UPJOKE

Red Faced Jokes

Why did the mermaid rush out of her maths exam, red faced and embarrassed?

Because her algaebra didn't hold up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was in my local newsagents this morning. I asked the pretty young girl behind the counter, "Do you keep stationary?" Left me red faced when she replied,

"Only to begin with, then I go like a fucking rabbit"

First baby asks second baby “Are you a boy baby or a girl baby?”

Second baby “I don’t know...”
First baby “ Let me look.” Dives under second baby’s blanket and comes up red faced and says “You’re a boy baby!”
Second baby “How can you tell?”
First baby (triumphantly) “You have blue socks!”

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God created Adam and after a time God took a rib from Adam to create Eve

God says to Adam “I have taken your rib and from that I have created Eve, a woman. Adam, you are to love Eve.”
Adam asks God, “alright God, well what am I supposed to love Eve, a woman?”
God tells Adam “you can go and hold Eve’s hand, Adam. Here’s how.”
God explain how they should hold ha...

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Italian guy on a bus

Sitting on a bus in New York, a prim old lady was shocked to overhear an Italian say to another, "Emma come-a first. I come-a next. Two ass-a come-a together. I come-a again. Two ass-a come-a together again. I come-a once more. Peepee twice. Then I come-a for the last time."

When the It...

The President is walking out of the white house

and heading towards his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.
A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts 'Mickey Mouse!' this startles the would be assassin and he is captured.
Later the Secret service agent's supervisor took him aside and asked 'What in the hell mad...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mr. Rogers the biology teacher called on Mary

"Can you tell me the part of the body that, under the right conditions expands upto 6 times it's normal size?"

Mary gasped and said in a huff, " Mr. Rogers! That is a very inappropriate question. The principal will be hearing of this. " She sat down red faced.

"Susan, can you tell me t...

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A vicar is having a wank in the bathroom.

As he"s finishing himself off, he turns around to see the window cleaner staring at him.
Red faced, he rushes downstairs as he hears a knock at the door.
"I"ve done your windows vicar, that"ll be £100" says the cleaner with a smirk and a wink.
Hurriedly, the vicar pays him and shuts the ...

Blonde woman walks into a library

Walks up to the front counter, sees the attendant and says
'Hello there, I'll have a burger and a large fries please'
The attendant, politely responds
'I'm sorry love, but this is actually a library'
Mortified and red faced the blonde lady looks around and whispers back
'I'm so sor...

2,003 pigs

It’s a small town and not much happens most days, so the town newspaper prints pretty much every little story. But the editor just can’t believe it one day when the new farmer down the road says that his truck ran into a ditch and killed 2,003 pigs. He sends his reporter out to the farm to check it...

Mrs. Chang takes a 500 yuan bill to the bank to change for dollars

The teller makes the calculation and gives her $80.44.

Mrs. Chang returns the next Friday and puts a 500 yuan note on the counter. The teller puts down $79.94.

Mrs. Chang says "Last week you give me $80.44, but now I get $79.94. Tell me why it changed!"

The teller showed her t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Rednecks at the Pearly Gates

Three rednecks in Arkansas are out drinking and four wheeling on Christmas Eve. They get drunk as a skunk, hit a tree, and all die and immediately go to heaven.

Saint Peter meets them at the Pearly Gates and tells them that unless they have something on their person that can correspond to the...

On the first day of Juvenal court, the judge was sitting down to start reviewing the day's cases.

"Bring out the first defendant," He said to the new bailiff. He left, and came back a moment later with young boy who was accused of shoplifting. He was covered in black soot, wore tattered overalls, and over-sized work boots and gloves.

The judged asked the boy why he came to court ...

A Husband And Wife Go Golfing

A husband and wife who are avid golfers have been happily married for 30 years, and on the day of their 30th anniversary they enjoy a wonderful day together.
They have a delicious breakfast in bed, then proceed to one of their favorite golf courses.
They play through to the 9th hole, both hav...

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