UPJOKE

Short Cut Jokes

Paddy and Mick take a short cut home across a farmers field

Paddy: "Ahhh, Mick look: there's a flock of Cows in the next field"

Mick says: "Herd of Cows, Paddy... Herd of Cows"

Mildly infuriated, Paddy replies:

"Of course I've heard of Cows, Mick: there's a bloody flock of them in the next field!!"

Took a short cut through the cemetery last week

I saw four pall bearers with a coffin on their shoulder walking along a row of headstones. Didn't take much notice and carried on. An hour later on my way back I took the short cut again and they were still there, walking up and down.

I thought to myself, those men have lost the plot.

Pythagoras only took short cuts

He got into many arguments explaining that this route was apart of a perfect tangent.

(NSFW) A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital. He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses. "Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented priest.

"No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward".

I was walking home last night and decided to take a short cut through the cemetery...

3 girls walked up to me and explained that they were scared to walk past the cemetery at night. So I agreed to let them walk along with me. I told them "I understand... I used to get freaked out too when I was alive."
Never seen anyone run so fast.

Last night I was about to take a short cut through the graveyard when two young ladies stopped me.

"Can we walk with you?" said one of them. "Please?"

"Sure," I said, and off we went.

"It really freaks us out walking through the graveyard after dark," explained the other.

"No problem," I said. "...It used to freak me out too, back when I was alive."

An ax murder is on a date with a girl, and he suggests a short cut through the woods to a special spot...

As they walk the sun starts to set.
The girl asks, “Are we almost there it’s getting dark?”
The ax murderer says they’re close and it’s just a little further up.

They keep walking and get deeper and deeper into the woods.
All of a sudden there is a howl in the distance!
The girl s...

Lady and the Farmer

A farmer stopped by a hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. Then he stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.

However, struggling outside the store, he wondered how to carry all his purchases home.

While he was scratching his head, h...

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It was a dark night in the cemetery..

..and Eric had, unwisely, elected to take a short cut. The leaves rustled in the trees, the shadows appeared to move around him, and then.. and then.. tap, tap, tap. Eric started to walk faster but the tapping was only getting louder. Eric grew scared, really scared, until he rounded a big old grave...

Dad's Shortcut

Dad used to tell us about the time he took a short cut home on Halloween. He grew up on a farm in western New York state, and at the time Halloween meant going out with his friend, Tommy, to do pranks. They had been out pranking drivers by tying a couple tin cans to the two ends of a long string, ...

Why did the barber win the race?

Because he took a short cut

A hunchback and a guy with a club foot meet each Friday at the pub.

One Friday, lamenting their disabilities, they complain about the length of their walk. "It would be great to short cut through the cemetery" says the guy with the hunchback. "That cemetery is haunted" says the guy with the club foot, "It's madness to walk through there at night!".

After enj...

Why do barbers make good drivers?

Why do barbers make good drivers?
Because they know all the short cuts!

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A man was walking home drunk

and he decides to take a short cut over a field. In the far end he notices some flashing lights coming from a barn house.

As he gets closer he looks through the window, and to his surprise sees a man in a T-shirt dancing while slowly taking off his overalls.

Drunk as he is, he opens ...

It sure is hard to cut the top off of a redwood tree

You can't take any short cuts!

Why are hairdressers never late for work?

They know all of the short cuts!

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My grandad sent me this

Enjoy the fun & the pun.



Q: Can February March?

A: No. But April May!



Q: Did you hear about the painter who was hospitalised?

A: Reports say it was due to too many strokes!



Q: Have you heard the joke about the butter?

A: I better ...

Two nuns on a bike ride in Philadelphia

Two nuns are on a bide ride through Philadelphia, the first nun says to the second, "Make a right turn here, I know a short cut". After a few minutes the second nun says, "I've never come this way before". The first replies, "I know, it's the cobblestones"

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A man returns home from his nightly pub visit to his wife sitting on the couch playing with two stray cats. He says to her "Hon, It's ok. Don't get mad, I can explain." The wife looks up and sees her husband has two heads. "Holy hell, John, what happened to you?" she screamed.

"Well," he explained, "I was leaving Harry's Pub just around ten PM like I always do when I decided to take a short cut through the alley way. That's where I stumbled and almost tripped on this lamp. So I pick it up and give it a rub, and out pops this genie who tells me he will give me three wishes...

Two nuns were riding though the streets

and realised they were late for church, one said to the other "I know a short cut" they zip through back streets and down a cobble stone path, the other Nun says "I've never come this way before!" The fist Nun replies "yeah, it's the cobble stones"

The Barbershop

So the other day I walked into a barbershop,

The barber came up to me and asked," Hey how can I help you sir??"

I told him that, " I just need a short cut" as I walked across his store and

right out through the backdoor

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A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend.....

"You won't believe what happened. I was taking a short cut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to it. I untied her, and then we had sex over and over again, all the positions, everything.

His friend replies, "That's great... Did you get a blow job?"

"Oh, no... I never foun...

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Pregnant Women gets Shot

There was a man and a women who were expecting a baby, but right before the woman started going into labor the man got cold feet and took the car and split.

The wife had to choice but to try and walk to the hospital and took some short cuts thru back alleys when a man saw her and shot her 3 t...

The Final Exam

The weekend before their big history final, four college buddies decided to go to St. Louis to party with friends. However, after partying all night, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Springfield until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking their history final then, they...

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Buddy laid this one on me a while back. His acting made me believe it all the way till the punchline.

Was at a party when a friend starts telling this story. You'll have to change some things around to make it work for you but it goes like this.

So did you hear I got a ticket last week? I was driving down this farm road cause I thought it would be a short cut getting to my girlfriends house....

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A Rabbi's Journey Home

A Rabbi is exiting his synagogue one evening and is about to walk home, which would normally take him around 25 minutes.

However, as he is leaving a car pulls up and two of his synagogue members are in the car, with a baby in the back seat.

"Rabbi" they call, "Can you help us?"

...

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