UPJOKE

Sister Mary Jokes

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A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.

"Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins !" shouts one of the drunks.
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are. Show them your cross."

Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little...

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Classic Catholic Joke, “The Son of a Bitch”

I’ve been Catholic all of my life, and this is one of my favorite jokes of all time.

One of the parish priests from the Cathedral went on a fishing trip. On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish & proceeded to reel it in.

The guide, holding a net, yelled, "Look at the ...

Sister Mary Margaret woke up and saw from the rising sun that she was late.

She jumped up, dressed in a hurry and headed down for morning prayers. Sister Agnes took a look at her and said "Well, someone got up on the wrong side of the bed today" and smirked. Sister Mary Margaret just shook her head, slightly annoyed, and kept going. Then she saw Sister Martha who looked at ...

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Sister Mary is relaxing in the bath after a long day healing the sick at her convent.

She hears a knock at the door.

"Who is it?" She calls.

"It's the blind man, may I come in?" Comes the reply.

"Well I'm in the bath, but I guess you won't see anything anyway so it should be fine." She answers.

"Cracking tits, love. Now where do you want me to hang these b...

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Two nuns are sitting in their car one evening, stuck at traffic lights.

As the lights turn green, out of nowhere, a vampire appears in front of their car!

Sister Mary turns to the more experienced Sister Agnes and cries out "Sister! A manifestation of pure evil! What shall we do!?"

Sister Agnes, with all of her holy wisdom, stays calm and says "Sister Mary...

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A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die.

They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them “Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. ”

St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her “S...

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2 nuns driving down the road when a vampire jumps out onto the bonnet.

Sister Mary: "What will we do?"

Sister Angela "Show him your cross"

*sister Mary leans out the window*

Sister Mary "Get off my fuckin bonnet!"

My sister Mary has an abusive husband. Their BBQs are awkward...

We watch him eat, drink and beat Mary.

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Nuns are painting the chapel on a hot summer day.

Nuns are performing a much-needed renovation on the chapel. Today they paint... and the AC isn't working great (that's getting fixed tomorrow). It's a sweltering hot summer day, so they decide that since they're all sisters in Christ, they'll just lock the doors and strip of their gowns and other cl...

Sister Mary hears a voice from the heavens.

The voice says, "Sister Mary, I want you to take all of the church's money and get on a bus to Las Vegas". So Sister Mary takes all of the church's money and gets on a bus to Las Vegas.

The voice says, "When you get off the bus I want you to walk into the first casino you see". So when the bu...

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Sister Mary Katherine lived in a convent, a block away from Jack's liquor store. One day, in walked Sister Mary Katherine and she said "Oh Jack, cud ye be after givin' me a pint o' brandy?”

“Sister Mary Katherine!" exclaimed Jack "I could never do that! I've never sold alcohol to a nun in me life!" "Oh Jack, me lad" she responded "tis only for the Mother Superior.” Her voice dropped. "It will be helpin' her with the constipation, you know.”

So Jack sold her the brandy. Later tha...

Two nuns, Sisters Mary and Teresa, are riding their bikes back to the convent from the shops in the old city.

Sister Mary says “Up ahead the road is blocked, but if you follow me, I know another route.”

Sister Teresa dutifully follows the older Sister as they wind their way through the city streets and down an old lane.

“Sister Mary,” asks Sister Teresa, “do you know this route well?”

...

Sister Mary Francis won the contest but I was runner-up...

Technically, I'm second to nun.

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Two nuns are driving down a dark, winding road in rural Romania. . .

when they turn a corner to see a vampire hovering over what appears to be a body in the middle of the road. It looks up and hisses as the headlights illuminate blood-covered fangs.

Sister Mary looks at Sister Elizabeth and says, "What should I do?"

Sister Elizabeth answers, "Show him y...

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Two nuns, Sister Mary and Sister Elizabeth are walking through the park when they are jumped by two thugs....

Their habits are ripped from them and the men begin to sexually assault them.
Sister Elizabeth casts her eyes heavenward and cries, "Forgive him Lord, for he knows not what he is doing!" Sister Mary turns and moans, "Oh God, mine does!!!"

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A nun walks into a liquor store...

the owner looks up and says "Well, hello Sister Mary, how can I help you?"
The nun says "I need a fifth of liquor"
The owner reacts with surprise and asks "Why do you want liquor?"
Sister Mary replies "Oh, it's for medicinal purposes"
"Well, in that case" says the owner, and sell her wha...

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What's black and white and has a dirty name?

Sister Mary fuck face.

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A train hits a bus load of nuns and they all perish.

They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter. He asks the first nun, ''Sister Karen, have you ever had any contact with a penis?'' The nun giggles and slyly replies, ''Well once I touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.'' St. Peter says, ''OK, dip the tip of your...

What part of the body goes to heaven first?

In Sunday school, Sister Mary asked the class: "What part of the body goes to heaven first?"

In the back of the class, nasty Billy waved his hand frantically, but Sister Mary, suspecting a wrong answer, turned to another child.

"Yes, Susan?"

"The heart goes to heaven first beca...

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When nuns are admitted to Heaven they go through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels.

Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy.

And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a penis?"

"Well," says the first nun in line, "I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger." ...

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So Johnny caught a fish

He caught it down by the pond, and it was a really big one. Johnny, a country boy, was playing hooky from the local Catholic school.

He was carrying his big fish down the road - and who does he run into but Sister Mary, one of the nuns in the parish.

She says "Johnny! Skipping school ...

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A group of nuns were remodeling their church.

Today they were painting the walls. They didn't want to get paint on their habits (their nun clothes), so they decided to lock the doors and paint naked...

...they were butt naked and painting when suddenly someone knocked on the cathedral doors. Sister Mary explained to her sisters that ever...

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A group of nuns were on a cross-country road trip

When they encountered a man driving erratically on the freeway, speeding, cutting them off, break checking and just generally driving in a way that would make the Lord frown.

"This man needs Jesus. Show him your Cross"

That's when sweet old Sister Mary Margaret pulled up along side of...

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Monastery of Silence

Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence. The Priest said,
"Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you
like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so".

Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the
Priest said ...

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Nuns at the pearly gates

A group of nuns were in a coach, driving high up on a mountain, when all of a sudden the coach swerved off the road and went over the side of the mountain, crashing below and sadly killing everybody inside.

The nuns now found themselves waiting outside the pearly gates, which opened and showe...

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Sunday School

Sister Mary Francis asked each of her young charges to tell the class what they want to do when they grow up.

Johnny says "I'm going to be a policeman." "Very good," say Sister Mary Francis.

Peter says "I'm going to be a fireman." "Very nice," says the nun.

Then Mary stands up, ...

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It's Career Week in the parochial school...

(OK, real old one but=)

It's Career Week in the parochial school. One day, when all the parents who've come to explain their jobs have done their presentations and gone, Sister Mary Domino has some time to kill, so she has the children stand up, one at a time, and say what THEY want to be wh...

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A group of nuns are on the way to the beach when the bus they're in veers off the road and burns to smithereens.

They all wake up to see they are at the pearly gates of heaven with Saint Paul standing in front of them.

St. Paul goes the first nun and says, "sister have you ever had any contact with a penis? "

"Yes father, I once touched a penis with my finger. "

St. Paul says, "Please di...

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Son of a bitch fish

On the last day of his vacation, the priest landed a monster; he struggled for long minutes wrestling the fish into the boat, and when he did, his guide exclaimed, “Wow, that’s the biggest son-of-a-bitch I’ve ever seen come out of this lake!”

“Son, it’s true it’s a fine fish, but you needn’t ...

Two nuns go grocery shopping

Sister Mary and Sister Margaret are walking around the grocery store, when they find the following sign:

"Fresh cucumbers, 3 for 2"

They both pause for a moment, looking perplexed, before eventually Sister Mary says: "well, I guess we could eat the third one?"

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Bet

Sister Mary burst into the office of the principal of Our Lady of Perpetual Motion parochial school in an advanced state of agitation. “Father!” she cried, “just WAIT until you hear this!”

The priest led the sister to a chair, and said, “Now just calm down and tell me what has you so excited...

Two nuns are sitting on a park bench

Sister Carol lights a cigarette and Sister Beatrice declares:
‘That’s a filthy habit’

Sister Carol replies: ‘blame Sister Mary, she washes the bloody things’.

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Two nuns are driving down a country lane late one night.

Suddenly, a vampire lands on the bonnet of the car, hissing and scratching at the windscreen!
“Ooh, Sister Mary - quickly, show him your cross”! Says a panicking Sister Bernadette!
Sister Mary quickly winds the window and leans out, “Get off the fucking bonnet, you prick”! She shouts!

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Twas a slow and quiet day in the little Irish parish

so Father Oriley decided to go for a stroll
down by docks. He ran into Patrick, the local firsherman who just about to head off in his boat.


Patrick offered to take the Father out fishing for the afternoon since he was bored so they headed off.
About an hour of fishing later the pri...

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ANOTHER nun sat outside a bar in Ireland...

Sipping from a bottle of whiskey, and quite inebriated, when the local Gard walks past.

"Sister Mary", he asks "what in God's name are you doing?!"

"Not to worry, sergeant. I'm trying to *hic* cure the Mother Superior's constipation."

"And how is you being in this state going to...

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A busload of nuns goes over a cliff...

A bus load of nuns goes over a cliff in a snowstorm. All the nuns go to heaven and line us at the pearly gates in front of Saint Peter.

Sister Mary is first in line. St Peter asks her "Have you any sins to atone for?" She responds, "Once, I looked at a man's penis." St Peter tells her to...

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4 Nuns Go To Heaven...

A terrible bus crash kills 4 Nuns.

They arrive at the Pearly Gates and are greeted by St Peter.

St Peter says: "Before you enter Heaven, you must be cleansed of sin".

The first Nun, Sister Josephine, raises her hand and says "I have seen with my own eyes a naked penis".

S...

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2 nuns driving down a dark country lane late one night.

Half way down the see the devil standing in the middle of the road blocking their path. They stop the car look at each other and sister mary turns to sister agnes and says 'oh dear sister mary whatever shall we do?'

To this question sister mary says ' I have an idea sister agnes, climb out of...

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So a covenant of nuns hires a group of landscapers to do some work.... (Long)

Sister Mary Peter was looking at the grounds of the covenant one day and decided to call her brother John, a landscaper, to do some work and liven up the place. After agreeing to do so, John and his crew arrived at the covenant and began work on the grounds.

Throughout the week, John and his ...

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4 nuns....

4 Nuns (Mary, Clarence, Enid and Steph) were involved in a horrific car crash that killed them all

Next thing they knew they were all standing in front of the pearly gates with St Peter greeting them with a friendly smile.

As they drew closer Peter said “Before I can let you pass into ...

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Three Nuns Die

In a car crash and go to heaven, Sister Margeret, Sister Patricia, and Sister Mary. They meet Peter at the gates of heaven.

Peter : " Before any of you get in, you need to wash the part of your body in the fountain of holy water that has been lustfully used to sin"

Sister Margeret wal...

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3 Nuns

Are lost in the desert. Exhaustion, thirst and hunger are setting in. Out of supplies and options, Sister Mary prays to the Lord.

The Lord replies "March on my children, over the next ridge you will find a gift, when you have found it pray again."

Sure enough over the next ridge is an ...

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Career Day

I had just finished serving a wedding liturgy, when one of the groomsmen told the priest a joke I thought I'd share.

There's a Catholic grade school in Ireland, and Sister Mary Agnes teaches the first grade students. One day, she asks what they'd all like to be when they grow up. Little Eliza...

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Four nuns go to heaven

Four nuns, Sister Mary, Sister Catherine, Sister Theresa and Sister Constance were en route to deliver food to a poor mountain village when their bus slipped off the narrow road and fell down the mountain to their deaths. Naturally, the next moment they found themselves at the pearly gates where St....

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My favourite nun joke

The nuns from the Convent of the Immaculate Conception were on a day trip when their bus went off the road, plunged over a cliff and they were all killed.

It had been a long day at the gates of heaven and Saint Peter had been counting down the minutes to knocking off time and some well-earned...

Not quite the same as turning water into wine but . . .

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting home-bound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a gasoline station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only ...

A nun arrives at heaven's gates and is met by St Peter

St Peter says:
"Sister Mary, you have led a dutiful pious life, dedicated to God, and to helping the needy. As a special reward, we will return you to Earth to live once more. Who would you like to return as in your second life?"

"Sarah Pippilini!", says Sister Mary.

"Fine", says ...

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Dear Son,

Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast. We are all doing very well. You won't recognise the house when you get home - because we have moved. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from you...

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A bus full of nuns crashes and they all die. Once at the doors of heaven they try to get in but St Peter lines them up to ask them if they’ve ever touched a penis

Calm down and form a line please. Let’s see, you first Sister Mary, have you ever touched a penis?

- “...well I did once but only with the tip of my finger”

- “That’s fine” - says St Peter, -“dip your finger in holly water and enter.

-What about you Sister Rose, have you ever...

3 Nuns die in a car crash...

...and as they have all dedicated their lives to God, their souls are immediately sent up to heaven, where they meet St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Sisters, I know you are all devout followers of Christ, but unfortunately we have protocol to follow up in here in heaven, and I must first ask ...

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Letter from a Polish mother to her son

Dear Son,

Just a few lines to let you know that I am still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know that you cannot read fast. You won't know the house when you come home . . we've moved.

About your father . . . he has a lovely new job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutti...

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"I'd like a bottle of rum, please" The sister said to the surprised bartender.

"... it's ok... it's for Mother Superior's constipation".

Later that day, the licensee was shocked to see the nun sitting in the park, pissed.
"Didn't you say that was for Mother Superior's constipation?" he asked.

"It is" slurred Sister Mary. "And when she sees me she'll shit."

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Four nuns go to confession

The first goes into the confession booth and confesses: "I have sinned by looking at parts of a mans body I shouldn't have, father".
The priest tells her to go to the garden and wash her eyes with holy water.
The second nun goes in and confesses: "forgive me father for I have touched parts of ...

A Catholic High School had a legendary American football team

Every year, the team was in the state championship game, and usually won it handily. Every able lad within a few hundred miles wanted to play football for Central Catholic Fighting Knights.

Those who were familiar with the program, knew that the true heart and soul of the Knights football pro...

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A Bus Full of Nuns

A bus full of nuns crashes on their way to a Jesus convention.
Many of the nuns die and find themselves in line at heavens gate, with St. Peter standing guard. St. peter asks the first nun, "Sister Mary, have you ever touched a penis?", she replies, "only with these two fingers." as she holds up ...

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So a Bus Full of Nuns is Driving Through The Mountains. . .

When suddenly the driver nods off, and they careen over the edge of a cliff plummeting to their deaths.

When they open their eyes, infront of them stand the majestic pearly gates, and Sainst peter sitting at a desk waiting.

"Okay ladies, listen up, I need to ask each of you a question,...

Two nuns are walking down an alley late at night...

When they get approached by 2 men who begin assaulting them. After minutes of the altercation, Sister Mary Sue screams, "Oh dear Lord! Forgive this man for he knows not what he is doing!" Sister Sarah looks up and says, "....Mine does".

In a convent, the Mother Superior, a very mean woman, woke up.

\- What a wonderful day! Today, I'm so happy, I'll even be nice for the nuns - she said.

She got out of her room and saw a nun in the hall.

\- Good morning, Sister Joanna! You look really beautiful today! And that shirt you're knitting is so pretty!

\- Thanks, Mother. You look g...

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A Bus Carrying Nuns to the Convent....

Goes over a cliff, killing all on board.

Being pious nuns, all are transported directly to the pearly gates where St. Peter, standing beside a font, is awaiting them.

He says to the nuns, "Our heavenly Father awaits you on the other side of the gates to welcome you to the eternal parad...

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A bus full of nuns is driving through the Italian Alps...

When all of a sudden the driver misses a turn and the bus is launched of the edge of the cliff, rolls down the side of the mountain and explodes in a spectacular ball of flames.

A few moments later, St. Peter, who was expecting an easy day, found himself faced with 50 newly deceased and quite...

Sister Marry was truly a religious woman...

Besides for her duties as a nun, she was also very active in various hospitals visiting sick patients and taking care of all their needs.

So it was no surprise that one day when she ran out of gas, the only container she could find to put the gas into was a bedpan.

Sister Marry happily...

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Nuns waiting to get into heaven

Four nuns were standing in line at the gates of heaven.

Saint Peter asks the first if she has ever sinned. “Well, once I looked at a man’s penis,” she said.

“Put some of this holy water in your eyes, and you may enter heaven,” Peter told her.

Peter then asked the second nun i...

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