UPJOKE

Same Day Jokes

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Stormy Daniels and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day.

Stormy Daniels and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day. They both met with an angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.

The angel said: "Unfortunately, there's only one space available in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted.”
...

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Fun fact I was born the same day a Green Day album was released

So, that means two American Idiots came out that day

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Bill Clinton and the Pope die on the same day, and due to some administrative foul up, Clinton gets sent to heaven and the Pope gets sent to hell.

The Pope explains the situation to the hell administration, they check their paperwork, and the error is acknowledged. They explain, however, that it will take about 24 hours to make the switch.

The next day, the Pope is called in and the hell administration bids him farewell and he heads for...

Shakespeare died on same day as Billy Bub, and are at the pearly gates.

(I heard this joke around 1980, so I can't claim ownership)

St. Peter at the pearly gates says, "I'm busy, so I'm considering 2 admissions at a time. Tell me a good poem using the word 'Timbuktu'. Whoever has the better poem gets in."

Shakespeare smiles broadly and says, "I am a great ...

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Three guys died the same day

3 guys all died on the same day, and they're standing in line before Peter and the pearly gates.

Peter says "ayy fellas, I'm a little full today. I tell you what. Whichever one of you has the best death story gets in today."

So ol' Pete pulls the first guy over and asks how he dies. ...

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A QUEEN and a famous porn star died on the same day

when they fronted up to St Peter he told them there was only one space left for that day, and they’d have to argue their respective cases.The horizontal humper ripped off her top and said, “These are the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I’m sure it will please him greatly to be able to gaz...

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Two friends, a rich one and a poor one, got married on the same day.

20 years later, they're both still married, and planning their special anniversary celebrations.

Dave, the poor one, asks Phil, the rich one, what he got his wife for their anniversary.

"Oh, I got her a diamond ring and a new Mercedes."

"Really? Why did you get her a diamond ri...

A man got cured of lycanthropy and defended his doctoral thesis on the same day.

Now he is looking for a post dog position

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Dolly Parton and Princess Diana pass away on the same day.

They arrive at the pearly gates at the very same time.

Saint Peter is waiting in judgment. With both women vying for entry, St. Peter announces, “Ladies, I only have one more space in Heaven today. You’ll have to prove you’re worthy.”

Dolly Parton laughs and says “No problem, Pete!” ...

Two guys were born on the same day

...so they made a tradition to eat dinner together every year on their birthday. When they turned 21 one of them said, "Why don't we go to the Sunset Grill? It has strong drinks and a beautiful view of the ocean." The other agreed and they had dinner.

When they turned 30, one said, "let's go ...

TeamTrees reached their goal of 20,000,000 trees planted on the same day Trump got impeached.

Now millions of people can breathe easier.

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A woman had three daughters getting married the same day. Naturally she was worried about their sex life. It was agreed that they would send a discrete message.

Two weeks after the triple wedding the first message arrives. An ad for Maxwell House with the slogan "Good till the last drop." She's happy for her girl.

A month passes and a second message arrives with a Marlboro ad. "Marlboro: Extra long, extra strong." She's a little embarrassed, but happ...

Three women all die in a car crash and go to Heaven on the same day....

They are waiting at the gate when St. Peter arrives and greets them, "Welcome to Heaven, ladies. There is only one rule here in Heaven and it is don't step on the ducks." The women each look at each other confusingly. St. Pete opens the gate and sure enough there are thousands of tiny ducks covering...

I’m always getting run over by the same bike, same day every month, same place, month after month...

It's a seriously vicious cycle.

It's a little known fact that William Shakespeare and Lord Byron died on the same day.

When they met Saint Peter at the pearly gates, he said, "We are honored to receive two incredibly distinguished poets on the same day! Unfortunately we don't have room for both of you to enter today, so we're going to have to have a little contest. I'm going to say a word, and both of you have to ma...

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Three men all suffer an untimely death on the very same day.

They all wind up in purgatory and each has a sneaking suspicion that they will unfortunately end up in Hell for their various evil deeds committed on Earth. As this thought occurs to each of them, Satan suddenly appears before the three men. Much to their delight, Satan offers each of them one final...

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Pamela Anderson and Queen Elizabeth die on the same day... (one of my dad's favorites)

Saint Peter meets them at the Pearly Gates and says, "I'm sorry ladies, but I only have room for one of you. Prove to me that you're the best candidate for Heaven." Pam, thinking this one's in the bag, flashes Saint Peter her tits. "Very nice, Pam", he says. Queen Elizabeth, thinking for a momen...

Three sisters decided to get married on the same day to save their parents the expense of separate weddings.

As a further step to reduce the price tag, the three sisters resolved to spend their honeymoon night at home. Later that night, their mother couldn’t sleep, so she went to the kitchen for a cup of tea. On her way, she tiptoed by her oldest daughter’s bedroom and heard her screaming. The mother thou...

Did you know Dolly Parton wrote Joleen & I will always love you in the same day?

Seems like with her great things come in pairs

My Xbox, PS4 and Switch all broke on the same day.

I'm inconsolable.

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Trmp, Putin and Duterte all died on the same day

After they die, the wake up in a building. The three of them not knowing what was going on.

After some small talk, they hear a deep and loud voice saying.

- " Rodrigo Duterte, room 623"

Duterte, followed by Trump and Putin starts looking for this room, and after a long search ...

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Why don't they teach Driver's Ed and sex education on the same day in the Middle East?

They don't want to wear out the camel.

Wedding Same Day As Superbowl! Help Requested:

A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2019 Super bowl in Atlanta. They are box seats plus airfare and hotel accommodations. He didn’t realize when he bought the tickets that it is the same day as his wedding – so he can’t go.

If you’re interested and want to go instead of him, it’s at St....

Constable: I saw a guy driving a Charger, a Challenger, and a Viper in the same day

Sergeant: Hmm, seems a bit dodgy

Three men die on the same day, at the same time, at the same hotel

They are brought to the devil and all three insist that he is an innocent victim.

The first guys says, " I was staying with my wife in room 606. When I got back from work and opened the door, I noticed an unfamiliar set of men's shoes. My wife was out, so this must be a theif. I looked around...

The Mexican guy next door was fired and kicked out of the house in the same day

You should've seen hispanic

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Same shit different day. Unless you're a Plumber.

Then it's different shit same day.

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Q: Why don't ISIS fighters have drivers ed and sex ed classes on the same day?

A: Because the camels can't handle it.

What do you call it when all the hens in the coup resign the same day from their jobs laying eggs?

Chicken tenders.

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Why can’t they teach drivers ed and sex ed on the same day in Mexico?

They had to give the donkey a break at some point

Why do mathematicians/programmers celebrate Halloween and Christmas on the same day?

Because OCT 31 = DEC 25

My Vietnamese friends are getting married and graduating on the same day

I told him it was a Nguyen/Nguyen

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Turns out my uncle's birthday falls on the same day as my boyfriend's

Now I don't know who to celebrate it with, the one who took my virginity, or my boyfriend

Wife: Suppose you hit jackpot of 1 million dollars in a lottery...

Wife: Suppose you hit jackpot of 1 million dollars in a lottery and the same day, someone kidnaps me and demands ransom of 1 million dollars. What will you do?

Husband: I doubt if I can hit two jackpots in one day!

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My girlfriend's birthday is the same day as my grandpa's. So now i don't know to which party I should go.

On the one hand, it is the person to whom I lost my virginity. But, on the other, I believe I should also go to my girlfriend's birthday.

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Don't bet Johnny NSFW

NSFW

One day Johnny's dad goes to school and talks to his teacher and says don't bet with Johnny. His teacher is puzzled.

That same day Johnny shows up and says to his teacher I bet you 25 dollars I can guess what color underwear you are wearing. His teacher laughs and agrees.

...

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Why can't a muslim have SexEd and Driver'sEd on the same day?

Their camels need a break at some point.

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Two competitive best friends do everything together, so they decide to marry their girlfriends on the same day.

They have a joint ceremony, joint reception, and afterwards they go on a joint honeymoon.

While staying in a beautiful hotel, the first man turns to the second and says: “I’m going to have sex with my wife for hours tonight”
The second turns back and says “Well I’m going to go until sunri...

In a historic day for Canada, Ontario held a Provincial Election on the same day the Senate passed the Cannabis Legalization Act.

Turnout was high.

A mother traveled across the country to watch her only son get married and graduate from the air force on the exact same day.

“Thank you for coming,” the son said. “It means so much.” “Of course I’d be here,” the mother replied. “It’s not every day a mom watches her son get his wings and have them clipped all in one day.”

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Three married couples, one Jewish, one Irish, and one Greek, all die on the same day..

Three married couples, one Jewish, one Irish, and one Greek, all die on the same day and arrive at the gates of Heaven.
St. Peter asks the Jewish man why he deserves to be in Heaven. He replies, "I've been a pious Jew all my life, I attended synagogue every Saturday, and I raised a lot of money ...

TIL the Titanic was scheduled to have an evacuation drill the same day it sank but was canceled by the captain.

Now let that sink in.

The 15 year old Goldfish I won at a Carnival, died the same day my Grandpa did 15 years ago today.

The Goldfish wasn't as easy to drown in a bowl of food.

My wife and I got married on the same day as the Kentucky Derby. I remember it because I was considering betting my life’s savings on this one Filly.

...

I also considered putting money on the derby.

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So the Queen of England and Dolly Pardon both due on the same day,

When they get to heaven St. Peters says, I only have room for one more person to get into heaven, so you have to tell me why you deserve to get in. Dolly Pardon grabs her boobs and says this is the best pair God ever made I deserve to get into heaven. The Queen of England, without missing a beat gra...

A man wins a lottery worth 1 Million dollars.On the same day, his wife asks him what would you do with the money if I left you today?

He replied, "That's not possible, you cannot win 2 lotteries on the same day!"

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An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Bubba,


I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the lot for me.


Love Dad.
\~\~\...

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Why don't they teach sex-ed and drivers-Ed on the same day in the Middle East?

Because the camels can't handle it.

Did you hear about the Vietnamese man who won the lottery and was reunited with his lost dog on the very same day?

It was a Nguyen- Nguyen situation.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why don't they have sex ed and drivers ed on the same day in the middle east?

There are never enough camels to go around.

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