UPJOKE

See You Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boy tells his father "Dad, my math teacher is asking to see you.”

The father asks "What happened?"

“Well, she asks me, 'how much is 7 x 9?' I answer '63' , then she asks, 'and 9 x 7?' so I ask 'what's the fucking difference?'"

"Indeed, what is the difference?" says the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''

The next day, the boy comes home from school an...

Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.

On her death bed, my wife said, "Sweety! I'll see you in Heaven."

Since then, I've kicked a puppy, stole from 4 shops and set fire to an orphanage.

Sergeant: “Smith! I didn’t see you at camouflage practice today!”

Private Smith: “Thank you, Sir!”

Today a friend said to me: "Marco, aren't you sad to see your friends getting married and you being single at 43?"

I replied:

"Yes, I am, but I don't know how to help them."

The last words my grandma told my grandfather was “Sweetie, I’ll see you in heaven!”

Since then, grandpa has been kicking puppies and setting fire to orphanages.

Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one? ?

Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was in the pub last night when the barman asked me, "How come I never see you in here with Pete any more?"

I asked him, "Would you drink with a bloke who's a liar, always late, borrows money he never pays back, always tries to squirm out of his round, jealous of everything you have, and when your back is turned he tries to fuck your wife and daughter?"

"Bloody hell! No!" he said, somewhat flabberg...

"Hope to see you soon"

isn't always what you want to hear from your doctor

A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? ... Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.... Older Woman: Oh, I see. ... Officer: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.

Officer: You don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving. Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and...

A couple are having dinner at a nice restaurant. A lovely young woman walks up to the table, kisses the man on the cheek, and says, "See you later, sweetie" before walking away. The wife is livid.

"Who the hell was that, and what did she mean about seeing you later?"

"That's just my mistress, Laura."

"You have a mistress, and she has the nerve to walk up to us in public? This is unforgivable. I want a divorce."

"Honey, she means nothing to me. Just a bit of harmless fun. ...

Hate to see you standing alone

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.

She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.

The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"

"No, ma'am, but I h...

An Alligator sees you later, a Crocodile sees you in awhile. When does a Caiman see you?

This isn't a joke, I want answers. Please. I've never wanted to know anything more.

So an antivaxxer told me "See you later"

and I said, not if ICU first!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you. Don't bother coming after me.”

Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.

She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes, he wrote something on it befo...

I was doing a pretend job interview with my 6 year old daughter and I asked her, “where do you see yourself in 5 years?”

She said: “in a mirror”



This really happened and I still laugh every time I think about it.

Me: “I don’t want to ever see you anymore! I won’t let you hurt me like this again! Abuse is never acceptable!”

Trainer: “”It was one sit-up. You had to do one sit-up.”

See you later Mozart

I'll be Bach

Salt: So nice to see you. Paprika: How do you do?

Nutmeg: 'Sup.

Garlic: Yo!

Pepper: HI!

Oregano: Hola.

Seasons' Greetings everyone

My boss at the furniture stores said "After what you did, I never want to see you again. You're fired!"

But I regret nothing. Sometimes you just have to take a stand.

Did you see the Catholic church released a breakfast cereal?

Cinnamon Pope Crunch: The See You Can Taste

I didn't see you at Ninja school today

Nice work

Why do you see a lot more old people attending church than you see young people?

Cramming for the final.

Wife: I hate you. Get out, I never want to see you again!

I hope you have a long and miserable life.

Husband: Now I’m confused. Do you want me to stay or not?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bet you can't see your dick!

My colleague: "I bet you can't see your dick when you look down in the shower."

Me: "No, just your daughter's head,"

The sergeant growled at the young soldier 'I didn't see you at camouflage training this morning!'

'Thank you very much, sir' replied the young soldier

My boss said if I see you browsing reddit again, I'll smash your head to the keyboard

I guess hejgfjucurbnfocndldpllkanabdvwcdcc

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