Roman Soldier Jokes

A crucifixion.

His disciples were at the bottom of the hill along with a large crowd as they wept for Jesus. Suddenly Jesus raised his head and shouted out, “Peter! Peter! Come forth!”

Peter was in disbelief that Jesus would summon him and he knew that he had to fight past the guards to see what Jesus’s mes... read more

...But Vikings are Bjorn.

'Mmm?'

'Not that many!'

Nailed it!

He says to the bartender "give me a martinus."

The bartender looks at him for a moment. "Do you mean a martini?"

"If I wanted more than one, I would have said so."

2 Roman Soldiers are guarding an outpost, and begin bragging about their luck with women. The first soldier says to the other: "Dude, you wouldn't believe how many ladies I've gotten with just this month?

2nd soldier: "Mmm?"

1st soldier: "ok, well not *that* many."

He sticks two fingers up to the barman and says, "Five beers please".

The buddies order drinks and start chatting.

John: I heard somewhere your name is actually Kevin? But I know you as Ken?

Ken: That is correct.

John: How does one get Ken from Kevin?

Ken: Easy, I'm not six anymore.

A glad-he-ate-her.

How did the starving male slave forced to compete in ancient Roman death matches for entertainment feel after cannibalizing the largely portioned female oppressor?

Gladiator.

There’s a big loud crowd gathered when he’s heard weakly calling for Matthew. Matthew rushes toward the cross but is brutally beaten back by the Roman soldiers guarding it. He runs around to the far side and tries again. Again he’s beaten back. Finally after several more attempts a beaten and bloody... read more

"Do you know the way to the Coliseum?", asked Churry.

The soldier pointed straight ahead.

After that, the Roman sent Churry on.

The Roman stops him and asks, "What is your name and where are you going, pleb?"

"My name is Churry and I am to meet your General in Londinium."

He thought for a moment, and then the Roman sent Churry on.

"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."

Wife: so how'd the crucifixion think go

Soldier: nailed it

... The cowboy wanted 4 beers, so he showed 4 fingers and the roman soldier wanted 4 beers so he showed 3 fingers

XD

One of the soldiers tell the others:
"I had the easiest shift the other night, just had to make sure this dead guy didn't crawl out of his tomb- slept through the whole thing."
As the soldier finishes, Jesus walks into the bar.
"April fool's"

But Jesus was not impressed.

The same thing they used to carry their javelins: a pila case.

He teaches a Hindu man about Christianity and gives him a Bible.

He comes back a week later and sees a picture of the pope among all the other gods at the man's house.

"Why do you have a picture of the pope there?"

"Isn't he the reincarnation of Jesus?"

The missionary tol... read more

Roman soldier: can't you like... point at him or something?

Judas (putting on lipstick): I don't tell you how to do your job!

When he crossed paths with a Roman soldier. Feeling outgoing, Jesus put his hand up for a hi-five while passing by.

The Roman soldier had ill feelings towards Jesus' teachings and following. He couldn't stand the idea of supporting such a character so he simply grunted and ignored Jesus.
<... read more

Because of their frequent bridge building exercises.

He asked, "What is that for?"

Two brothers start up a company that manufactures nails, one is in charge of sales and the other marketing. They needed a commercial, so the one in charge of marketing got to work.

A few weeks later he excitedly shows the footage to his brother. It starts with a wide shot of a mob of people ... read more

Roman soldier: "Don't worry, you'll get the hang of it."

He shouts “Peter, Peter!”

Peter hears him from 200m away and starts making his way through the crowd and soldiers. At 150m a Roman soldier slashes his right arm off but Peter keeps going determined saying “I am coming master!”

Jesus shouts again “Peter, Peter!”

Peter, now with o... read more

Three blondes are driving down the street in a little car and get in an accident in which they all die. They awake to find themselves at the gates of Heaven, with Saint Peter smiling sweetly. He welcomes them and announces "ladies, before me I have the book of life. In it, i can see you've done some... read more

The Gonzales company was trying to market their new carpenters nails, and they were thinking about what kind of commercial they should run. One of them says "let's start with an image of Jesus on the cross, and the camera can zoom in on the nails, and our logo then comes up at the bottom!". The oth... read more

When the factory was about to open he hired a marketing guy to make a TV commercial, his only instruction was that it had to have a catholic theme. A few days go past and the guy returns with the video to show the factory owner. The video starts: there's a Roman soldier nailing Jesus, who is all blo... read more

Jesus is hanging on the cross. Peter is nearby. Jesus calls to Peter
"Peter, come to me please." Peter rushes forward and is immediately beaten back by Roman soldiers. They beat him senseless and leave him in a heap on the side of the road.

Peter awakens to hear Jesus calling again, "Pete... read more

Bob made metal nails for all need and uses. For woodworking or construction, his nails where the best and he wanted to make a TV commercial to promote them.

So he went to a studio to get his commercial made. There he gave an idea of how he wanted his commercial "I want it to be epic and persu... read more