UPJOKE

Say It Out Loud Jokes

Say it out loud

Knock knock

Who’s there?

Smell Mop

Jack and Joe are in prison...

Jack and Joe are in prison, in separate cells, some distance away from each other. Sad little jail cells really, with only a solitary, tiny window to peek into the outside. So they pass the time as best they can by telling each other jokes.

One day, Jack asks , "Got any new jokes, Joe?"
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How to make girls feel safe in the hallways

I often find myself walking behind various girls while I'm going about my day and I'm always concerned I'm making them feel unsafe. So I like to remind myself not to walk like a rapist.

I find this works much better if I don't say it out loud.

what do you call a fake fish?

a de"koi"

>!(if you don't get it, say it out loud)!<

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's a dracula's favourite part of sex

Edraculating

Say it out loud

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This is as good a day as any to post this old one...

An older catholic priest is sweeping up between the pews after mass when a very attractive scantily clad young woman rushes into the church. She is visibly upset as she runs up to the priest, holding her face in her hands and sobbing.

Although the priest noticed her ample physique and skim...

What do you do to save a lamb that's having a heart attack!

Give it Sheep P R


(Say it out loud....)

What kind of light does an Australian use to shave?

Rise Up Lights

(Say it out loud)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you say when the Viagra starts to work?

My Dixie Wrecked!!
(Say it out loud)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does Sigmund Freud say comes between fear and sex?

fünf

(it helps if you say it out loud, and understand German) :-)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A nun is teaching class in a Catholic children's home.

She asks the students what they want to be when they grow up. One says a teacher, the other says doctor, the other says engineer and so on. Finally the question lands on quiet little girl in the back.

Nun: What would you like to be when you grow up?
Girl: I'm afraid to say it out loud....

What do you call...

What do you call a man in a three foot deep hole?

Doug.

What do you call a man in a one foot deep hole?

Douglas ( say it out loud)

There’s a ton more..... fire away.

(Must be the dad in me but I love these types of jokes)

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

A fshhhh



(This works a lot better if you say it out loud)

Anxiety is like a roller coaster

*Makes a decision.
Think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Say it out loud.

What vehicle do you pick up the most chicks in?

A tractor

(Maybe you'll have to say it out loud)

What does a pirate say on his 80th birthday?

Aye Matey!
(Edit: Say it out loud if you don't get it)

The Norse gods are sleeping off an orgy...

The God of Thunder turns to the young woman next to him and says, “I am Thor!”

The gal looks up through sleepy eyes and replies, “You think you’re Thor! I’m tho Thor I can barely pith!

(Kinda an aural joke. If you could say it out loud it might work better.)

Why is it so hard to keep track of counting in Afghanistan?

Because of the Taliban
(say it out loud)

Unlucky

Q: A plane is carrying one hundred bricks. One falls out. How many are left on the plane?
A: 99.

Q: What are the three steps to putting a giraffe in a fridge?
A: Open the fridge, put the giraffe in, and close the fridge.

Q: What are the four steps to putting an elephant in the fr...

Question: what's Erdogan's favorite puzzle game?

Answer: pseudo-coup (say it out loud)

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