UPJOKE

Rock Hard Jokes

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What do you call a lady with a rock hard body having sex with a paper thin lady?

Rock scissors paper

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A city guy decides to pursue his dream to be a lumberjack

So he moves to a remote logging town in the northern woods. It's just 40 men in this little community, hundreds of miles from the nearest town of any size, and he wonders how they manage their "loneliness," if you know what I mean.

One evening in the spring, after the day's work has ended, a ...

Whats red and feels rock hard?

A brick
(Ba dum tsss)

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What’s 12 inches long, rock hard, full of semen and makes all the girls scream?

The crusty sock under my bed!

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Sportsman's Callenge

(25/M) I was at the bar the other night. Early. I could read my book, and drink my bourbon without distraction. I'm reading, drinking, enjoying my time.

About an hour in, a very good looking older woman walks in. She sits right next to me and orders a Bulleit bourbon, light rocks. As that's w...

What is both flaccid and rock hard at the same time?

Michelangelo’s David

I once saw Medusa on a cam girl site

I was rock hard the entire time

Husband: My wife is missing. She went to rescue people from the flood yesterday and has not come home ...

Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?

Husband:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant:
Weight?

Husband:
Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant:
Color of eyes?

Husband:
Sort of brown I think. Never really ...

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Why do band members take viagra before a show?

To make them rock hard for a long time!

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Who was the sexiest woman in Greek myth?

Actually, it was Medusa. One look from her made guys rock hard.

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Wrong hole ! Turn her over !”

An older man who had finally grown tired of being a virgin wanted to finally lose his virginity. So he called up his buddy who was very good with the ladies and asked him if he would help him organize a night for him and a hooker.

“No problem, I’ve got a perfect plan”, says his buddy. “We’ll...

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Me: *stares at medusa's breasts.* Medusa: "My eyes are up here."

Me after looking: *gets rock hard*

Medusa was the hottest woman ever.

Every man who looked at her got rock hard.

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Medusa must have some really sexy eyes

I mean they get everyone rock hard

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I have an unhealthy sexual attraction towards figures in Greek mythology ever since

\
I laid my eyes on Medusa. Been rock hard ever since.

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NSFW So i walk into a dungeon and see a giant pair of boobs...

I soon realized they belonged to Medusa!

She says "Umm, my eyes are up here?"

Me: Already rock hard.

Who is the most attractive Greek mythological figure?

I don't know about you, but Medusa always gets me rock hard.

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Sexy Neighbor

A guy is talking to his buddy one day and he tells him "man, there's this new girl that moved in next door. She's drop dead gorgeous, but I can't go talk to her because every time I see her I get a raging boner. Rock hard every time I get a glimpse of her. I can't go talk to her like that, she would...

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Husband at the bar with Larry the ladies man .....

Husband asked Larry. "Man Larry how do you do it with the ladies to satisfy them everytime" Larry looks at the husband right in the eyes and said" want to know my secret? Right before your about to get down to business with your wife go in the bathroom grab your cock and slam it against the bathroom...

I like metal bands with female lead singers...

Something about women screaming makes me rock hard.

I don't have a beer gut.

I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs

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An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day.

The daughter said to her mother: “My hands are freezing cold.”

The mother replied: “Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up.” The daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said: “My hands are freezing cold.”...

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Why is Medusa such a good pornstar?

Anyone who looks at her will get rock hard immediately.

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Jose and Carlos are butt fucking in the shower

when the doorbell rings. Jose quickly blows his load, pulls his dick out of Carlos’ ass, and says “hold on I need to get this it could be the delivery man”. Before leaving the bathroom Jose notices that Carlos’ dick is rock hard and he’s stroking it intensely. Jose says to Carlos “You better not cum...

What did the Geodude say to his fellow Geodude when they were going to breed?

Hey bro, I’m rock hard.

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A Drive in the Country

A man and a woman meet at a bar and are having a great time. The woman says, "I know a place a few miles outside of the city where we can get loud and crazy.

They get in his car and drive about 10 miles. The woman teases his cock the whole time he is driving. When they arrive the woman says,...

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Medusa must have been the sexiest girl to ever exist

All the guys that saw her turned rock hard

What did all of Medusa’s boyfriends have in common?

They were all rock hard.

Why are all the girls jealous of medusa?

Cause any guy that looks at her gets rock hard

I fell asleep on a mountain last night

Man was it rock hard

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A guy can't get hard

He hasnt been able to have sex and its really starting to bother him.
He asks a friend what to do

Friend " I had the same problem"
Guy "what do I do?"
Friend "finger your wife before sex and sniff you fingers, the more you do the harder you will get."

That night the guy tries ...

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An old man is spending his first day inside a nursing home.

He wakes up with a rock hard erection and immediately a beautiful busty blonde nurse walks in, gives him a sponge bath and sucks him off. When she leaves he calls his son and tells him he loves it, this is the greatest place ever and that he's going to get some breakfast. As he's walking out the doo...

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Last night I stumbled across some Medusa porn

I got rock hard.

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What was in the box that made Brad Pitt so angry in Se7en?

Kevin Spacey's rock hard dick.

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