Schwarzenegger Jokes

Someone has made a grave mistake.

I’ll return

VanDamme: I’ll be Mozart.

Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys I’m not saying it.

You have been germinated.

He replied, "I still love Vista, baby".

Aisle B, back

A Cameron Diaz.

A surname/last name

Now he just says, "Ow! My back!"

Toto recall

The Ex-terminator.

He said, "I still love Vista, baby!"

He is an ex-Terminator, after all.

are talking to each other about their long careers as action heroes. Sly says, "You did some okay comedy, but you have the governorship and political success to be proud of."

Arnold says, "You've had so much recognition in Hollywood. I've never been nominated for an Oscar, you have have been ... read more

Sylvester Stallone says, "Guys, we should make a movie with the three of us, but I'm all out of ideas at the moment, I'm kind of bored with the standard action flicks."

Chuck says, "Guys, I'm bored of doing action movies too and I've got some ideas but you may not like them."

Sylveste... read more

"I'll be returning"

He’s an exterminator

...I knocked up the maid.

He said "Aisle B Back"

Arnold Schwarzenegger has a long one, Brad Pitt's is short, Madonna does not have one, and the Pope doesn't use it.

What is it?

>!A last name.!<

With his own restaurant, so i managed to get hired in the kitchen to be near the awesomeness. But every time i ask him what he wants me to do he always says the same thing: get to da choppah!

Sly: “I wanna show the world that we’re more than just action movie stars. I wanna make a movie about classical music and classical composers. I know you guys love that stuff too. What do you think? Will you help me make a movie about it and show the world how cultured we are?”

Bruce: “I cou... read more

“Live with me if you want to come.”

He's an ex-terminator.

An Ahnold Palmer

I said to him, “I bet I know what your favorite Christian festival is.”

He said, “Have to love Easter, baby.”

That's when I got upset and right before I walked out of the room, I turned to her with his impression and said.
I'll be returning.

He's working as an exterminator.


(Hi u/govschwarzenegger!)

To get to the chopper.

and the theme is composers. Bruce tells the other stars, "I'll dress up as Mozart". Sylvester responds, "I'd be a great Beethoven". As the two are planning their costumes, Arnold checks the time and notices he's late for an appointment. As he hurries out the door, Bruce and Stallone ask "Hey, Arnol... read more

Journo. "You have been so successful as an actor...."

Arnold ,"yes i was the Terminator"

Journo. "and as a governor!"

Arnold ,"yes i was the Governator!!"

Journo. "well, the Europeans need a leader like you, how about it?

Arnold ,""No , then I will be known as the ... read more

I'll return

On the way home, he rang his son to make sure he had all the groceries they needed at home. He told him all they needed was some coffee, so Arnold went in to his local store to get some.

On the way to the checkout tills, he passed all the Easter eggs the store had, and it brought back memorie... read more

"You be Beethoven, I'll be Bach."

When asked about it it, Mr Schwarzenegger said "I'll be Bach"

So one day, Sylvester Stallone, Jean-Claude Van Dam, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were sitting together in a bar, kicking back, drinking a few brews, talking about life and talking about the roles they'd played in movies.

As the three men talked, each was surprised to realize that all three of t... read more

She can leave me all she likes but I'll be back

He already has a new gig in mind. He wants to be an exterminator.

However, when he found out that someone was already dressed as Tchaikovsky, he said "i'll be Bach".

He’s an ex-terminator.

"Hey. Nice tuba."

"IT'S NOT A TUBA!"

the kid ran up to Arnold and said, "Whoa, you're a terminator! Do you really kill people?"

Arnold says, "Actually I'm retired so I only kill bugs now. I'm an ex-terminator."

Stallone, Willis and Schwarzenegger are producing and starring in a period drama about the Great Composers.
They all agree that Stallone should play the role of Beethoven, but Willis and Schwarzenegger get into an argument about who should play Chopin.
Stallone suggest they toss a coin to de... read more

I mean, why would he Uber when he could Lyft?

They start by picking a color.

Trump declares he is Orange: “ I will be Orange because that’s my skin color!”

Daisy then adds, “If you wanna ridicule yourself then fine, I’ll pick blue.

Taylor Swift: “Cyan for the sky.”

Mark Ruffalo: “Hulk green, Hulk pick GREEEEEEN!”
... read more

When he returns to California his friend says to him, “Arnie, I hear you went back home to Austria for Easter. How was it?”

To which Arnie replies: “Oh it was terrible! My father he ruined the Easter Egg hunt, he put all of the eggs in awful places and nobody could find any eggs and quite g... read more

"I know", says Stallone, "Lets all go as famous composers. "I'll be Beethoven".

"I'll go as Mozart", says Chuck.

Schwarzenegger gets up and walks swiftly to the door. At the last second, he looks back and says,

"I'll be Bach"

"I don't think so," she laughed, "You're fat, bald, don't work out, and are much too short!"

"I know.... Danny DeVito."

He's an exterminator.

(I just thought of this on my way to work. Probs been done before though}

I'm not worried. She'll be back.

No he’s an ex-terminator

It will be called *Total Repost*.

If you could be reincarnated as any famous musician in history, Who would it be.

He replies "I'll be Bach."

Arnold Schwarzenegger has been offered the chance to play the role of Mozart in a new film. He read the script but was not impressed. So he told the producers 're-write it and I'll be Bach.'

.

One of friends says, "I'll play Beethoven."

Another says, "I'll be Mozart."

-

In the end, Arnold says, "I'll be Bach."

Danny suggests they do some musical reenactment. Arnold, being the nice guy that he is agrees and let’s Danny choose who he will be. Danny chooses Mozart. As for Arnold, he’ll be Bach

Muscle. Tough.

Georg would say "I'll be Handel!”

Franz would say "I'll be Schubert!”

Arnold would say "I'll be Bach!"

It's for Stallone's new movie *The Composers*, about the descendants of famous European composers joining forces to fight terrorism. Stallone says he'll play Beethoven, "My theme will be ode to joy. But get this: Joy is the name of my shotgun."

"Nice," says Norris. "I'll be Mozart, and I'... read more

I’ll be black

Because he knows how toboggan.

Pasta or pizza, baby?

Who tells him that an up-and-coming director is looking for German- and Austrian-born actors for a movie.

"It's a little different than the stuff you're known for," the agent says, "It's a period piece about classical music composers. Should I arrange an audition?"

"There is no need," ... read more

The costume consists of two parts. The front part and the rear.

So the kid says: "Ok Arnold, I'll be the front."

So Arnold agrees and says: "I'll be back."

I mean, it makes sense, they're ex-terminators after all...

... It's slogan is ...

'Run with me if you want to give'

It's only because he's Austrian. And we all know what happened last time an Austrian came to power...

He was known as the pasta barista baby.

... he put on his dressing gown and slippers, opened the door to his en suite shower and let out a sigh.

“Why is my shoauwer still broken?” He exclaimed. “The plumber was supposed to hef come last week.”

He made his way to the kitchen to fix himself some food. Opening the fridge, a put... read more

Film Director: "We're making a film about composers Arnie, are you available"

Schwarzenegger: "Let me go and check my schedule"

"I'll be Bach"

Dolph Lundgren, Jason Statham, and Arnold Schwarzenegger are planning ahead to attend a theme party. The theme is famous composers, and Lundgren suggests “We should all go as a composer from our respective heritage. I could be Franz Berwald. He had interests in the arts and sciences, much like me.”<... read more

I've always gone with Schwarzenegger, it's recognisable and its always a crowd pleaser

Arnie, as is well known, has only one preference when it comes to classical composers, but sat patiently during the performance.

There were selections by Bach, Beethoven, Mozart, Tchaikovsky and more.

The Governor began to get quite perturbed when, after over an hour and half, his favo... read more