A man on his deathbed is telling his friend his final wishes

Man: I have two final wishes

Friend: what are they?

Man: firstly I'd like my remains scattered over Disney Land

Friend: and?

Man: secondly, I don't want to be cremated.

Mary Poppins Decided To Grow Some Vegetables

Mary Poppins decides to grow some vegetables. When she picks her crop in the autumn, her carrots, potatoes, onions, and spring beans have all failed, but her cauliflowers have grown a treat.

She picks them, cooks some for Sunday lunch in a cheese sauce, and they taste wonderful.

After ...

A guy is getting arrested

The guy says: Officer, why are you arresting me? This is **medical** marijuana, I have the card right here in my pocket.

Officer: First of all this is crack cocaine. Secondly, that’s a pokémon card.

The local charity realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer.

So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community?.

The law...

A nun gets into a cab...

...and noticed that the *very* handsome cab driver was staring intensely at her.

“My child,” the nun said “is something the matter?”

“Well,” the cab driver started “I have a question to ask you, but I’m worried it might offend you.”

“My child, when you’re as old as I am, and be...

Ghandi was a what?

So we all know how Ghandi was a wonderful person and a pioneer in the non violent protest movement. But there are some facets of his life that add up to a very rare diagnosis.

First of all, he walked everywhere barefoot which made his feet very tough.

Secondly his diet was comple...

A Nun has to take a cab

She gets into the cab and gives the driver the address she needs to go to.

About half way through the drive the cabbie looks at the Nun through the rearview mirror and says, “You know, I’ve always wanted to kiss a Nun.”

The Nun looks thoughtful for a moment before responding, “Are you...

[OC] My poor friend Dave got 3 wishes from a Genie today.

He always wanted loads of money, but instead he spoke to the Genie and said, "I wish for people to be uncertain. Secondly, I also wish to change my name."
I haven't seen him in a while but I think he's Rich now.

A blonde joke...

A Blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooste...

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A young boy walks into a Brothel dragging a dead frog on a string behind him...

He approaches the Madam of the Brothel and promptly asks for a girl. The woman looks him over and says "I can't do that for a boy of your age". The boy drops a wad of cash in front of her and repeats his request. The madam ponders, and then tells him "alright, first door on the left". Before the boy...

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A man goes into a pub and notices a big jar filled with $50 bills on the bar counter and gets curious

MAN: What is this jar thing, there must be hundreds of dollars in it ?
BARTENDER: We have a small game in our pub. Whoever completes three tasks correctly, wins the money in the jar.
MAN: What are the tasks then ?
BARTENDER: I can't tell you, you have to pay the $50 first.
Man gives the ...

A man stumbles upon a magic lamp

A man stumbles upon a magic lamp. Intrigued by his discovery, he proceeds to rub the lamp and before his very eyes, a genie appears.

"I have finally been released from my slumber and now I shall grant you three wishes in return. choose wisely!" The genie says.

The man considers his de...

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Dave walks into a bar,

goes straight for a stool, sits down, and asks for a beer. The bartender serves Dave, and the man gulps it down in seconds.
"Another," says Dave.
The bartender serves him another, and again, Dave gulps it down in seconds.
"Another," says Dave again.
The bartender serves him, but ...

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Golden toilets

A guy walks into a bar in one morning, and goes up to the bar tender. "Do you guys have golden toilets?" he asks.

"What? Golden toilets? What are you talking about?"

"Look, last night I got pretty wasted but the one thing I can remember is peeing in a golden toilet."

Bartender ...

A mother wakes her son in the morning

'Get up, son, you have to get to school!'

'But Mum, why do I have to go? I hate it!'

'Tell me two reasons why you think you shouldn't go.'

'Firstly: all the kids hate me. Secondly: the teachers hate me even more.'

'Hmph, excuses! C'mon, go get ready!'

'Tell me two ...

A Man walkes into a bar...

He orders a drink and get's aware of a bucket full of gold nuggets standing behind the barman. He askes him about that. He replies:

"Well you can win this bucket, by fulfilling three tasks:

At first I gonna give you a full pint of whiskey and you have to drink it all by one.
Seco...

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Joel Osteen dies and goes to Heaven.

He looks up at the big pearly gates and immediately recognizes where he is. He waits for a while but no one comes to greet him. Beyond the gates, he hears a band performing a concert between deafening cheers of the crowd and other indications of general merriment. He looks around but cannot find ...

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A girl was having a costume party...

(My favorite joke told to me by my uncle a long time ago)

A girl was having a costume party, and decided that the theme of the party was going to be emotions. So she puts one of her friends at the door to make sure everyone coming in is dressed like a emotion.

Well the party is going ...

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A man walks into a bar...

.... And orders a drink. As the bartender is getting it for him, he notices a jar of ten dollar bills on the counter.

"What are those for?" He asks.

"We have a competition running." Replies the bartender. "You put ten dollars in the jar and I give you three tasks. If you complete the t...

A guy walks into a bar...

A guy walks into a bar and the bartender notices this guy and can't help but admire his incredible physique and incredible chiseled body. The guy sits down and orders a drink, now up and close the barkeep realizes how proportionally weird his head is compared to the rest of his body. "Can I ask you ...

Having Alzheimer also carries some advantages...

First of all, you get to know someone new every time you look in the mirror. Secondly, you can always enjoy an old joke as if you heard it for the first time. And finally, you get to know someone new every time you look in the mirror.

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The Baby Shark

(My Greek Grandmother use to tell me this joke as a kid its awfully dry but when you get older you laugh at how stupid it is haha hope you enjoy)

One day the baby Shark went with his father to learn how to catch food,

First the Father taught the baby how to catch a Fish by just out sw...

Job taken seriously

Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the side of a deserted road. Suddenly a brand new Porsche screeches to a halt.

The driver, a man dressed in an Armani suit, Cerutti shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses, TAG-Heuer wrist watch, and a Pierre Cardin tie gets out and asks the ...

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What a shitty day I had

First my ex got run over by a bus, secondly I got fired and lost my driving license.

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The other day, I was chillin' at home, and all of a sudden, Justin Bieber came on the radio...

First of all, how the hell did the little bastard even get in my house?

And secondly, couldn't he have at least wiped off the radio afterwards?

Seriously, the younger generation just don't have any manners!

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A young woman walks up to the bartender, sits down and says:

"Batman, give me a tequila because I have a burning sensation in my heart"

The bartender gives the woman her request. Few minutes pass by, the woman goes to the bartender again:

"Batman, give me another tequila because I have a burning sensation in my heart."

The bartender, agai...

A man walks into...

a bar, and immediately walks up to the bar. He notices a large jar of cash placed on the bar that is oozing 20 dollar bills. He asks the bartender what it is for. To which the bartender replies; "It is the challenge jar. If you're feelin' froggy you can place a 20 in there, and I'll give you three c...

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Guy walks into a bar joke.....

A man who is down in the dumps walks into a bar. He tells the bar tender how is wife was cheating on him and in the divorce he got screwed out of everything and has no money, no house, nothing but the clothes on his back. He then asks the bar tender what it would take for him to drink free for the n...

A dog applies for a job as an accountant...

So a dog goes in for an interview at an accountant's. Unfortunately the manager HATES dogs for some obscure reason from his youth.

Anyways, the manager tells the dog that it's got to pass three tests, else it can't be hired.

"First, you've got to be good with computers."

The do...

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So this lady goes shoe shopping one day...

She goes out wearing a skirt and no panties and goes to the shoe store. She asks the salesman to help her. He gets the shoes that she wants to try on and slips them on her foot. He notices that she is not wearing any underwear. He doesn't say anything.

After about the sixth pair of shoes, he ...

Threw a party with my friend!

It was amazing!

First, we had to get some cool costumes, and I must say, as far as service goes, it was amazing! We left the place as quickly as we came in, each with a really cool costume- no waiting at all.

Secondly, we went out to get some snacks for the party, just your usual stuff...

A man is out driving in the countryside

A man is out driving in the countryside where he suddenly comes across a big herd of sheep. He stops his car and get out waiting for the sheep to pass over the road. At the end of the herd he spots the shepherd. He goes over to the shepherd and starts a conversation.

-"If I can tell you exact...

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