UPJOKE

Response To Jokes

In response to the "You're not a monk" joke

A priest was tidying up his church after a sermon, when a man comes in.
"I am sorry to bother you father, but can I ask you half of a lemon?"

"Of course my son." said the priest and he fetched half a lemon for the man. "But, before I give it to you, can you tell me why do you need it?"...

What is the worst response to "I love you"?

"I'm still pulling the plug Grandma"

An atheist's response to witnessing the second coming of Christ.

"Well, I'll be damned."

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What is a French prostitutes response to how are you

Cum see cum saw

Facebook marketplace is the best place to get an immediate response to what your selling.

Is it still available?

An Apple Factory in China is expected to cut production of iPhones by 18% in response to ongoing worker protests.

The workers' main demand is "more playtime".

As the alien onslaught continued, linguists were working furiously to translate the only message they’d received in response to our plea to understand why they were attacking.

The President was in his bunker trying to figure out where the first contact went wrong. He told his aide, “They landed and I went up to the leader and greeted him in peace. They immediately ran back back to their ship, and started their assault.”

Just then, the lead linguist ran into the r...

What did the chemist say in response to a clever joke about helium?

He He :))

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This should be a standard response to chemistry jokes

Flourine Uranium Carbon Potassium

Yttrium Oxygen Uranium

Arsenic Sulphur Tungsten Iodine Phosphorus Einsteinium

:)

College Student's Response to a Chemistry Mid Term Bonus Question.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, ...

As the world is encouraged to practise good hygiene in response to the Corona virus...

...the government gives a poignant demonstration by washing their hands of any responsibility.

Yo Mama so fat that when she slid into my DMs….

My phone ran out of space.

Pakistan makes nuclear threat in response to fake news

The struggle Israel

Most often heard response to the social-distancing 1 meter apart rule in Norway?

We have to stand closer to people?

What did Putin say to NATO in response to being criticized for annexing parts of Ukraine?

'Oh, Crimea river.'

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What's the difference between a panicked chicken and the US/UK/Brazil response to Covid?

One's a flustered cluck...

>!The other's a clusterfuck!!<

In response to bankruptcy, AMC will open libraries in their theaters

They're calling it paper-view.

The UK's response to COVID 19 is fairly confused after tonight's announcement.

We don't know our R's from our elbows

In response to the American coin shortage, Canada has committed to providing the U.S. aid

They give us Nickelback

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The perfect response to the age-old insult

"Ur mum's gay!"

"Which one?"

In response to being quarantined I'm giving up drinking for an entire month .

Edit, missed some punctuation.

I'm giving up. Drinking for an entire month.

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

This comment has been overwritten and deleted forevermore by the user in response to the API changes June 2023.

In response to the invitation for a rather unusual REUNION of all time greats

* Newton said he'd drop in.
* Socrates said he'd think about it.
* Ohm resisted the idea.
* Boyle said he was under too much pressure.
* Darwin said he'd wait to see what evolved.
* Pierre and Marie Curie radiated enthusiasm.
* Volta was electrified at the prospect.
* Pavlov pos...

What did the telecommunications infrastructure company director say in response to requests to alter his company's 5G network blueprint from government officials in order to satisfy privacy concerns?

It's my way or the Huawei

I'm not sure what the best response to my wife telling me "we're having quadruplets" is....

But apparently "How many of them should we abort?" wasn't it.

Women.

(Joke credit to me)

I'll take a curtsy and show myself out.

In response to current controversies, the Catholic Church is changing the confessional process.

The phrase “Father, I have sinned.” will be replaced with “Daddy, I’ve been naughty.”

In response to the TIL about the difference between a crow and raven

Do you know the difference between a crow and a raven? Well, the feathers that are the long vertical feathers on the wings are called pinion feathers. They help the birds fly. A crow has 13 of these feathers and raven only has 12. So I guess you could say that the difference between a crow and a rav...

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Snoop Dogg should have given the official response to Trump's Presidential Address to Congress...

He has probably participated in more Joint Sessions than just about anyone.

The perfect response to "there's a party in my pants and everyone's coming"

"Is it a search party?" Ba-dum-tiss..

In response to /u/WisestAirBender, "Backwards" is also a palindrome.

"Backwards" spelled backwards is "Sdrawkcab", which is still backwards.

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In response to meeting someone named Virginia. “Oh I used to go to school with a Virginia...”

We called her “Virgin” for short, but not for long.

In response to his ex-wife taking The Giving Pledge, Jeff Bezos announced he is giving three quarters of his fortune to charity.

Twenty five cents now and fifty cents over the next four years.

What did the sophisticated cow say in response to another cow's joke?

"That was very amoosing"

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In response to being asked if I had a good weekend:

Days off are like blowjobs -- even the bad ones are good.

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My wife said we need to exercise more. My response was sex can be exercise.

Her response to that was exercise has to last more than five minutes for it to count!

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BREAKING NEWS : Buddy, the golden retriever from "Air Bud", makes his response to the accusations of sex assault

"I don't even know that bitch"

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Salman Rushdie enjoyed the response to his book The Satanic Verses so much that he has written a sequel.

It will be called "Buddha, You Fat Fuck"

Response to "LPT: If you ever get cold..." What if your corner isn't 90 degrees?

Well, it just wouldn't be right.

A Response To The Stupid "What's The Difference Between Jam And Jelly Joke" Reposted Every Second Day

Your mama must have fed you jelly, 'cause jam don't shake like that.

I just saw Oregon has a drive-thru strip club. Today, we salute these frontline workers who are taking care of the Beaver State’s residents in response to COVID-19...

Heroes Twerk Here

In response to the Country Singer lightbulb joke, how many guitarists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

13.

1 to do it, and 12 to say they could do it better.

in response to a deleted post: How do you apologise when you're wrong? [knock knock joke]

Me: knock knock
(assuming they're still speaking to me and know what to say next)
Them: Who's there?
Me: Kenya Fork
Them: ...Kenya Fork who?
Me: Ken ya forg-ive me?! I'm sorry

(Works well to distract them from the fact that you were wrong about something by the lameness of the...

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Highland hospitality

A commercial traveller was driving through the Scottish Highlands when his car broke down.
There was a cottage near by so he went up to it and knocked on the door.
The door opened to reveal a burly Highlander.
"My car has broken down," said the traveller, "Do you know where I can s...

A wealthy man walks into a bar...

*I've seen a joke here about a man with* ***a head the size of an orange*** *which is an absurdist response to an old dirty joke. I'm not sure everyone knows the original. I'll put the anti-joke version in the comments.*

\--------------

A wealthy man walks into a bar. He is clearly ric...

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in response to u/alexsings, What 6 letter word has a n, i, g, g, e and ends in an r that's used to describe a certain group of people...

...ginger...

...you racist fuck!

A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 18 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different bakeries a...

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Damn autocorrect!

My Wife texted me a selfie in a new dress and asked "Does this make my butt look big?"

I texted back "Noo!"

My phone autocorrected my response to "Moo!"

Please send help!

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