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My wife screamed in pain during labor so I asked, “What’s wrong?”. She screamed. “These contractions are going to kill me!”

“I am sorry, honey,” I replied. “What is wrong?”

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I broke up with my girlfriend because she screamed too much during sex

Sometimes I could hear it two blocks away

My girlfriend just screamed at me for tickling my child's feet

She said something about 'waiting until they're born'

Greta thunberg began screaming,

“I will not fly private!” She said to her manager as they pulled into the parking lot.

“The conference is two days away and across the ocean, would you like to fly coach?” He replied.

“On a commercial airline produced by slave labor? I don’t think so!” She screamed.

Her manag...

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I can’t believe that you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,” my wife screamed at me.

“I can’t believe that you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,” my wife screamed at me. “I’m really disappointed.” “You can hardly blame me,” I answered. “It’s not like I was getting any from you.” “Well, that’s your own fault,” she replied. “You never told me you were willing to pay for it.”

I was at the bar last night and the waitress screamed... "Anyone know CPR?"

I said hell I know the entire alphabet.
Everyone laughed... Well everyone except this one guy.

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The Italian man says, “Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for five full minutes at the end.”

The Frenchman boasts, “Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then made passionate love and she screamed for fifteen minutes.”



The old Jewish man says, “Well, last week my wife and I had sex too. I rubbed her body all over with schmaltz, we ma...

My wife screamed, "you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!"

I was taken aback... what a weird way to start a conversation.

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My wife just walked in on me bleaching my asshole and screamed “what the hell are you doing?!!”

I mean, she’s the one that told me I needed to change my ringtone.

My girlfriend screamed at me today. "You weren't even listening to me just now, were you?"

I thought, man, what a weird way to start a conversation.

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"I'm so wet!" she screamed at me.

"I'm so fucking wet!" she screamed at the top of her lungs. "Give it to me, now!"

She could yell all she wanted, I was keeping the umbrella.

A man comes running to the doctor shouting and screaming in pain. “Please doctor you’ve got to help me. I’ve been stung by a bee.”

"Don't worry;" says the doctor, "I'll put some cream on it."

"You will never find that bee. It must be miles away by now."

"No, you don't understand!" answers the doctor, "I'll put some cream on the place you were stung."

"Oh! It happened in the garden in back of my house."
<...

"It's a boy!", He screamed, running out of the room,

And vowed never to visit Thailand again.

My wife screamed, "Give it to me! I'm so f*cking wet! Give it to me now!

But she can scream all she wants, I'm not giving her the umbrella

"Give it to me" she begged,"Give it to me..." "I'm so wet, oh god, I'm so wet...I want it NOW!" She screamed....

But,there's no way I would give up that umbrella, to anyone.

A gorgeous young brunette goes into the doctor’s office

A gorgeous young brunette goes into the doctor’s office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

“Impossible!” says the doctor. “Show me”.

“The brunette took her finger, pushed on her left wrist and screamed,then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more.

She pu...

A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and screamed, "I have a complaint."

The Librarian looked up at her and asked, "How can I help you?"

The blonde answers, "I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible."

The Librarian in a puzzled tone, asks, "What was wrong with it?"

To that, the blonde replies, "It had way too many characters and there was no...

A student fell asleep in class so the teacher kicked him. "WTF!" the student screamed.

"You have been kicked due to inactivity."

My wife and I were woken up at 3am by loud banging on our door. I got up, opened the door and there was a drunken stranger standing in the pouring rain, asking for a push. "Are you insane man?!!? It's 3 in the morning!!" I screamed, slamming the door and stormed back to bed...

"Who was that?" asked my wife.

"Just some drunk asking for a push." I grumbled.

"Did you help him?" she asked.

"No, I did NOT! It's 3am and it's pouring rain!"

"Well, you've a short memory." she said. "Don't you remember three months ago when we broke down and those two g...

"You're so childish!" screamed the wife. "Why do you always have to use that stupid walkie talkie with your stupid friends?! This is ridiculous, this relationship is over!"

"This relationship is what? Over!"

A woman asked me to come back to her place for a nightcap.

After a couple of drinks she asks me to get undressed. I took off my shoes and socks and she screamed "what happened to your toes?"

Me-When I was a kid I had toelio.

Her-Do you mean polio?

Me-No girl, look at my toes. It was toelio.

Then I took off my pants. She screamed...

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friends bet each other $100 who could make their wife scream more from sex.

The next day the first one said "I made love to my wife for 2 hours and she screamed for at least an hour and a half!" The next said he licked his wife for 2 hours and she screamed the whole time plus a half hour after that! The 3rd one said "that's nothing. I made love to my wife for ten minutes, I...

Almost Screamed

In the early 1930's, a farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost.

"$10 for 3 minutes," replied the pilot. "That's too much," said the farmer.

The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a...

Did you know that 50 cent's mother was german? Every time he did something wrong, she screamed

59!

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I was fucking my wife last night ( NSFW )

I was fucking my wife last night when she looked back and said ,"i'm feeling kinky tonight , turn off the light and stick it in my arse".

As soon as i did , she screamed

Maybe next time i should let the bulb cool down first

The man screamed, “Help, Shark, help!”

I laughed because sharks don’t help people.

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My wife caught me pissing in the kitchen sink, and got really mad at me. "You fucking prick, that's so inappropriate!" she screamed. "Well, so is washing the baby in there, but I don't angry at you about that!" I shouted back.

I think she realised she'd lost the argument, because she didn't even reply.

She just lifted the baby out of the sink and went upstairs...

My wife screamed at me, "You're obsessed with those Star Wars movies. I'm leaving you."

"May divorce be with you!!" I replied.

My maths teacher screamed at me for my math average

How mean!

A wife screamed at her husband: 'You're gonna be real sorry. I'm gonna leave you'

'Make up your mind' said the husband 'Which is it going to be?'

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I was having sex with my wife last night

when she suddenly yelled, “Dave! Get your cock out of my arse!”


“Just relax.” I said, “You might like it.”


“Relax?” she screamed, “What the fuck is Dave doing here?”

My wife screamed at me for spilling the gravy.

That’s when I realized it was all over.

A woman screamed at me when she saw me bleeding

Turns out she was a real hemophobe

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped inches from a shop window. 

For a second, everything was quiet in the cab. Then the driver said, "Look, mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the living daylights out of me!"

The p...

Today my fiance screamed at me and told me she hates at the alter

Ruined a perfectly good sacrifice.

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Saw my dwarf neighbor this morning standing at the bus stop.. So I stopped and said "jump in I will give you a lift". "Fuck off!!" he screamed at me. I thought to myself "what an ungrateful person "

So I zipped up my backpack and kept on walking.

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer.

They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, 'THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to setup a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job.'
So Satan and Jesus...

My wife found me in the kitchen naked holding a gun

"What the hell are you doing?" she screamed, shocked at my appearance.

"Quiet woman! I'm hunting decepticons!" I whispered back harshly.

She put her hands on her hips. "You've been sleep walking again! There are no such thing as decepticons!"

I blinked, realizing how stupid I lo...

My girlfriend packed my bags today after finding out that I had a one night stand with another woman. She screamed, "I want you to go!" I said, "Please can we just talk about it first?" She replied, "Go on, I'm listening." I sat down and began...

"It was the most amazing experience of my entire life..."

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"Of course size matters!" My girlfriend screamed when I told her how big it was.

Who the fuck wants a small pizza?

Can you please stop playing Oasis screamed my wife.

I said maybe.

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Jane had developed a certain attraction to Tarzan. So during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex. "Tarzan not know what is sex" he replied. Jane then explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said ...."Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Stunned by his response, Jane said: "Tarzan you have it all wrong, you don't shag a tree to get yourself off. Tell you what, I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing, got completely naked and laid down on...

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter,...

Yesterday that guy screamed at me "Stay RIGHT THERE, PUT THOSE HANDS WHERE I CAN SEE THEM! DON't MovE!"

That pizza delivery guy took this distant payment thing very seriously

A boy named Carol had a particularly rough childhood because of his uncommon name. He always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school. Eventually, he overcame his hang-up and married his high-school sweetheart.

When their first child was born, he let his wife name her.

She named the baby girl "Love" inspired in the same spirit as Carol's unique name.

Unfortunately, Love grew up and endured much of the same teasing that Carol did, because of her strange name.

She came home from school...

A woman was walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out.

A cop was approaching from about a block away, thinking to himself, "Boy, my eyes must be going. It looks like that woman is hanging out of her blouse."

But, as he got closer, it became apparent that she really was hanging out her blouse.

When the officer got face to face with the woma...

My wife has just told me to pack my bags and get out.

As I walked through the door she screamed : “ I hope you spend the rest of your life in misery and pain”


I said: “make your mind up, one minute your telling me to get out and now you want me to stay”

Two guys left the bar after a long night of drinking, jumped in the car and started it up. After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly. The passenger screamed, "Look at the window. There's an old ghost's face there!"

The driver sped up, but the old man's face stayed in the window. The passenger rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said, "What do you want?" The old man softly replied, "You got any tobacco?" The passenger handed the old man a cigarette and yelled, "Step on it," to the drive...

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filthy old man

A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a cliff, about to jump off.

An old homeless man who was wandering by stopped and said

"Look since you'll be dead in a few minutes, and it won't matter to you, how about a quickie before you go?"

She screamed "NO! Fuck off y...

My biology teacher stubbed his toe today and screamed..

Mitosis

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My girlfriend screamed accusingly, "You're just a typical man! Always thinking with your dick!"

I shot back, "Ok smart ass! Blow my mind!"

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After three hours at my mother-in-law's funeral, I had to relieve myself.

So I walked up to the coffin and screamed, "Why were you such a bitch!?"

While in bed, my girlfriend screamed, "Oh my god, it's so big!"

Then I saw the spider.

My girlfriend’s dog died so I got her an identical one to try and cheer her up.

But it made her even more upset.

She screamed at me saying, “What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?”

I came home from the bar four hours late last night. “Where the hell have you been?” screamed my wife.

I said, “I’ve been playing poker with some blokes.”


“Playing poker with some blokes?” she repeated. “Well, you can pack your bags and go!”


“So can you” I said, “This isn’t our house anymore.”

My wife screamed in delight when her new shoes arrived sooner than expected

I thought she didn't like it when things came early...

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A pregnant woman was shot 3 times in the stomach.

She survived, luckily enough, and so were her unborn children. Triplets, she found out soon enough. Two girls and a boy.

They were born with absolutely no problems, healthy babies and unaffected by the trauma.

Fast forward 13 years, she's sitting in her kitchen, enjoying a cup of coff...

When Moses made it to the Red Sea he screamed 'God damnit'

That's how he was able to cross.

" Could you explain to me why I woke up this morning with a cucumber up my ass? " My wife screamed.

" Could you explain to me," I yelled back, " Why you didn't wake up when I put it there? "

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