UPJOKE

She Got Jokes

My wife said we could each have 3 hall passes. She picked Henry Cavil, Jason Momoa, and Matt Damon; but then she got mad at me for my picks...

Apparently her sister, our kids kindergarten teacher and and Kelsey in the marketing department were the wrong answers.

My Tinder match said she’d talk to me again when she got home...

Guess she’s homeless.

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My ex girlfriend used to have with fruit whenever she got stressed.

After we broke up, she went bananas.

I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail,

but apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition.

What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?

Gurgle, gurgle, cough spew

A blonde got caught in a blizzard… It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home.

She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her dad's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in the snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure en...

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What did the pornstar say when she got home to her husband?

“You wouldn’t believe the day I just had.”

My girlfriend’s dog died so I bought her another one just like it. She got very upset and said,

“What am I going to do with two dead dogs?”

“Your mother has been with us for 20 years,” said John. “Isn’t it time she got a place of her own?”

“My mother?” replied Helen. “I thought she was *your* mother.”

I told my wife a joke about blocking a river but she got annoyed.

I said “why are you so upset? it’s just a dam joke”

I brought my wife coffee in bed this morning. She got excited, hot and wet.

Yeah, I spilled it on her..

Told a girl to text me when she got home.

She must be homeless.

I was looking forward to showing my teacher my reddit post, but she got sick.

So, the subreddit

Yo mama so dumb, the only test she got an A on was her blood test

...and even then, it was an A minus!

What did Christopher Robin's mother say when she got tired of cleaning up after him

"Stop leaving Pooh lying around!"

I told a girl she would look better with her hair back and she got really offended.

Chemo patients are so sensitive.

Where did Suzie go after she got lost in a minefield?



Everywhere.

Asked my crush how many brothers she got

she said, “Just you.."

My girlfriend was crying because she got a bad haircut

I said, "why are you crying? I'm the one that has to find a new girlfriend"

I courteously opened the door for a woman to come out, but she got really mad

Apparently there is some sort of changing-room exemption, and now I'm banned from Forever 21.

In the original version of Cinderella, that wasn't her real name, just a nickname she got because she always slept by the fireplace and got covered in cinders.

Really makes you wonder about the person who invented Nutella.

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Today I asked a star what would she do if she got fired?

She said she just wouldn't give a .

My wife found out I was cheating after she found the letters I was hiding

She got mad and said she is never playing Scrabble with me again!

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Wedding night

Sophia had just gotten married, and being a traditional Italian girl living under the watchful eye of her mother, she remained a virgin up until she and her husband took their wedding vows…

On their wedding night, the newlyweds stayed at her mother's house, and Sophia was nervous. Her mother...

A woman was walking along the street when she got plowed into by a vehicle and killed...

The police had a tough time identifying her, but they were able to get a picture from the DMV.

They walked up to her house and rang the doorbell.

"Sir, do you know this woman?"

"Yes it's my wife"

(Deep sigh) "Sir, I'm not really sure how to break this to you... but it loo...

Reporter to the old guy sitting next to his wife: "what's your secret for 80 years of happy and successful marriage?"

The old man replied "i'm gonna tell you a story, 75 years ago we were on a trip, we were horseback riding just ive two of us, out of nowhere her horse went crazy and throw her off on the ground, she calmly got up, cleared herself of dust and facing ive horse said "that's one" then got back on the ho...

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The young woman who submitted the tech support message presumably did it as a joke. Then she got a reply that was way too good to keep to herself.

The query:
Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications and intimacy, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 unin...

With the international mathematics conference in town, the bars around the convention center were hopping.

As was her custom, the evening manager was going from table to table greeting her guests. When she got to the first table, there were eight mathematicians seated. Strange, she thought, since there were only six seats, but some of them were getting a bit frisky and were sitting on others' laps.
...

A couple decided to enter a local cooking competition. He did very well in the sausage category, but she got last place with chicken.

Together, they made the best wurst and the worst breast.

What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?

(gag noise)

**Note: This joke is better when read aloud.**

A little girl asks her father how she got her name

"well honey a rose petal landed on your head as we were carrying you out of the hospital, so we named you rose."

his younger daughter runs up to him "and how did i get my name daddy?"

"well honey a lily petal landed on your head as we were carrying you out of the hospital, so we named ...

My little daughter came to me all excited, saying, “Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I’ll be this August!” I chuckled, “Oh I don’t know princess, why don’t you tell me?” She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers.

It’s now three hours later, the police are annoyed and she *still* won’t say where she got them!

My neighbor. She’s single. She’s shapely & beautiful and she lives right across the street.

I watched her as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on my door.

I opened the door, she looked at me and said, ”I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and have fun tonight. Are...

My girlfriend dissapeared when she got a virus on her computer one day and never came back.

I guess she Ransomware..

Princess Diana was so young and new that when she got married ...

... she was barely regal.

a scammer called my grandma and said he had all her passwords

she got a pen and paper and said 'thank god for that, what are they'

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A man met a beautiful girl and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, “But we don’t know anything about each other.” He replied, “That’s all right; we’ll learn about each other as we go along.”

So she consented and they were married, and they went on honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 30-foot high board and did a two-and-a-half-tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. T...

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Why was the blonde upset when she got her Drivers License?

Because she got an F in .

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A man goes home to his wife, after being fired from his job at a chips factory..

The wife acts surprised, because the man has been employee of the month for 13 months in a row.
She asks "What happened?"
"I got fired for putting my in the potato cutter. It's been a dream of mine, and I couldn't resist it anymore", the man replied.
The wife, even more surprised afte...

I don't have tags for my dog, but I bought her a phone in case she got lost. She ran away today.

I really should collar.


Also, Lost: Seeing Eye Dog

Last Seen: Never

My wife got angry at me because I was drunkenly shoveling the driveway when she got home.

I don't get it. I told her I'd stop drinking this winter, with snow exceptions.

TIFU for making an joke around my gf

She got so mad she told our mom about it.

I went to go visit my wife but when she saw me she got scared and locked the door.

I'm not surprised. I am pretty angry that she didn't come to my funeral.

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The headmistress at my exclusive girl’s college was lecturing us on morality...... “In moments of temptation,” she said to the class, “ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?”

She got so furious when I got up and asked “How do you make it last an hour?”

She got them Wal-Mart eyes....

They roll back!

Husband and wife are shopping...

A Husband and Wife went shopping together just before Christmas. The wife quickly noticed that her husband was missing and because they had a lot to do she called him on his cell phone.
After the husband picked up the phone his wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do!"
He sa...

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Someone asked an Indian girl how she got married?

"I used to work at a pharmacy and my would-be husband came and asked for an XXXXXXL condom.

It was only after the arranged marriage I found out that he has a stutter."

My wife asked if she has any annoying habits...

... and then she got all offended during the PowerPoint presentation

My girlfriend and I bought a pizza to share and she got mad because I ate half.

Granted, it was the TOP half, but still…

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I told a girl my was like a computer

She asked if that was because it had loads of RAM and a big hard drive.

Oh, the surprise she got when she found out it was microsoft and full of viruses.

Boys have a thing and girls don't.

One November afternoon when my daughter was in kindergarten, I picked her up after school. She bobbed out to the car and crawled into the back seat.

"What did you do today?" I asked.

She couldn't wait to tell me. "We learned that boys are different from girls" she chirped.

Looki...

My daughter learned to count!

My daughter woke me around 11:50 last night. My wife and I had picked her up from her friend Sally's birthday party, brought her home, and put her to bed. My wife went into the bedroom to read while I fell asleep watching the Braves game.

"Daddy," she whispered, tugging my shirt sleeve. "Gues...
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