sitting on a bench and 1 is eating apple seeds.

2: Why are you eating those?
1: They make you smarter.
2: Can i buy a couple?
1: Yeah $2 a piece!
So 2 buys 5 seeds and eat them all.
2: Wait! This is a scam! For those $10 i could have bought some apples and i would have way more seeds!
1: Ah, i see they are beginning to work.

Two olives are sitting on a bench,

one falls off. The other olive says, "Are you ok?".....the fallen one responds, "O-live"

2 blondes are sitting on a bench in San Francisco...

One of the blondes says to the other. "Hey, which one is closer; New York or the moon?". The other blonde laughs at the stupidity of the joke.

"Well, duh! Can you see New York from here?"

Grandpa and Grandma are sitting on a bench in the park

they hear the jingle of the icecream salesman.

Grandma says : "I'd like some vanilla icecream."

Grandpa says: "Good idea, I'd also like some chocolate icecream".

Grandma stands up and says: "I'll go get some."

"You should write it, Grandma, you know your memory is not wha...

A joke I came up with when I was 8 (or I read it somewhere)

2 bats were sitting on a bench in the middle of the night and one turns to the other and says "I'm really thirsty for some blood"

So he goes off into the darkness.

After a while he comes back with its mouth full of blood and the second bat says "wow where did you get so much blood in t...

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A flea is sitting on a bench in Florida...

and he looks miserable. He has the sniffles, he's sneezing and has the chills. He has a blanket wrapped around him for warmth.
Just then a friend of his walks by and notices him sitting there all sick and dejected. The friend sits next to him.
"Liam! What's wrong? You look absolutely awful."<...

Two Old Seniors are sitting on a bench Outside a Nursing Home

They both take sips of their drinks, rocking back and forth slowly. One looks at the other and asks, “How’s your weekend been, George?”

George looks at him. “It’s been amazing. I was taking a walk down the street and I come to a railroad crossing, low-and-behold, a girl was tied up on the tra...

Walking through Paris, I noticed a young man sitting on a bench sobbing. I sat down beside him and softly said, "le monde". He raised his head, looked me in the eyes and said,

"That means the world to me."

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An old man and a child are sitting on a bench.

The boy is eating a candy bar, and the old man says,

"You shouldn't eat so many sweets young man, you should eat healthier to live long and be strong."

and the boy turns to him and says.

"My grandfather lived to be 109," The boy says.

"And did he eat a lot of swee...

Little Johnny & the Teacher

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"
She calls on little Johnny. He replies, "None, they all fly away with the first gun shot."
The teacher replies "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then Litt...

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Two old men are sitting on a bench

One of the men asks the other one.

-I was wondering, is the clitoris in the back or the front?

The other man thinks for a bit and replies.

-I am pretty sure that it is in the front.

To which the first man replies.

-I'll be damned, so I was licking a hemorrhoid all ...

Two men sitting on a bench

Two elderly men get together every sunday on the same park bench. The one man turns to the other and asks: "What do you prefer boxers or briefs"

The other man replies " Briefs. What about yourself?"

The first man answers: "Depends"

Two elderly women sitting on a bench....

One leans in and says "I just pulled a silent but deadly". The other leans back and says "I think you need a new hearing aid.

(I'm not taking creds for this I didn't make it up)

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Two old men were sitting on a bench...

one turns to the other and says "have you ever had one of those moments where you mean to say one thing, but it comes out all wrong? Like last week at the train station I asked for two pickets to Tittsburgh."

The other man turns and says "that just happened to me this morning. I was having br...

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